An Apology


In light of recent events, and the various pending legal actions, I realize that there are several things I need to apologize for.

On the weekend I directed an on-field sledge to my opponent which crossed the line. I’d like to point out that it is highly unlikely his Grandmother is inclined to perform the acts I suggested. It is also highly unlikely she is physically able to perform these acts considering her current incapacitated state, especially with a Staffordshire bull terrier. I’d like to apologize to my opponent, his Grandmother and ‘Rocko’, the family dog. I’m very disappointed in my actions and owe it the club, the supporters and myself to move on, starting with the big game on the weekend.

Later that night I was involved in an incident outside a City nite club. Alcohol was involved and I may have slightly over-indulged. I’d like to apologize to the establishment and bouncers, who were only doing their job. I’d like to apologize to my team-mates, especially the one I head-butted and to his fiancé, whom I groped whilst saying “I’d buy that for a dollar!” and then head-butted. It was a lapse of judgement and I’m looking forward to moving on, starting with the big game on the weekend.

On the way home, in a cab, I simultaneously vomited in the CD player and soiled myself before flinging my excrement at the driver while repeatedly yelling; “Tell me how my ass tastes!” I’d like to apologise to the “Top of Town” Taxi Company, the driver and to Carly Simon, whose greatest hits was playing at the time and subsequently ruined by my surprisingly accurate projectile vomit. I’d also like to apologize to Sarah and James from Mildura, whom I shared the cab ride with. I’m disappointed that I have left myself down and am looking forward to redeeming myself, and the club, starting with the big game on the weekend.

Over the past year I have used cocaine approximately 1800 times – or every 20 minutes, for 6 straight hours, every Saturday night. I would like to apologize for the accompanying wild swings in my moods, my form, my weight and my haircuts. I’d also like to apologize for the subsequent album I released during this period, titled “Snake Eyes & Chicken Skin”. I’d like to further extend apologies for my sex tape, which was leaked, and specifically to those who watched it: I was unaware that the camera angle resulted in nothing but 45 minutes of the underside of my scrotum. Again, I am extremely disappointed and am trying to look forward to the big game on the weekend.

I should also mention that my experience with drugs is not limited to cocaine. I once ate 3 tabs of acid and imagined my arms were made of glass – Darren Glass. I talked to Darren for the next 8 hours and found him to be a desperate man. I’d like to apologize to Darren Glass and his family as well as Sanchez & Scooter, the Mexican musical duet I scored the acid from and then later hallucinated were singing Lego men. I’d also like apologize to Belinda and Richard Taylor, whose wedding this occurred at and for trying to put the “Lego men” on their wedding cake. I’m also sorry to Sanchez & Scooter for ‘ruining their buzz’. Again, I’m looking forward to putting this behind me and am concentrating on the big game coming up this weekend.

In 1996, at a party in Kew, I insisted that Victoria Falls bordered Zimbabwe and Mozambique, when they actually border Zimbabwe and Zambia. I’d like to apologize to the party-goers for any misinformation I may have inadvertently provided and thus future embarrassment I may have caused. I’d also like to apologize to the good people of The Republic of Zambia and hope I can put this all behind me, starting with the big game on the weekend.

Once, in year 11, I watched the entire fourth season of MASH at a friend’s house, during which time I did 18 bong hits. I then strenuously argued that BJ Hunnicutt was a much better character than Trapper John, whom he replaced, before eating all of my friend’s mother’s Cruskits. I’d like to apologize to my friend, his mother, Arnott’s and Wayne Rogers, whose portrayal of Trapper John was obviously the far superior role.

Finally, I’d like to apologize to Steve Martin, for ripping off his ‘A Public Apology’ piece which he wrote for The New Yorker. I look forward to putting this all behind me, starting with next week’s blog.