2006 AFL Season Preview, Pt. 4: With a Sniff

And here we are, the final four (well, almost).

West Coast

Captain: I get the feeling that Pablo Escobar’s favourite team is going to slip this year: The off-field incidents, the injuries, the fact that Michael Gardiner is still on the list… I could go on… and I will. Their forward line was horrible last year, and they’ve lost their leading goal-kicker, Phil Matera, and now it’s being reported that John Worsfold is losing his shit, apparently charging some 70 metres to call a group of reporters ‘spastics’. Very PC there, ‘Woosha’. Maybe he’s on the gear as well, after all, he is a pharmacist, and no-one needs that many packets of Sudafed. Does anyone know if the TAB offers odds on things like “John Worsfold to physically assault Andrew Embley before round 4”? (5th)

Mrs. Watson: The Eagles aren’t spastic. They’re anything but spastic. They’re the opposite of spastic, if you will. Un-spastic. A little more spastic than they were last year, but still not all the way spastic. Spastic. 11 teams of spazzoes and a team of retards will do worse than West Coast this year. A good back line won’t be bothered too much by the Eagles’ spastic forward line, but they’ll win their share. (4th)

Sydney

Captain: The most boring premiers since, well, colour television, the only reason I’ve got them this high is because they play half their games at the ‘fun-size’ SCG where their coma inducing style of play is so effective. Plus, the league will give them another bullshit run with a fairy floss draw, (their first 3 games in Melbourne are against Carlton, Essendon and Richmond) ridiculous tribunal let-offs and continued leniency from the umpires and time-keepers. (3rd)

Mrs. Watson: I don’t think Sydney will make the top 4. That makes me happy. Paul Roos is a chop whose team got lucky one year and got itself an AFL Premiership. Let’s be honest, they were never really Premiership material anyway. Leo Barry, mark of the year? Please, don’t insult me. And don’t get me started on Adam Goodes’ Brownlow medal. Worst fucking day of my life! Brownlows, Premierships, favourable tribunal decisions, mark of the year honours, when will the hand outs end!? Sure, they have to live in Sydney, the 2nd biggest craphole in Australia (second only to Wagga Wagga Wagga), but for the love of God, quit it with the charity already. Let’s at least make them work for it this year. Sheesh! And can someone in the Swans camp please tell me where I can get some of those candy cane socks? My sister wants a pair, thanks. (5th)

Geelong

Captain: Did you ever see someone you vaguely knew as you were walking, and as you were about to pass each other you start to over think it, and all these questions start to arise, ‘should I say something? What if they don’t say anything? Should I just smile and nod? What if they’ve forgotten me? Should I pretend I didn’t see them? Should I stop and chat?’ And so you decide to pretend you never saw them, but you can’t resist a peek, to see what they decided on, and then they say ‘how are you?’ and you begin to respond but they just keep walking, never really wanting a response so your words just kind of tail off on the breeze, ‘yeah, I’m… pretty good… actually…’ and so you end up feeling worse than if you had said hello and they completely ignored you? Has that ever happened to you? (I’m that confident that Geelong will finish top 4 that I thought I’d use this paragraph to share my idiotic insecurities). (2nd)

Mrs. Watson: I quite like Geelong. Good team. They'll do alright. (2nd)

Adelaide

Captain: The Crows are gonna be tough this year; (which makes the Cats’ NAB cup win all the more impressive) great defence, good coach, good midfield and an impressive array of fanatical, bogan supporters. They maybe lack a bit of firepower up forward but, similar to Geelong, they spread the load offensively and have some promising key position guys in Trent ‘Potential’ Henschel and Ken ‘Pot-head’ McGregor. They have enough experience to know how to travel and win big games, and Neil Craig has everyone thinking it’s his sports science background that has turned them around, when, really, he’s probably just flogged the shit out of them on the track. Experienced but not yet old, hard-hitting but also skilful, well-coached and tough at home; what’s not to like? (1st)

Mrs. Watson: Poor old Gary Ayres. Almost coaches this team to a wooden spoon, then 18 months later Neil Craig is coaching almost the exact same team to first spot on the ladder. Every team Ayres takes over ends up the laughing stock of the league. But if you ask me (and why wouldn’t you?), there’s nothing all that special about Craigey-boy anyway; the players just like him more than they liked Coach Mullet, and fair enough too. Neil Craig is no coaching wizard. He’s not fuckin’ Merlin, alright! He hasn’t consulted the book of black arts to get this team winning, they’re just good anyway, and they prefer their new coach’s hair style. And while I’m here, coach, answer me this: what’s your first name, anyway: Neil or Craig? Just choose one, I’m sick of it! (1st)

2006 AFL Season Preview, Pt. 3: No cigar!

So close, yet so far...

Brisbane

Mrs. Watson: Once a team of big cats who’d tear you and your family to pieces, feast vigorously on the spoils, and use your mother’s arm for a headband, these days they’re not so fearsome; more like Simba, safe to be around at the moment, but when those baby teeth fall out, you better watch the fuck out. Turn your back at your own peril. I like that word….peril. (8th)

Captain: I was a big fan of the recent Brisbane Grand Final teams. They were tough, skilful, good to watch and probably the model for the current Geelong team. Leppitsch, Voss, Lappin, Michael and probably Chris Johnson are all past their best, and the Scott twins are past it completely, but they’ll still be competitive. With a good home ground advantage, Lethal pulling the strings, Vossy on the painkillers and Jonathon Brown (who always looked like the next Wayne Carey to me, only more punching and less adultery) they’ll just make the finals. However, without a home final, or Alistair Lynch’s fists, I can’t see them doing much damage in September.
(7th)


Kangaroos

Captain: Just like Richmond has a knack for just missing the finals, the Kangas have a knack for just making it. They also have another important ingredient that the Tiges’ lack: testicles. Weird sort of team though, they seem to sign up cast offs from every other AFL club, I mean look at their line-up: Jon Hay, Nathan Thompson, Sav Rocca, Jade Rawlings, Shannon Grant, Leigh Brown, Kasey Green, Jess Sinclair, Cameron Thurley; geez, they must have had a good hard look at Shane Woewoedin. Geelong should offer to trade Brent Grgic, a pair of Mitchell White’s sneakers and a Gary Ablett bollard for their no. 1 pick; they wouldn’t be able to resist. This team will be fucked in a couple of years, well, that or in Canberra, so same thing really. Still, they’ll have a couple of those fighting spirit, underdog wins during the season before losing in the first round of the finals. Again. (8th)

Mrs. Watson: ...and who would take Jade Rawlings anyway? The man is a Goddamn joke! At the Bulldogs last year, the fool didn't even kick a goal until halfway through the season. He was playing in the forward line for fuck sake! And Cameron Thurley!? Sure, he can kick good, but he's probably the laziest AFL player ever. I hear while in Geelong Cam spent quite some time with Fluffy Kingsley who gave him the lowdown on how to keep your jumper clean. Don't chase and, under no circumstances, should you tackle. Let the Kangaroos have these rejects; add them to the pile of players just "seeing out" their footy career in North Melbourne. The only reason I have Kangaroos at 7th is because, as we all know, you can never count them out of a contest. Bastards! (7th)

St. Kilda

Mrs. Watson: No one is scared of the Saints anymore. Why is that? Well, for the past season and a half they’ve done nothing but disappoint. See kids, this is what happens when you go to the movies instead of training. Grant Thomas should have known better. What a twat! I mean, they didn’t even see a good movie. “The Day After Tomorrow”!? Fuckin’ hell! How could he expect this to have a positive effect on a football team? “Rocky”, “Wildcats”, hell, even “Varsity Blues” would have sufficed, but a Dennis Quaid disaster movie! Please tell me it was at least Gold Class. You and your team of softcocks are the only disaster here Thomas! I can already hear the phrase, “but what about all our injuries”, echoing from the mouths of St. Kilda supporters across Victoria, and a ball hasn’t even been bounced yet. I say, let the disaster continue! Now, someone pass me a walnut, I haven’t eaten all day. (6th)

Captain: Would anyone even be remotely surprised at this point if Grant Thomas announced that he was a Scientologist? I’m convinced. I reckon Rod Butters pulled him out of a Spotswood TAB one day for his free “personality test” and he’s never looked back. Either that or he has some very compromising pictures of the aforementioned club president. Sure, I’m all for a bit ‘outside the box’ thinking but I’m pretty sure Keysey’s dog, Jinda, could have coached these guys to as many wins as ‘Walnut’ Thomas has. Their defence is a bit of a concern, as is the year after year of ridiculous injuries (I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if a piano fell on Justin Koshitzke at this point). Plus, the expectation has got to be getting them, just look at Nick Riewoldt, he can’t kick straight anymore he’s so worried. Hmm, I wonder if L. Ron Hubbard could help… (4th)


Melbourne

Captain: The Dee’s. It’s always the same old story with the Dee’s. You get the feeling that they’re good enough but they’re just not tough enough, don’t you? Perhaps that’s why they recruited Byron Pickett, who’s probably on his last chance after getting caught driving with a blood alcohol level higher than Princess Di’s chauffeur. Let’s hope he can have the same kind of impact for the Demons. (6th)

Mrs. Watson: I disagree, Captain. I think the Demons will have a terrific year. If they can only harness the potential they showed pre-Cameron Bruce injury last season, they’ll come close. With a full squad, I reckon these guys’ll be almost unstoppable in Melbourne. Just don’t play Neitz. Put simply, he’s old. I don’t think he can even see the ball coming towards him anymore, his hands shake when he’s taking set shots, and the new 30 second rule is bound to give the poor guy a stroke. Look for White to kick Stephen King in the face in Round 5. (3rd)

Out.

2006 AFL Season Preview, Pt. 2: The Middle of the Road

Part 2 of Big League, Little League's 2006 AFL Season Preview is dedicated to those teams who we think won't make the finals, either because they're not quite there yet, or they're not quite there anymore. These teams will probably throw a surprising victory in every now and then, but most of the season will be spent counting down the days till this year's footy trip. The worst part about being one of these teams is that while you're not good enough to make the finals, you're not bad enough to be awarded decent draft picks either. Solution: try harder.

Hawthorn

Captain: They seem to have a talented young list but are a couple of years and a coaching change away from competing, plus Richie Vandenberg is just a terrible choice as captain. I get the feeling Alistair Clarkson will hold on to his job just long enough to see them turn the corner, then, in a stunning move from the boardroom to the sideline, Dermott Brereton will fire Clarkson and name himself as coach. Under the new, Brereton-led regime, training would involve vodka, bare-knuckle brawling and B-list celebrities, in that particular order. (12th)

Mrs. Watson: I like this team! It hurts to say it, but I do. A big forward would come in handy though, as I don’t think Mark Williams can keep his goal kicking stats up that high for much longer. Maybe Dunstall could slip the boots back on for the time being. A quick visit to Advanced Hair, a follow up at Brereton’s private salon, and he’d fit right in. Just kick it straight to him though, Franklin, he’s a fat bastard these days, and won’t lead. Jeff Kennett has got to make a difference as well. Love a football club President who runs his club like he ran his state: like a prick. I hear the new Waverly complex houses a Casino as well. The Hawks will be good, no doubt about it, just not for a while. (11th)

Western Bulldogs

Mrs. Watson: Some people fancy the Bulldogs. I don’t. They’re shit; too many old bastards doing too much of the work. It seems to me that everyone is getting way too excited about the bloody average season the Bulldogs had in 2005. Sure, they have some good young players, but who doesn’t (apart from Carlton)? Why are people so fucking impressed with this side? For the same respect, Geelong’d have to win back to back Premierships playing Andrew Mackie. Sheesh! (12th)

Captain: Yeah, they got too much press for too little result last season, like when that autistic kid hit all those 3's in his high school basketball game. I echo Mrs. Watson when I say, good young midfield but no key-position players. However, there’s something about ‘Rocket’ Eade that frightens me. I wouldn’t fuck anything up with him around. He reminds me of a Dad who takes his family to church on Sunday, and then beats them with an extension lead when they get home. I think the players are afraid of him and I think that fear will drive to the brink of the finals. (9th)

Fremantle

Captain: Ahh, the Dockers. What can be said about being a Dockers supporter that hasn’t already been said about going through customs with Schapelle Corby? It’s traumatic, should have been avoided, and eventually you’ll be bent over with your pants around your ankles. Every year they seem to have a talented list yet every year they underachieve. At some point this has to reflect on the coach, no? I don’t know how he’s lasted this long. Maybe it’s the time difference between here and Freo, maybe Chris Connolly has already been fired and we just don’t know yet. All I know is that if I was a Dockers member, I’d be getting my boogie-board bag ready again. (11th)

Mrs. Watson: I hate this club. I hate its players. I hate its coach. I hate its supporters. I hate its pink and green fucking uniform. The only thing the Dockers get-up is missing, in my opinion, is those women’s tennis socks with those tiny fuckin’ pom-poms attached. I hate that ponytailed freak who poonces around the forward line sniffing out cheap goals and waving his finger at the crowd as if he’s God’s gift to football. I hate Peter Bell and his girly style of play. I hate Pavlich’s glove. I do like the fact that the Dockers always underachieve however, and I too wait with baited breath for the Connolly sacking. Only a Cats premiership will bring me more joy than watching that stupid bastard act surprised when he’s eventually given the ass. Without a change of coach, I predict continuous underachieving… and I like it! (10th)

Port Adelaide

Mrs. Watson: I really don’t know how to comment. “I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted,” might be apt. What else is there to say, really? A copy of Mark Williams’ paperback, “Dealing with the Downward Spiral,” is on its way to Paul Roos. (9th)

The Captain: I have a problem with Mark Williams. I don’t know the man at all, but something about him just rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it’s that smug smile he carries at press conferences after Port win. Maybe it’s the way he fires shots through the press at players who have left the club (conveniently forgetting he did exactly the same thing in his playing days). Or maybe it’s the fact that after they won the premiership he felt it necessary to shout, “Allan Scott; you were wrong!” to the club’s major sponsor, who was watching from his hospital bed. With or without their classless leader, Port will struggle with a depleted midfield and without the depth of previous years. (10th)

Next preview post: ladder positions 5-8.

Out.

2006 AFL Season Preview, Pt. 1: The Lowest of the Low

Here it is, the first installment of Big League, Little League's 2006 AFL Season Preview. A short team by team breakdown with predictions of where we think your side'll end up come season's end. Part one explores the shithacks; the teams The Captain and I believe have bugger all chance of beating a team of Lee Montagna's, let alone getting a sniff of the top 8; the cellar dwellers, the wooden spooners, the whipping boys, the hopeless fuckin' good for nothings who'd just as rather boycott this season than have to play and get drilled week after week after week.

Supporters of these teams may throw the much overused term, "rebuilding phase", around quite a bit, but don't be fooled. Some of these teams have sucked for quite a few years already. My apologies to you if your team appears on this first list, but what do you want us to do? Your team stinks, for Christ's sake!

Richmond

Mrs. Watson: Why have I got Richmond last!? Cause I'm not giving Terry Wallace the satisfaction, that's why! Plus, any team which employs Matthew "Point Blank" Richardson as their kicking coach during the summer, has BIG fuckin' issues. (16th)

Captain: Plus, it’s never good when your best player runs with a limp. Seriously, do you remember what Nathan Brown’s leg looked like? I’d be surprised if he could work the clutch without wincing. (14th)

Carlton

Captain: Hard to see where any improvement could come from, especially when their best player in the pre-season was an uncoordinated Irishman and their no. 1 draft pick looks like Shannon Byrnes' little brother. Denis Pagan must long for the days of North Melbourne, where Pagan’s Paddock ruled. It’s a bit easier with Carey roaming the paddock and not Lance Whitnall, isn't it Denis? And while we're on the subject, who names their kid Lance, anyway? (16th)

Mrs. Watson: My theory is that in order to avoid another salary cap debacle, Carlton’s board has done everything in its power to ensure that the worst 20 or so players in the AFL have signed with the Blues. With each receiving $3.50 a game, plus Koutoufides’ million a season, they fall well under the allocated salary cap. They’re just plain bad. (15th)

Collingwood

Captain: These guys just seem unhappy under Mick Malthouse, (or maybe it’s the absence of Shane Woewoedin, last seen loitering out the front of a Perth solarium) seriously, cheer up a bit Magpies. On the bright side, the Cloke Bros were worth all that money (trying not to laugh) and Nathan Buckley isn’t due for his annual hamstring tear until round 9 this year. Never a good sign when your best midfielder is Shane O’Bree, and he’s best known for his beard. (15th)

Mrs. Watson: I mean, seriously, where do they pick these guys up from? Down in Collingwood it don’t matter if you can play, as long as you look shit, you’ve got yourself a game. I’ve seen trolley pushers at Corio Village with more teeth, and handier skills. And while I’m here: stop waving those back to back Grand Final appearances in my face, Magpies fans; you may be bragging, but all I remember seeing in 2002 & 2003 are two absolute public fist fuckings. Give that ass a rest, you won’t see another Granny for a long, long time. (14th)

Captain: Jesus, that’s rough… on the trolley pushers.

Essendon

Mrs. Watson: While Kevin Sheedy disturbingly collects aboriginal players like a 10 year old would Star Wars figurines, his team isn’t getting any better. Dough Boy Rioli can’t stay off the meat pies, Hird has got bugger all to play for, McPhee/Reiwoldt is too busy keeping his double act plausible to show up for Bombers games, and now they’ve named THE softer player in the league as their captain, Matthew Lloyd. The Age newspaper “expert”, Caroline Wilson, thinks Essendon has the goods to finish 3rd, but then again, she’s a girl. (13th)

Captain: Remember in primary school, that kid whose senile Grandpa lived with him, and you never wanted to go around to his house because the old bastard would be just as likely to give you a kiss as to take a dump on the kitchen table? That house is Essendon. The plan of recruiting an entire team of underachieving half-forward flankers didn’t work. It’s over. Kevin Sheedy, do us all a favour and retire. (12th)

Next preview post: ladder positions 9-12.

Out.

With zero football news at the moment, The Captain has a few questions to ask of these games of the so-called ‘Commonwealth’:

Does Australia even need to be in this thing? No-one cares, and the only reason it rates so well on television is because it’s something different. If my daily choices come down to ‘Judge Judy’, ‘Deal or No Deal’, or ‘Huey’s Cooking Adventures’, then yeah, I might flick over to see what’s happening in the Women’s mountain-biking.

Do you think they just wanted to host it one more time, win everything and then leave the Commonwealth for good? They don’t have any real competition; did you see the opening ceremony? It’s a parade of all these countries you’ve never heard of – “And here comes Bucknell Island… Up next, the Republic on Danzig….” They’ll have like 3 people marching; the athlete, his coach and the Prime Minister, waving the flag.

And they’re always competing in the most obscure events, like the Steeple Chase. Have you seen this? The competitors run a 3000m race with regularly spaced, extra high hurdles that land in a water trap. But why stop there? I say make it a true obstacle course, with rope swings and floating pontoons, you know, get the people from ‘It’s a Knockout’ involved.

And what about walking? Is that seriously any kind of athletic event? It’s ridiculous, the commentators say things like, “he’s walked the race of his life.” Do we really need a competition to establish who is the fastest at going slow? If I was in it, I couldn’t help it, I’d just break into a full sprint and pass everybody screaming, “Running you idiots, its called running!”

You like the walk? Well, how ‘bout a jogging event? How about an event where you start to walk across the street, realise an oncoming car is a little close for comfort, break into a short kind of ‘canter’, realise the car is still far away and you would have made it comfortably by maintaining the original walking pace, contemplate returning to the walk, but then you’re almost on the other side of the road, so what’s the point? Can I try out for that?

Can I please get some originality in the diving events? Diving should be judged like the dunk comp; if we’ve seen it already, you’re getting marked down. Give me something new, give me something from the street – give me ghetto diving. Can you imagine that, a guy in baggy shorts standing at the top of the platform holding his nuts, just stepping off and staring at the judges the whole way down?

Did anyone know Tony Ronaldson was still playing for the Boomers? They interviewed him at halftime and I thought he was an assistant coach or something. I just felt sorry for the people with HD TV.

The only good event still left at these things is the 100m sprint. That’s all anyone wants to see, who’s the fastest. But of all the people who went to the 100m final, someone had to miss it, right? There must have been one guy who got up to get a coke and came back going, “What? What? Why is everyone cheering?” It’s a 10 second event; it wouldn’t be hard to do, you bend down to tie up your shoelace and BANG, the things over. They should condense it down to this one event though, really. It’d be great, there’d be a 4 hour opening ceremony, a 10 second event and then the closing ceremony before anyone has moved. Ladies & Gentleman, the games of the Commonwealth!

Keeping a lid on it, or, not keeping a lid on it



Yeah alright, Cats won the NAB Cup, yadda yadda yadda, let’s move the fuck on already. Or at least wait till this here rant is over.

If the headline reading “We Are the Champions”, on the cover of the Geelong Advertiser on Monday, wasn’t enough to make you vomit in your Nutri-Grain, you should have seen the exaggerated pats on the back displayed at the club’s family day the day before. When Scarlett held the NAB silverware up before more than 10,000 over zealous Cats fans on Sunday, the reaction was nothing short of, well, pathetic.

How could you know this without being there, I hear you ask. Well, research, people…alright!? I went for research…and cause Half Cat was gonna be there (he owes me five bucks). But anyway…

I’ll admit it, after a few Cascade Pales on Saturday night, I got a little excited with my drunken posse; I high fived, I screamed, hell, later that evening some may have witness me breastfeeding a blue and white beanie in celebration, but the truth hit me like a Sherrin to the nuts first thing Sunday morning. Somewhere deep inside, beneath the ash tray mouth, and to the left of my squealing liver, I knew that in the grand scheme of things the victory was nothing more than a practice match won interstate. Sure it was close, sure it felt good to watch Brett Fucking Burton go down in a screaming pile of cat shit, and I won’t deny that it actually felt good to win a much hyped game, but ultimately, Cats fans, was it enough? Hell no!

It’s amazing how a few days can clear the mind, and allow for some perspective. I say sure, let’s savour that great, yet unfamiliar, feeling we all had the end of Saturday night’s game, but let’s now put it to one side, and as quickly as possible, cause there are 22 more important games to be played this year. I may not know how it feels for my team to win a real Grand Final, but something tells me that had Saturday night meant anything at all, there would have been looting in this town, and I’d still be celebrating today. As it stands, Sunday’s rather tame hangover lasted longer than any real feeling of relief that we might have broken some sort of 43 year hoodoo.

Keep a lid on it G-towners, we’re not even close yet. The monkey hasn’t gone anywhere.

Out.

Next blog: My most hated football personalities. Robert Walls, I’m looking in your direction…tosser.

Geelong celebrates (what do we do with a drunken sailor?)

Cameron Mooney hangs off the back of the pack, seemingly out of the contest. The ball spills into his hands, he turns and goals, his 3rd for the last quarter. For a second he doesn’t know what to do, he is still, then, a silent scream, a fist pump and Andrew Mackie leaping into his arms like a bride ready to be taken across the threshold. Geelong Football Club, 2006 premiers: It’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Sure, I left out an important word there, namely ‘pre-season’, but they won. They won something. And that means something. As Mrs. Watson said to a friend after the game, “You don’t know what it’s like barracking for this club.” And there it is.

There’s something different about this team, something that was on display Saturday night. Never mind that the game was played in Adelaide, one of the hardest places to win for any club. Or the fact the Adelaide had, the week before, made a pretty good Melbourne side look pretty ordinary. And don’t count the 8 or so players Geelong had missing, or the in game injury to Cameron Ling. Don’t worry about all those things, because the players don’t.

People will talk down the pre-season win, and they’re probably right, it’s not all that important in the grand scheme of the season proper. But what is important is the way they won. And besides, Channel 10 did a pretty good job of talking it down already.

All through the night the talk was about Adelaide. When Geelong did something well, it was because of an Adelaide mistake. When the Geelong defence repelled another attack, it was Adelaide wasting opportunities. And when Geelong won, well, it was Adelaide that had lost. In the final minutes, Anthony Hudson, a Geelong supporter, had obviously had enough, leading to this exchange with Robert Walls:

Walls: They’ve lost the unlosable game, Adelaide.
Hudson: Why?
Walls: Well, the bookmakers thought it was; $3.60 (for Geelong) against $1.28.
Hudson: You might be talking through your pocket there, Wallsy.

Which, in Hudson’s and other Geelong fans minds, read like this:

Walls: They’ve lost the unlosable game, Adelaide.
Hudson: Why?
Walls: Well, the bookmakers thought it was; $3.60 against $1.28.
Hudson: Blow it out your arse, Wallsy.

(You know Channel 10 is struggling with commentators when I’m left to defend Hudson, a pre-pubescent version of Bruce McAvaney. Speaking of Bruce, aren’t we all looking forward to next year? Hopefully Channel 7 teams him up with Wayne Carey because Bruce will be that far up Wayne’s arse he’ll be able to conduct a half-time colonoscopy on ‘the duck’. “I’ve found something in here King, it looks special.”)

And so before we move on to the season proper, here are a few quick notes and congratulations on the game: Geelong’s best included the usual suspects in the midfield, Jimmy Bartel, Paul Chapman, Corey Enright and Joel Corey… The Michael Tuck medal is a joke, Simon Goodwin? Maybe, in true Tuck fashion, it is awarded to the player who should have retired 3 years ago… Brett ‘birdman’ Burton will now forever be referred to as ‘the budgie’… Gary Ablett Jnr’s tenacity around the packs led to The Lady Captain saying, ‘He’s like an angry puppy who doesn’t want the other dogs to get his ball’… Special mention to Jarrad Rooke for smothering a certain goal late in the 3rd quarter… Geelong are a pretty deep team this year, Prismall, Lonergan, Spencer & Slade all gained some valuable experience but will struggle to remain in the one’s… Late in the 4th quarter, an Adelaide player’s super-goal attempt, which would have given them the lead, hit the post and stayed in play. Perhaps the surest sign it was Geelong’s night… Despite what the Skyhooks may have you believe, Egan is NOT a dirty word… Great pre-season from Kane Tenace, although he still can’t kick… Cam Mooney, 3 last quarter goals, what else is there to say but GOLD… Apparently there was free beer at the George & Dragon on Sunday, let’s just hope Kent dusted off the old Sailor Suit.


Coming Soon: The Captain & Mrs. Watson’s season preview for all 16 teams.

“At what point does a suggestion, once abhorrent, become the greatest idea you’d never thought of?” – Tim Rogers, 1999.

So, Geelong is into a pre-season Grand Final, and to paraphrase Adam Sandler, whoopity-damn-do, right? Most teams use the pre season as a chance to play their second stringers and have a look at their draft picks, or maybe try a few new tactics; see how the new rules affect the game, and experiment. And as more and more teams are eliminated, supporters will say, “It’s only March, September is what counts… No-one takes the pre-season seriously; none of the good players are in… Look at Carlton, they won it last year and what did it do for them?” Even Big League Little League’s very own Mrs. Watson labelled the NAB Cup, ‘The Battle of Who Could Care Less’ (March 3, 2006). The Geelong Football Club itself has been saying that they ‘didn’t really try’ to make the Grand Final, and that nothing has changed and no-one will be risked this week. But finals success, any finals success, has been few and far between for the Cats. So I say things have changed, I say risks must be taken, I say losing another Grand Final (even if it is pre-season) would do more harm to the club, its supporters and the confidence of an entire town than any torn hamstring ever could.

In recent history, Geelong has had to endure more heartache than any other AFL club, for those unaware here’s a quick rundown: The ’89, ’92, ‘94 and ’95 Grand Finals; the ‘defection’ of a club captain and golden boy; the ill-fated ‘Gary Ayres Era’; watching the front office short-sightedly mortgage the clubs future by continually trading draft picks for washed up, injury prone or just plain awful forwards (Brett Spinks, Mitchell White, Jason Mooney, Brent Grgic); the club constantly being in deep financial shit; the continual failure or underachievement of highly touted recruits (David Ugrinic, Ezra Bray, Marc Woolnough); and year after year of terrible, terrible hair (Trevor Poole, Leigh Tudor, Andrew Wills, Grant Tanner).

Finally, through the patience and teaching of Mark ‘Lips’ Thompson, the football nous of recruiting manager Stephen Wells and the back pocket of fruit ‘n’ veg Godfather Frank Costa, the club starts to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The list is young, the bank balance is black and Kardinia Park has never looked better. Then, before the start of last season, another captain leaves the club at seemingly the worst (or best) possible time, and all for the lure of the mighty greenback. But this is a resilient bunch and the Cats fight through to a preliminary final, all without Leigh Colbert, Ben Graham, compensatory draft picks or salary cap concessions. So, what happens? A dodgy time keeper and Nick fucking Davis manage to break a city’s heart in 3 seconds flat. But you know what would have been worse than missing out on the Grand Final last season? Making the Grand Final and losing again. So, for your own sakes Geelong Football Club, run hard and straight, play Brad Ottens, flip that switch, whatever it takes. Just don’t tell me this isn’t important.

Who the hell is Brad Ottens?, "The Switch", or, A Fairytale Story Tale



First up, a question: which of the above is a photograph of Cats player, Brad Ottens? Is it picture number 1,2,3, or, is it none of the above?

If you answered '3', you're an idiot. This is quite obviously Joel Corey. The answer is, of course, "none of the above", but if you answered either 1 or 2, you wouldn't be alone. I've already mentioned, in a previous post, a certain Channel 10 commentator calling Greg Stafford (picture #1), "Brad Ottens" repeatedly during a Hawks v Richmond game a few weeks ago; while this is an incredibly fuckin' stupid mistake (especially for a commentator), it is, after all, "Channel 10". On the other hand, you wouldn't expect the very well respected Melbourne newspaper, The Age, to make a very similar mistake, now would you? Well it bloody did!

Cast your eyes on page 10, of the "Footy 2006" lift-out in Saturday's The Age newspaper, for a moment. Right next to a very sizeable photograph of our GFC's beloved captain, Stephen King, is the tag: Former Tiger Brad Ottens has a big role if the Cats are to succeed in 2006. What a Goddamn joke!

If these recent fuck-ups are anything to go by, it would appear that very few people in this country's football media actually know what Brad Ottens looks like, or for that matter (and I'm looking in your direction Channel Ten), which team he plays for. Any memory of Ottens, whose career, I thought, had been well publicised up to this point, has dropped off the map.

Now Brad, if you're reading this, if I were you, I'd rob a bank. At the moment there's a better chance of the police sketches of you looking like Jack White, than anything resembling yourself. Witnesses to your crime would say, "That was Brad Ottens!," but footage of Keith Urban would appear on 10's "First At Five", and the cops would arrest Heath Ledger.

The Age's "Footy 2006" lift-out, in fact, was pretty much a disaster from front to back. Let's start on the cover. I don't mean to get grammatical, but the subheading, "A fairytale story?", appearing in bold white type on the very front, is a bit like calling an ATM, an ATM machine, isn't it? And, on page 10, the same page as the Ottens/King debacle, Caroline Wilson actually has the fuckin' audacity to predict that Essendon will finish 3rd on the ladder at the end of the 2006 AFL season. Sure, it says right above her name that she's an "expert", but the fact that she also has Melbourne finishing 11th, suggests very strongly that she's just an absolute chop!

Now, I won't talk about last night's Cats v Freo came in too much detail, but I'd like just to put something out there. I've noticed that Geelong's final quarters have been amazing, while in contrast, their other three quarters have been a little disappointing. While some might say that this is simply inconsistency, something that will fade as the real season progresses, I say, it's to do with "the switch". You see, I believe that Bomber Thompson has control over a very precious on/off-type switch, possibly located somewhere on that little white board the coach's assistant usually carries onto the ground at 3 quarter time.

This switch can be used at anytime, and it controls a transformation that is not at all dissimilar to Adam and Cringer's magical change into He-Man and Battlecat. For the first three quarters, the switch remains in its "off" position; the Cats do enough to get by, stay close, or just ahead, and then fuckin' BAM! "BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!!!," motherfuckers. Game over, Cats shit it in.

this....
into this!!....

The details surrounding the origin of the tool are unclear, but the question has to be asked: Could Mark Thompson have designed and constructed such a powerful device himself? I say yes, and he started with the backline.

Out.

The Lion, St. Kilda’s Bitch and the (drug) Wardrobe


Today (10, March, 2006) in ‘The Age’, it was revealed that 15 AFL players tested positive for recreational drugs in the past year, since out of season testing began. (One of them even tested positive twice - one more positive test away from a suspension, public shaming and a role on Neighbours). Minus Geelong, that’s one player per team who is on the gear, and we here at Big League Little League, have the goods on which player, from what team, is on what.

Adelaide: Ken McGregor, Marijuana. Kenny’s a pothead, I don’t care how many goals he kicks, have a look at that hair and beard combination. Ken was found out when it was revealed he listens to ‘The Grateful Dead’, has the runners bring him chocolate and kept referring to Neil Craig as ‘that angry dude’.

Brisbane: Jonathon Brown, Ketamine. Prone to giving the user a sense of invulnerability as well as aggressive and violent behaviour, Browny has been on the Special K for years, probably prescribed by Leigh Matthews. It also might explain the constant blank stare.


Carlton: Ryan Houlihan, Heroin. Yep, Houls is on the hammer. Not one for the hard stuff on the field, he’s not afraid of it off it. No wonder they can’t get a consistent performance from him, hell, they can barely get a pulse. Last seen heading to Laurence Angwin’s house with Anthony Koutoufides’ DVD player. Fucking junkie.

Collingwood: Chad Morrison, Ecstasy. Probably a hold over from his days as a West Coast Eagle, Chad showed up to training one day with a chuppa-chup, furry pants and 3 of his ‘best mates’, who he met 2 hours ago. When asked if he was in a fit state to train, Chad replied, “No way man, I’m trippin’ balls”.

Essendon: Mark McVeigh, potentially fatal overdose of fake tan.

Fremantle: Chris Connolly, PCP. Giving the user illusions and hallucinations, PCP may also have effects such as delusions, mental turmoil, and a sensation of distance from one’s environment. How else do you explain the fact that he seems to think his job is safe?

Hawthorn: Shane Crawford, Ecstasy. Crawf’s a pill monkey, big surprise, right? I mean, ever wondered why he starts dancing when the umpire blows his whistle? Long term side effects include damage to nerve endings in the brain that are critical for thought. That would explain Hank Bulger.

Kangaroos: Glenn Archer, Amphetamines. How else could an old man stay so angry for so long? To be fair, the test may have been slightly skewed had Arch gotten hold of Nathan Thompson’s Prozac.

Melbourne: Travis Johnstone, Marijuana. Constantly referred to as a laconic, laid back and relaxed footballer, Trav is simply stoned most of the time. He has all the traits of a smoker; skinny, underachieving and delusional (ever see him try and thread a stab pass between 4 defenders from 45m?). Geoff Haywood from ‘The Club’ is a personal hero.


Port Adelaide: Adam Kingsley, Amyl Nitrate. For those of you unsure what Amyl Nitrate is, it’s sales go through the roof around Mardi Gras time and it ‘relaxes’ certain parts of the body. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Richmond: Matthew Richardson, Cocaine. Think about it; the brief incredible highs, the inevitable lengthy lows, the unpredictable mood swings, the weight fluctuations, that hair cut… it’s all starting to make sense.

St. Kilda: Nick Riewoldt, Rohypnol. Nick was the one who tested positive twice but in Nick’s fairness, it was slipped into his drink by Stephen Milne… and then Leigh Montagna.

Sydney: Ryan O’Keefe, see ‘Adam Kingsley’.

West Coast: Easy one here, Ben Cousins. The only question is how many drugs did he test positive for? Ecstasy certainly, cocaine probably, speed without doubt; and what day did they conduct the testing? They may have caught him on a “Weed Wednesday”. I wonder if the drug testing machine analysed his blood sample and came back with the response ‘Keith Richards’.

This weeks tips:
Geelong v Fremantle, the Cats by 21pts.
Melbourne v Adelaide, Adelaide by 14 pts.

Jitterbug, , , Jitterbug, or, the return of Scumbag

Ok, ok...now before you get shirty, I do realise I haven't posted since Friday. Give me a break though, (geeez!) it's pre-season and things are, quite frankly, fucking boring. I did consider getting David Neitz drunk and making a quick trip to Crown, just to have something to write about, but he insisted on bringing his mother, and well quite frankly, she's just annoying as he is. But anyway...

Geelong plays Freo this week in Melbourne and I gotta tell ya, I'm feeling a hell of a lot more confident this week than I have for the last two. "Why is that?," I hear some bored bastard ask. The answer my friend is quite simple: Fluffy Kingsley. That's right, the Kent of Clangers is injured, and I for one (because I believe being two is impossible at this stage) remain optimistic. The mere fact that Kingsley will be watching the game from the George & Dragon this week means that the Cats are more likely to beat the Dockers convincingly. No Kent = more goals. And here's why I think so, you clueless non-believers...

In primary school terms, Kent is hungry. Did anyone else notice the goal spree that occurred in the Geelong forward line the moment Fluffy's pansy ass left the field last week? I did. All of a sudden, Kelly, Spencer and others got on the goal kicking bandwagon and the Kangaroos were left wishing they'd bought Hay a last minute JetStar ticket. Even the week before, when Fluffy kicked 9, who else got a goal? Can you name someone other than Lonergan? And if you can, might I say that you have an impeccable memory, my friend, but you're also a smart ass.

To me this means that at the very least we can expect the flood gates to open up again this Saturday night at Telstra Dome. In the knowledge that Kent will be returning in a few weeks time to once again choke the life from his team mates, I predict that every Geelong player named will take at least 1 shot at goal. Hell, even Don Bourke might kick a goal this week without His Chestiness parading around Geelong's forward line hoping for a lucky free kick, or a defensive error.

Count on it to rain goals this weekend, G-towners, but count on Kingsley to parade on that rain again in a few weeks time.

I reckon Melbourne will beat Adelaide as well. Just sayin' is all...

Out.

PS - Can someone text me the scores, I've got band practice?

Peter Daicos, we hardly knew ye

These days, it seems the life of an ex-footballer can go down only a limited number of paths, and if you haven’t ended up a coach or in jail then it seems your choices are restricted to two; pub owner or media whore.

Just about all the gigs in the football media, be it commentator, TV panellist, or newspaper columnist, are taken by ex-players. There’s ‘The Footy Show’, ‘The Sunday Footy Show’, ‘Talking Footy’, ‘On The Couch’, ‘Fox Footy Central’, and don’t forget Channel 7’s soon to be announced “Rape, or No Rape!”. On radio stations such as Triple M and SEN, there are various shows hosted by players and former players, and in the print media, we have columns written by Dermott Brereton (and his awful, awful hair), Wayne Schwass, Michael Voss, Richo and Glenn Archer (which we know he writes himself because it’s so bad).

And it’s not just football either, it seems like every ex-sportsman is getting in on the media act. There’s ‘Inside Cricket’ hosted by Brendan Julian, who is also a reporter for ‘Getaway’ (which is, surprisingly, the exact word used by the Australian selectors). There’s the endless collection of cricketers’ tour diaries, not to mention Glenn McGrath’s BBQ cookbook. Andrew Ettinghausen has a fishing show, Greg Norman has a Statesman, Lleyton Hewitt was in Home & Away and now I’ve just read that Warnie has filmed some scenes for Neighbours! Has the world gone completely mad?!? The only business Shane Warne has on the Neighbours set is bumming ciggies off Lou Carpenter or cheating on his wife. (Not to say that he didn’t find time for both). And rugby? Sheesh, let’s not even start on those morons.

In AFL commentary we are subject to one or two ‘host’ types and the rest are a collection of ex-players and coaches. The one thing we can be thankful for, however, is the relatively swift end to the ‘Peter Daicos Era’. This is an excellent example of how on field success relates directly to a media career; Daicos on the field? Genius. Daicos as a commentator? Let’s just say it made me long for the insight and wit of Steven Silvagni. With these hall of fame players getting more and more prominent roles in the media, ex-players, who are suited to this type of work, may not get a look in due to their lack of on-field achievements. (I heard Geoff Miles auditioned very well for the role of host on ‘Temptation’).

It’s also a little unfair to the accredited journalists and members of the sports media, not to mention those of us out there, (ahem) toiling away in anonymity. I mean, if there’s a plane crash, they don’t let an ex-pilot host the news that night.

But of all the ex-players, of all the sports, in all the media, none of their work is as insulting as that of Peter ‘Crackers’ Keenan. Every week, ‘Crackers’ is responsible for possibly the worst 500 words the Geelong Addy has ever produced, that is, since his last column. (And I use the word ‘responsible’ very loosely here, the column is obviously ghost written, I mean, have you seen his picture? The guy looks like he could barely make it out of the house.) To put to print this poor of a column, ‘allegedly’ written by a man who willingly goes by the name of ‘Crackers’ is almost criminal. It is a complete waste of space, type and ink and I’d rather see Graham “Bickers” Bicknell be given another column to whinge about the state of the Belmont Common fairways. The Geelong Advertiser is bad enough, I don’t need Crackers Keenan and his flunky team of ghost writers telling me what’s what, hell, I’d rather get cooking tips from Glenn McGrath.

The Battle of Who Could Care Less, or, Tips for Round 2 (NAB Cup)

Geelong v Kangaroos

The most interesting question here is this: when a team, like the Kangaroos, leaves out 12 of its best players, should the game even be televised? Probably not, but it’s a good enough excuse to play a practice match of your own against a slab of Draughts; training for Round 1, you see. Watch as Kent goes to town on another shit defender, and as the Cats still just get over the line.

Tip: Geelong by 5 points.

Melbourne v Brisbane

Can’t see Brisbane winning this one unless Mal Michael can defend Neitz, Yze, and Robertson all on his own.

Tip: Melbourne by 30 points.

Fremantle v Collingwood

While Magpies supporters have already begun lining up for Grand Final tickets after last week’s win over the Saints, this week won’t be nearly as encouraging. With Pavlich and Black both returning, Fremantle will tear Collingwood two new assholes: one, just cause the Magpies are fuckin' terrible, and another to shove that recent McDonalds contract.

Tip: Fremantle by 45 points (at least)

Adelaide v Hawthorn

It’s the second most boring team in the league hosting a team which only just got over Richmond (my tip for wooden spooners) last week. I truly believe Adelaide couldn’t care less about the result of this game. Fuckin’ hell Crows, don’t you hate it when you invite someone round then can’t be bothered entertaining them.

Tip: Whatever

To Kent, or not to Kent. That is the question…

Geelong heads to Cairns Saturday night to battle the Kangaroos in round two of the NAB cup. And with the Kangas resting up to 12 of their top players, the result shouldn’t be in question. What will, however, is if Geelong’s glamour boy full-forward, Kent Kingsley, can maintain his goal kicking form, having dobbed 9 straight last week.

It was revealed by Geelong assistant coach Ken Hinkley that Kingsley wore a pair of Matthew Scarlett’s boots during last weeks match, something he has done once before in a game where he kicked 7. Hinkley joked that he should borrow them every week but I’m sure Mrs. Watson would rather see him borrow something else of Scarlett’s, namely some balls. However, the physiological challenge this presents to the Geelong medical staff, not to mention the hygiene issues, will probably mean that he’ll stick to the lucky boots this week.

I for one am a Kingsley believer and am willing to go on record right now in saying he will have a big year. With Brad Ottens being assigned the marquee defender and teams unwilling to zone off Nathan Ablett, Kent might end up seeing opposing teams 3rd best tall down back. Along with the continued development of Henry “Hank” Playfair, Charlie “the Constant” Gardiner and Tom “Tom” Lonergan, Geelong has the potential for a fairly potent tall forward line. Throw in the crumbing prowess and defensive pressure of Paul Chapman, Gary Jnr. and perhaps rookie Travis Varcoe and it could be one of the best attacks in the league. And leading this top of the line attack in its dance towards the finals? The Kent of Kingsley and his magic boots.

Tips: Geelong by 34 points.
Melbourne by 18 points.
Adelaide by 13 points.
Collingwood by 2 points.