Footy Irrelevant, or, Assholes Classified


With AFL coverage reaching saturation point, you’d think genuine football fans might be able to find some interesting coverage, some fresh points of view or some genuine insight into what makes our game tick. And so it was that I tuned in to Channel 9’s Footy Classified, hoping for an insightful and intelligent analysis of the week’s games.

It’s not an unprecedented TV format, with Talking Footy being the original Monday night discussion of the weekend’s events. Featuring an in-form Bruce McAvaney as host and Mike ‘what-do-you-think’ Sheanan, it’s relaxed, informal approach made for an interesting counterpoint to the more straight forward match-review style Sunday morning shows that had been running since Lou Richards was coherent. It also brought together, for the first time, print journalists and ex-players and coaches, often leading to various incarnations of the inevitable, defence mechanism argument, “you never played the game”. It had a few other things going for it as well, including a catchy theme song, a period with Blighty as a panellist and a distinct lack of Robert Walls. Well, that is until it dropped the song, moved to Foxtel, changed its name to On the Couch and anchored the show with Robert Walls.

Note: Speaking of theme songs, does anyone remember the Channel 7 footy panel show whose theme song was made up entirely of football clichés in acronym form? The singer awkwardly got through the acronym and then a chorus of back-up singers would expand it to its full form. I know, it was as ridiculous as it sounds. For example: We’ll get BTB (back-to-basics), TLTB (Thank you linesman, thank you ball-boys), have an RHG (Red Hot Go)… Please tell me someone else remembers this song.

I had such high hopes for Footy Classified and I have watched from episode one. It was an interesting mix of personalities; host, fence-sitter and Nick Riewoldt cheer-leader Garry Lyon; news-breaker and annoying ferret Craig Hutchinson; one W. Carey, making his first real foray into television after a career as an all-time great on-field and all-time prick off it; and Caroline Wilson, she of the invented “sources”, or, “thourthes”.

I thought perhaps the high-brow title, coupled with the “adult” time slot, would ensure the show remained truly about football and not descend into the locker-room insult and dick-joke territory frequently mined by the other Channel 9 Footy Show (although that has its place as well, yours truly being guilty of plenty of cheap shots before). And in its early episodes it looked encouraging. Garry discussed tactics and hung shit on Hutchy; Hutchy broke news and sucked up to Wayne; Wayne took the “you didn’t play the game” argument to new levels in directing regular vitriol at Caro; and Caro, well…

The reason I started watching Footy Classified was that I was hoping it would help me understand the game, that it could help explain why the Cats can belt everyone except Collingwood, or that it would clear up Hawthorn’s zone defence tactics, or point out how Daniel Cross has quietly become so good that the Dogs don’t miss Scott West at all. But what do I get instead? We get lead stories about club presidents, about teams selling games interstate, about the fixture, about the interchange, about resigning board members or new board members or proposed new board members; basically everything but the game. I mean, who gives a shit about board members, seriously? It’s like a music writer reviewing the new Flaming Lips album by discussing Warner Bros, their record label. Yes, but what about the music, the fucking music!!! Complete and utter madness. And I don’t want to point the finger, but most of this is generated from The Age’s chief football writer, Caroline Wilson.

Just have a look at her last month of articles for The Age: Canberra’s lack of AFL games, Dick Pratt, a potential Twilight GF, the Gold Coast team, the West Sydney team, Jeff Kennett’s presidency and a thrilling story about Andrew Demetriou not attending a fucking Scotch College match. On Footy Classified she’s exactly the same; there are currently three teams playing out of their skin, having lost 5 games between them, and what is she banging on about? Greg fucking Miller stepping down from the Richmond board but remaining in the football operations department! Oh, wait, that’s right, did I mention that she’s a Richmond supporter, meaning half the show is exclusively devoted to Joel Bowden, Kayne Pettifer and 150 other faceless people who work in the RFC administration. And guess who tonight’s guest is? Terry terrific! What a surprise, Mr Media turns up to field lolly-pops (“Personally, I hope you stay the club for a few more years, and I’m not a critic of your coaching”) from his chief football writer (CFW) girlfriend. And they kicked Sam Newman off TV?!?

(Seriously, how slimy is Terry Wallace? The guy gets hired on his “5-year game-plan”, in which he intends to turn the list over and develop a batch of young players for the long-term. So what does he do? He signs Mark Graham, Kent Kingsley, Graham Polak, trades pick 19 for Jordan McMahon and finally gives Richo a try a bit further up the ground in year 4. Asked on the show how he thinks he’s gone, here is his actual response: Well, if you could take out one year completely… What, you’d have 2 and half shit years instead of 3 and a half? Weren’t you supposed to be competing for a premiership, Terry? If we’re just making shit up why stop there? Why don’t we take out one whole year and in its place put in a season where you don’t spend 3 days a week in a solarium? Jesus Christ, the guy is full of more shit than a McDonalds ad.)

Footy Classified has been reduced to Caro and Hutchy, two of TV’s most unlikeable characters since Mad About You was on the air, trying to out do each other with irrelevant rubbish, while Garry pretends to be interested and Archer pretends to be awake (do they even turn his microphone on anymore? I miss The Duck). On Saturday I saw the best demolition job by an AFL team since, well, The Cats belted Richmond in Round 6 last year. On Monday I stayed up to watch ‘the serious’ Footy Show and heard about the changes to Carlton’s board, Anthony Rocca’s ankle, Jeff Kennett talking about North Melbourne’s injury procedures and more lies from Terry Terrific. Not one word about the Cats except a 5 second montage that featured Lips scratching himself and eating a sandwich. And before you all start, I know I haven’t said anything the Cats either, but at least you didn’t have to sit through an hour of SeaPatrol for this.