Things We Think We Know Now: Part Two

Note: Before we pick up where we left off, let me just say that Pavlich’s kick looked good all the way, and there a several Roswell-style missing seconds from the end of match, but the Cats are 6-0 and 2-0 interstate, so let’s be happy with that. However, they’re currently getting away with playing 1 and a half good quarters and still winning games, which I think is a good sign, but Mrs W thinks otherwise. I’ll expand on this in the coming weeks, but as I said, 6-0…

The ‘Billy’ from Predator, False Hope Group

Essendon
Windy Hill was a turbulent place in the off-season, with more tears spilled over Sheedy’s departure than the death of Bambi’s mum. Then, the bombers won their first game of the year, everyone took a big gulp of the Matthew Knights Powerade and suddenly people were clawing over one another to get a seat on the bandwagon. Well, that same wagon is now on its roof, burning and skidding towards the edge of a cliff: Ladies and Gentleman, your 2008 Essendon Bombers! (And seeing as though I just mentioned it, I’m surprised no-one has ever brought up the whole ‘The Bombers is an insensitive name’ thing and given it a decent whinge in the media citing several irrelevant, ‘political correctness’ arguments… Wait, forget I said anything before I inadvertently write Greg Baum’s next column and we get stuck with the 2010 Essendon Desert Spoons or something. Back to the column…) Knight’s has implemented what he calls an ‘attacking game plan’, in which his main objective appears to be trying to get a record amount of goals kicked on Mal Michael. Now, he may have the most unrecognisable midfield in the history of the game and I’m pretty sure he thinks Adam McPhee is Nick Riewoldt, but still, Knighter, some accountability, please! I’m pretty sure at one point on the weekend Dale Thomas had a booth set-up on the half forward flank and was selling Anzac Day badges. Oh, and did I mention they’re soft as shite? This is gonna get worse before it gets better, Essendon fans.

Improver: Bachar Houli. Uses the ball well, seems a promising player and you gotta love anyone named “basher”, although from all reports that name should go to his team mate Andrew Lovett, with the pre-fix “wife” firmly attached. It will be interesting to see how Houli goes during the religious observance of Ramadan, when Muslims are obliged to fast between sunrise and sunset. This is not to be confused with the observance of Ramanouskas, in which clubs are obliged to stick with an over-the-hill player due to personal sentiment. (See also Lonergan, Tom.)

Stinker: There’s bad draft picks, and there’s bad draft picks. And then there’s Courtney Johns.


Port Adelaide
Quick question: At what point does a 20-goal Grand Final hiding become an over-achievement? During said humiliating Grand Final defeat, The Cats inflicted some, what Ricky Ponting might have called, ‘mental scars’. This season was always going to be about how they dealt with those scars. It would either; a) motivate them to return fit, focused and another inspiring word starting with F, or; b) lead to a complete collapse and lack of confidence that would ultimately ruin their 2008 season. Firmly entrenched in the “b” camp, Port has proven to be what Shane Warne might have called, “poofs”. (And while we’re here, even though it was good to see Warney still in top form [3/18, I believe] I just can’t get it up for the IPL. Now I like seeing Symonds smash people around as much as anyone, but if the players don’t give a shit, then I certainly can’t. And I’m starting to think that Gilchrist’s retirement was influenced by the arrival of this league. Think about it; here’s a guy who is acutely aware of his public persona and his legacy, who gets to kill two birds with one stone in terms of going out on top and making a shit load of Indian dollars all while never be able to be accused of chasing money or abandoning his country. Hats off, Gilly, hats off.)

Improver: I guess this one reaches back in to 2007 as well, but David Rodan has become perhaps their most consistent player not spawned by Graeme Cornes. Richmond fans, commence the banging of heads against walls.

Stinker: Let’s go with NAB rising star winner Danyle Pearce and ask a question frequently posed by Mrs Watson: What, exactly, has he done? Um, made David Rodan look good?


Carlton
There’s something inherently ham-fisted about the current Carlton line-up. Even when they’re up and going, like when they beat Collingwood a few of weeks ago, it looks like its all on the verge of falling apart. It’s like watching Britney Spears these days; you squint and you can just make out the smoky, school-uniform clad vixen she used to be, and then you blink, and she’s bald, running over photographers and smoking crack through her baby’s milk bottle. Sure they have had an excellent recruiting class coming in to this season, but for every Chris Judd there’s a Cain Ackland. And that’s the way it’s going to go for the Blues this season, up and down. But there is hope. There is a future in place. And once Brett Ratten figures out how to coach, and Judd comes good, and Kruezer develops, and they lose the Irish idiots, and Stevens loses the gut… Well, they might win around 6 games.

Improver: Outside the obvious additions, I like the Richard Hadley addition, if only for the possibility of the resurrection of the “Hadley’s a wanker” chant.

Stinker: Andrew Carrazzo. Worst ‘Best & Fairest’ winner since Scott Wynd won the Brownlow (and the Bulldogs have had a few stinkers; Wynd, Libba, Brad Hardie, hell, didn’t Chris Grant miss one because of a dodgy suspension? Sheesh, what the Hell is up with all these shithouse Bulldog Brownlows?)


Part Three coming soon (At this point I have know idea how many parts there'll be).