Things We Think We Know Now: Part IV

Note: I wasn’t quite feeling the Big V vs. Dream Team match during the week but I was always going to watch it. I tried to persuade Mrs Watson to do likewise but he claimed he couldn’t watch it for fear of Geelong players possibly getting injured. I therefore ended up watching it with my Dad, and as they showed footage of the players warming up in the rooms, something strange happened; I began to get the buzz. Here was Chris Judd handballing to Jon Brown, to Ryan O’Keefe, to Matty Scarlett, to Steve Johnson, to Adam Goodes… Cut to the Dream Team coming out of the race; Daniel Kerr, Buddy Franklin, Andrew McCleod, Pavlich, Richo, Adam Cooney… Holy shit, I thought, we have an all-star game here! I got genuinely excited for a minute there, my mind quickly rushing ahead, processing the possibilities, the match-ups, the speed, the skill… And, while all that stuff was there, it still seemed that it was missing something.

It definitely had its moments when it did transcend the cynicism surrounding such an event: There was Scarlett out-muscling Motlop and setting up a goal; Fevola attacking the packs and marking everything in sight; team-mates matching-up on each other; and pretty much every passage play that Jonathon Brown was involved in.

Yes, the rest was skilful, the ball was moved remarkably quickly, the umpires let a fair bit go (which was great) and the big forwards were firing, but… Well, that’s just where I fall down: I can’t quite put my finger on any one thing missing from the match itself. So, was it just me?

I think it says something of AFL fans that they essentially have no room for representative football, even if the players are super keen for it and the AFL do manage to get the best on the field at once. Perhaps the AFL have made their ‘bread & butter’ product so good, and have us so wrapped up in our teams’ fortunes that we can’t see past that. Mrs Watson is a prime example. All he was worried about was Cats players potentially missing games for the club. Although, I did receive a boozy text from him paraphrasing Ted Whitten’s famous, “stuck it right up ‘em” quote, albeit in slightly more colourful, and, mind you, anatomically correct, language, so who knows.


The Jennifer Love Hewitt “Still Frisky” Group

Brisbane
I can’t quite explain it, and I know they don’t have the record to be deserving of this spot, but I just like the look of the Lions. I reckon all the parts are there but they just haven’t quite pulled it together yet. They have a solid, man-sized ‘spine’ (Bradshaw, Brown, Patful, Merrett) and their running/midfield group is a good mix of experience (Black, Power, Travis Johnstone, Lappin) and youth (Sherman, Selwood, Roe, Rischitelli, Drummond). Add to this two good ruckmen (Charman and Luenburger), some x-factor utility players (Brennan, Notting, Hooper, Corrie, Copeland), an Irishman (Begley) a coach with the fattest moustache in the biz (Lethal Leigh), a good home field advantage with awesomely cheesy name (the GABBAtoir) and you’ve got yourself a legitimately frisky team and paragraph with so many brackets that its almost impossible to read. I also think they’ve had a fairly tough draw so far this season and should have a decent run of wins in the middle part of the year. In fact, this is the subject of another “Urban Burger” bet between Mrs Watson and me. I have backed Brisbane to be higher on the ladder than St Kilda in four weeks time. Crazy? Maybe. And, sure, I swore of the evils of gambling only last week, but Mrs Watson keeps baiting me, and who am I to turn him down? As Confucius once said, “a man is not a pot”. I’m not entirely sure about that statement’s relevance here, but that’s the beauty of vague Eastern mysticism and the lure of free hamburgers.

Improver: Tough to go past Daniel “Dallas” Bradshaw. He missed all of last year and has what, 30 goals through 7 matches?

Stinker: Um, Travis Johnstone? He’s been ok, and I don’t know how much people were really expecting of him… Alright, how about Nigel Lappin, he hasn’t even played this year! Can I say Luke Power is over-rated?


Collingwood
Again, you may think I’ve got these guys too high, but that’s because of the lack of blood that gets to my head these days due to the stroke I suffered during last season’s prelim against them. Sure, they haven’t looked great so far, but it’s still early and they have more big game experience than say the Bulldogs or Hawthorn, and I think they’ll have something to offer come September. Collingwood has always played as a ‘whole greater than the sum of its parts’, but let’s be honest, some of those parts have been fairly shit. And I point the finger squarely at Mick Malthouse and his silver horseshoe moustache. I think he’s lost it. I think Mick lost his mind several years ago and was secretly fired by the Pies, only he refused to believe it. Now, out of sympathy, Collingwood rigs up two coaching boxes for each game, one filled with the real coaching staff, and the one that Mick goes to, filled with look-a-likes who pretend to send his orders down to the field and then slip sedatives into his Powerade. Mrs Watson went so far as to suggest that Mick’s moustache is actually fake, and that one day he’s going to hold a press conference where he rips it off and announces that he’s fooled everyone; “I’ve been wearing a fake moustache for 15 years! Ha!” But regardless of who is really in charge down there, something is happening that is preventing their list from developing as all their "promising" players seem to plateau: Cloke, Pendulbury, Thomas Clarke, Dane ‘Centaur’ Swann, etc. And then look at the list of busts they’ve had who were all called “promising” at one time or another: Ryan Lonie, Chris Egan, The other Cloke Bros, Guy Richards, Richard Cole and Mark McGough. And then remember the difference between ‘promising’, ‘inconsistent’ and ‘de-listed’ is about 30 senior games.

Improver: It has been interesting to see Nathan Buckley become the best special comments man in football just 7 weeks into his career. He is insightful, articulate and consistently ahead of the play – as opposed to just watching a replay and describing what’s happening. Basically, he’s the Bizarro David Schwartz. Seriously, how that moron is drawing a Channel 7 pay-cheque is beyond me. Who makes these decisions? Sure, he’s an ex-player, but is that the only requirement to getting a commentary job? As an old drunk in Anglesea once told me, “Just ‘cos a man’s got a ring doesn’t mean he’s a circus”.

Stinker: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaale… Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale…


Adelaide
I must admit, I haven’t seen many Adelaide games this season (read: none), but there’s something suss about Neil Craig. He’s got those beady little eyes, that voice that makes it impossible to take him seriously and he takes training in playing shorts. Yep, there’s definitely something shifty about Neil, or Craig, or Neil. He’s got something up his sleeve, and for that, the Crows can not be discounted. They are 5-2 with the only losses being to the undefeated Bulldogs and Hawks; kinda snuck under the radar there, didn’t they? McCleod continues to defy his age and anger the Gods, Simon Goodwin is now taking bets in the forward line and, along with rookie Kurt Tippett, has given them an attacking option to go along with their general defensive mindset. However, despite Neil/Craig’s mind-bending, I just can’t shake the feeling that the Crows are a little creaky, especially away from AAMI stadium. I mean, their only away win this year was against Carlton; can you really see them winning more than two finals? The good (bad) news, however, is that the Crows play Carlton, Richmond and Essendon twice, almost guaranteeing a top 4 finish.

Improver: Jason Porplyzia. No jokes to make here. I just reckon he’s alright.

Stinker: Quick quiz: Name the player who took no. 18 at North Melbourne after W. Carey, and then took no. 2 at Adelaide after W. Carey? Answer: Brad Moran. I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes on a drug-fuelled, sexual-romp/bender this year. I will be surprised, however, if anyone cares.


Western Bulldogs
Now, I am aware that my continual references to Mrs Watson, and his continued lack of input, could somehow make it appear as though he doesn’t actually exist, or, possibly, that he exists, but only in my mind. And with anonymity provided by the internet, this could very well be the case. I could have been logging on as both authors, oblivious, and letting a split personality out through the creation of Mrs Watson. My Mrs Watson persona allowed me to say things that the normally reserved Captain wouldn’t dream of; calling players out, asking for fistings, making jokes about Robert Walls’ dead wife, and I would read on, half in horror, half in admiration, as this, unbeknownst to me, freed part of psyche, continued to produce venomous, malicious and increasingly outrageous blogs until one day I found myself on the top floor of an abandoned skyscraper with a pistol in my mouth and Helena Bonham Carter trying to save me and the world bank about to… Oh no, wait. That’s Fight Club. Here’s Mrs Watson.

Mrs Watson: Look... lets not get a stiffy over the Bulldogs just yet, ok! Sure they haven't "technically" lost a match this year, but let's face it, a draw against Richmond may as well be counted as such, and bending Melbourne over a picnic table hardly warrants a high 5, let alone Premiership consideration. They won't look any better this year than they do right now. Just you wait and see, Bulldog supporters, your decision not to buy a club membership was a wise one. Out.

Improver: Averaging 25 disposals (10 contested), almost 5 clearances, 4 inside 50s and with 11 goals from 7 matches, Adam Cooney finally seems deserving of his no. 1 draft spot, no?

Stinker: What has Daniel Giansiracusa ever done, other than appear in that awful, awful Peter Jackson suit ad (and inadvertently set-off the Justin Koschitzke downward spiral)? What a fucking mirage of a football player.


Coming Up: Only two teams remain…