A Foot, a Wax, a Trade & a Ranga
Spring has traditionally been looked at as a time of growth and renewal and all other types of vague clichéd analogies that can be drawn from leaves falling off trees. So, after spending most of the last two months trying to forget, I am now born anew, like Lazarus! (Or whoever that ancient God was that was famously reborn. I’m sure there were a few.) March and the NAB Cup can’t come soon enough. I can see it now; the wacky rules, the atrocious skills, the prominent involvement of Kane Tenace… Who’s ready for some football?!
But before we go around again in 2009, let’s go through a quick cheat-sheet of what I like to call, “what-the-Captain-can-remember-from-the-off-season”. (At this point I would like to point out that I will not be fielding any questions about 2008 until The Cats win another flag or I have Alistair Clarkson’s head in a box like Brad Pitt at the end of Se7en.)
Ben Cousins
The AFL and Adolf Demetriou have insisted upon some pretty stringent, and probably redundant, testing procedures attached to Cousins’ reinstatement into the league, and there are several, most of them valid, differing opinions about this floating around in the media. It’s been tackled from every angle, to the point that we are all now up to speed on Ben’s recent Brazilian. I tried to come up with my take on this thing a few times, but I just don’t think I care. I will say I’ll be massively surprised if he can get back to the level he was playing at a few years ago but, importantly, haven’t St.Kilda learned their lesson? Cousins and Nathan Carroll, really? More washed up, recycled players? After the unspeakable success of Chaz and Michael, the brothers Gardiner? I feel like Brody from Mallrats, watching that bastard kid climb back on the escalator; “The Saints are back in the PRE-SEASON DRAFT!!”
Richmond’s new captain
Speaking of stunning success stories, the Tigers have continued theirs by naming Chris “Who?” Newman as their new captain, replacing Kane “He’s actually playing?” Johnson. Newman will switch to Guernsey number 17, which all Tiger captains wear, although 9 would be much more fitting. Sigh. I say it every year but I guess I’ll have to say it again; there will be nothing but garbage out of Punt Road until Terry Terrific is gone. What a disgrace of a club. I can’t believe their members put up with it. To make up for it, every September Richmond memberships should be made redeemable for “Door Charge and 2 drinks” at the Spearmint Rhino.
GC17
Guy McKenna… pre-season training… Rumours of Nathan Ablett… Ridiculous amount of draft picks that will destroy the league when they join… yada yada yada…
Egan
The club has confirmed what most of us have thought for a while, and what Mrs Watson has thought all along, that Egan’s career is done, although he is seeking a second opinion. To recap, Egan broke his navicular bone after Jonathon Brown landed on top of it, round 22, 2007. With the bone being so small, and at an extremity, it gets little blood and takes an extended period to heal. Egan did further damage, during an impossible comeback bid for the 2007 Grand Final. He then had screws inserted into the foot when apparently the best remedy is to rest and let the bone “re-fuse” naturally. 18 months later, Egan is still limping and retired at age 24. Boy, when we fuck something up, we don’t go half way, do we?
International Rules Series
Did not watch one minute of this. Don’t know, don’t care. Fuck it off, Demetriou.
The Fixture
Memo to AFL: More Monday night games. We can handle it. Can you imagine coming home from work, having just had the standard, crappy Monday and then having a live AFL game to watch? Who’s not watching that?! It’ll rate the balls of Idol! Demetriou, please think of the money; won’t somebody think of the money!! Plus, my possible drinking nights will increase by 14%. Good times!
Michael Voss
Well, Vossy’s got the prime-time gig he always dreamed about, bluffing the Lions into it by first signing as an assistant at West Coast (on a related note, Voss’ former team-mate, Nigel Lappin, is the new assistant at Geelong, which is a positive). For any Brisbane fans out there, judging by his commentary, you may want to re-watch the “three-peat” DVD at some point this season. Actually, just have it cued up every weekend, you know, just in case. It is, however, always good to have guys that are fresh out of the game involved in coaching. Otherwise you end up with a live, nationally-televised, 3-quarter time address and a 60 year-old Kevin Sheedy calling for “Duckworth to go forward”. Not good times.
Trades, Draft, Etc.
The national draft this coming Saturday provides a chance to add some more talent from what is being talked about as a pretty deep talent pool. To be honest, they probably seem deeper these days because teams are doing more homework and finally realise the value of a first round draft pick. (When the Cats traded for Brad Ottens, they moved Maloney to Melbourne for pick 8 [I think]. What do the think the odds of us getting pick 8 for Maloney now would be? You’d get laughed out of the office.) Geelong will use four picks; 15, 33, 39 and 49 and should get well-rated prospects with at least the first two. A couple of names I’ve heard mentioned are Aaron Cornelius, a key forward close to the Daniel Bradshaw mould, and Tom Swift, a star of a couple of years ago who has been injured of late. I’ll also throw up Steele Sidebottom, but only because he sounds like Dirk Diggler’s latest co-star Anyway, Neil Balme is on record as saying that the Cats will go ‘best player available’ but their strategy should also tell us what they think about the development of last years draftees, and particularly the Key position guys, (and potential law firm) Simpson, Simpson and McKenna. I hope we get to see some of these bastards in the pre-season.
We lost Prismall, and for probably below market value, but so what? He isn’t Chris Judd and he was probably gonna spend another year getting 40 possessions a week against Werribee anyway. Plus, we’ve already signed one rookie, who apparently would have been a top 25 pick and at his best could be something approaching Daniel Kerr. He has an impossible to spell surname, so until Mrs Watson can formulate a complicated, ironic nickname involving something disgusting about his personal life, let me be the first to say that it’s good to have another Ranga at the club.
Spring has traditionally been looked at as a time of growth and renewal and all other types of vague clichéd analogies that can be drawn from leaves falling off trees. So, after spending most of the last two months trying to forget, I am now born anew, like Lazarus! (Or whoever that ancient God was that was famously reborn. I’m sure there were a few.) March and the NAB Cup can’t come soon enough. I can see it now; the wacky rules, the atrocious skills, the prominent involvement of Kane Tenace… Who’s ready for some football?!But before we go around again in 2009, let’s go through a quick cheat-sheet of what I like to call, “what-the-Captain-can-remember-from-the-off-season”. (At this point I would like to point out that I will not be fielding any questions about 2008 until The Cats win another flag or I have Alistair Clarkson’s head in a box like Brad Pitt at the end of Se7en.)
Ben Cousins
The AFL and Adolf Demetriou have insisted upon some pretty stringent, and probably redundant, testing procedures attached to Cousins’ reinstatement into the league, and there are several, most of them valid, differing opinions about this floating around in the media. It’s been tackled from every angle, to the point that we are all now up to speed on Ben’s recent Brazilian. I tried to come up with my take on this thing a few times, but I just don’t think I care. I will say I’ll be massively surprised if he can get back to the level he was playing at a few years ago but, importantly, haven’t St.Kilda learned their lesson? Cousins and Nathan Carroll, really? More washed up, recycled players? After the unspeakable success of Chaz and Michael, the brothers Gardiner? I feel like Brody from Mallrats, watching that bastard kid climb back on the escalator; “The Saints are back in the PRE-SEASON DRAFT!!”
Richmond’s new captain
Speaking of stunning success stories, the Tigers have continued theirs by naming Chris “Who?” Newman as their new captain, replacing Kane “He’s actually playing?” Johnson. Newman will switch to Guernsey number 17, which all Tiger captains wear, although 9 would be much more fitting. Sigh. I say it every year but I guess I’ll have to say it again; there will be nothing but garbage out of Punt Road until Terry Terrific is gone. What a disgrace of a club. I can’t believe their members put up with it. To make up for it, every September Richmond memberships should be made redeemable for “Door Charge and 2 drinks” at the Spearmint Rhino.
GC17
Guy McKenna… pre-season training… Rumours of Nathan Ablett… Ridiculous amount of draft picks that will destroy the league when they join… yada yada yada…
Egan
The club has confirmed what most of us have thought for a while, and what Mrs Watson has thought all along, that Egan’s career is done, although he is seeking a second opinion. To recap, Egan broke his navicular bone after Jonathon Brown landed on top of it, round 22, 2007. With the bone being so small, and at an extremity, it gets little blood and takes an extended period to heal. Egan did further damage, during an impossible comeback bid for the 2007 Grand Final. He then had screws inserted into the foot when apparently the best remedy is to rest and let the bone “re-fuse” naturally. 18 months later, Egan is still limping and retired at age 24. Boy, when we fuck something up, we don’t go half way, do we?
International Rules Series
Did not watch one minute of this. Don’t know, don’t care. Fuck it off, Demetriou.
The Fixture
Memo to AFL: More Monday night games. We can handle it. Can you imagine coming home from work, having just had the standard, crappy Monday and then having a live AFL game to watch? Who’s not watching that?! It’ll rate the balls of Idol! Demetriou, please think of the money; won’t somebody think of the money!! Plus, my possible drinking nights will increase by 14%. Good times!
Michael Voss
Well, Vossy’s got the prime-time gig he always dreamed about, bluffing the Lions into it by first signing as an assistant at West Coast (on a related note, Voss’ former team-mate, Nigel Lappin, is the new assistant at Geelong, which is a positive). For any Brisbane fans out there, judging by his commentary, you may want to re-watch the “three-peat” DVD at some point this season. Actually, just have it cued up every weekend, you know, just in case. It is, however, always good to have guys that are fresh out of the game involved in coaching. Otherwise you end up with a live, nationally-televised, 3-quarter time address and a 60 year-old Kevin Sheedy calling for “Duckworth to go forward”. Not good times.
Trades, Draft, Etc.
The national draft this coming Saturday provides a chance to add some more talent from what is being talked about as a pretty deep talent pool. To be honest, they probably seem deeper these days because teams are doing more homework and finally realise the value of a first round draft pick. (When the Cats traded for Brad Ottens, they moved Maloney to Melbourne for pick 8 [I think]. What do the think the odds of us getting pick 8 for Maloney now would be? You’d get laughed out of the office.) Geelong will use four picks; 15, 33, 39 and 49 and should get well-rated prospects with at least the first two. A couple of names I’ve heard mentioned are Aaron Cornelius, a key forward close to the Daniel Bradshaw mould, and Tom Swift, a star of a couple of years ago who has been injured of late. I’ll also throw up Steele Sidebottom, but only because he sounds like Dirk Diggler’s latest co-star Anyway, Neil Balme is on record as saying that the Cats will go ‘best player available’ but their strategy should also tell us what they think about the development of last years draftees, and particularly the Key position guys, (and potential law firm) Simpson, Simpson and McKenna. I hope we get to see some of these bastards in the pre-season.
We lost Prismall, and for probably below market value, but so what? He isn’t Chris Judd and he was probably gonna spend another year getting 40 possessions a week against Werribee anyway. Plus, we’ve already signed one rookie, who apparently would have been a top 25 pick and at his best could be something approaching Daniel Kerr. He has an impossible to spell surname, so until Mrs Watson can formulate a complicated, ironic nickname involving something disgusting about his personal life, let me be the first to say that it’s good to have another Ranga at the club.
posted by the captain at 10:45 pm
4 Comments:
Help me, Captain. It's December and I'm already over the cricket and just can not bring myself to give a shit about 2009 footy-wise after our choke this year.
Help me, Captain, you're my only hope.
Captain, I will continue to have trouble sleeping until that dick Clarkson gets it in the neck.
As a suggestion for 2009, could we focus an overwhelming amount of our colective hatred at this little turd.
If it means laying off the Saints, Shannon Byrnes and Paul Roos for a while (deep breath), I think there is plenty of room in my cold, black heart to embrace (forearm across throat) dear Alastair.
I like the look of the new draftees that recruiting guru Stephen Wells found for us.
Lets hope young Motlop got the "Kicking Goals Under Pressure" and the "Stringing 2 Or More Good Games Together" genes that his brother missed out on.
And we have a new Sauce Headed key forward, which is the first since Stoneham I think.
...fustercluck...
How about we focus on the Rugby, I watched most of the Wallabies game from my desk @ Wembley and was really quite impressed at how little it moved me...oh wait a minute, fuck Rugby for a joke, who am I kidding?!
Gotta concur regarding the cricket. When our best performers are traitors like Katich and shocking blokes like Haddin, it's a very bleak outlook. How about the NBL, have the Supercats made a comeback yet? It'd be good to see a throw-back team with the house-hold names like Cecil Exum, Bruce Hultgren and Vince Hinchen back to support Locke, Dozier, Dorge, Heal and co.....
It's obvious that sleep deprivation isn't a good thing!
Ben Cousins to Richmond!! If that happens the Captain could spend the first half of the season in the Bahamas (call yourself Chris Jackson while you are there), this golden little blog would write itself!!
My dream for next year, and it's a long shot, Ben wins the brownlow by a whisker after being the 4th or 5th best player for the year (the Cooney/Goodes syndrome), as soon as it is announced that he is the 2009 AFL Brownlow medalist, he runs around the room with his jacket and shirt over his head and screaming "fuck you Andrew Demetriou".
Caro would have fucking kittens and Sheehan wouldn't know what to write (which has never stopped him before)!
Have a great Christmas and New Year, Go Cats 2009.
...fustercluck...
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