Snakes on a Tram, or, Derby Disinterest



Captain: Do you realize that Geelong is apparently still a chance to make the finals? If they win both remaining games by 10 goals, and the Bulldogs or Saints lose both by a similar margin, they’ll slide into 8th position. Having said that, I can’t go watch them again, it’s pointless, and everyone at the ground knows it.

Mrs. Watson: Man, you’re attitude is depressing, but luckily not contagious. Sure, Anthony Koutoufides has a better chance of being straight than Geelong does of making the Finals, but I’m staying positive. There’s a lot to look forward to, you know. What is it exactly you feel so down about?

Captain: Nothing, now that I’m firmly entrenched on the reserves bandwagon! Koulouriotis had 47 disposals last week, the youngsters Gamble, Stokes and Varcoe are getting amongst it, the Matthew McCarthy Era lives on, and hell, even Kent looks good in the two’s! The gap between the AFL and VFL is wider than the gap between Tori Spelling’s breasts.

Mrs. Watson: I hope you’re coming to the game this week; if only to witness the pre-game 2006 Pura Power Kick Competition. This looks fuckin’ hilarious! Apparently 8 local hicks have qualified to compete in a good ol’ fashioned Torp Contest. And get this, a guy called Adam Donohue, from Winchelsea no less, is going in as the hot favourite after kicking the Sherrin 59 metres at the Barwon Heads Preliminary round. This has got “Gold! Gold! Gold!” written all over it! There’re competitors from every shithole town in the region: Lara, Colac, Lorne, Torquay, and somewhere called Yeo. Where the hell is Yeo? Anyway, I’m backing a bloke called Tommy Simpkin from Colac. I’m picturing an oversized 37 year old in a tight Richmond jumper and pair of well-loved Dunlop Vollies pumping the ball a good 75 meters before doing a round of high fives around KP’s boundary with a Melbourne Bitter tinny in his spare hand. I’m getting a vibe about Harley Davis from Lorne also. By the sounds of it, his parents were bikers.

Captain: I wish I could be there to see ol’ Tommy Simpkin get hold of a big barrel, but unfortunately I ain’t coming. And I’m pretty sure this is a kid’s comp, so they may wanna check the birth certificate of the kid from Winch who topped out at 59 metres. They may also want to check that Harley’s parents aren’t brother and sister. (Oh, and for the record, I once got hold of a torp that sailed straight through from 50m out at the Highton oval. Best day of my life.) You want State of Origin games back?

Mrs. Watson: Do I ever! But I think they should be played old school style, where the umpire puts his whistle away, haymakers are permitted, and NSW and QLD are banned from the competition entirely. If Victorians aren’t invited to play in their annual date-sniffing extravaganza, then fuck them! What ever happened to State of Origin anyway? I mean, I realise crowd numbers went down and players weren’t generally eager to put their bodies on the line mid-season, but really, what’s better than seeing a South Australian dickhead on the wrong side of a Victorian’s coat hanger? It’s a great chance to really show how strong Victorian football still is today, as well. I mean, how good would the Eagles really be if we took all our Victorians back? Can you imagine what the Victorian side would look like at the moment? Fuckin’ hell! Cousins, Judd, Jonathan Brown, all these players who were dragged to the stinky, sport hating corners of Australia post-draft could finally get the chance to say, “You know what, I may play for an interstate club, but I really despise this town! Tonight, I play for Warrnambool!”

Captain: As long as they don’t reintroduce the cheesy ‘Allies’ amalgamation of the remaining states thing, then I don’t mind who they put in there. Of course, they might want to check if each state has enough players to field a team; remember when NSW’s best players were Bill Brownless and Mick Gayfer? Ugh. Seeing as though you brought up the Eagles, how do you see the WA derby panning out? I’ll admit I have no frickin’ idea.

Mrs. Watson: Well, I tipped West Coast, but really, I’m Victorian, so I couldn’t care less who wins really. Isn’t really quaint how every Western Australian pisses their pants every time this local derby comes around. I mean, geez, what’s the big deal? If I got a boner every time the Cats played another Victorian team I’d probably be in jail right now, explaining to my legal team that football is responsible for the constant hard-on, and if I happen to brush up against a minor on a packed tram, it’s just bad luck. Although, now that I think about it, it would be nice to see the Dockers put back in their place. Smarmy fuckers!

Captain: It would also be nice to be able see it on television in Victoria. Instead we get Collingwood v Carlton, and I guess that’s just one more thing we can blame Eddie McGuire for. The AFL doesn’t see it as a conflict of interest that a club president is also the CEO of the television network that broadcasts the games? Really? Fuck it, why not make him director of umpiring too, no, even better, give him Demetriou’s job. Let him run the AFL, Collingwood, Channel 9 and host the ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - Conflict of Interest Special’, with Mike Willessee and Rene Rivkin. (And yes, I know Rivkin is allegedly ‘dead’, but maybe, just maybe, it’s an elaborate tax dodge, and the million dollar prize would lure him out of hiding.)