The Lion, St. Kilda’s Bitch and the (drug) Wardrobe
Today (10, March, 2006) in ‘The Age’, it was revealed that 15 AFL players tested positive for recreational drugs in the past year, since out of season testing began. (One of them even tested positive twice - one more positive test away from a suspension, public shaming and a role on Neighbours). Minus Geelong, that’s one player per team who is on the gear, and we here at Big League Little League, have the goods on which player, from what team, is on what.
Adelaide: Ken McGregor, Marijuana. Kenny’s a pothead, I don’t care how many goals he kicks, have a look at that hair and beard combination. Ken was found out when it was revealed he listens to ‘The Grateful Dead’, has the runners bring him chocolate and kept referring to Neil Craig as ‘that angry dude’.
Brisbane: Jonathon Brown, Ketamine. Prone to giving the user a sense of invulnerability as well as aggressive and violent behaviour, Browny has been on the Special K for years, probably prescribed by Leigh Matthews. It also might explain the constant blank stare.
Carlton: Ryan Houlihan, Heroin. Yep, Houls is on the hammer. Not one for the hard stuff on the field, he’s not afraid of it off it. No wonder they can’t get a consistent performance from him, hell, they can barely get a pulse. Last seen heading to Laurence Angwin’s house with Anthony Koutoufides’ DVD player. Fucking junkie.
Collingwood: Chad Morrison, Ecstasy. Probably a hold over from his days as a West Coast Eagle, Chad showed up to training one day with a chuppa-chup, furry pants and 3 of his ‘best mates’, who he met 2 hours ago. When asked if he was in a fit state to train, Chad replied, “No way man, I’m trippin’ balls”.
Essendon: Mark McVeigh, potentially fatal overdose of fake tan.
Fremantle: Chris Connolly, PCP. Giving the user illusions and hallucinations, PCP may also have effects such as delusions, mental turmoil, and a sensation of distance from one’s environment. How else do you explain the fact that he seems to think his job is safe?
Hawthorn: Shane Crawford, Ecstasy. Crawf’s a pill monkey, big surprise, right? I mean, ever wondered why he starts dancing when the umpire blows his whistle? Long term side effects include damage to nerve endings in the brain that are critical for thought. That would explain Hank Bulger.
Kangaroos: Glenn Archer, Amphetamines. How else could an old man stay so angry for so long? To be fair, the test may have been slightly skewed had Arch gotten hold of Nathan Thompson’s Prozac.
Melbourne: Travis Johnstone, Marijuana. Constantly referred to as a laconic, laid back and relaxed footballer, Trav is simply stoned most of the time. He has all the traits of a smoker; skinny, underachieving and delusional (ever see him try and thread a stab pass between 4 defenders from 45m?). Geoff Haywood from ‘The Club’ is a personal hero.
Port Adelaide: Adam Kingsley, Amyl Nitrate. For those of you unsure what Amyl Nitrate is, it’s sales go through the roof around Mardi Gras time and it ‘relaxes’ certain parts of the body. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Richmond: Matthew Richardson, Cocaine. Think about it; the brief incredible highs, the inevitable lengthy lows, the unpredictable mood swings, the weight fluctuations, that hair cut… it’s all starting to make sense.
St. Kilda: Nick Riewoldt, Rohypnol. Nick was the one who tested positive twice but in Nick’s fairness, it was slipped into his drink by Stephen Milne… and then Leigh Montagna.
Sydney: Ryan O’Keefe, see ‘Adam Kingsley’.
West Coast: Easy one here, Ben Cousins. The only question is how many drugs did he test positive for? Ecstasy certainly, cocaine probably, speed without doubt; and what day did they conduct the testing? They may have caught him on a “Weed Wednesday”. I wonder if the drug testing machine analysed his blood sample and came back with the response ‘Keith Richards’.
This weeks tips:
Geelong v Fremantle, the Cats by 21pts.
Melbourne v Adelaide, Adelaide by 14 pts.
Today (10, March, 2006) in ‘The Age’, it was revealed that 15 AFL players tested positive for recreational drugs in the past year, since out of season testing began. (One of them even tested positive twice - one more positive test away from a suspension, public shaming and a role on Neighbours). Minus Geelong, that’s one player per team who is on the gear, and we here at Big League Little League, have the goods on which player, from what team, is on what.
Adelaide: Ken McGregor, Marijuana. Kenny’s a pothead, I don’t care how many goals he kicks, have a look at that hair and beard combination. Ken was found out when it was revealed he listens to ‘The Grateful Dead’, has the runners bring him chocolate and kept referring to Neil Craig as ‘that angry dude’.
Brisbane: Jonathon Brown, Ketamine. Prone to giving the user a sense of invulnerability as well as aggressive and violent behaviour, Browny has been on the Special K for years, probably prescribed by Leigh Matthews. It also might explain the constant blank stare.
Carlton: Ryan Houlihan, Heroin. Yep, Houls is on the hammer. Not one for the hard stuff on the field, he’s not afraid of it off it. No wonder they can’t get a consistent performance from him, hell, they can barely get a pulse. Last seen heading to Laurence Angwin’s house with Anthony Koutoufides’ DVD player. Fucking junkie.
Collingwood: Chad Morrison, Ecstasy. Probably a hold over from his days as a West Coast Eagle, Chad showed up to training one day with a chuppa-chup, furry pants and 3 of his ‘best mates’, who he met 2 hours ago. When asked if he was in a fit state to train, Chad replied, “No way man, I’m trippin’ balls”.
Essendon: Mark McVeigh, potentially fatal overdose of fake tan.
Fremantle: Chris Connolly, PCP. Giving the user illusions and hallucinations, PCP may also have effects such as delusions, mental turmoil, and a sensation of distance from one’s environment. How else do you explain the fact that he seems to think his job is safe?
Hawthorn: Shane Crawford, Ecstasy. Crawf’s a pill monkey, big surprise, right? I mean, ever wondered why he starts dancing when the umpire blows his whistle? Long term side effects include damage to nerve endings in the brain that are critical for thought. That would explain Hank Bulger.
Kangaroos: Glenn Archer, Amphetamines. How else could an old man stay so angry for so long? To be fair, the test may have been slightly skewed had Arch gotten hold of Nathan Thompson’s Prozac.
Melbourne: Travis Johnstone, Marijuana. Constantly referred to as a laconic, laid back and relaxed footballer, Trav is simply stoned most of the time. He has all the traits of a smoker; skinny, underachieving and delusional (ever see him try and thread a stab pass between 4 defenders from 45m?). Geoff Haywood from ‘The Club’ is a personal hero.
Port Adelaide: Adam Kingsley, Amyl Nitrate. For those of you unsure what Amyl Nitrate is, it’s sales go through the roof around Mardi Gras time and it ‘relaxes’ certain parts of the body. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Richmond: Matthew Richardson, Cocaine. Think about it; the brief incredible highs, the inevitable lengthy lows, the unpredictable mood swings, the weight fluctuations, that hair cut… it’s all starting to make sense.
St. Kilda: Nick Riewoldt, Rohypnol. Nick was the one who tested positive twice but in Nick’s fairness, it was slipped into his drink by Stephen Milne… and then Leigh Montagna.
Sydney: Ryan O’Keefe, see ‘Adam Kingsley’.
West Coast: Easy one here, Ben Cousins. The only question is how many drugs did he test positive for? Ecstasy certainly, cocaine probably, speed without doubt; and what day did they conduct the testing? They may have caught him on a “Weed Wednesday”. I wonder if the drug testing machine analysed his blood sample and came back with the response ‘Keith Richards’.
This weeks tips:
Geelong v Fremantle, the Cats by 21pts.
Melbourne v Adelaide, Adelaide by 14 pts.
posted by the captain at 1:17 pm
4 Comments:
An insightful look into the underbelly of footys rising stars. On another note I thought I saw Cameron Mooney at Bunning’s buying a palate of silver spray cans..
Another couple of quality posts.
Gary "God" Ablett would be proud of his disciples.
Man that was piss funny but the West Coast one you have totally wrong. There is no way that Benny Cuz takes more of the powder and pills than Micky Gardiner
-Tee
Fantastic to get another look of that Benny Cuz photo. I stand by my previous Gardiner comment though.
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