Wallace Home Services, or, Before & After the Ship Sinks



Mrs. Watson: So, Captain, I see no-one thought your Terry Wallace blog worthy of a comment yesterday. No doubt Terry himself will comment on it over the weekend.

Captain: You realise, of course, that Terry probably would do an interview with us. He just can’t help himself. Did you know he’s available as key notes speaker for about 4 grand a pop? I wonder, if we could raise the money, do you think he’d come over to your place and give us a key notes address in your lounge room while we snigger and make Harlem Globe-Trotter jokes?
Mrs. Watson: I’d be like, "Yeah that’s great, Terry, but can you clean my shower? You’ll find the Exit Mould under the sink next to the Toilet Duck." I suppose by being so media active however, he has, in a way, diverted any questions regarding his side’s terrible form; another year, another Tiger-less Finals Series. All their fans were so excited in Round 9, too. "You finished yet, Terry? Hurry the fuck up, Coach!"

Captain: Yeah, he’s like a bad magician; sure, in this hand my team has fallen over at the critical point of the season again, but in this hand, look! A crazy comment about the rules! An unrelated rant about the pre-season! A ridiculous statement about the state of the game! Bravo, Terry, bravo. And when you’re done at Watson’s place, my septic tank has packed up again; can you send one of the Bowdens over to take a look at it?

Mrs. Watson: How about Brisbane at the moment? Man, it’s like the fuckin’ Titanic up there with all those old farts clamming for the lifeboats. Mick Voss, Justin Leppitsch and now Brad Scott all allegedly have career ending injuries. Tell me that if these guys were playing finals this year their ailments wouldn’t magically vanish. Shit, Voss has poked that many pain killing needles in his leg he has track marks behind the knee. Why stop now? And don’t get me started on Mal Michael. He wants to play on a part time basis. Was he really expecting Leigh Matthews to say, "Oh, ok, Mal. Sure thing, mate. You do know it will effect your superannuation though, right?" I mean, c’mon, Mal. This whole thing stinks of sooky veterans piking it ‘cause they’re not winning anymore. What’s next, Black can’t get to the games anymore because his wife has to use the car on weekends? Sheesh!

Captain: Speaking of sooky veterans, I see the Kent of Kingsley has been included in the 25 man squad this week. That’s as far as he’ll go, however. Perhaps Lips is stringing him along before implementing your "Kingsley as permanent VFL player ‘07" plan. Do you reckon any other club would want him? Our esteemed friend and colleague, Rowie, suggested West Coast, reasoning that Kent would be a welcome replacement for the brutish Quentin Lynch. Rowie then detailed the day he saw Kingsley eating pink fairy floss at Pako Festa before kicking 8 goals that night in a pre-season game.

Mrs. Watson: Well, I don’t think the Eagles are going to be getting rid of Lynch in a hurry, and certainly not in exchange for Fluffy Kingsley. We need to get him out of the GFC clubrooms though before his wankery rubs off on ‘Hatchet’ Hawkins. Even the slightest brush of the shoulder at training could see ‘Hatchet’ go from Jonathan Brown to Henry Playfair in an instant: From franchise player to franchise drive-through attendant.

Captain: I’m not certain that unco-ordination is contagious, but perhaps ol’ Hank should clear out his locker too, you know, just in case. And if I was Matthew McCarthy I’d be feverishly preparing my resume. But before we talk up Geelong’s chances against the Saints, I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on Melbourne; all of a sudden they have injuries to key players and face Sydney, the Kangaroos, Geelong and Adelaide on the run home. Keeping in mind their streaky history, how far do you see them slipping?

Mrs. Watson: They’ll probably lose three of those games I’d say. But hell, if Carlton can beat ‘em they’ll probably lose all four. Unfortunately I had already picked them as my team to support during the Finals, and now I’m not sure who to pick. I sure as hell couldn’t bring myself to support West Coast, and I’d sooner bury my face in Adam Goodes’ ass than cheer him on, but barracking for Adelaide just seems, well, boring, I guess. Maybe I’ll root for Melbourne regardless.

Captain: I suppose Collingwood is out of the question; how bout the Dogs? We know we have at least one reader who is a Bulldogs fan. Regardless, let’s not go down that road until we absolutely have to; you wouldn’t want you to be burying your face in anyone’s ass unnecessarily. By the way, if the Saints name Justin Koschitzke this week, don’t be surprised to see the first person struck by lightning at the Telstra Dome – with the roof closed. Well, either that or Darren Milburn actually kill him by delivering a Silvagni-esque blow. Seriously, why even consider him? And what is Koschitzke thinking, "Let’s see, I cracked my skull, my brain was bleeding, I passed out on national TV, concussed myself by running into an umpire who was 2 metres away, directly in front of me and wearing fluorescent green… hhmmm, maybe I should volunteer to play on Cam Mooney this week.’ Forget about wearing a helmet, this guy needs to be living in a fucking bubble.

Mrs. Watson: Not only is the blind fuck injured, but he hasn’t played any real footy since he was first injured like 2 years ago! Everyone says how great this guy is, but he never strings more than a couple of games together. Hell, even McCarthy could manage to look half decent two weeks in a row. I hope they play him. It’s just too bad Bartel won’t be there to dish out his fourth head high bump of the season.

Out.