Peter Daicos, we hardly knew ye

These days, it seems the life of an ex-footballer can go down only a limited number of paths, and if you haven’t ended up a coach or in jail then it seems your choices are restricted to two; pub owner or media whore.

Just about all the gigs in the football media, be it commentator, TV panellist, or newspaper columnist, are taken by ex-players. There’s ‘The Footy Show’, ‘The Sunday Footy Show’, ‘Talking Footy’, ‘On The Couch’, ‘Fox Footy Central’, and don’t forget Channel 7’s soon to be announced “Rape, or No Rape!”. On radio stations such as Triple M and SEN, there are various shows hosted by players and former players, and in the print media, we have columns written by Dermott Brereton (and his awful, awful hair), Wayne Schwass, Michael Voss, Richo and Glenn Archer (which we know he writes himself because it’s so bad).

And it’s not just football either, it seems like every ex-sportsman is getting in on the media act. There’s ‘Inside Cricket’ hosted by Brendan Julian, who is also a reporter for ‘Getaway’ (which is, surprisingly, the exact word used by the Australian selectors). There’s the endless collection of cricketers’ tour diaries, not to mention Glenn McGrath’s BBQ cookbook. Andrew Ettinghausen has a fishing show, Greg Norman has a Statesman, Lleyton Hewitt was in Home & Away and now I’ve just read that Warnie has filmed some scenes for Neighbours! Has the world gone completely mad?!? The only business Shane Warne has on the Neighbours set is bumming ciggies off Lou Carpenter or cheating on his wife. (Not to say that he didn’t find time for both). And rugby? Sheesh, let’s not even start on those morons.

In AFL commentary we are subject to one or two ‘host’ types and the rest are a collection of ex-players and coaches. The one thing we can be thankful for, however, is the relatively swift end to the ‘Peter Daicos Era’. This is an excellent example of how on field success relates directly to a media career; Daicos on the field? Genius. Daicos as a commentator? Let’s just say it made me long for the insight and wit of Steven Silvagni. With these hall of fame players getting more and more prominent roles in the media, ex-players, who are suited to this type of work, may not get a look in due to their lack of on-field achievements. (I heard Geoff Miles auditioned very well for the role of host on ‘Temptation’).

It’s also a little unfair to the accredited journalists and members of the sports media, not to mention those of us out there, (ahem) toiling away in anonymity. I mean, if there’s a plane crash, they don’t let an ex-pilot host the news that night.

But of all the ex-players, of all the sports, in all the media, none of their work is as insulting as that of Peter ‘Crackers’ Keenan. Every week, ‘Crackers’ is responsible for possibly the worst 500 words the Geelong Addy has ever produced, that is, since his last column. (And I use the word ‘responsible’ very loosely here, the column is obviously ghost written, I mean, have you seen his picture? The guy looks like he could barely make it out of the house.) To put to print this poor of a column, ‘allegedly’ written by a man who willingly goes by the name of ‘Crackers’ is almost criminal. It is a complete waste of space, type and ink and I’d rather see Graham “Bickers” Bicknell be given another column to whinge about the state of the Belmont Common fairways. The Geelong Advertiser is bad enough, I don’t need Crackers Keenan and his flunky team of ghost writers telling me what’s what, hell, I’d rather get cooking tips from Glenn McGrath.