Thursday, April 30, 2009

Dogs, Swine, Walnut & You

Ever the humanitarian, Mrs Watson set off earlier this week on a one man crusade to cure swine flu. Using his network of agents, acquaintances and paid informants, Mrs Watson found a promising lead: A rumour had been circulating that a crazed scientist/farmer, based just outside of Warrnambool, had been fooling around with DNA and cross-breeding, pitting large regional Victorian men against several species of pig, feeding them nothing but Walnuts and surrounding them with posters of Daryl Baldock.

Meanwhile, fuelled by the vacuum left by Glenn Archer, the ranting was going unchecked on Footy Classified, orbiting the realm of self-inflated opinion at such a rate that it was able to circumnavigate the Malcolm Blight system eight times before Craig Hutchinson could blink. Mrs Watson knew something was up and applied pressure in some sensitive places (figuratively speaking). The cracks began to show.

Mrs Watson has not been seen since. But we have his tips. Godspeed, Mrs Watson.

North Melbourne v Collingwood
Mrs Watson: Collingwood
Captain: Collingwood

Hawthorn v Carlton
Mrs Watson: Hawthorn
Captain: Hawthorn

West Coast v Fremantle
Mrs Watson: West Coast
Captain: Fremantle

Brisbane v Essendon
Mrs Watson: Brisbane
Captain: Brisbane

Port Adelaide v Adelaide
Mrs Watson: Port Adelaide
Captain: Adelaide

Sydney v Richmond
Mrs Watson: Sydney
Captain: Sydney

Melbourne v Geelong
Mrs Watson: Geelong
Captain: Geelong

Western Bulldog v StKilda
Mrs Watson: StKilda
Captain: StKilda

Captain: Season Tally: 27-13

Mrs Watson: Season Tally: 19-21

Julia Gillard and her ridiculously large shoulder pads is closing.
Season Tally: 25-15

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Round 5: It's not your fault, Mrs Watson

Port Adelaide v St Kilda
Captain:
Yes, the Saints have delivered a couple of floggings, but let’s go over those wins a little more closely, shall we? They just got over Sydney in round one, beat Adelaide at AAMI in round two (admittedly a good win) and then towelled up West Coast and Freo at the dome. Is that really the stuff of premiers, Robert Walls? Does that really make Dal Santo as good as Yablett, James Hird? Seriously Mrs W, what kind of asshole believes the hype?

Mrs Watson: Probably the same assholes that wear denim shorts or buy Evermore records. That's some confusing shit. You're right: there's nothing impressive about thrashing West Coast or Fremantle, but this game could go either way. Saints in a close one.

Essendon v Collingwood
Captain:
The ANZAC day tradition continues, minus one key detail: Where’s my fucking public holiday? Sure, the day itself falls on a Saturday, but that’s never stopped us before, just pay it on the Monday! Sheesh! This is something we really need to take up with Julia Gillard otherwise I’m likely to rant about it for the rest of this blog.

Mrs Watson: Chill the fuck out, Captain. Essendon or Collingwood?

Captain: Ummm, Magpies. And just so you know, at this point I’m using a complex mathematical formula pioneered by Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting to pick my winners. I got five last week, by the way, including The Demons. How did you go?

Mrs. Watson: Let's just say that I didn't get them all right, and leave it at that. I think it's cause I'm using the Ben Affleck formula. Collingwood. Easily.

Hawthorn v West Coast
Captain:
Speaking of downhill careers, good to see Daniel Kerr is still alive and kicking. And did the Eagles stuff Peter Sumich into a jumper last week or what? They finally found a forward line. But Hawthorn can’t lose again, can they?

Mrs Watson: Probably not this week. But if they keep pissing and moaning about injuries, they just might lose themselves another one. Seriously, if they can't get close to Port Adelaide with Franklin, Hodge and Mitchell, you've got bigger troubles than injuries to your third strings. West Coast have surprised a few this year, so I'd give them a chance at home... but not in Melbourne. Hawks.

Fremantle v Sydney
Captain:
Ahh, West Richmond, added to my 'never tip' list about 3 years ago and still paying dividends. Interesting to see Gary ‘Pedro the’ Lyon suggested Pavlich might be better off leaving and may find a home at the Cats! I’d imagine you might collapse if The Pav ever made his way to G-troit.

Mrs Watson: Dude, if the Pav played for Geelong I would lose my shit. But having said that, if it meant Gablett had to play for the Gold Coast, I'd pack my shit up, take a plane to Coolangatta and get a job scrubbing canal scum off some rich prick's boat - just to watch Jnr play on weekends. Sydney.

North Melbourne v Richmond
Captain:
On that note, and as the imminent, four-years-in-the-making sacking is almost upon us, I’m going with Chris Jackson’s suggestion for this week’s euphemism: ‘Taking a Terry’. It’s short, catchy, accurate and goddamn it that I didn’t think of it! Hats off, Chris Jackson, wherever you are and whichever one you are. We got a winner, Mrs Watto?

Mrs Watson: Daniel Wells and his pie are looking pretty good this week. But let's not just sack Terry Wallace, let's close the whole freakin' operation down, shall we? It's just not working. Let's move on.

Geelong v Brisbane
Captain:
I’d like your thoughts on the Cats this week, Mrs W. Plenty of injuries, which isn’t being talked about, 4-0 and yet to put it together for four quarters. You like what you see?

Mrs Watson: Kinda...it reminds me of last year, actually. Winning ugly until Round 10 and then BAM! we're unstoppable. But, to be honest, if you had a time machine, and you went to the future by somehow utilising this time machine, and then you told me that Geelong were to play in this year's Grand Final, I couldn't really care less about the next 18 rounds of football. 2008 taught me that you can lose to Richmond, then win a Grand Final four weeks later. So do I like what I see? Who knows. Cats.

Captain: (And that, Ladies & Gentleman, is why we wanted Mrs Watson back. Actually, screw it; take this thing the rest of the way, W!)

Western Bulldogs v Carlton
Mrs Watson:
There's nothing more satisfying than bursting a blister, and the Carlton puss was well and truly extracted last week. I have no idea how the Bulldogs lost last week, but I don't expect it to happen again this week. At least I hope not... my Supercoach team is starting to very much resemble the entire Bulldogs side. Geez... why do I bother... each… and every... season...

Melbourne v Adelaide:
Mrs Watson:
This game is game is an insult to my intelligence. Melbourne. I mean...Adelaide.


Captain: StK, Coll, Haw, Syd, NM, Geel, WB, Adel
Season Tally: 23-9

Mrs Watson: StK, Coll, Haw, Syd, NM, Geel, WB, Adel
Season Tally: 15-17

Julia Gillard owes me a public holiday and $900.
Season Tally: 20-12

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Round 4: Flying Solo

Unfortunately Mrs Watson has been called away on urgent business this week, so I’ll be doing this one Harrison Ford-style, solo! (Sorry, I’m tired and couldn’t come up with a gag related to AFL and/or any film post-1988. Not exactly flying out of the blocks here, but I digress…)

Brisbane v Collingwood
So, at this point of the season Michael Voss is out-coaching Mick Malthouse? That what’s been happening? Are we sure? Collingwood really only seem to have one gear, like one of those guys who nails four pots in the first hour at the pub and spends the rest of the night alternatively throwing up and self-loathing. Actually, they are a bit dysfunctional, Collingwood, aren’t they? It’s like Mick is a hard-ass single parent with 22 sons on parole, asking him for money and loafing around the house: You can tell they need guidance, only Mick’s strict, disciplinarian approach, not to mention his alcohol-fuelled temper, is pushing the kids further and further away when what they really need now is a hug. Why won’t you hug your own children, Mick? WHY? Um… Brisbane.

Sydney v Carlton
The Blues were getting too much press for beating no-one and Sydney beat Hawthorn in between two losses… Hmm… Gotta think this one through, Captain… Could a Swan beat-up a Blue? What is a Blue? A Winfield blue? (If cigarette companies were still allowed to advertise I would have just made Richard Pratt another million dollars right there.) Sydney.

Hawthorn v Port Adelaide
I’m sticking with the Hawks here, and since I have nothing to add, I realise that I forgot the new weekly segment, ‘euphemism for taking a dump’ last week, so I’ll attempt to give you two this week, the first of which is, “dominating the back-half”.

StKilda v Fremantle
In a perfect world, Mark Harvey and Terry Wallace would be forced to exchange faces and fight to the death, just like Nicholas Cage and John Travolta in ‘Face Off’.

Adelaide v Geelong
I like the Cats slowish start to the season: They look a little bit underdone, they’ve got a few injuries, they’ve had some close games, but they’re still winning. Perfect. You don’t want to be flying right now, like StKilda, who will crash about Round 16. The Cats will again do just enough to take the candy. And while we’re here, as a few of you have said, yes Byrnes will probably stay in after a decent game. Yablett has been great, Chapman looks switched on, I’ve liked Trav Varcoe’s work, I reckon Hawkins and The Flying Wojcinski are showing some signs. Plenty of improvement left in the backline too. Good times.

West Coast v Bulldogs
Speaking of peaking too early, Bulldogs.

North Melbourne v Essendon
Who will win? North. This week’s second euphemism? “De-listing Richard Tambling”.

Richmond v Melbourne
I had originally planned another rant about Terry Wallace but we’ve been doing that for four years. So instead I’ll just point out that Richmond has played finals twice since 1983… That’s twice in 26 years… Not even winning a final, just making it… In a league where half the teams play finals… I mean, for Christ’s sake, last year a man gave birth and the Tigers can't finish above half of the league? Yes, fire Terry Walace already. Sheesh!


Captain: Bris, Syd, Haw, StK, Geel, NM, Melb, WB
Season Tally: 18-6

Mrs Watson: Bris, Carl, Haw, StK, Geel, Ess, Rich, WB
Season Tally: 13-11

Julia Gillard has not published her tips yet. Typical.
Season Tally: 17-7

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Round 3: Better Late Than Never

Geelong v Collinwood
Captain:
Is last week what you’d call “falling over the line”? Richmond, of all teams, getting that close, at KP… Gaz and Dog Johnson stepped up in the 4th quarter but the Cats seemed out of run. Plus, your BFF Mark Blake continues to disappoint. Any ideas on what’s going wrong and what might go right?

Mrs. Watson: Ease up on Blake. As far as I'm concerned, while Johnson may have stepped up in the final term, his failure to hussle and his general lack of forward pressure in the first three probably played a part in keeping Richmond within striking distance. He was looking fairly pathetic there for a while. I can't really tip Geelong against Collingwood based on last weeks lacklustre performance, but Collingwood don't look great either. I'll go with the TAB. Cats. Hey, do we know how many winners Gillard tipped last week?

Captain: I did like Lips’ 4th quarter plan of “Dog Johnson in the F50, everyone else get the fuck out of the way”, however. As for Blake, I’ll just say I’m looking forward to the Trent “Go” West era, although Shannon Byrnes has also been named as he continues to ransom Lips’ children. Jules got five, which, might I add, was one more than you.

St Kilda v West Coast
Mrs. Watson:
Godamn!! Did she pick West Coast to beat Port? Cause if she did, it means she knows nothing. St Kilda easily this week. Captain, can you tell me the exact moment when “Allegedly” Montagna got good? I fell asleep and he was getting 5 touches a game. When I woke up, people were calling him a “midfielder”. Am I still asleep?

Captain: It’s possible, but Wallsy did write his annual “St Kilda could challenge for a flag” article. And I when I say he wrote it, I mean he dusted off the one he’s written each of the past 6 seasons and just deleted the 150 words slamming Grant Thomas. Speaking of Walnut, I hear his nuttiness is beginning to take over Footy Classified. Good times.

Mrs. Watson: Walnut is awesome.

Brisbane v Sydney
Captain:
Ummmmmmm… Sydney. Sorry, just had to shake the magic eight-ball.

Mrs. Watson: I'm betting against your eight-ball, because it once told me it liked fucking with you. Brisbane.

Carlton v Essendon
Captain:
Say Mrs W, speaking of betting, have you got that 900 bones our fellow tipster Ms Gillard has promised us? Would it be stimulating enough to the economy if we put it all on Carlton here?

Mrs Watson: I think this is exactly the kind of thing she'd like us to do with our $900. But, I'm putting $225 on Carlton to win, and the change on Matthew Lloyd to do fuck all while wearing oversized shorts. Carlton will shit this in.

Port Adelaide v Melbourne
Captain:
Melbourne is going to get beaten like Nathan Jones’s Dad. Let’s just move on, shall we?

North Melbourne v Hawthorn
Captain:
Is it possible the Hawks start 0-3? Could Alistair Clarkson’s head get any redder? I doubt it, on both accounts. On a side note, let’s parlay our winnings from the Trunks Lloyd bet into a “Matthew Egan / Trent Croad never to play again” double.

Mrs. Watson: What’s the problem with this North Melbourne rubber chicken video? I haven’t seen it myself (only bits and pieces), but all I have to go on is John Barnes’ description of the clip: “The video pictured a rubber chicken with a condom on its head performing sex acts on an uncooked chicken carcass. The carcass was then thrown into a wall and run over with a car tyre.” This video sounds hilarious!! I mean, the concept seems a little bizarre, sure, but is anyone really surprised that this weird shit goes on? Do we really have to watch these douche bags apologise for making a sexually explicit short film starring a rubber chicken? A RUBBER CHICKEN!!!? Jesus, who cares? I bet John Barnes has done some lewd shit in his time, too. That guy has “suss” written all over him. Enough. Kangaroos.

Fremantle v Adelaide
Captain:
John Barnes has got a column now? Are we sure it isn’t ghost written, like ‘Crackers’ Keenan’s was? Now there are a couple of intellectual giants, but wait, they’ve got a sliver of a profile, so let’s give them a column. And while we’re at it, here comes The Age to give Gary Lyon 800 words and another outlet to continue blathering his toothless bullshit. The game? Freo will get beaten like Nathan Bock’s girlfriend.

Mrs Watson: Adelaide. Adelaide. Adelaide. No doubt. By the way, am I the only one absolutely loving the demise of Mark Harvey? I mean, I’m enjoying this more than I enjoyed the demise of Chris Connelly, or Jeff Farmer even. Do they even televise Fremantle games anymore?

Captain: For some reason I always envisage Mark Harvey on a TV quiz show, staring blankly into space as the host reels off questions after question. I guess that’s not a good thing for the Dockers.

Western Bulldogs v Richmond
Captain:
Do we need to say anything here? I will now watch the Petrol Boy eight times in a row. I’m not even kidding.

Mrs. Watson: Waaaaaaay ahead of you.


Captain: Geel, StK, Syd, Carl, Port, Haw, Adel, WB
Season Tally: 12-4
Mrs W: Geel, StK, Bris, Carl, Port, NM, Adel, WB
Season Tally: 7-9
Julia Gillard: Geel, StK, Bris, Carl, Port, Haw, Adel, WB
Season Tally: 10-6

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Big League vs The ALP

Adelaide v St Kilda
Captain:
This is the toughest game of the round to pick, I reckon. On one hand Adelaide surprised Collingwood in Melbourne, and on the other St Kilda beat up a tres’ disappointing Sydney. I’ll have to use my “Neil Craig tie-breaker”.

Mrs Watson: Well, I'm using my “Ross Lyon tie-breaker” here, and also going with Adelaide. Let's move on... Geelong by how many, Captain?

Geelong v Richmond
Captain:
Hmm, Skilled Stadium is normally a bit lower scoring than the G or Dome, plus they have that hole in the grand stand that is apparently making the wind unbearable, plus the Tigers will be fired after all the negative press, so approximately 8000 points, with Hatchet kicking 27 goals.

Mrs Watson: Yeah, Richmond should loosen the belt now I say, but IF Hatchet plays, I'll bet you a parmi he won’t kick more than 3. Seriously, when will this tradition of very average Geelong forwards end? Despite our current greatness, our “goal kickers” are invisible. Lonergan… um, to be nice, I'm pretty sure the doctors removed his kidney and took his testicles while they were there. Gamble... no, another mirage. Hatchet... lost. Mooney... Jason.* Who the hell started this thing anyway? Mitchell White? Ronnie Burns? David Mensch?

Captain: Don’t forget the immortal Brett Spinks. Speaking of bets, is this tipping contest for bragging rights only, or is there something on the line? And which celebrity tipster are we going up against?

Mrs Watson: Fifi Box? Is that her real surname? If it is, why hasn't she changed it yet? And if not, why did she change it to Box? And what was her surname at birth? Could it have been worse than Box? I tell you what, if you win this tipping contest, I will change my surname to Box. If I win, you have to change your first name to Fifi. By deed poll. Any other ideas?

Collingwood v Melbourne
Captain:
Yeah, how about we just keep it to a chicken dinner? And seeing as though you just used a month’s worth of Fifi Box jokes, how about we measure ourselves against this country’s deputy PM, Ms Julia Gilliard instead? So, getting on with winning this thing, Melbourne has earned the Richmond memorial “tip against them every week” rule. When they finally play the Tiges I’m expecting the MCG to be swallowed by some sort of black hole.

Mrs. Watson: Julia Gillard. Got it! I'm going for Collingwood here, obviously. Hey, did you see our prospective Gold Coast captain, Brent Moloney, had a pearler the other day? I miss 'im. Wait... how many winners did Gillard tip in Round 1?

Carlton v Brisbane
Captain:
I’m pretty sure Gillard got 5, and picked very similarly to you, i.e. poorly. Hey, did you know Carlton is the 3rd favourite for the premiership? What a disgrace. All of sudden the AFL has 2 Harlem Globetrotters and 14 Washington Generals. But at least the Globetrotters were open about their cheating, if not their smug sense of self-satisfaction. Wait, which one were Carlton again?

Mrs Watson: I'm tipping Brisbane. Am I serious? Yes. Did I score only 3 correct last round? Shut up. Get off the Carlton wagon already, you moths!! This'll be close.

Sydney v Hawthorn
Captain:
How many fucking snipers are on that Hawthorn team? I hope Barry Hall realises that he and the Swans are going nowhere and chooses this week for his farewell “knock out as many of Sam Mitchell’s teeth as possible” game.

Mrs. Watson: Ah, Sam Mitchell. Looks like a cupcake on TV, but when you get up close, he’s actually just a cunt. Hawthorn will bloody win this. Look for Roughead to kick 4 goals in junk time, and then David Schwarz to call him an All Australian. I’m on to you, Jarryd!

Captain: Perhaps we should use this phenomenon for other parts of life, for example, “after half of us had left the pub, he pulled a Roughead shout”.

Essendon v Fremantle
Captain:
How can one possibly explain Fremantle? The Richmond of the West?

Mrs Watson: No-one can pretend to understand Fremantle. One can only laugh at their coach, joke about their haircuts, and... wait... what’s that!? Tarrant in the backline? Essendon.

Western Bulldogs v North Melbourne
Mrs Watson:
Again... Wells, the pie, Bulldogs.

Captain: What food would it take for you to pick against the Dogs? Say, if you saw Adam Cooney eating one of those monster whoppers? Daniel Cross eating haggis? Brad Johnson eating his own shit?

Mrs Watson: If I saw Brad Johnson diggin’ into his own faeces I’d still tip them against North. I once saw Andrew Mackie polish off a deck of Winfield Blues and it didn’t change my mind about the Cats’ chances. But there’s something about the meat pie. Something that says, “I no longer care about winning. I only care about pies”. The Diet Coke that Wells purchased to accompany the pie didn’t help either. It just made the whole scene weirder.

West Coast v Port Adelaide
Captain:
Speaking of shit, this week’s euphemism is “Dropping a spare man into defence”. Port, easily.

Mrs Watson: I concur. Port. Easily.

The Captain: Adel, Gee, Coll, Carl, Haw, Ess, WB, Port
Season tally: 7-1
Mrs Watson: Adel, Gee, Coll, Bris, Haw, Ess, WB, Port
Season tally: 3-5
Julia Gillard tips in the Herald-Sun every Friday
Season Tally: 5-3

*Mrs Watson would like to thank a very good friend of his for the Jason Mooney joke. You know who you are. Mrs Watson has forgotten.