2006 AFL Season Preview, Pt. 2: The Middle of the Road

Part 2 of Big League, Little League's 2006 AFL Season Preview is dedicated to those teams who we think won't make the finals, either because they're not quite there yet, or they're not quite there anymore. These teams will probably throw a surprising victory in every now and then, but most of the season will be spent counting down the days till this year's footy trip. The worst part about being one of these teams is that while you're not good enough to make the finals, you're not bad enough to be awarded decent draft picks either. Solution: try harder.

Hawthorn

Captain: They seem to have a talented young list but are a couple of years and a coaching change away from competing, plus Richie Vandenberg is just a terrible choice as captain. I get the feeling Alistair Clarkson will hold on to his job just long enough to see them turn the corner, then, in a stunning move from the boardroom to the sideline, Dermott Brereton will fire Clarkson and name himself as coach. Under the new, Brereton-led regime, training would involve vodka, bare-knuckle brawling and B-list celebrities, in that particular order. (12th)

Mrs. Watson: I like this team! It hurts to say it, but I do. A big forward would come in handy though, as I don’t think Mark Williams can keep his goal kicking stats up that high for much longer. Maybe Dunstall could slip the boots back on for the time being. A quick visit to Advanced Hair, a follow up at Brereton’s private salon, and he’d fit right in. Just kick it straight to him though, Franklin, he’s a fat bastard these days, and won’t lead. Jeff Kennett has got to make a difference as well. Love a football club President who runs his club like he ran his state: like a prick. I hear the new Waverly complex houses a Casino as well. The Hawks will be good, no doubt about it, just not for a while. (11th)

Western Bulldogs

Mrs. Watson: Some people fancy the Bulldogs. I don’t. They’re shit; too many old bastards doing too much of the work. It seems to me that everyone is getting way too excited about the bloody average season the Bulldogs had in 2005. Sure, they have some good young players, but who doesn’t (apart from Carlton)? Why are people so fucking impressed with this side? For the same respect, Geelong’d have to win back to back Premierships playing Andrew Mackie. Sheesh! (12th)

Captain: Yeah, they got too much press for too little result last season, like when that autistic kid hit all those 3's in his high school basketball game. I echo Mrs. Watson when I say, good young midfield but no key-position players. However, there’s something about ‘Rocket’ Eade that frightens me. I wouldn’t fuck anything up with him around. He reminds me of a Dad who takes his family to church on Sunday, and then beats them with an extension lead when they get home. I think the players are afraid of him and I think that fear will drive to the brink of the finals. (9th)

Fremantle

Captain: Ahh, the Dockers. What can be said about being a Dockers supporter that hasn’t already been said about going through customs with Schapelle Corby? It’s traumatic, should have been avoided, and eventually you’ll be bent over with your pants around your ankles. Every year they seem to have a talented list yet every year they underachieve. At some point this has to reflect on the coach, no? I don’t know how he’s lasted this long. Maybe it’s the time difference between here and Freo, maybe Chris Connolly has already been fired and we just don’t know yet. All I know is that if I was a Dockers member, I’d be getting my boogie-board bag ready again. (11th)

Mrs. Watson: I hate this club. I hate its players. I hate its coach. I hate its supporters. I hate its pink and green fucking uniform. The only thing the Dockers get-up is missing, in my opinion, is those women’s tennis socks with those tiny fuckin’ pom-poms attached. I hate that ponytailed freak who poonces around the forward line sniffing out cheap goals and waving his finger at the crowd as if he’s God’s gift to football. I hate Peter Bell and his girly style of play. I hate Pavlich’s glove. I do like the fact that the Dockers always underachieve however, and I too wait with baited breath for the Connolly sacking. Only a Cats premiership will bring me more joy than watching that stupid bastard act surprised when he’s eventually given the ass. Without a change of coach, I predict continuous underachieving… and I like it! (10th)

Port Adelaide

Mrs. Watson: I really don’t know how to comment. “I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted,” might be apt. What else is there to say, really? A copy of Mark Williams’ paperback, “Dealing with the Downward Spiral,” is on its way to Paul Roos. (9th)

The Captain: I have a problem with Mark Williams. I don’t know the man at all, but something about him just rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it’s that smug smile he carries at press conferences after Port win. Maybe it’s the way he fires shots through the press at players who have left the club (conveniently forgetting he did exactly the same thing in his playing days). Or maybe it’s the fact that after they won the premiership he felt it necessary to shout, “Allan Scott; you were wrong!” to the club’s major sponsor, who was watching from his hospital bed. With or without their classless leader, Port will struggle with a depleted midfield and without the depth of previous years. (10th)

Next preview post: ladder positions 5-8.

Out.