Things We Think We Know Now: Part III
Just to recap, for those at the back, I’m rating all teams on what we’ve seen so far this year and putting them into groups with other teams of similar pedigree. Check previous posts for the “Charlie Sheen” and “Billy from Predator” groups.
The Peter Everitt Memorial “Just Good Enough to Lose With” Group
North Melbourne
I briefly toyed with naming this group the “North Melbourne Group”, because really, no-one personifies what I’m attempting to describe here better than the Roos: A team that’s good enough to beat the bad teams, lose against the good ones, scrape into the finals one week and be in Bali smashing glasses over their own heads the next. Every year the media predicts their downfall, and every year they counter with the “no respect” card. Can we all just agree they’re average and pencil them in at 8th every year? The problem is that they are attempting to play an attacking style to attract fans yet they don’t have the personnel to pull it off. Everything about them screams average, as summed up by their captain, Adam ‘Beige’ Simpson. The Roos need a personality injection, stat! Underbelly was seemingly filmed entirely in North Melbourne, how about some sort of tie-in with that? How about a buddy-cop TV show? Here’s my pitch…
Jeno Caruthers (Daniel Harris) is a hard-nosed organised crime detective. He’s a good cop whose biggest flaw is that he cares too damn much. He gave up on his dream to run chartered fishing tours out of the top end of Queensland after his little brother Travis got caught up with the wrong crowd and ended up catching a bullet. Now he’s on a quest for justice and vengeance, and not necessarily in that order.
Then there’s Chief McGinley (Dean Laidley) who’s one week away from retirement and a full pension and there’s no way in hell a loose cannon like Caruthers is going to jeopardize all that. McGinley’s plan is to keep Jeno riding a desk until his retirement.
Trouble starts when Jeno is assigned a new partner, young hotshot “A.C.” Woodley (Josh Gibson). A.C. is bold, brash and keen to hit the streets to make a real difference, regardless of proper procedure or Chief McGinley’s consequences.
Can Jeno avenge his younger brother? Can A.C. stay out of trouble? Can Chief McGinley keep them on a leash long enough to reach retirement? To find out tune in to Channel 7’s latest hit drama, Kangaroo Cops, following Sea Patrol…
Well, it’s either that or they recruit Alan Didak.
Improver: They look a bit better with Nathan Thompson back, who is averaging a shade under 3 goals a game. Again, not bad, not great, just about average.
Stinker: I’m gonna go with Shannon Watt, not based on any particular evidence from this season, but just because, generally, he’s rubbish.
St Kilda
As my particularly nasty blog a few weeks back pointed out, I take some pleasure in the failings of the Saints. And as I also pointed out, and at the risk of sounding like Malcolm Blight, I just don’t think they’re very good. Their so-called ‘gun’ players (Dal Santo, Riewoldt, Kosi, Ball) are all heavily over-rated and their bottom players, who somehow manage to get a game every week, (Fiora, the Clarke Bros, Blake, Gilbert, et all) are VFL players at best. And why they continue to re-animate the corpse of Michael Gardiner is beyond me; at best he’s an Anglesea reserves player. Still, I like watching Ross Lyon squirm as he continually gets questions comparing his team to Sydney, only, you know, a less successful one. Come clean, Ross, just admit you stole Sydney’s game-plan. You’ll feel better about yourself, trust me. Everyone wants the Walnut methodology back, especially Walnut himself, who is now in the media and leading the charge for his own reinstatement. No longer limited to sms-ing players to get them to turn on the coach, Grant now has a national media platform to spout his crackpot theories and inconsistent answers. Sure, the entire St Kilda board would have to be replaced, and Grant would have to drop the on-going legal action, but imagine if Grant Thomas came back to St Kilda. Imagine the inspiration he could give them by eating nothing but figs until they won 5 games in a row, or taking them to see “The Bucket List” instead of training. Imagine the downward spiral Ross Lyon would experience. His only recourse would be to join the media and immediately begin bagging his former club and it’s current coach. Seriously though, an AFL coach getting fired in favour of Grant Thomas is like your girlfriend dumping you to take back her cheating, alcoholic, broke, spouse-beating boyfriend, or worse, dating Stephen “Allegedly” Milne.
Improver: Luke Ball can walk again!
Stinker: Tie: Aaron Fiora has officially taken the mantle as ‘softest player in the AFL’ from, well, actually I think he always had it. On the other hand, it’s great to see Fraser Gehrig back and looking about as interested as someone just booked in for a 3 hour colonoscopy.
Sydney
After costing me consecutive meals at our local burger joint, I am finally given up the Swans and the evils of gambling. (And as Mrs Watson was wiping his mouth with his own sense of self-satisfaction he found time to remind me that at least they lost with a legal number of players on the field this week. Seriously, how does that shit happen? Darren Jolly should have been sitting on the bench, not handballing to set-up the game-tying score. Accident my ass. What is so hard about ‘one player on, one player off’? Paul Roos, you have set a new low in your never-ending search to be the perfect self-deflecting douchebag. Screw you. They should have given the points to North. This is even more despicable than the fact that Darren Jolly is gainfully employed as a professional athlete.) It appears the Swans have finally dropped off the pace, with injuries, old age and that ugly, ugly game-plan catching up with them. No-one is afraid of them anymore; they’re like the brain-damaged Rocky Balboa being challenged by Tommy Gunn in the atrocious Rocky 5. Still, they’ll cheat their way to enough wins to make the finals (and possibly cost me another burger) but don’t expect a legitimate premiership threat from Sydney in the current era again.
Improver: I quite like this Ed Barlow fellow.
Stinker: Considering Barry Hall is out for the next 2 months, and that Michael O’Loughlin holds his place despite totalling about 15 kicks over the past 3 seasons, Nick Davis must be doing something pretty wrong to get dropped. Couldn’t happen to a nicer bloke… Prick.
Coming Next: The Jennifer Love Hewitt “Still Frisky” Group
Just to recap, for those at the back, I’m rating all teams on what we’ve seen so far this year and putting them into groups with other teams of similar pedigree. Check previous posts for the “Charlie Sheen” and “Billy from Predator” groups.The Peter Everitt Memorial “Just Good Enough to Lose With” Group
North Melbourne
I briefly toyed with naming this group the “North Melbourne Group”, because really, no-one personifies what I’m attempting to describe here better than the Roos: A team that’s good enough to beat the bad teams, lose against the good ones, scrape into the finals one week and be in Bali smashing glasses over their own heads the next. Every year the media predicts their downfall, and every year they counter with the “no respect” card. Can we all just agree they’re average and pencil them in at 8th every year? The problem is that they are attempting to play an attacking style to attract fans yet they don’t have the personnel to pull it off. Everything about them screams average, as summed up by their captain, Adam ‘Beige’ Simpson. The Roos need a personality injection, stat! Underbelly was seemingly filmed entirely in North Melbourne, how about some sort of tie-in with that? How about a buddy-cop TV show? Here’s my pitch…
Jeno Caruthers (Daniel Harris) is a hard-nosed organised crime detective. He’s a good cop whose biggest flaw is that he cares too damn much. He gave up on his dream to run chartered fishing tours out of the top end of Queensland after his little brother Travis got caught up with the wrong crowd and ended up catching a bullet. Now he’s on a quest for justice and vengeance, and not necessarily in that order.
Then there’s Chief McGinley (Dean Laidley) who’s one week away from retirement and a full pension and there’s no way in hell a loose cannon like Caruthers is going to jeopardize all that. McGinley’s plan is to keep Jeno riding a desk until his retirement.
Trouble starts when Jeno is assigned a new partner, young hotshot “A.C.” Woodley (Josh Gibson). A.C. is bold, brash and keen to hit the streets to make a real difference, regardless of proper procedure or Chief McGinley’s consequences.
Can Jeno avenge his younger brother? Can A.C. stay out of trouble? Can Chief McGinley keep them on a leash long enough to reach retirement? To find out tune in to Channel 7’s latest hit drama, Kangaroo Cops, following Sea Patrol…
Well, it’s either that or they recruit Alan Didak.
Improver: They look a bit better with Nathan Thompson back, who is averaging a shade under 3 goals a game. Again, not bad, not great, just about average.
Stinker: I’m gonna go with Shannon Watt, not based on any particular evidence from this season, but just because, generally, he’s rubbish.
St Kilda
As my particularly nasty blog a few weeks back pointed out, I take some pleasure in the failings of the Saints. And as I also pointed out, and at the risk of sounding like Malcolm Blight, I just don’t think they’re very good. Their so-called ‘gun’ players (Dal Santo, Riewoldt, Kosi, Ball) are all heavily over-rated and their bottom players, who somehow manage to get a game every week, (Fiora, the Clarke Bros, Blake, Gilbert, et all) are VFL players at best. And why they continue to re-animate the corpse of Michael Gardiner is beyond me; at best he’s an Anglesea reserves player. Still, I like watching Ross Lyon squirm as he continually gets questions comparing his team to Sydney, only, you know, a less successful one. Come clean, Ross, just admit you stole Sydney’s game-plan. You’ll feel better about yourself, trust me. Everyone wants the Walnut methodology back, especially Walnut himself, who is now in the media and leading the charge for his own reinstatement. No longer limited to sms-ing players to get them to turn on the coach, Grant now has a national media platform to spout his crackpot theories and inconsistent answers. Sure, the entire St Kilda board would have to be replaced, and Grant would have to drop the on-going legal action, but imagine if Grant Thomas came back to St Kilda. Imagine the inspiration he could give them by eating nothing but figs until they won 5 games in a row, or taking them to see “The Bucket List” instead of training. Imagine the downward spiral Ross Lyon would experience. His only recourse would be to join the media and immediately begin bagging his former club and it’s current coach. Seriously though, an AFL coach getting fired in favour of Grant Thomas is like your girlfriend dumping you to take back her cheating, alcoholic, broke, spouse-beating boyfriend, or worse, dating Stephen “Allegedly” Milne.
Improver: Luke Ball can walk again!
Stinker: Tie: Aaron Fiora has officially taken the mantle as ‘softest player in the AFL’ from, well, actually I think he always had it. On the other hand, it’s great to see Fraser Gehrig back and looking about as interested as someone just booked in for a 3 hour colonoscopy.
Sydney
After costing me consecutive meals at our local burger joint, I am finally given up the Swans and the evils of gambling. (And as Mrs Watson was wiping his mouth with his own sense of self-satisfaction he found time to remind me that at least they lost with a legal number of players on the field this week. Seriously, how does that shit happen? Darren Jolly should have been sitting on the bench, not handballing to set-up the game-tying score. Accident my ass. What is so hard about ‘one player on, one player off’? Paul Roos, you have set a new low in your never-ending search to be the perfect self-deflecting douchebag. Screw you. They should have given the points to North. This is even more despicable than the fact that Darren Jolly is gainfully employed as a professional athlete.) It appears the Swans have finally dropped off the pace, with injuries, old age and that ugly, ugly game-plan catching up with them. No-one is afraid of them anymore; they’re like the brain-damaged Rocky Balboa being challenged by Tommy Gunn in the atrocious Rocky 5. Still, they’ll cheat their way to enough wins to make the finals (and possibly cost me another burger) but don’t expect a legitimate premiership threat from Sydney in the current era again.
Improver: I quite like this Ed Barlow fellow.
Stinker: Considering Barry Hall is out for the next 2 months, and that Michael O’Loughlin holds his place despite totalling about 15 kicks over the past 3 seasons, Nick Davis must be doing something pretty wrong to get dropped. Couldn’t happen to a nicer bloke… Prick.
Coming Next: The Jennifer Love Hewitt “Still Frisky” Group
posted by the captain at 8:12 pm
5 Comments:
Nick Dal Santo- who ever heard of a ginger Italian? or is it spanish? or someother european country that his name comes from? lets just call him some kinda of strawberry wog. i dont like it.
you are quite right about the cheating asshole that is Roos. Another stupid name aswell. Immthinking of changing my last name to Doggies.
Why are the swanns such an ugly pack of gunts? yes, i meant gunts. im not rude.
Geelong are so handsome and dreamy it makes me very excited to see them run around getting all hot and sweaty.
penis,penis,i love penis
Graham B
Getting better by the post Captain! Always love reading your views on the Saints, and on everything else really.
I must say that as someone who considered Grant Thomas to be one of the worst coaches of all time to do nothing with a great list, I'm now convinced that either Ross Lyon is even worse, or St. Kilda's list just isn't that good.
Beyond guys Dal Santo, Ball and Riewoldt, they've got crap like Raph Clarke, who is almost as skilful as Mark Blake. Almost.
Is anyone sick of hearing about the almighty fucking Hawks. Have they: beaten anybody of any stature?
played anyone with a forward line?
or a backline for that matter?
won a flag?
played in a grand final?
made the top four?
contributed half the All Australian team? Don't get me wrong, I love watching them play and wish them all the best, but are they arch nemisis of the Cats? The AFL aire apparent? Not yet they aint! It's perfectly ok to have a "not yet" year or 2 before the playing group tastes the ultimate. Essendon did in '83, West coast in '91 and in 2005 Eseendon in '99 and who could forget The Cats of 2004 and 2006. At least the Hawks are laden with genuine measurable raw talent and probably won't go down in history as a "never ever" group like the gutless Saints!
But I am looking forward to seeing how young Buddy "Carey, Ablett and Locket hybrid" Franklin fares against the best full back in the competition and his able assistant "Dasher".
It's great to see that the Captain's work rate has lifted somewhat in the last month, and he is in peak form. Keep up the good work!
In other breaking news, aparently Graham B loves penis.
...Fustercluck...
fustercluck, I hope your not getting upset just because the Hawks are getting more attention than the Cats.
I think if anything, the attention the Hawks have been getting is taking away from the fact that Geelong isn't playing anywhere near the football that made them a force last year (not that there is cause for concern: the players and coach have acknowledged this, we're still winning and playing some kids)
I also seem to remember when Geelong were about 4-3 last year (having beaten only Melbourne, Richmond, Carlton and West Coast), having beaten absolutely no one with the exception of West Coast, being all the talk and touted as premiership favourites (which I thought was a joke). In comprison, I think all the talk surrounding Hawthorn is warranted.
-Tee from Perth
ps Subiaco Oval sucks
Tee, I agree that I may have been overly vicious towards the Hawks, but I believe a fair proportion of the wind in the Hawthorn sails has been blown there by the media. I agree that the Cats of 2007 also had the same weight of expectation placed on them, the 2006 group had Dean Laidley calling them premiers after beating the Roos in round 3 or 4, and didn't that just turn out to be a shitstorm! I hated it when my beloved Cats were an over-rated bunch in the past, because for the most part it ended in tears. If I wanted to believe fairy tales and everything I read about my club, I'd be a Collingwood supporter! I do however, agree with you that the Hawks are a genuine contender, just not the champ yet. Roll on round 17!
...Fustercluck...
from the the Yarra Ranges
Post a Comment
<< Home