Goldspink's ménage-a-trios



Captain: So, what’s less surprising; Gardiner, drunk at the wheel and crashing his car, Akermanis doing everything but sleep with Lethal’s wife to get kicked out of Brisbane, or the report that Koschitzke produced a score of 3 out of 10 for peripheral awareness at the 2000 AFL draft camp? Personally I was just surprised that Gardiner drives a Commodore; seriously, do any AFL players have taste?

Mrs. Watson: I think these players should be involved in a three way trade of some sort. Gardiner should go to the Saints where Walnut Thomas could threaten him with “The Hamill Treatment” should he get out of line. Akermanis should go to Perth where apparently you can do whatever the fuck you want as long as you don’t leave enough evidence to be convicted. Hell, Jason could deal drugs, smack his wife up, or even join the mob if he wanted, as long as he wasn’t stupid enough not to flee his crime scenes he’d be right at home. Take a leaf from Cousins’ book Aker, and run, run like the wind! Poor old Koschitzke should go north to Brisbane where he can go Mal Michael style and just “take a week off” should he be feeling a bit iffy. Forget breakfast? Feeling nauseas? Oh, that’s alright, Justin, have a break, we weren’t going to win anyway. Just practice kicking over-enthusiastic rushed behinds instead. Hey, Captain, remember that James Kelly guy?

Captain: Vaguely. Geelong needs him to start doing something again. He goes missing more often than Carmen San Diego. If he pulls another one of those 8-possession games expect his body to turn up behind a dumpster in North Geelong somewhere, with Paul Koulouriotis having a water tight alibi. Seriously, is the VFL that bad? If he gets another 45 touches in the 2’s this week, I might consider pulling the boots back on. And I don’t know if there’s room in the Geelong forward line for both Matthew McCarthy and Henry Playfair; their combined level of co-ordination makes Richo look a frickin’ ballerina. Plus, we’re already carrying the self-proclaimed title holder Andrew Mackie. Brett Spinks must be turning is his grave.

Mrs. Watson: Well, let’s face it, both their days are numbered. Next year, The Toma-Hawkins Show begins, and early reviews describe it as fuckin’ action packed. I suppose we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves though, Darren Goldspink hasn’t got to him yet.

Captain: Firstly, you've already given him a nickname? Secondly, apologies to the Spinks family; Brett is apparently still alive, although it was hard to tell when he was in the Geelong forward line. And thirdly, umpires cop plenty of shit so they should be able to give some back. And Gary Jnr. can get a bit of the Shannon Noll’s (what about me?) when it comes to free kicks. I would just like it to make sense; “You're fucked. Where are you going to be in six months?” What does that mean? Is he talking about Chapman personally or the club in general? And what does that have to do with a potential free kick? It seems like a larger issue you’re discussing there, Darren. On the other hand, the media always takes these things out of context. Maybe he’s working two jobs and was just trying to drum up business. Perhaps the complete sentence went something like this; “You're fucked. Where are you going to be in six months? Have you ever thought about investing in time share?”

Mrs. Watson: That’s bullshit, Captain. Umpires don’t cop any direct insults from players, and if they do, they dish out 50 meter penalties. Sure, it’s true that Goldspink’s comments made little sense, but they were directed at Chapman himself, and were not about the free kick. Players don’t need that shit! It’s bad enough they have every decision explained to them in detail, whether they like it or not, while they’re waiting on the mark. It seems to me that Goldspink was probably hassled in school and now takes it out on the same jocks that used to give him Red Bellies during recess. The only difference is now they can’t bust out Chinese Burns or head slaps should he give them shit back. Umpires have no business opening their cakeholes at all as far as I’m concerned, that’s what all those gay hand signals are for. Goldspink, you’re a tool! You tipping the Cats against the Bulldogs, Captain? Or will you be too busy sipping imported beer and making small talk with the suits in the Medallion Club to see any of the game?

Captain: Don’t worry about the Medallion Club, if the McCarthy/Playfair forward line eventuates, I might just head straight to the Cougar Bar. Seems appropriate. (And remind me; how did they get the Eureka to Telstra Dome, again?) You’d think all those injuries have to catch up with the Doggies eventually. Let’s hope it’s this week. On the other hand, if the Western Bulldogs discover another skinny, fast, uber-fit kid who never misses a target, I’m going to go on a cross-country killing spree; do you know where James Kelly lives?

Mrs. Watson: Not sure right now, but my scouts tell me next year Flemington. Out.