Trading Coaches, or, Waiting for the Hatchet
Captain: So, Chris Tarrant and Ben Johnson get fined but not dropped, because Malthouse says they’re good players. He’s as cagey as a shithouse rat, Old Mick. He anticipated the criticism and owned up to it before The Age sub-editors so much as thought of a catchy title for the obligatory ‘double standard/team discipline’ type article. Wallsy must be ropeable; that’s the easiest 2000 words he’d write all year.
Mrs. Watson: But is anyone really surprised by Mick’s statements? I mean, the Magpies are playing the Crows this weekend; what’s he going to do? Say, “Ok fellas, screw our top four chances, you guys need to be taught a lesson.” The man’s not a fuckin’ idiot! A lughead, sure, but not an idiot. To tell you the truth, I don’t really think what his players did even warrants a headline, anyway. If the Geelong Fucking Advertiser wrote up a story every time a Cats player had a run in with some piss-drunk moth at one of G-Town’s many shit night spots (really, are there any good ones?), there’d be no page space left for even Beirut’s present troubles. Headline: SHANNON BURNS ASKED FOR PROOF OF AGE: LOSES FIGHT WITH BOUNCER.
Captain: Funny, I didn’t think they asked for ID at the Charles Peel. Anyway, it’s not exactly foreign ground for the Collingwood boys, let me just run you through this years offences alone; Chris Tarrant and Ben Johnson in the afore mentioned brawl outside a Port Melbourne nightclub, Chad Morrison losing his licence for drink-driving, Dane Swan convicted of assault, Brodie Holland to answer assault charges later this year after beating a woman and Jason Cloke has been charged with fraud. It wouldn’t surprise me if Malthouse was in someway involved in organised crime; remember now, he did come from West Coast. He probably would have been better off punishing them and looking like a hard ass. I mean, they’re gonna get flogged anyway, may as well saddle up the ol’ high horse. Although, he does seem to ride pretty regularly these days.
Mrs. Watson: Fraud? What did he do, tell the Collingwood Football Club he could play football? Surely he knew he wasn’t smart enough to get away with fraud. Idiot! So, how do you see Geelong’s chances on the weekend, Captain? Me, I reckon they’ll make an embarrassment of the Lions in their own State. Hell, we beat the Bulldogs without Mooney. Why not the Lions?
Captain: Yeah, the Cloke thing was a joke but his old man should probably be legitimately charged; millions, for that trio of duds? That’s just plain robbery. Moving on, interesting to see Kingsley didn’t get back in; I guess we’ve seen the last of him in a Geelong jumper, which should come as a relief to, well, all Geelong fans. Or at least the drunk ones that we hang out with in the outer. As for Geelong’s chances, who fucking knows anymore? They’re as unpredictable as a drunken Mel Gibson. Oh well, at least we know why The Passion of the Christ was so anti-Semitic. Speaking of much anticipated arrivals, Tom Hawkins can’t get here soon enough; don’t be surprised to see him suited up for Round 1 2007.
Mrs Watson: Yep, ‘Tomahawk’ (or ‘Hatchet’, I haven’t decided yet) will be a very important edition. As for Kingsley, I don’t think Geelong should let him go. I say sign him up again, and just keep him in the VFL side as punishment for being such a fucking frustrating pansy of a footballer. Let him play his career out kicking goals he would have missed had he been selected in the AFL side. Keep him in Geelong just so I can throw a throbbing hot Balfour’s Original at the bastard as he’s waving his last goodbye in a few years time. It’ll be THE most offensive farewell gesture since you and I heckled Peter Street off K-Park in Round 22, 2003. And while we’re talking about the VFL side, I reckon the Cats can push for another VFL premiership this year. With the amount of AFL dropouts they can select from, I say we focus our attention on Tudor’s clan of semi-talented outcasts. The way they’re travelling, they’ll ultimately bring us a hell of a lot more joy than the shemozzle of a team Lips has got going around at the moment.
Captain: Agreed – about following the 2’s, about keeping Kent in the VFL, about scalding people with pies – the whole lot. We just need a convoluted nickname for Leigh Tudor to go along with ‘Hatchet’ Hawkins and ‘Con’ Prismall (Prisa-Prisoner-convict-con). How about something like, ‘Slug’? No reasoning behind it, it just seems to fit. I also think the Cats should be heavily involved in the trading period this off-season; unload a few of these bastards while they’re still got some value. Hell, with our new jail-house style we could even take on a few Collingwood boys. Oh, and I meant to ask, can you trade coaches?
Mrs. Watson: Only for 2nd hand Hanson Christmas albums, and dusty S Club 7 singles. I've got a scratched copy of Jimmy Barnes' Soul Deep which could probably get us something more like a center half-forward than Playfair. Maybe we could do this “Red Paperclip” style (http://oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com). We could start with something worth nothing, then trade our way up to something that remotely looks like a Premiership side. Anyone want a Charlie Gardiner? At the very least, Captain, we’d end up in a Corbin Bernsen production.
Out.
Captain: So, Chris Tarrant and Ben Johnson get fined but not dropped, because Malthouse says they’re good players. He’s as cagey as a shithouse rat, Old Mick. He anticipated the criticism and owned up to it before The Age sub-editors so much as thought of a catchy title for the obligatory ‘double standard/team discipline’ type article. Wallsy must be ropeable; that’s the easiest 2000 words he’d write all year.
Mrs. Watson: But is anyone really surprised by Mick’s statements? I mean, the Magpies are playing the Crows this weekend; what’s he going to do? Say, “Ok fellas, screw our top four chances, you guys need to be taught a lesson.” The man’s not a fuckin’ idiot! A lughead, sure, but not an idiot. To tell you the truth, I don’t really think what his players did even warrants a headline, anyway. If the Geelong Fucking Advertiser wrote up a story every time a Cats player had a run in with some piss-drunk moth at one of G-Town’s many shit night spots (really, are there any good ones?), there’d be no page space left for even Beirut’s present troubles. Headline: SHANNON BURNS ASKED FOR PROOF OF AGE: LOSES FIGHT WITH BOUNCER.
Captain: Funny, I didn’t think they asked for ID at the Charles Peel. Anyway, it’s not exactly foreign ground for the Collingwood boys, let me just run you through this years offences alone; Chris Tarrant and Ben Johnson in the afore mentioned brawl outside a Port Melbourne nightclub, Chad Morrison losing his licence for drink-driving, Dane Swan convicted of assault, Brodie Holland to answer assault charges later this year after beating a woman and Jason Cloke has been charged with fraud. It wouldn’t surprise me if Malthouse was in someway involved in organised crime; remember now, he did come from West Coast. He probably would have been better off punishing them and looking like a hard ass. I mean, they’re gonna get flogged anyway, may as well saddle up the ol’ high horse. Although, he does seem to ride pretty regularly these days.
Mrs. Watson: Fraud? What did he do, tell the Collingwood Football Club he could play football? Surely he knew he wasn’t smart enough to get away with fraud. Idiot! So, how do you see Geelong’s chances on the weekend, Captain? Me, I reckon they’ll make an embarrassment of the Lions in their own State. Hell, we beat the Bulldogs without Mooney. Why not the Lions?
Captain: Yeah, the Cloke thing was a joke but his old man should probably be legitimately charged; millions, for that trio of duds? That’s just plain robbery. Moving on, interesting to see Kingsley didn’t get back in; I guess we’ve seen the last of him in a Geelong jumper, which should come as a relief to, well, all Geelong fans. Or at least the drunk ones that we hang out with in the outer. As for Geelong’s chances, who fucking knows anymore? They’re as unpredictable as a drunken Mel Gibson. Oh well, at least we know why The Passion of the Christ was so anti-Semitic. Speaking of much anticipated arrivals, Tom Hawkins can’t get here soon enough; don’t be surprised to see him suited up for Round 1 2007.
Mrs Watson: Yep, ‘Tomahawk’ (or ‘Hatchet’, I haven’t decided yet) will be a very important edition. As for Kingsley, I don’t think Geelong should let him go. I say sign him up again, and just keep him in the VFL side as punishment for being such a fucking frustrating pansy of a footballer. Let him play his career out kicking goals he would have missed had he been selected in the AFL side. Keep him in Geelong just so I can throw a throbbing hot Balfour’s Original at the bastard as he’s waving his last goodbye in a few years time. It’ll be THE most offensive farewell gesture since you and I heckled Peter Street off K-Park in Round 22, 2003. And while we’re talking about the VFL side, I reckon the Cats can push for another VFL premiership this year. With the amount of AFL dropouts they can select from, I say we focus our attention on Tudor’s clan of semi-talented outcasts. The way they’re travelling, they’ll ultimately bring us a hell of a lot more joy than the shemozzle of a team Lips has got going around at the moment.
Captain: Agreed – about following the 2’s, about keeping Kent in the VFL, about scalding people with pies – the whole lot. We just need a convoluted nickname for Leigh Tudor to go along with ‘Hatchet’ Hawkins and ‘Con’ Prismall (Prisa-Prisoner-convict-con). How about something like, ‘Slug’? No reasoning behind it, it just seems to fit. I also think the Cats should be heavily involved in the trading period this off-season; unload a few of these bastards while they’re still got some value. Hell, with our new jail-house style we could even take on a few Collingwood boys. Oh, and I meant to ask, can you trade coaches?
Mrs. Watson: Only for 2nd hand Hanson Christmas albums, and dusty S Club 7 singles. I've got a scratched copy of Jimmy Barnes' Soul Deep which could probably get us something more like a center half-forward than Playfair. Maybe we could do this “Red Paperclip” style (http://oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com). We could start with something worth nothing, then trade our way up to something that remotely looks like a Premiership side. Anyone want a Charlie Gardiner? At the very least, Captain, we’d end up in a Corbin Bernsen production.
Out.
posted by mrs. watson at 1:22 pm
2 Comments:
Since we have two coaches with surnames starting with "T", what about big tool and little tool.Gives it that play school type influence that would seem appropriate for a bunch of underperforming kids.
(above comment posted by Jason Akamanis)
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