Things We Think We Know Now: Part One

After the first five games of any season you reach a certain benchmark. New players have made an impression, old ones have confirmed they’re slipping, bookies finally have a handle on the form and Michael Gardiner fills out his annual workcover form. So as the teams begin to separate themselves, let’s take a look at where we are at right now, working our way from the bottom up. And as this bastard is likely to blow out to 5000+ words, I’ll break it up into easy to digest parts, just like they’re doing for Brent Staker at the moment.


The Charlie Sheen memorial “Cue Officially Back in the Rack” Group

Melbourne
Although Mrs Watson and I knew The Dees would be rubbish this year, I don’t think anyone could have foreseen they would be this bad, although, some actually thought they’d be better. Yes, Caroline Wilson cemented her AFL credentials by predicting they’d finish fifth this year. That’s right, fifth. She thought there were only 4 better teams than Melbourne. The top four and then Melbourne next in line. Well, I’m sorry, but that is just shit. That’s all I can say. Pure shit. Utter poo. Crapola. Dump city. Deuce central. The Age should have printed an apology. And then fired her. And then gathered all the wasted paper she has used on Richmond articles over the years and used it to build Melbourne a decent training facility. Seriously, that is more ridiculous than Melbourne fans celebrating losing to Geelong because it was by less than 100 points. I would like to hear her explanation, her rationale, her raison d'être for this ludicrous prediction. Try and make me see, Caro, how a team that finished 14th last season, who has a new coach, who traded their best midfielder, who had three players arrested in the off-season and was bringing back their creaky 45 year old captain was going to improve that much? How does that make sense? I think its best we move on before I burst a blood vessel.

Improver: Cale Morton, the rookie, looks really good; composed, skilful and a good decision maker. Although he is as skinny as the Olsen twins.

Stinker: Take your pick here, but I’m going with Jeff White. Supposed to be a leader as a senior player but has been absolute rubbish. Russell Robertson, consider yourself lucky.

Richmond
Ahh, the Tiges. How it wouldn’t be an AFL season without your pitiful hope. And how it wouldn’t be Round 5 unless that hope was cruelly, but predictably crushed. The Tigers choked away a win beautifully against the Bulldogs on the weekend, giving up 3 goals in the last 2 minutes after Richo started the “let’s slow things down” play about 6 minutes too early. Seriously, the only way for Richmond will ever improve is to get rid of Richo. You watch, as soon as he retires the Tigers will start to turn it around. They didn’t win in Fremantle because of his great game on the wing; they won because he wasn’t in the goal square missing easy set shots and crawling up the ass of his midfield. And as for Terry Terrific, don’t get me started: The man starts more fires than an abused step-child in a daytime movie (bit of a stretch?); look, an umpiring mistake there! A fake injury here! I’ll never coach another club again! Well, that last statement could be true sooner rather than later, as in the coming weeks the Tiges face Hawthorn, and then St.Kilda, Geelong, Essendon, Sydney and Adelaide. Hmm, 2 wins, a draw and 8 losses sounds about right, doesn’t it?

Improver: Well, technically he hasn’t really improved, but Mitch Morton has been an excellent addition, and with that gentleman’s perm he’s got, a blond moustache would be another excellent addition.

Stinker: Brett Deledio. Doesn’t do enough. Has been an up & comer for too long. Awful, awful hair.

Fremantle
It’s bad enough their uniforms are made from Captain Planet off-cuts (thank you Odey) but losing to Richmond? At home? Mark Harvey should be sacked for that alone, not to mention the continued trend of recruiting his washed up ex-team-mates: Mark Johnson, Dean Solomon, Kepler Freakin’ Bradley!?! They now have more shit Essendon players than Essendon does. Not to mention the over-the-hill Carr bros, the over-rated Chris Tarrant, the over-weight Des Headland and the just plain over-it Peter Bell. Although something tells me Mark Harvey is deliberately giving them second and third chances; if he’s serious about it, they’ll all be gone next season, along with that hideous theme song. And while we’re on the subject, and since I have nothing left to add, here’s a list of songs I never need to hear again: Jack & Diane, Hey Mickey, The Time Warp and everything ever recorded, or to be recorded, by Madonna.

Improver: Every time they swing Luke McPharlin forward, in their last, desperate attempt to get some respectability on the scoreboard, he ends up taking grabs and kicking goals. Here’s a thought, Harvs, how about you give him a decent run up front? I’d love to see Mark Harvey on Mastermind, or one of those other quiz shows:

“Mark Harvey, your time starts now: What is the capital of Zaire?”

“……”

“Who won the Pulitzer prize in 2002?”

“……”

“Who will you play at full-forward this week?”

Stinker: Ugh. I don’t want to get into it again. Choose someone already mentioned above and insert joke here about the difficulty said player encounters trying to get clearances with a giant fork sticking out of his back.

West Coast
I must admit, I thought the Eagles would be alright this year. I figured Cousins hardly played last year anyway, Judd was running around on his wafer thin groin and they’d be better off without the distractions. (Plus, they de-listed Daniel ‘Pinky’ Chick, which is a positive any way you look at it.) But it seems to be falling apart fairly quickly over there. They’ve had their fair share of injuries (at this point Ash Hansen must have seen more Doctors than East Timor’s President.) but more importantly they’ve lost all confidence and moral. Can you imagine Tom Harley getting smoked like Brent Staker did and not one Cats player charging in? That’s a fairly piss weak act, or lack thereof, by Staker’s team-mates. Tough guy wannabe Adam Hunter pretended to remonstrate, but they only one I’ll give kudos to is Beau Waters, who found Hall at quarter-time and got a blood lip for his troubles. (Incidentally, Waters was robbed of the Norm Smith medal in the 2006 GF).

Improver: Beau Waters. Did I mention he should have had a Norm Smith medal by now?

Stinker: Chad Fletcher was supposed to step into the void created by Judd and Cousins’ departures and keep the West Coast midfield afloat. Instead he’s on the verge of playing WAFL two’s. In his defence, when he ‘flat-lined’ in Vegas, he may have brought the spirit of Phil Narkle back with him.

Part Two coming, well, probably next week.