Big League vs The ALP

Adelaide v St Kilda
Captain: This is the toughest game of the round to pick, I reckon. On one hand Adelaide surprised Collingwood in Melbourne, and on the other St Kilda beat up a tres’ disappointing Sydney. I’ll have to use my “Neil Craig tie-breaker”.

Mrs Watson: Well, I'm using my “Ross Lyon tie-breaker” here, and also going with Adelaide. Let's move on... Geelong by how many, Captain?

Geelong v Richmond
Captain: Hmm, Skilled Stadium is normally a bit lower scoring than the G or Dome, plus they have that hole in the grand stand that is apparently making the wind unbearable, plus the Tigers will be fired after all the negative press, so approximately 8000 points, with Hatchet kicking 27 goals.

Mrs Watson: Yeah, Richmond should loosen the belt now I say, but IF Hatchet plays, I'll bet you a parmi he won’t kick more than 3. Seriously, when will this tradition of very average Geelong forwards end? Despite our current greatness, our “goal kickers” are invisible. Lonergan… um, to be nice, I'm pretty sure the doctors removed his kidney and took his testicles while they were there. Gamble... no, another mirage. Hatchet... lost. Mooney... Jason.* Who the hell started this thing anyway? Mitchell White? Ronnie Burns? David Mensch?

Captain: Don’t forget the immortal Brett Spinks. Speaking of bets, is this tipping contest for bragging rights only, or is there something on the line? And which celebrity tipster are we going up against?

Mrs Watson: Fifi Box? Is that her real surname? If it is, why hasn't she changed it yet? And if not, why did she change it to Box? And what was her surname at birth? Could it have been worse than Box? I tell you what, if you win this tipping contest, I will change my surname to Box. If I win, you have to change your first name to Fifi. By deed poll. Any other ideas?

Collingwood v Melbourne
Captain: Yeah, how about we just keep it to a chicken dinner? And seeing as though you just used a month’s worth of Fifi Box jokes, how about we measure ourselves against this country’s deputy PM, Ms Julia Gilliard instead? So, getting on with winning this thing, Melbourne has earned the Richmond memorial “tip against them every week” rule. When they finally play the Tiges I’m expecting the MCG to be swallowed by some sort of black hole.

Mrs. Watson: Julia Gillard. Got it! I'm going for Collingwood here, obviously. Hey, did you see our prospective Gold Coast captain, Brent Moloney, had a pearler the other day? I miss 'im. Wait... how many winners did Gillard tip in Round 1?

Carlton v Brisbane
Captain: I’m pretty sure Gillard got 5, and picked very similarly to you, i.e. poorly. Hey, did you know Carlton is the 3rd favourite for the premiership? What a disgrace. All of sudden the AFL has 2 Harlem Globetrotters and 14 Washington Generals. But at least the Globetrotters were open about their cheating, if not their smug sense of self-satisfaction. Wait, which one were Carlton again?

Mrs Watson: I'm tipping Brisbane. Am I serious? Yes. Did I score only 3 correct last round? Shut up. Get off the Carlton wagon already, you moths!! This'll be close.

Sydney v Hawthorn
Captain: How many fucking snipers are on that Hawthorn team? I hope Barry Hall realises that he and the Swans are going nowhere and chooses this week for his farewell “knock out as many of Sam Mitchell’s teeth as possible” game.

Mrs. Watson: Ah, Sam Mitchell. Looks like a cupcake on TV, but when you get up close, he’s actually just a cunt. Hawthorn will bloody win this. Look for Roughead to kick 4 goals in junk time, and then David Schwarz to call him an All Australian. I’m on to you, Jarryd!

Captain: Perhaps we should use this phenomenon for other parts of life, for example, “after half of us had left the pub, he pulled a Roughead shout”.

Essendon v Fremantle
Captain: How can one possibly explain Fremantle? The Richmond of the West?

Mrs Watson: No-one can pretend to understand Fremantle. One can only laugh at their coach, joke about their haircuts, and... wait... what’s that!? Tarrant in the backline? Essendon.

Western Bulldogs v North Melbourne
Mrs Watson: Again... Wells, the pie, Bulldogs.

Captain: What food would it take for you to pick against the Dogs? Say, if you saw Adam Cooney eating one of those monster whoppers? Daniel Cross eating haggis? Brad Johnson eating his own shit?

Mrs Watson: If I saw Brad Johnson diggin’ into his own faeces I’d still tip them against North. I once saw Andrew Mackie polish off a deck of Winfield Blues and it didn’t change my mind about the Cats’ chances. But there’s something about the meat pie. Something that says, “I no longer care about winning. I only care about pies”. The Diet Coke that Wells purchased to accompany the pie didn’t help either. It just made the whole scene weirder.

West Coast v Port Adelaide
Captain: Speaking of shit, this week’s euphemism is “Dropping a spare man into defence”. Port, easily.

Mrs Watson: I concur. Port. Easily.

The Captain: Adel, Gee, Coll, Carl, Haw, Ess, WB, Port
Season tally: 7-1
Mrs Watson: Adel, Gee, Coll, Bris, Haw, Ess, WB, Port
Season tally: 3-5
Julia Gillard tips in the Herald-Sun every Friday
Season Tally: 5-3

*Mrs Watson would like to thank a very good friend of his for the Jason Mooney joke. You know who you are. Mrs Watson has forgotten.