2006 AFL Season Preview, Pt. 1: The Lowest of the Low

Here it is, the first installment of Big League, Little League's 2006 AFL Season Preview. A short team by team breakdown with predictions of where we think your side'll end up come season's end. Part one explores the shithacks; the teams The Captain and I believe have bugger all chance of beating a team of Lee Montagna's, let alone getting a sniff of the top 8; the cellar dwellers, the wooden spooners, the whipping boys, the hopeless fuckin' good for nothings who'd just as rather boycott this season than have to play and get drilled week after week after week.

Supporters of these teams may throw the much overused term, "rebuilding phase", around quite a bit, but don't be fooled. Some of these teams have sucked for quite a few years already. My apologies to you if your team appears on this first list, but what do you want us to do? Your team stinks, for Christ's sake!

Richmond

Mrs. Watson: Why have I got Richmond last!? Cause I'm not giving Terry Wallace the satisfaction, that's why! Plus, any team which employs Matthew "Point Blank" Richardson as their kicking coach during the summer, has BIG fuckin' issues. (16th)

Captain: Plus, it’s never good when your best player runs with a limp. Seriously, do you remember what Nathan Brown’s leg looked like? I’d be surprised if he could work the clutch without wincing. (14th)

Carlton

Captain: Hard to see where any improvement could come from, especially when their best player in the pre-season was an uncoordinated Irishman and their no. 1 draft pick looks like Shannon Byrnes' little brother. Denis Pagan must long for the days of North Melbourne, where Pagan’s Paddock ruled. It’s a bit easier with Carey roaming the paddock and not Lance Whitnall, isn't it Denis? And while we're on the subject, who names their kid Lance, anyway? (16th)

Mrs. Watson: My theory is that in order to avoid another salary cap debacle, Carlton’s board has done everything in its power to ensure that the worst 20 or so players in the AFL have signed with the Blues. With each receiving $3.50 a game, plus Koutoufides’ million a season, they fall well under the allocated salary cap. They’re just plain bad. (15th)

Collingwood

Captain: These guys just seem unhappy under Mick Malthouse, (or maybe it’s the absence of Shane Woewoedin, last seen loitering out the front of a Perth solarium) seriously, cheer up a bit Magpies. On the bright side, the Cloke Bros were worth all that money (trying not to laugh) and Nathan Buckley isn’t due for his annual hamstring tear until round 9 this year. Never a good sign when your best midfielder is Shane O’Bree, and he’s best known for his beard. (15th)

Mrs. Watson: I mean, seriously, where do they pick these guys up from? Down in Collingwood it don’t matter if you can play, as long as you look shit, you’ve got yourself a game. I’ve seen trolley pushers at Corio Village with more teeth, and handier skills. And while I’m here: stop waving those back to back Grand Final appearances in my face, Magpies fans; you may be bragging, but all I remember seeing in 2002 & 2003 are two absolute public fist fuckings. Give that ass a rest, you won’t see another Granny for a long, long time. (14th)

Captain: Jesus, that’s rough… on the trolley pushers.

Essendon

Mrs. Watson: While Kevin Sheedy disturbingly collects aboriginal players like a 10 year old would Star Wars figurines, his team isn’t getting any better. Dough Boy Rioli can’t stay off the meat pies, Hird has got bugger all to play for, McPhee/Reiwoldt is too busy keeping his double act plausible to show up for Bombers games, and now they’ve named THE softer player in the league as their captain, Matthew Lloyd. The Age newspaper “expert”, Caroline Wilson, thinks Essendon has the goods to finish 3rd, but then again, she’s a girl. (13th)

Captain: Remember in primary school, that kid whose senile Grandpa lived with him, and you never wanted to go around to his house because the old bastard would be just as likely to give you a kiss as to take a dump on the kitchen table? That house is Essendon. The plan of recruiting an entire team of underachieving half-forward flankers didn’t work. It’s over. Kevin Sheedy, do us all a favour and retire. (12th)

Next preview post: ladder positions 9-12.

Out.