Round 4: Flying Solo
Unfortunately Mrs Watson has been called away on urgent business this week, so I’ll be doing this one Harrison Ford-style, solo! (Sorry, I’m tired and couldn’t come up with a gag related to AFL and/or any film post-1988. Not exactly flying out of the blocks here, but I digress…)
Brisbane v Collingwood
So, at this point of the season Michael Voss is out-coaching Mick Malthouse? That what’s been happening? Are we sure? Collingwood really only seem to have one gear, like one of those guys who nails four pots in the first hour at the pub and spends the rest of the night alternatively throwing up and self-loathing. Actually, they are a bit dysfunctional, Collingwood, aren’t they? It’s like Mick is a hard-ass single parent with 22 sons on parole, asking him for money and loafing around the house: You can tell they need guidance, only Mick’s strict, disciplinarian approach, not to mention his alcohol-fuelled temper, is pushing the kids further and further away when what they really need now is a hug. Why won’t you hug your own children, Mick? WHY? Um… Brisbane.
Sydney v Carlton
The Blues were getting too much press for beating no-one and Sydney beat Hawthorn in between two losses… Hmm… Gotta think this one through, Captain… Could a Swan beat-up a Blue? What is a Blue? A Winfield blue? (If cigarette companies were still allowed to advertise I would have just made Richard Pratt another million dollars right there.) Sydney.
Hawthorn v Port Adelaide
I’m sticking with the Hawks here, and since I have nothing to add, I realise that I forgot the new weekly segment, ‘euphemism for taking a dump’ last week, so I’ll attempt to give you two this week, the first of which is, “dominating the back-half”.
StKilda v Fremantle
In a perfect world, Mark Harvey and Terry Wallace would be forced to exchange faces and fight to the death, just like Nicholas Cage and John Travolta in ‘Face Off’.
Adelaide v Geelong
I like the Cats slowish start to the season: They look a little bit underdone, they’ve got a few injuries, they’ve had some close games, but they’re still winning. Perfect. You don’t want to be flying right now, like StKilda, who will crash about Round 16. The Cats will again do just enough to take the candy. And while we’re here, as a few of you have said, yes Byrnes will probably stay in after a decent game. Yablett has been great, Chapman looks switched on, I’ve liked Trav Varcoe’s work, I reckon Hawkins and The Flying Wojcinski are showing some signs. Plenty of improvement left in the backline too. Good times.
West Coast v Bulldogs
Speaking of peaking too early, Bulldogs.
North Melbourne v Essendon
Who will win? North. This week’s second euphemism? “De-listing Richard Tambling”.
Richmond v Melbourne
I had originally planned another rant about Terry Wallace but we’ve been doing that for four years. So instead I’ll just point out that Richmond has played finals twice since 1983… That’s twice in 26 years… Not even winning a final, just making it… In a league where half the teams play finals… I mean, for Christ’s sake, last year a man gave birth and the Tigers can't finish above half of the league? Yes, fire Terry Walace already. Sheesh!
Captain: Bris, Syd, Haw, StK, Geel, NM, Melb, WB
Season Tally: 18-6
Mrs Watson: Bris, Carl, Haw, StK, Geel, Ess, Rich, WB
Season Tally: 13-11
Julia Gillard has not published her tips yet. Typical.
Season Tally: 17-7
Unfortunately Mrs Watson has been called away on urgent business this week, so I’ll be doing this one Harrison Ford-style, solo! (Sorry, I’m tired and couldn’t come up with a gag related to AFL and/or any film post-1988. Not exactly flying out of the blocks here, but I digress…)Brisbane v Collingwood
So, at this point of the season Michael Voss is out-coaching Mick Malthouse? That what’s been happening? Are we sure? Collingwood really only seem to have one gear, like one of those guys who nails four pots in the first hour at the pub and spends the rest of the night alternatively throwing up and self-loathing. Actually, they are a bit dysfunctional, Collingwood, aren’t they? It’s like Mick is a hard-ass single parent with 22 sons on parole, asking him for money and loafing around the house: You can tell they need guidance, only Mick’s strict, disciplinarian approach, not to mention his alcohol-fuelled temper, is pushing the kids further and further away when what they really need now is a hug. Why won’t you hug your own children, Mick? WHY? Um… Brisbane.
Sydney v Carlton
The Blues were getting too much press for beating no-one and Sydney beat Hawthorn in between two losses… Hmm… Gotta think this one through, Captain… Could a Swan beat-up a Blue? What is a Blue? A Winfield blue? (If cigarette companies were still allowed to advertise I would have just made Richard Pratt another million dollars right there.) Sydney.
Hawthorn v Port Adelaide
I’m sticking with the Hawks here, and since I have nothing to add, I realise that I forgot the new weekly segment, ‘euphemism for taking a dump’ last week, so I’ll attempt to give you two this week, the first of which is, “dominating the back-half”.
StKilda v Fremantle
In a perfect world, Mark Harvey and Terry Wallace would be forced to exchange faces and fight to the death, just like Nicholas Cage and John Travolta in ‘Face Off’.
Adelaide v Geelong
I like the Cats slowish start to the season: They look a little bit underdone, they’ve got a few injuries, they’ve had some close games, but they’re still winning. Perfect. You don’t want to be flying right now, like StKilda, who will crash about Round 16. The Cats will again do just enough to take the candy. And while we’re here, as a few of you have said, yes Byrnes will probably stay in after a decent game. Yablett has been great, Chapman looks switched on, I’ve liked Trav Varcoe’s work, I reckon Hawkins and The Flying Wojcinski are showing some signs. Plenty of improvement left in the backline too. Good times.
West Coast v Bulldogs
Speaking of peaking too early, Bulldogs.
North Melbourne v Essendon
Who will win? North. This week’s second euphemism? “De-listing Richard Tambling”.
Richmond v Melbourne
I had originally planned another rant about Terry Wallace but we’ve been doing that for four years. So instead I’ll just point out that Richmond has played finals twice since 1983… That’s twice in 26 years… Not even winning a final, just making it… In a league where half the teams play finals… I mean, for Christ’s sake, last year a man gave birth and the Tigers can't finish above half of the league? Yes, fire Terry Walace already. Sheesh!
Captain: Bris, Syd, Haw, StK, Geel, NM, Melb, WB
Season Tally: 18-6
Mrs Watson: Bris, Carl, Haw, StK, Geel, Ess, Rich, WB
Season Tally: 13-11
Julia Gillard has not published her tips yet. Typical.
Season Tally: 17-7
posted by the captain at 10:13 pm
16 Comments:
Delisting Richard Tambling... champagne comedy!
-Tee from Vancouver
A titless woman who's taken testosterone tablets gives birth and they call it a miracle. what the fuck? Rosie O'Donnell got any kids?
i like your optimism re the slow start..very true. its like a steam engine pulling out of the station. hangon, maybe i just created another euphamism.
anyway..GO CATS!
ODeyone
Why not just use "coaching Richmond" as the euphemism for anything that's shit, verb included?
Montreal? I'll post 'live from Egypt' later this week!
Terry Wallace and Gary Ayres would have to be co-captains on the 'Rancid Coach All-stars' I'd reckon!
In terms of euphemisms, keeping it pretty simple, 'Taking a Terry/Wallace'.
Seeing Richmond as inept as ever and seeing the Hawks is making me rock hard! It's probably more of a turn on than brushing up against Jennifer Hawkins on Oaks Day.
Very well said Jacko.
I'm not sure which I enjoyed more, watching the Cats win or Whorethorn lose.
-Tee from Vancouver
Re: Tee "Watching the Cats win" - how the fuck did you do that from Vancouver?
In Perth, we had the abysmal Freo live on Pay and free-to-air TV, as well as both footy radio stations.
Cats fans got nothin!
As far as the local media is concerned there is only two teams in the (WA)AFL - the Wet Toast Seagulls or the Freo Shockers!
It sucks supporting an interstate team from Perth!
- Basso Divor
Basso: I download the games using torrents. Usually they go up within 24 hours of the game. Its easier to avoid the scores from over here.
It sucks SO much when the same game is on free-to-air and subscription television. It usually affects Cats games once or twice a year.
We ended up discovering that there were a few pubs around the place that had a satelite link up to interstate television. I'm not sure how legal it is but the Perth Cats supporters group headed down to the Inglewood Hotel in Inglewood for the matches when this happened. Its a pretty good pub for watching games.
People complain about the lack of anything football except Eagles and Dockers but realistically, the media gives what the people want. As the supporter of an interstate club it was frustrating but I learned to accept that that was how it was.
As annoying as it sometimes is to support a club from interstate, there are a couple of upsides.
1. Being part of the Perth Cats supporters club. Its a great bunch of friendly people. A heap of us met up at the Grand Final last year but the Hyde Park Hotel (home of the Perth Cats) was probably the best place I could imagine watching the 2007 Grand Final (except of course for being there at the MCG or at Skilled). It was great to experience such a great day with other Perth Catters, we had been through so much over the years together e.g. Nick fucking Davis (ps Captain if you can be fucked reading this, any comment on following in the shoes of Benny G or Sav? Who is he trying to fool).
2. Obviously this year excepted, every year I head over to Melbourne once or twice to see the Cats play at Skilled or the G (haven't seen them at Docklands (note I didn't mention Abu Dabi Stadium - the AFL told me not to) and the atmosphere is never as good as going to Subiaco. Subiaco is a caveman stadium yes, but the fact that supporters in Perth get to see the Cats once (sometimes twice) a year, they make a much bigger deal of it and really get into it. The Cats supporters are always louder than the Dockers or Eagles supporters who see them 11 times per year (its a similar reason why Cats supporters in Melbourne don't go as nuts at Skilled or the G). Also, heading to the pre-game function with other Cats fans and all travelling on the shuttle buses from the function to Subiaco with everyone singing `We are Geelong' it really gets you pumped for the game.
3. It was such a great feeling wearing a Geelong premiership jumper when being in the minority in Perth. It felt more like MY teams premiership. I know people will always be stoked when their team wins a premiership but West Coast fans in 2006 would have had a different feeling, its difficult to describe.
When I move back to Australia (whenever that is) I am going to live in Melbourne but I know that I will miss the fact that I supported a team from interstate.
*end rant*
-Tee from Vancouver
PS Basso, let me know if you want a hand with downloading games
I enjoyed that the "Hoax" had a bit of a stumble on the weekend and got a little bit cleaned up by Port Adelaide. Fuck them...no on second thoughts have Stephen Milne fuck them, without consent.
To borrow a phrase from CJ from Montreal, the mighty Hawks sure are "coaching Richmond" at the moment.
Would have loved to have been at AAMI Saturday night to see the Cats play like they did and then hear the roar of 10,000 VB Commodores leaving the car park halfway through the last quarter. To Adelaide's credit, they did make us work hard for the win, most teams are unable to do that.
And Freo?, watching Freo is akin to removing your own pancreas using only a handfull of Tabasco sauce and a drinking straw.
...fustercluck...
Check this out:
http://www.geelongadvertiser.com.au/article/2009/04/22/64751_gfc.html
Pies fans rejoice, you have finally brought your footy club down to your level. As it turns out, youse was gettin' robbed all along by the men in white.
Congratulations on solving the mystery of why you have only won 1 flag in 50 years. And here I was thinking your $5 midfielders or your shit, over-rated and half broken forwards were to blame.
Fuck, I realy buggered up there.
I guess when I see Selwo get a free, I wrongly assumed that it was the age old rule of being first to or hardest at the ball that still applied in regards to how the frees were likely to be distributed on game day.
I do hope young Joel on the eve of his 50th game has the presence of mind and the courage to change his lazy ways and stop falling over and acting wounded, every time he cruises by a Maclaren, McBurney or a Vozzo.
He's 20 now and in his 3rd season.
He should be following the lead of innovative AFL stars that gather easy ball on the periphery of a contest such as Tarkyn Lockyer or Ben Johnson. No chance of tripping over when you are travelling out that wide.
Seriously now.
Collingwood Football Club and your toothless, dole bludging, car stereo stealing, wife beating (incidentally are Adelaide going to trade Bock at the end of the year? Captaincy vacancy at the Pies methinks), illiterate, inbred supporters:
Congratulations you've won my inaugural
SITS DOWN to PISS Award.
It's like the Army Award but tailored to the weak of mind and body.
Phew....now I feel better.
...fustercluck...
(LIVE FROM EGYPT) Seriously, there are more Russians here in Sharm than Stalin killed during his regime, I'm a 7.4 on the totally-didn't-expect-it scale! Needless to say, there are plenty of ridiculously hot chicks in the arms of dead-beat blokes, and sadly - for me - I'm not one of them, read into that what you will. Sharm El Sheik is like Melbourne a few years back, overachieving, not a lot of class, funny in execution & wildly entertaining.
If The Captain is a soul contributor again, perhaps we'll be drawingcomparisons with the comrade to Brent Prismall....
I blame my shitty spelling on my iPhone, everything can be linked to the evil apple empire
fusterclick: well said. I was almost going to call SEN from Vancouver to pretty much say what you just said. In fact maybe I'll call up and just read out your post.
-Tee from Vancouver
Hey Fustercluck, I forwarded your comment on Collingwood sooking off to the umpires about Selwo to our token office Magpie supporter and he fired back with this:
"rhetorically speaking, like the evidently biggoted, slanderous and uneccessarily malicious deluded malcontent below who I reckon thinks, quite contradictatorily, that one flag and one appalling loss in the jaws of victory and conceit a la 2008 make it rightful to grandise that 'other interstate team' from the swamps of the bellarine peninsula...sit down and take a piss with me sometime...just give me time to borrow a handbag so we can compare what's in yours!"
Sensitive bunch aren't they? I reckon people shouldn't start a fight they're not prepared to finish.
- Basso Divor
Basso, that snooty little.....you never told me that the Mayor of Moe works in your office.
Fascinating. Ask him how many Pies players would get a game for Geelong? Answer: Fucking none. Then ask how many Cats players would get a game for the Pies? Answer: Fucking heaps, even if that drongo Joffa was chairman of selectors.
Then ask him, (you didn't mention his name, lets call him Charlotte) ask Charlotte if his handbag is Versace and contains the keys to a turqouise Barina. My bag is a hessian sack and it contains a cement block.
Basso, if you go for a slash in a cubicle today at the office, be sure to put down the seat for your co-workers.
...fustercluck...
TOU-FUCKING-CHE!
fuster, you are my hero, have you got a sister that I can breed with?
-Tee from Vancouver
Fuster - the response:
"thanks...much appreciated...it's kinda sad though I guess when just as you think you can get into some intelligent dialogue about a great game and arguably the most famous club of all, you have to eventually concede to the superior intellect of the mental giant blogger type who, in all fairness I suppose, is only passionately drinking long and deep from a well, by comparison, that has been pretty dry for a hundred years or so and resorts continually to petty personal attacks and whoa, scarey threats that will have me sleepless for the rest of the season !...yes I can remember the concrete blocks we used to throw at each other growing up in true working class melbourne (with all the wife bashers and inbred iliterates of course)...you'll have to do better than that...so in closing, while I openly opine as often previously, that eddie has not always been a positive influence for the pies and has bullied in a new contemporary breed of club presidency sometimes to the temporary detriment of the black and white image it remains that there exists the odd pundit whose views are limited to the proximity of their head to their arse and reasonable debate is a fairy tale!"
- Basso Divor
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