2006 AFL Season Preview, Pt. 3: No cigar!

So close, yet so far...

Brisbane

Mrs. Watson: Once a team of big cats who’d tear you and your family to pieces, feast vigorously on the spoils, and use your mother’s arm for a headband, these days they’re not so fearsome; more like Simba, safe to be around at the moment, but when those baby teeth fall out, you better watch the fuck out. Turn your back at your own peril. I like that word….peril. (8th)

Captain: I was a big fan of the recent Brisbane Grand Final teams. They were tough, skilful, good to watch and probably the model for the current Geelong team. Leppitsch, Voss, Lappin, Michael and probably Chris Johnson are all past their best, and the Scott twins are past it completely, but they’ll still be competitive. With a good home ground advantage, Lethal pulling the strings, Vossy on the painkillers and Jonathon Brown (who always looked like the next Wayne Carey to me, only more punching and less adultery) they’ll just make the finals. However, without a home final, or Alistair Lynch’s fists, I can’t see them doing much damage in September.
(7th)


Kangaroos

Captain: Just like Richmond has a knack for just missing the finals, the Kangas have a knack for just making it. They also have another important ingredient that the Tiges’ lack: testicles. Weird sort of team though, they seem to sign up cast offs from every other AFL club, I mean look at their line-up: Jon Hay, Nathan Thompson, Sav Rocca, Jade Rawlings, Shannon Grant, Leigh Brown, Kasey Green, Jess Sinclair, Cameron Thurley; geez, they must have had a good hard look at Shane Woewoedin. Geelong should offer to trade Brent Grgic, a pair of Mitchell White’s sneakers and a Gary Ablett bollard for their no. 1 pick; they wouldn’t be able to resist. This team will be fucked in a couple of years, well, that or in Canberra, so same thing really. Still, they’ll have a couple of those fighting spirit, underdog wins during the season before losing in the first round of the finals. Again. (8th)

Mrs. Watson: ...and who would take Jade Rawlings anyway? The man is a Goddamn joke! At the Bulldogs last year, the fool didn't even kick a goal until halfway through the season. He was playing in the forward line for fuck sake! And Cameron Thurley!? Sure, he can kick good, but he's probably the laziest AFL player ever. I hear while in Geelong Cam spent quite some time with Fluffy Kingsley who gave him the lowdown on how to keep your jumper clean. Don't chase and, under no circumstances, should you tackle. Let the Kangaroos have these rejects; add them to the pile of players just "seeing out" their footy career in North Melbourne. The only reason I have Kangaroos at 7th is because, as we all know, you can never count them out of a contest. Bastards! (7th)

St. Kilda

Mrs. Watson: No one is scared of the Saints anymore. Why is that? Well, for the past season and a half they’ve done nothing but disappoint. See kids, this is what happens when you go to the movies instead of training. Grant Thomas should have known better. What a twat! I mean, they didn’t even see a good movie. “The Day After Tomorrow”!? Fuckin’ hell! How could he expect this to have a positive effect on a football team? “Rocky”, “Wildcats”, hell, even “Varsity Blues” would have sufficed, but a Dennis Quaid disaster movie! Please tell me it was at least Gold Class. You and your team of softcocks are the only disaster here Thomas! I can already hear the phrase, “but what about all our injuries”, echoing from the mouths of St. Kilda supporters across Victoria, and a ball hasn’t even been bounced yet. I say, let the disaster continue! Now, someone pass me a walnut, I haven’t eaten all day. (6th)

Captain: Would anyone even be remotely surprised at this point if Grant Thomas announced that he was a Scientologist? I’m convinced. I reckon Rod Butters pulled him out of a Spotswood TAB one day for his free “personality test” and he’s never looked back. Either that or he has some very compromising pictures of the aforementioned club president. Sure, I’m all for a bit ‘outside the box’ thinking but I’m pretty sure Keysey’s dog, Jinda, could have coached these guys to as many wins as ‘Walnut’ Thomas has. Their defence is a bit of a concern, as is the year after year of ridiculous injuries (I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if a piano fell on Justin Koshitzke at this point). Plus, the expectation has got to be getting them, just look at Nick Riewoldt, he can’t kick straight anymore he’s so worried. Hmm, I wonder if L. Ron Hubbard could help… (4th)


Melbourne

Captain: The Dee’s. It’s always the same old story with the Dee’s. You get the feeling that they’re good enough but they’re just not tough enough, don’t you? Perhaps that’s why they recruited Byron Pickett, who’s probably on his last chance after getting caught driving with a blood alcohol level higher than Princess Di’s chauffeur. Let’s hope he can have the same kind of impact for the Demons. (6th)

Mrs. Watson: I disagree, Captain. I think the Demons will have a terrific year. If they can only harness the potential they showed pre-Cameron Bruce injury last season, they’ll come close. With a full squad, I reckon these guys’ll be almost unstoppable in Melbourne. Just don’t play Neitz. Put simply, he’s old. I don’t think he can even see the ball coming towards him anymore, his hands shake when he’s taking set shots, and the new 30 second rule is bound to give the poor guy a stroke. Look for White to kick Stephen King in the face in Round 5. (3rd)

Out.