Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Hay's head, Farmer's finger, Didak's elbow and Lonergan's kidney



Captain: You know, on one hand I’m kinda glad I wasn’t there, but on the other I would have liked to experience that. I’ve never been to a tied game before; how was it, the locals close to setting fire to the joint?

Mrs. Watson: In all honesty, the locals weren’t the ones to worry about. People complain about the poor behaviour exhibited by Richmond or Collingwood supporters, but in my experience, Demon fans are by far the most psychopathic bunch of knob-heads I’ve ever had to endure in the outer at KP. Year after year a particular group of Melbourne tosspots plonk themselves in our vicinity and proceed to antagonise any Cats supporter in range; a drunken attempt to drum up a barney of some sort. Last year, when a quarter time skirmish with the locals wasn’t enough to quench their thirst for bruises, they began fighting each other. This incestuous free for all resulted in a cop receiving a cup of beer in the face, before being elbowed across the chin. It was much the same this year, but it involved more blood shed. Sure, when it comes to behavioural guidelines at the football, I’m not really one to talk – hell, I’m usually the one people are complaining about – but when your day on the piss goes beyond a bit of colourful football related banter, and turns my day at the footy in my beloved outer into a very fucking distracting boxing match, I get pissed off. Seriously, between the drunken wrestling, the bloody gashes to the head, and other blatant homo-erotic behaviour, these guys would have seen about a quarter of football in total. Next year fellas, if you don’t want to watch the game, don’t fuckin’ buy a ticket! As for the Geelong fans, I think most of us at the ground were pretty happy about the outcome. It’s different when the other team chokes, I guess.

Captain: Fucking bogans. It’s interesting to note that a combined 3 seconds have separated Geelong from a Preliminary Final appearance last year and a potential finals berth this year. Let’s not dwell, however, it seems rude when Tom Lonergan was almost killed. I guess that’s one decision that’s already been made for the off-season; surely there’s no way he’ll play with one kidney. Speaking of off-season cuts, didn’t the Kent of Kingsley make an appearance?

Mrs. Watson: Apparently, yes. As per usual though, the AFL level defenders were just too much for him. Poor old Fluffy. I can see him playing for Richmond next year. His mediocrity would suit their “near enough” club-wide culture. Now that I think of it, we’ve got a few players that’d suit the Richmond mould. Which of Geelong’s unwanted are still in contract at season’s end, Captain? As far as I can tell, we really don’t have any decent trade bait at all.

Captain: I’m not too sure about the contract situation at Geelong, and I’m not too sure about who we’d want to bring in anyway. I mean, unless Judd or Kerr are available, it seems not much is worth giving up 1st round draft picks for. And I’m sure we’ll cover any potential off-season moves in our end of year review anyway. It’s probably about time to start talking finals; I wonder if any of the Melbourne media hurt themselves scrambling to get on the Freo bandwagon this week.



Mrs. Watson: Ah, man, do we really have to talk about Fremantle? I’m vomiting up lunch just at the thought of them playing finals. It’s bad enough I have to watch Jeff Farmer waving his post-goal finger for 22 Rounds a year, now it looks like I’ll have to put up with it for at least another two weeks. And if I catch even a glimpse of that twerp, Rove McManus, boasting about his team’s success, I think my television’ll be on the wrong end of coffee mug thrown curve ball style across the lounge. For God’s sake, how did this happen? I mean, surely Chris Connolly has had nothing to do with it. By the looks of him, the guy couldn’t take his mind off hot pies and soft serves long enough to mastermind a regular season victory, let alone take a crack at the Premiership. But what the hell happened between Geelong giving them an absolute flogging in WA in Round 12, and now. I mean, am I missing something here?

Captain: Yeah we’re missing something alright, that mid-season dose of Human Growth Hormone served up to the Fremantle players; if it can grow Marion Jones a set of balls it should work for Byron Shammer. But seriously, it’s gotta be a mental thing, right? Players don’t grow an extra leg (or lose them in Trent Hentschel’s case) over the length of a season. Having said that, I don’t think the Dockers will make much noise in September.

Mrs. Watson: I think that if they finish in the top 4 they’ll probably make the Grand Final. And just to clarify, it won’t be because they’re any good or because they’ve earned it in some way. It’ll be because God hates me! I mean, what sort of God breaks Trent Hentschel’s leg, destroys Lonergan’s kidney, and gives Michael O’Loughlin a game week after week? An angry, vengeful God, that’s what! Although, he did give Jon Hay a good dose of very convenient bipolar. What’s the go there?

Captain: It’s almost as if his manager convinced Hay to ‘pull a Nathan Thompson’ to stop all the shit he was copping, I mean, how heartless will the Kangaroos look now if they cut the bipolar-depressed guy and his bloated $300 000 a year contract? And if they do, he can always step it up to the ‘split-personality’ level, claiming that the Good Jon Hay just wants to play footy while Bad Jon Hay is the guy out drinking til 5am on game day at a Tasmanian casino. This is the work of an evil genius I tell you; well, either that, or I’m going to Hell.

Mrs. Watson: Yeah, you and the guy who decided Didak was an innocent man. Ridiculous! Not since Barry Hall’s pre-Grand Final let off has a more confusing decision been made.

Captain: If that was Cam Mooney we’d now be complaining about the 4 week suspension he’d just received. Do you remember some of the things ‘Tickets’ Bartel was suspended for this year? Just an absurd decision; I’m calling shenanigans on this whole fucking league. While we’re at it, do you reckon Brad Miller has anything to answer for in the hit on Lonergan?

Mrs. Watson: Nah, but maybe he could pick up the hospital bill, or at least do the same to Michael O'Loughlin.

Out.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Snakes on a Tram, or, Derby Disinterest



Captain: Do you realize that Geelong is apparently still a chance to make the finals? If they win both remaining games by 10 goals, and the Bulldogs or Saints lose both by a similar margin, they’ll slide into 8th position. Having said that, I can’t go watch them again, it’s pointless, and everyone at the ground knows it.

Mrs. Watson: Man, you’re attitude is depressing, but luckily not contagious. Sure, Anthony Koutoufides has a better chance of being straight than Geelong does of making the Finals, but I’m staying positive. There’s a lot to look forward to, you know. What is it exactly you feel so down about?

Captain: Nothing, now that I’m firmly entrenched on the reserves bandwagon! Koulouriotis had 47 disposals last week, the youngsters Gamble, Stokes and Varcoe are getting amongst it, the Matthew McCarthy Era lives on, and hell, even Kent looks good in the two’s! The gap between the AFL and VFL is wider than the gap between Tori Spelling’s breasts.

Mrs. Watson: I hope you’re coming to the game this week; if only to witness the pre-game 2006 Pura Power Kick Competition. This looks fuckin’ hilarious! Apparently 8 local hicks have qualified to compete in a good ol’ fashioned Torp Contest. And get this, a guy called Adam Donohue, from Winchelsea no less, is going in as the hot favourite after kicking the Sherrin 59 metres at the Barwon Heads Preliminary round. This has got “Gold! Gold! Gold!” written all over it! There’re competitors from every shithole town in the region: Lara, Colac, Lorne, Torquay, and somewhere called Yeo. Where the hell is Yeo? Anyway, I’m backing a bloke called Tommy Simpkin from Colac. I’m picturing an oversized 37 year old in a tight Richmond jumper and pair of well-loved Dunlop Vollies pumping the ball a good 75 meters before doing a round of high fives around KP’s boundary with a Melbourne Bitter tinny in his spare hand. I’m getting a vibe about Harley Davis from Lorne also. By the sounds of it, his parents were bikers.

Captain: I wish I could be there to see ol’ Tommy Simpkin get hold of a big barrel, but unfortunately I ain’t coming. And I’m pretty sure this is a kid’s comp, so they may wanna check the birth certificate of the kid from Winch who topped out at 59 metres. They may also want to check that Harley’s parents aren’t brother and sister. (Oh, and for the record, I once got hold of a torp that sailed straight through from 50m out at the Highton oval. Best day of my life.) You want State of Origin games back?

Mrs. Watson: Do I ever! But I think they should be played old school style, where the umpire puts his whistle away, haymakers are permitted, and NSW and QLD are banned from the competition entirely. If Victorians aren’t invited to play in their annual date-sniffing extravaganza, then fuck them! What ever happened to State of Origin anyway? I mean, I realise crowd numbers went down and players weren’t generally eager to put their bodies on the line mid-season, but really, what’s better than seeing a South Australian dickhead on the wrong side of a Victorian’s coat hanger? It’s a great chance to really show how strong Victorian football still is today, as well. I mean, how good would the Eagles really be if we took all our Victorians back? Can you imagine what the Victorian side would look like at the moment? Fuckin’ hell! Cousins, Judd, Jonathan Brown, all these players who were dragged to the stinky, sport hating corners of Australia post-draft could finally get the chance to say, “You know what, I may play for an interstate club, but I really despise this town! Tonight, I play for Warrnambool!”

Captain: As long as they don’t reintroduce the cheesy ‘Allies’ amalgamation of the remaining states thing, then I don’t mind who they put in there. Of course, they might want to check if each state has enough players to field a team; remember when NSW’s best players were Bill Brownless and Mick Gayfer? Ugh. Seeing as though you brought up the Eagles, how do you see the WA derby panning out? I’ll admit I have no frickin’ idea.

Mrs. Watson: Well, I tipped West Coast, but really, I’m Victorian, so I couldn’t care less who wins really. Isn’t really quaint how every Western Australian pisses their pants every time this local derby comes around. I mean, geez, what’s the big deal? If I got a boner every time the Cats played another Victorian team I’d probably be in jail right now, explaining to my legal team that football is responsible for the constant hard-on, and if I happen to brush up against a minor on a packed tram, it’s just bad luck. Although, now that I think about it, it would be nice to see the Dockers put back in their place. Smarmy fuckers!

Captain: It would also be nice to be able see it on television in Victoria. Instead we get Collingwood v Carlton, and I guess that’s just one more thing we can blame Eddie McGuire for. The AFL doesn’t see it as a conflict of interest that a club president is also the CEO of the television network that broadcasts the games? Really? Fuck it, why not make him director of umpiring too, no, even better, give him Demetriou’s job. Let him run the AFL, Collingwood, Channel 9 and host the ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - Conflict of Interest Special’, with Mike Willessee and Rene Rivkin. (And yes, I know Rivkin is allegedly ‘dead’, but maybe, just maybe, it’s an elaborate tax dodge, and the million dollar prize would lure him out of hiding.)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Persecuting Mooney, or, Denis & The Devil

Yeah, yeah, so Cam Mooney is the only player to be suspended 4 times during one season. Big frickin’ deal. He’s had 3 one week suspensions and the latest one was ‘back-loaded’ and upgraded to 2 weeks due the AFL’s ridiculous match review and tribunal set up.

Quickly reviewing Mooney’s suspensions, the first one was a phantom head-butt on Ben Holland, the second was shot to the ribs of Port Adelaide’s Josh Mahoney, the 3rd was a charge on the Kangaroo’s Daniel Pratt and the latest was another body shot, this time to Sydney’s Amon Buchanon.

Leaving aside Mooney’s impeccable taste in victims, is all this media head-shaking really warranted? For starters, the head butt was non-existent and the charge is an inevitable part of playing a collision sport; note the term ‘collision sport’, as opposed to ‘contact sport’. As for the 2 striking charges, well, probably fair enough; we can’t have people deliberately throwing punches.

In his defence, however, they were both shots to the body, not to the head, and they were both in play, in situations where the player was receiving some physical pressure anyway. And it was Josh Mahoney; surely that should count for something.

The way the match review system is structured, with pre-set levels and punishments, players, or players advocates, argue minor technicalities, which should generally be irrelevant, to get lesser penalties. Where the contact is made is clear enough, but how does one even attempt to evaluate a player’s intent, or the severity of the blow?

Stuart Dew (yes, he’s still playing) had his charge downgraded after successfully argued that the head high elbow he threw, 50 metres off the ball, was ‘in play’. Daniel Kerr had his penalty cut in half when admitted that, yes, I wanted to hit him, but not there. This is madness.

The match review system should be scraped and replaced by common sense. No grading, no intentions, no levels, no witnesses, no testimony, no bio-mechanic experts, no gym bags full of unmarked, non-sequential 20’s from Dustin Fletcher. Just watch the the incident. Just look at the tape and tell me; how many weeks do you reckon that’s worth?

And as for Mark Riccuito, fuck me, he seems to get away with whatever he likes because he’s an Adelaide bogan. I’ve seen the Roo punch, or elbow, at least 2 players in the head this season, completely intentionally, and it’s all shits and giggles for Dermott Brereton and co. as they applaud his old school ‘physical attack’. Yet when Mooney does it they question his sanity, sounding like Californian schoolgirls as they say, ‘he’s losing it,’ or that he had a ‘brain fade’. Proper medical terms to be sure.

Jeff Farmer, after kicking 4 of the cheapest goals you’ll ever see last week against the Saints, charged straight up to Justin Koschitzke and started roughing him. Way to pick on the guy with the brain injury, Farmer. Poor old Justin hadn’t said a word to him all night, yet all Commetti could muster was, “he’s never far from the action, Jeffrey.” What’s the matter Denis, couldn’t file quick enough to one of your pre-prepared convoluted similes, sure to be included in your next shithouse, unnecessary, soon to be bargain bin, slap in the face to literature? Tell me Denis, do you get change when you sell your soul? Why not just waltz into the the State Library and take a huge dump? I’m usually completely against book burning, but in this case, I’ll make an exception.

Media imbalance and tribunal inconsistencies aside, Cameron Mooney must shoulder the bulk of the blame. He seemed to have reigned himself in this season, but it was only a passing phase. As the Lady Captain pointed out, he seems reasonable bright, so why does he keep doing it? Is he trying to force his way out of Geelong? [Please don't even suggest this! - Mrs Watson]

Whatever the case may be, he’s done for this year. Maybe he knew the season was over and decided to even up an old score. Perhaps he thought, "Nick Davis isn't here, fuck it, I'll hit that prick Buchanon instead." Let’s at least make sure he’s available against Fremantle next year and we’ll see how Jeffrey likes it when someone pushes back.

Monday, August 21, 2006

What would Jesus do?

Some things you just can’t change. You tell yourself to forget about it, that’s it over. You tell everyone else that you’ve given up. And you have. For the most part. But there’s still that part of you that refuses to face facts, the part that ignores the 99% and instead focuses on the 1%. And that part, strangely enough, is often the loudest and the most insistent. And no matter how much you have come to despise the phrase, ‘mathematical chance’, you still end up thinking, ‘well, I’m not gonna rule anything out until it rules itself out’. The heart wants what the heart wants. But then Collingwood scrape in on Friday night. And then the Bulldogs pull one out.

I was at Kardinia Park on Saturday, along with Mrs. Watson and our respective hangovers, and boy, did it look a much easier game in person than it does on television sometimes. As far as I can tell, this is Sydney’s game plan: When they have the ball everyone run down that end. Then, when we get it, everyone run back to our end. They’re like an overmatched soccer team who stack their defence and attack purely on the counter. And sure, it would be easy to blame Paul Roos for turning the AFL into an almost continuous game of stacks-on, but they won a premiership last year, so it’s probably up to the other coaches to come up with a game plan to combat this. Otherwise they’ll probably win another one. Although it could be argued that bad luck, (Daniel Kerr’s foot injury sustained early in the 1st quarter) the AFL’s intervention (ridiculous tribunal decisions) and West Coast’s idiocy (playing Gardiner at full forward when Quentin Lynch, Andrew McDougall or even Jamie Graham had done it all year) contributed significantly to Sydney’s premiership last year.

The Cats were good though. They pressured hard enough that it was difficult for Sydney to score on the rebound. And I guess that’s difference between our game and soccer, or basketball; the threat of getting legally and fairly nailed. And while we’re on the subject, I think I kinda like Cam Mooney belting people every now and then, but do you reckon there’s some way we could get him to announce who it’s gonna be during the week? You know, just to kind of get in their head a little bit, the same way Glenn McGrath singles out his ‘bunnies’ before an up-coming cricket tour. Imagine that, and tell me that wouldn’t rattle the opposition player; I think it was Confucius who said, “Fear of death is worse than death itself”. Well it was either him or that Grasshopper guy from Kung-Fu. Or, even better, perhaps they could take some kind of poll of GFC.com to decide who Mooney is going to punch. Sure, Amon Buchanon was a worthy recipient, but, had I been given the choice, Ryan O’Keefe would have gotten my vote. No question. Hit him twice, please.

You see, this type of tom-foolery is needed to distract us from the real issue: No matter how many heroin addicts Sydney has, they also have a football team who will be playing in September. And, as I alluded to in the beginning, this is what I was still refusing to accept.

There were 22,000 people there on Saturday; are they too, I wondered, in self-denial? Or had they given up on finals and turned up knowing it would be a meaningless, hollow victory? Perhaps that’s why K-Park was so quiet. So quiet in fact, that I actually heard an umpire award a 50m penalty. Not that I was complaining; after all, in my hungover state, I appreciated the peace.

Geelong was challenged and answered the call, going on to win by a handy margin. And the crowd eventually warmed up to the contest. But I left the ground no wiser, no more disappointed, uplifted, hopeful, philosophical, or anything else, other than resigned to the fact that the season was done. I was tired. And the voice of any unlikely hopes, of that 1%, was finally quieted. And who wants to write about that?

Monday, August 14, 2006

Geelong’s finals chances, we hardly knew ye



Born on the 18th March, 2006 in Adelaide, Mark ‘Lips’ Thompson, like any proud father, announced Geelong’s finals chances to the world, and his youngest would fill his dad with pride in the first two rounds of the season proper. It is worth remembering these good times for what they were.

Still young, Geelong’s finals chances seemed fit and healthy. The innocence of youth and the carefree nature afforded by such an early charmed life gave no hint to the impending tragedy. It was round 3 when the first signs of illness would begin to appear.

At first, we were in denial, and Round 4 gave some hope that the early diagnosis was incorrect. Nothing, however, could prepare us for the months ahead. As the losses piled up Geelong’s finals chances slowly deteriorated, hitting rock bottom after getting belted by Collingwood and then losing at home to Richmond. For many, the Richmond result came with it the realization of death’s inevitability.

Geelong’s finals chances were dying, but a brave fight for life was put forth. Up until the events of this weekend past, things had begun to look up. Doctors Sheahan and Walls, who had previously given the critical diagnosis, now saw reason for hope, small signs of life. But ultimately they would be proven right, as the last glimmer of light was extinguished by indecisive ball movement, defensive inadequacies and finally Stephen Milne.

It is hoped by us here that the passing of Geelong’s finals chances was not without its lessons and that it serve as a reminder to all of the fleeting nature of anyone’s finals chances.

I would like to take this chance to extend an invitation to all readers, especially those who haven’t posted before, to leave a comment and share a thought. Let’s start the healing.

*As a sign of respect for the passing of Geelong’s finals chances, both Mrs. Watson and I will be taking a sabbatical to drink beer and take in guitar bands in Ballarat. Blogs will resume as normal as of Monday 21/8.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Wallace Home Services, or, Before & After the Ship Sinks



Mrs. Watson: So, Captain, I see no-one thought your Terry Wallace blog worthy of a comment yesterday. No doubt Terry himself will comment on it over the weekend.

Captain: You realise, of course, that Terry probably would do an interview with us. He just can’t help himself. Did you know he’s available as key notes speaker for about 4 grand a pop? I wonder, if we could raise the money, do you think he’d come over to your place and give us a key notes address in your lounge room while we snigger and make Harlem Globe-Trotter jokes?
Mrs. Watson: I’d be like, "Yeah that’s great, Terry, but can you clean my shower? You’ll find the Exit Mould under the sink next to the Toilet Duck." I suppose by being so media active however, he has, in a way, diverted any questions regarding his side’s terrible form; another year, another Tiger-less Finals Series. All their fans were so excited in Round 9, too. "You finished yet, Terry? Hurry the fuck up, Coach!"

Captain: Yeah, he’s like a bad magician; sure, in this hand my team has fallen over at the critical point of the season again, but in this hand, look! A crazy comment about the rules! An unrelated rant about the pre-season! A ridiculous statement about the state of the game! Bravo, Terry, bravo. And when you’re done at Watson’s place, my septic tank has packed up again; can you send one of the Bowdens over to take a look at it?

Mrs. Watson: How about Brisbane at the moment? Man, it’s like the fuckin’ Titanic up there with all those old farts clamming for the lifeboats. Mick Voss, Justin Leppitsch and now Brad Scott all allegedly have career ending injuries. Tell me that if these guys were playing finals this year their ailments wouldn’t magically vanish. Shit, Voss has poked that many pain killing needles in his leg he has track marks behind the knee. Why stop now? And don’t get me started on Mal Michael. He wants to play on a part time basis. Was he really expecting Leigh Matthews to say, "Oh, ok, Mal. Sure thing, mate. You do know it will effect your superannuation though, right?" I mean, c’mon, Mal. This whole thing stinks of sooky veterans piking it ‘cause they’re not winning anymore. What’s next, Black can’t get to the games anymore because his wife has to use the car on weekends? Sheesh!

Captain: Speaking of sooky veterans, I see the Kent of Kingsley has been included in the 25 man squad this week. That’s as far as he’ll go, however. Perhaps Lips is stringing him along before implementing your "Kingsley as permanent VFL player ‘07" plan. Do you reckon any other club would want him? Our esteemed friend and colleague, Rowie, suggested West Coast, reasoning that Kent would be a welcome replacement for the brutish Quentin Lynch. Rowie then detailed the day he saw Kingsley eating pink fairy floss at Pako Festa before kicking 8 goals that night in a pre-season game.

Mrs. Watson: Well, I don’t think the Eagles are going to be getting rid of Lynch in a hurry, and certainly not in exchange for Fluffy Kingsley. We need to get him out of the GFC clubrooms though before his wankery rubs off on ‘Hatchet’ Hawkins. Even the slightest brush of the shoulder at training could see ‘Hatchet’ go from Jonathan Brown to Henry Playfair in an instant: From franchise player to franchise drive-through attendant.

Captain: I’m not certain that unco-ordination is contagious, but perhaps ol’ Hank should clear out his locker too, you know, just in case. And if I was Matthew McCarthy I’d be feverishly preparing my resume. But before we talk up Geelong’s chances against the Saints, I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on Melbourne; all of a sudden they have injuries to key players and face Sydney, the Kangaroos, Geelong and Adelaide on the run home. Keeping in mind their streaky history, how far do you see them slipping?

Mrs. Watson: They’ll probably lose three of those games I’d say. But hell, if Carlton can beat ‘em they’ll probably lose all four. Unfortunately I had already picked them as my team to support during the Finals, and now I’m not sure who to pick. I sure as hell couldn’t bring myself to support West Coast, and I’d sooner bury my face in Adam Goodes’ ass than cheer him on, but barracking for Adelaide just seems, well, boring, I guess. Maybe I’ll root for Melbourne regardless.

Captain: I suppose Collingwood is out of the question; how bout the Dogs? We know we have at least one reader who is a Bulldogs fan. Regardless, let’s not go down that road until we absolutely have to; you wouldn’t want you to be burying your face in anyone’s ass unnecessarily. By the way, if the Saints name Justin Koschitzke this week, don’t be surprised to see the first person struck by lightning at the Telstra Dome – with the roof closed. Well, either that or Darren Milburn actually kill him by delivering a Silvagni-esque blow. Seriously, why even consider him? And what is Koschitzke thinking, "Let’s see, I cracked my skull, my brain was bleeding, I passed out on national TV, concussed myself by running into an umpire who was 2 metres away, directly in front of me and wearing fluorescent green… hhmmm, maybe I should volunteer to play on Cam Mooney this week.’ Forget about wearing a helmet, this guy needs to be living in a fucking bubble.

Mrs. Watson: Not only is the blind fuck injured, but he hasn’t played any real footy since he was first injured like 2 years ago! Everyone says how great this guy is, but he never strings more than a couple of games together. Hell, even McCarthy could manage to look half decent two weeks in a row. I hope they play him. It’s just too bad Bartel won’t be there to dish out his fourth head high bump of the season.

Out.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Ladies & Gentleman, Mr. Terry Wallace

Like the rest of Geelong, we at here at Big League are holding our breath. The predicament the Cats find themselves in means not only do they have to keep on winning, but they must also rely on some teams above them to lose. Not good times. That leaves us in a bit of quandary; it is too early to discount the Cats finals chances and start ushering in the ‘Hatchet’ Hawkins Era, and it is certainly too early to lift our eyes to any possible finals match ups. We find ourselves in journalistic no-mans land, a literary purgatory, a media black hole… And it is times like these I look to Terry Wallace. You see, regardless of the circumstance, the performance of his team, the other major stories around the league, or even if he has a job or not, Terry Wallace holds a weekly press conference, without fail, to push his own agenda and give his unqualified opinions on everything and anything. So, take it away, Terry!

Journo: Terry, you’ve recently suffered season ending injuries to Danny Meyer and Jarrad Oakley-Nicholls; are we playing the kids too soon?

Terry Wallace: I think more than ever, we're playing young kids quicker and earlier into senior football and the game's got faster, harder and stronger and we seem to be losing a few of those younger boys. What seems to happen is that the clubs who are down the ladder have to throw their boys into the mix earlier and quicker than those that are up the top of the ladder. Whether you put them at more risk because they are the lighter-framed bodies, that's something we'll have to review.

Journo: In light of the Chris Tarrant/Ben Johnson incident, plus the recent behaviour of Mel Gibson, have you spoken to your players about the dangers of alcohol abuse?

Terry: Look, more than ever these incidents are being brought to light and these are young guys are being hung out to dry. What seems to happen is that footballers are being targeted, and because they are famous sportsmen we hear about it through the media. Whether or not Mel truly believes the Jews killed Christ, well, that’s something we’ll have to review moving forward.

Journo: With Dean Jones being sacked for describing a Muslim cricketer as a terrorist, have you also mentioned the importance of tolerance for other cultures?

Terry: Probably in the last few years these types of incidents have been occurring a bit more often, and look; our guys get the sensitivity training and what not from the AFL. Look, I wouldn’t get on a plane with Deano this week, but whether or not Dean Jones knows something that we don’t, well that’s just something we’ll have to investigate moving forward.

Journo: Terry, the latest from Lebanon is that Israeli gunboats have shelled a refugee camp; any thoughts?

Terry: Look, this conflict dates back to the 1880’s, when the Zionist movement was initiated in Europe. What seems to have happened is that this movement held that the Jewish people had a right to a state of their own and that it should be in a part of their historic homeland, the area then known as Palestine. Since then there has been a long history of violent and ideological conflict, including the Hebron massacre of 1929, the Great Uprising in the late 1930’s, the 6 day war in the 1960’s and the Israeli invasion of Lebanon in the 80’s. Not to mention all the terrorist type activities after this period including the Munich games fiasco. In between all that, what seems to have happened is that the UN has stepped in to try and resolve all that by dividing the area into 2 states, with mixed results. Look, whether or not we’ll ever see peace in the Middle East, well, that’s something we’ll have to review moving forward.

Journo: Thanks for you time, Terry. Any last thoughts?

Terry: Look, I think everybody is aware that Einstein was a fair scientist, I mean, his theory of relativity, the one based on the general principle which requires all observers to experience the same laws of physics, not just those moving with uniform speed, is fairly well known. But whether or not this needs to be updated, reflecting the traditional kinematic approach, with its formal science and mathematical manipulations being occupied with the physical symbols, well, that’s something we’ll have to review moving forward.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Brendan Fevola vs. Barry Hall

As Chris Tarrant’s career heads in the direction of Richo v2.0, the significance and irony of Brendon Fevola being used a positive role model for Taz has not been lost on most of the media. As suggested in the last blog, we were not lucky enough to avoid The Age’s mandatory piece about player discipline (albeit Samantha Lane and not Wallsy being the guilty party) and now the Tarrant-Fevola parallels are coming as thick and fast as Tarrant himself. This, however, is not unfamiliar ground for me.

From very early in their careers, right up to the current day, my friends and I have at various times argued over who was better, or who we would have preferred in our clubs forward lines. For the most part, Richo was also included in these discussions and for the most part, he was quickly dismissed. For the record, over the last 3-4 years, I have consistently chosen Tarrant, but, as Big Fev closes in on his first Coleman medal while Tarrant has one foot on the bus back to Bendigo (Dean Solomon has saved him a seat), the choice these days is a bit clearer. So instead of whinging about Chris Tarrant, let’s get positive and see how good Fevola could be. The bar has been raised: Big Fev, or Big Bad Barry? Let’s break it down, as ripped off from ESPN’s Dr. Jack Ramsey!

Marking
Marking is usually divided up into contested and uncontested and could then be further separated into leading, 1-on-1 and pack situations. Both Fevola and Hall are essentially leading forwards, relying upon a quick first step to get that crucial break from their defender. Although both big men, neither really crashes the packs and takes the big Carey-esque marks as often as you might expect. If left alone with their opponent however, both are hard to contain.

According to pro-stats.com.au Hall has 160 marks, 33 of which were contested, while Fevola has 120 and 30 contested. Considering that Barry often pushes up the ground, Sydney’s annoying possession game plan and the fact that Carlton are a terrible, terrible team, perhaps we should grade Fevola’s stats a little easier here.
Edge: Even

Goal kicking
Two of the best proponents of the set-shot, Hall and Fevola are also very long kicks of the pig-skin. This season, Fev has kicked 69.39 while Hall has 59.31. Although most of their goals would come from marks, both have shown a good knack for kicking the ‘quick snap from the pocket’ type goal. In an inferior team, however, I’m going with the numbers.
Edge: Fevola

On the ground
It’s impossible for anyone to mark it every time it comes to them, so once it hits the deck you want your key forwards to compete, rather than reach for an oxygen mask like Anthony Rocca. This is where Fevola has arguably improved the most, chasing and harassing in the forward line, while Barry was always pretty good at this. Hall has 47 tackles for the year while Fev has 38 from one less game.
Slight Edge: Hall

Finals/Team success
No contest here, as Barry Hall lead an unlikely Sydney team, and one of the ugliest sides in recent memory, to a premiership last year. Carlton meanwhile has been floundering near the bottom of the ladder for years.
Big Edge: Hall

Physical presence
This is arguably what defines great full forwards from very good ones. During the 80’s, a period ripe with great full-forwards, most would have Lockett and Ablett ranked slightly above Jason Dunstall, simply due to the physical presence factor. Just ask John Gastev. Likewise, this was what separated Carey from other great centre half forwards of his, or any other, era. It is not necessarily about belting people, although this helps, but it is about making an impact legally and therefore forcing the opposition to always have an awareness of you. Both of these guys have it.
Edge: Even

Attitude
Big, bad, bustling Barry Hall was cast as the villain of the AFL from a young age when he started with the Saints. Since then, however, he has been a poster boy of good behaviour for the Swans, with little to no tribunal action of late and no offfield discretions, or at least none that have been published. He is unselfish on the field and has even been part of Sydney’s rotating captaincy.

This has been the most consistent season of Fev’s career to date. It is perhaps no coincidence that Fevola has said that this year he will not be drinking any alcohol during the season, having a Tarrant-esque history of off-field, binge drinking fuelled incidents. He has displayed good body language and demeanour this year despite Carltons terrible record, in a way becoming the anti-Richo.
Edge: Even

Style
Hall has had the clean shaven, skinhead look going his whole career with the ugly Spider thingy tattoo on the shoulder. Fevola has some sort of Celtic pattern type ink going on under his bicep and thankfully has recently gotten rid of the dreadlocks. Unfortunately neither has experimented with dodgy facial hair, and although Fev occasionally has stubble good enough to rival a Faith-era George Michael, as you should know, I’m a bit partial to the ol’ cheesy moustache. However, last time I watched the footy show Fevola made an absolute debacle out of it, ruining the show by hanging shit on Sam Newman and generally being an ass. Outstanding.
Edge: Fevola

Nickname
Big, bad, bustleing, Barry vs. Fev. Purely because it sounds like the convoluted names they gave to over-rated boxers during the 1940’s this is no contest.
Big Edge: Hall

Importance to team
Fevola has been one of the only bright spots in another ugly season for the Blues, while the Swans will only go as far as Hall will carry them. Without Fev, however, you get the feeling Carlton would struggle to beat the Geelong Amateurs… reserves.
Edge: Fevola

Potential/Future
Since moving to Sydney Hall has kicked 55, 64, 75 and 80 goals. This season he has 59 so is right on track to be around the 80 mark again - which feels about right for him and for Sydney. Fevola’s last 3 years have gone 63, 66, 49 and he already has 69 this season in a 3-win Carlton team. One gets the feeling on a better team Fevola could push for 100 goals in season, plus, he’s 4 years younger than Barry. Fev has more time; Hall has the runs on the board.
Slight Edge: Fevola

Overall
Tough to split these two for me, but I think I’d take Fev, although with Hall’s success and consistency I’d guess most would have it the other way around. Of course, next year the bouffant ponce, Matthew ‘Trunks’ Lloyd comes back. Plus Jonathan Brown will be well rested for ‘07, having been ruled out for the rest of this season. I’d be interested to see where everyone else rates these guys, along with Pavlich, Riewoldt, Gehrig [Don’t get me started on this joker! – Mrs. Watson], plus guys like Bradshaw, Thompson, Ottens and of course, the one and only Richo.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Trading Coaches, or, Waiting for the Hatchet



Captain: So, Chris Tarrant and Ben Johnson get fined but not dropped, because Malthouse says they’re good players. He’s as cagey as a shithouse rat, Old Mick. He anticipated the criticism and owned up to it before The Age sub-editors so much as thought of a catchy title for the obligatory ‘double standard/team discipline’ type article. Wallsy must be ropeable; that’s the easiest 2000 words he’d write all year.

Mrs. Watson: But is anyone really surprised by Mick’s statements? I mean, the Magpies are playing the Crows this weekend; what’s he going to do? Say, “Ok fellas, screw our top four chances, you guys need to be taught a lesson.” The man’s not a fuckin’ idiot! A lughead, sure, but not an idiot. To tell you the truth, I don’t really think what his players did even warrants a headline, anyway. If the Geelong Fucking Advertiser wrote up a story every time a Cats player had a run in with some piss-drunk moth at one of G-Town’s many shit night spots (really, are there any good ones?), there’d be no page space left for even Beirut’s present troubles. Headline: SHANNON BURNS ASKED FOR PROOF OF AGE: LOSES FIGHT WITH BOUNCER.

Captain: Funny, I didn’t think they asked for ID at the Charles Peel. Anyway, it’s not exactly foreign ground for the Collingwood boys, let me just run you through this years offences alone; Chris Tarrant and Ben Johnson in the afore mentioned brawl outside a Port Melbourne nightclub, Chad Morrison losing his licence for drink-driving, Dane Swan convicted of assault, Brodie Holland to answer assault charges later this year after beating a woman and Jason Cloke has been charged with fraud. It wouldn’t surprise me if Malthouse was in someway involved in organised crime; remember now, he did come from West Coast. He probably would have been better off punishing them and looking like a hard ass. I mean, they’re gonna get flogged anyway, may as well saddle up the ol’ high horse. Although, he does seem to ride pretty regularly these days.

Mrs. Watson: Fraud? What did he do, tell the Collingwood Football Club he could play football? Surely he knew he wasn’t smart enough to get away with fraud. Idiot! So, how do you see Geelong’s chances on the weekend, Captain? Me, I reckon they’ll make an embarrassment of the Lions in their own State. Hell, we beat the Bulldogs without Mooney. Why not the Lions?

Captain: Yeah, the Cloke thing was a joke but his old man should probably be legitimately charged; millions, for that trio of duds? That’s just plain robbery. Moving on, interesting to see Kingsley didn’t get back in; I guess we’ve seen the last of him in a Geelong jumper, which should come as a relief to, well, all Geelong fans. Or at least the drunk ones that we hang out with in the outer. As for Geelong’s chances, who fucking knows anymore? They’re as unpredictable as a drunken Mel Gibson. Oh well, at least we know why The Passion of the Christ was so anti-Semitic. Speaking of much anticipated arrivals, Tom Hawkins can’t get here soon enough; don’t be surprised to see him suited up for Round 1 2007.

Mrs Watson: Yep, ‘Tomahawk’ (or ‘Hatchet’, I haven’t decided yet) will be a very important edition. As for Kingsley, I don’t think Geelong should let him go. I say sign him up again, and just keep him in the VFL side as punishment for being such a fucking frustrating pansy of a footballer. Let him play his career out kicking goals he would have missed had he been selected in the AFL side. Keep him in Geelong just so I can throw a throbbing hot Balfour’s Original at the bastard as he’s waving his last goodbye in a few years time. It’ll be THE most offensive farewell gesture since you and I heckled Peter Street off K-Park in Round 22, 2003. And while we’re talking about the VFL side, I reckon the Cats can push for another VFL premiership this year. With the amount of AFL dropouts they can select from, I say we focus our attention on Tudor’s clan of semi-talented outcasts. The way they’re travelling, they’ll ultimately bring us a hell of a lot more joy than the shemozzle of a team Lips has got going around at the moment.

Captain: Agreed – about following the 2’s, about keeping Kent in the VFL, about scalding people with pies – the whole lot. We just need a convoluted nickname for Leigh Tudor to go along with ‘Hatchet’ Hawkins and ‘Con’ Prismall (Prisa-Prisoner-convict-con). How about something like, ‘Slug’? No reasoning behind it, it just seems to fit. I also think the Cats should be heavily involved in the trading period this off-season; unload a few of these bastards while they’re still got some value. Hell, with our new jail-house style we could even take on a few Collingwood boys. Oh, and I meant to ask, can you trade coaches?

Mrs. Watson: Only for 2nd hand Hanson Christmas albums, and dusty S Club 7 singles. I've got a scratched copy of Jimmy Barnes' Soul Deep which could probably get us something more like a center half-forward than Playfair. Maybe we could do this “Red Paperclip” style (http://oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com). We could start with something worth nothing, then trade our way up to something that remotely looks like a Premiership side. Anyone want a Charlie Gardiner? At the very least, Captain, we’d end up in a Corbin Bernsen production.

Out.