'Egan' is not a dirty word, or, why Captain Feathersword?
You only have to stand in KP’s outer for five minutes to hear players being labelled all sorts of random, and seemingly senseless aliases. Hell, even our coach is now publicly referred to as ‘Lips’ (copyright Big League Little League), a nickname which has surpassed his previous nickname of ‘Bomber’, and gone to a whole new level of hilarity. But where do nicknames come from? And I’m not talking about those completely uncreative nicknames which are constructed simply by adding a vowel to the end of any surname. You know the ones: Ling=Linga, Ottens=Otto, Mrs Watson=Mrs. Watto (you get the drift). I’m talking about those slightly cleverer, sometimes strange and ridiculous nicknames which are brought out only after a little (or a lot of) thought (grog), and are often only recognised by those that are in on the joke.
In an effort to bring together some of my favourite nicknames for current Cats players, I've assembled a list. Now, how my friends and I came to nickname Essendon’s Scott Lucas, "Captain Feather-Sword", I can’t exactly remember, but rest assured it came to us in a moment of drunken brilliance; likewise, Brett Burton's new tag of 'Budgy', and many of the names on the list below. I can't take credit for most of them. Many were overheard, adjusted sligthly for comic effect, or just outright stolen, but were included in the hope that they will be used, circulated, and will eventually become relatively familiar amongst Cats' fans throughout the country. So, without further ado, the...
2006 (not so) Definitive Guide to GFC Player Nicknames
1. Jimmy ‘Tickets’ Bartel: Put simply, the guy has got HUGE tickets on himself, and no wonder: every time this pretty boy gets a touch, the ground’s female contingent either scream, faint, or throw their nanna undies onto the field. There’s a girl in a Bartel jumper who stands near my pack in the outer, at KP, who has obviously succumbed to the lure of ‘Tickets’’ man charm. Seriously, if Jimmy happens to find his way into our pocket of the ground during a game this girl loses fuckin’ control. She reminds me of those Beatles’ groupies who used to fork out three months pocket money to go to a concert, only to shriek like a fool the entire time. Get a grip, woman! No wonder ‘Tickets’ hides a vanity mirror in his football sock. Also known as: James, HiFi
2. Josh 'Smelly' Hunt: Watch the men in the crowd snigger in approval when you bust this old chestnut out. They might not get it at first, but just wait a few…sec…onds…and yes, you’ll be showered with praise in recognition of your wit, and also your guts in lowering the standard of humour to a whole new level of smut. Let me warn you though, if you do decide to give the ‘Smelly’ call a bit of a run, you can forget picking up that cute girl in the Geelong scarf in front of you. However, for a somewhat less offensive alternative, substitute ‘Smelly’ with ‘Mike’, and try your luck. Also know as: Laser
3. Shannon ‘Monty’ Burns: Sure, not an overly clever nickname but one which will earn you praise nevertheless, and it’s better than the generic ‘Burnsy’. Shannon actually bares a striking resemblance to the Simpson character’s younger self (pictured with Bobo), which makes the nickname just that little bit more legit. Also know as: a consistent kicker of points
4. Darren ‘Stillborn’ Milburn: Possibly the most offensive of all nicknames, ‘Stillborn’ is heard time and time again in the outer, and is usually followed by the loud sound of a group inhaling in disgust. I, for one, only bring this one out when I’m too far gone to worry about what those around me think. When sober, it’s neither clever nor funny (after all, it’s just a rhyming nickname), but for some reason when your shit faced, it becomes the smartest, wittiest thing you’ve EVER said. Use with caution, or use ‘Dasher’ instead.
5. Joel Corey ‘Haim’ & Corey ‘Feldman’ Enright: Not since ‘The Lost Boys’ have the Corey’s worked together so successfully. Ordinary on their own (see movies: Anything for Love, Snowboard Academy, Bikini Bandits etc, etc), but when acting as one unit these two midfielders are Hollywood gold! Expect a clichéd drug problem from these two footballers shortly, followed by a public falling out, a stint in rehab, and a string of unsuccessful comebacks. Also known as: Gory. Story. Allegory, Montessori…
6. Kane ‘Blackjack’ Tenace: While I’ve never heard this used, per se, the Captain came up with this beauty a few weeks back and I’ve been looking forward to giving it an airing ever since. Not immediately brilliant but think about it, Ten-Ace: Blackjack! My hats off, to you Captain, hats off. Also known as: Just Ace, or just, Ace
7. Cameron ‘Ladykiller’ Ling: The only person in Geelong that still hasn’t picked up at Lamby’s, the nickname is a bit of a dig at Ling’s inability to score a girl (not counting his sister) despite his status as an AFL footballer. Interestingly enough, ‘Ladykiller’ was voted 7th overall (I think) on the 2005 sexiest AFL footballer list. Surely this is a joke!? Surely!? Tension between ‘Tickets’ and ‘Ladykiller’ still exists because of Ling’s surprisingly high ranking. Also know as: Sheminator, Paddlepop Lion
8. Cam ‘The Hulk’ Mooney: Less the green skin and purple cargo pants, Cam Mooney IS the Hulk. C’mon, we’ve all seen it; within seconds, Mooney can go from a very handy utility to an absolute psychopath; from kicking a goal, to tearing a goal post from the turf and tossing it javelin style from one forward line to the other. Most of the time such behaviour just gets him suspended, but just knowing that Mooney could turn green at any moment is enough to make opponents think twice before stirring him up. Also known as: Money, The Good Mooney, That Gay Cowboy from Big Brother
9. Brad ‘Scumbag’ Ottens: While apparently called "Sex Fingers" by his team mates – he allegedly fucks anything he touches – I prefer to call the big man ‘Scumbag’. Called so by a Richmond supporter during his first game as a Cat, the nickname ‘Scumbag’ was then hi-jacked by us Geelong supporters after Ottens goaled during the first quarter. Kinda like the way ethnic Australians have used the derogative term, ‘Wog’, to describe themselves, hence rendering its original negative connotations ineffectual, Geelong fans have used ‘Scumbag’ as a show of support. Still, I wonder what happens when ‘Sex Fingers’ pets his dog, or hugs his Grandmother, for that matter. Sorry, someone had to ask. It might just explain that persistent groin injury. Also known as: more useful than King
10. Charlie ‘Don Burke’ Gardiner: The Gardiner/Don Burke link is an easy one to make, but is still a nickname that is sure to get your fellow supporters thinking. Using ‘Don Burke’ often gets you no response at all, but when people eventually click, you’re guaranteed a laugh. Another possible similarity: I’ve never seen Don play the game, but I’m pretty sure that if he did, he’d be just as shit as Charlie. Also known as: ‘The Constant’ Gardner, Green Thumb, eBay
11. Andrew ‘Puffer’ Mackie: On the same night my brother saw Henry Playfair wearing, quite seriously, a pair of orange pants at the George and Dragon, he also saw Andrew Mackie puffing away on a pack of Winfield Blues. Now, I don’t usually care what Cats players do in their spare time – Except you Kent! You should be fucking practicing! – but maintaining a pack a day smoking habit is unacceptable. No wonder you can’t get a kick after the 7 minute mark, ‘Puffer’, you’re not only out of breath, but you’re to busy sucking down the menthol you scammed from the cheer squad pre-game, to concentrate of taking a mark. Someone get this guy a nicotine patch, for fuck sake! Also known as: Smackie, Truck
12. Kent 'Fluffy' Kingsley: What can I say about Kent that hasn't been said already? Why is he called 'Fluffy'? Because he's soft, that's why! Stick a blue and white jumper on one of your little sister's soft toys, whack it in the Geelong forward line and watch it get knocked around, do nothing, then give up. That's Kent! Onya 'Fluffy'! Also known as: Kent of Kingsley, just plain frustrating.
13. Henry ‘The Octopus’ Playfair: Ok, so I get the Wiggles reference, but there's got to be more to it than that, doesn't there? Is it because he has long arms? Or because he’s about as cluey about football as an octopus might be? Henry sure is slow. I don’t use this nickname at all. Don’t like it. Use ‘H-Bomb’ instead. Also known as: Hank
14. Matt ‘Ego’ Egan: Named ‘Ego’, not for his expanding head size (see Tickets), but rather, for his lack of self-importance. Ego has proved himself an integral part of Geelong’s back line, taking countless tough marks each game, and remaining humble in his attitude despite much praise. Round these parts, "Egan! (is not a dirty word)". Also known as: Shirl, Skyhook, New Harley
Also worth a mention: David ‘Monica’ Wojcinski, Matthew Scarlett ‘Pimpernel’, and Stephen ‘Big Wheels’ King.
Out.
You only have to stand in KP’s outer for five minutes to hear players being labelled all sorts of random, and seemingly senseless aliases. Hell, even our coach is now publicly referred to as ‘Lips’ (copyright Big League Little League), a nickname which has surpassed his previous nickname of ‘Bomber’, and gone to a whole new level of hilarity. But where do nicknames come from? And I’m not talking about those completely uncreative nicknames which are constructed simply by adding a vowel to the end of any surname. You know the ones: Ling=Linga, Ottens=Otto, Mrs Watson=Mrs. Watto (you get the drift). I’m talking about those slightly cleverer, sometimes strange and ridiculous nicknames which are brought out only after a little (or a lot of) thought (grog), and are often only recognised by those that are in on the joke.
In an effort to bring together some of my favourite nicknames for current Cats players, I've assembled a list. Now, how my friends and I came to nickname Essendon’s Scott Lucas, "Captain Feather-Sword", I can’t exactly remember, but rest assured it came to us in a moment of drunken brilliance; likewise, Brett Burton's new tag of 'Budgy', and many of the names on the list below. I can't take credit for most of them. Many were overheard, adjusted sligthly for comic effect, or just outright stolen, but were included in the hope that they will be used, circulated, and will eventually become relatively familiar amongst Cats' fans throughout the country. So, without further ado, the...
2006 (not so) Definitive Guide to GFC Player Nicknames
1. Jimmy ‘Tickets’ Bartel: Put simply, the guy has got HUGE tickets on himself, and no wonder: every time this pretty boy gets a touch, the ground’s female contingent either scream, faint, or throw their nanna undies onto the field. There’s a girl in a Bartel jumper who stands near my pack in the outer, at KP, who has obviously succumbed to the lure of ‘Tickets’’ man charm. Seriously, if Jimmy happens to find his way into our pocket of the ground during a game this girl loses fuckin’ control. She reminds me of those Beatles’ groupies who used to fork out three months pocket money to go to a concert, only to shriek like a fool the entire time. Get a grip, woman! No wonder ‘Tickets’ hides a vanity mirror in his football sock. Also known as: James, HiFi
2. Josh 'Smelly' Hunt: Watch the men in the crowd snigger in approval when you bust this old chestnut out. They might not get it at first, but just wait a few…sec…onds…and yes, you’ll be showered with praise in recognition of your wit, and also your guts in lowering the standard of humour to a whole new level of smut. Let me warn you though, if you do decide to give the ‘Smelly’ call a bit of a run, you can forget picking up that cute girl in the Geelong scarf in front of you. However, for a somewhat less offensive alternative, substitute ‘Smelly’ with ‘Mike’, and try your luck. Also know as: Laser
3. Shannon ‘Monty’ Burns: Sure, not an overly clever nickname but one which will earn you praise nevertheless, and it’s better than the generic ‘Burnsy’. Shannon actually bares a striking resemblance to the Simpson character’s younger self (pictured with Bobo), which makes the nickname just that little bit more legit. Also know as: a consistent kicker of points
4. Darren ‘Stillborn’ Milburn: Possibly the most offensive of all nicknames, ‘Stillborn’ is heard time and time again in the outer, and is usually followed by the loud sound of a group inhaling in disgust. I, for one, only bring this one out when I’m too far gone to worry about what those around me think. When sober, it’s neither clever nor funny (after all, it’s just a rhyming nickname), but for some reason when your shit faced, it becomes the smartest, wittiest thing you’ve EVER said. Use with caution, or use ‘Dasher’ instead.
5. Joel Corey ‘Haim’ & Corey ‘Feldman’ Enright: Not since ‘The Lost Boys’ have the Corey’s worked together so successfully. Ordinary on their own (see movies: Anything for Love, Snowboard Academy, Bikini Bandits etc, etc), but when acting as one unit these two midfielders are Hollywood gold! Expect a clichéd drug problem from these two footballers shortly, followed by a public falling out, a stint in rehab, and a string of unsuccessful comebacks. Also known as: Gory. Story. Allegory, Montessori…
6. Kane ‘Blackjack’ Tenace: While I’ve never heard this used, per se, the Captain came up with this beauty a few weeks back and I’ve been looking forward to giving it an airing ever since. Not immediately brilliant but think about it, Ten-Ace: Blackjack! My hats off, to you Captain, hats off. Also known as: Just Ace, or just, Ace
7. Cameron ‘Ladykiller’ Ling: The only person in Geelong that still hasn’t picked up at Lamby’s, the nickname is a bit of a dig at Ling’s inability to score a girl (not counting his sister) despite his status as an AFL footballer. Interestingly enough, ‘Ladykiller’ was voted 7th overall (I think) on the 2005 sexiest AFL footballer list. Surely this is a joke!? Surely!? Tension between ‘Tickets’ and ‘Ladykiller’ still exists because of Ling’s surprisingly high ranking. Also know as: Sheminator, Paddlepop Lion
8. Cam ‘The Hulk’ Mooney: Less the green skin and purple cargo pants, Cam Mooney IS the Hulk. C’mon, we’ve all seen it; within seconds, Mooney can go from a very handy utility to an absolute psychopath; from kicking a goal, to tearing a goal post from the turf and tossing it javelin style from one forward line to the other. Most of the time such behaviour just gets him suspended, but just knowing that Mooney could turn green at any moment is enough to make opponents think twice before stirring him up. Also known as: Money, The Good Mooney, That Gay Cowboy from Big Brother
9. Brad ‘Scumbag’ Ottens: While apparently called "Sex Fingers" by his team mates – he allegedly fucks anything he touches – I prefer to call the big man ‘Scumbag’. Called so by a Richmond supporter during his first game as a Cat, the nickname ‘Scumbag’ was then hi-jacked by us Geelong supporters after Ottens goaled during the first quarter. Kinda like the way ethnic Australians have used the derogative term, ‘Wog’, to describe themselves, hence rendering its original negative connotations ineffectual, Geelong fans have used ‘Scumbag’ as a show of support. Still, I wonder what happens when ‘Sex Fingers’ pets his dog, or hugs his Grandmother, for that matter. Sorry, someone had to ask. It might just explain that persistent groin injury. Also known as: more useful than King
10. Charlie ‘Don Burke’ Gardiner: The Gardiner/Don Burke link is an easy one to make, but is still a nickname that is sure to get your fellow supporters thinking. Using ‘Don Burke’ often gets you no response at all, but when people eventually click, you’re guaranteed a laugh. Another possible similarity: I’ve never seen Don play the game, but I’m pretty sure that if he did, he’d be just as shit as Charlie. Also known as: ‘The Constant’ Gardner, Green Thumb, eBay
11. Andrew ‘Puffer’ Mackie: On the same night my brother saw Henry Playfair wearing, quite seriously, a pair of orange pants at the George and Dragon, he also saw Andrew Mackie puffing away on a pack of Winfield Blues. Now, I don’t usually care what Cats players do in their spare time – Except you Kent! You should be fucking practicing! – but maintaining a pack a day smoking habit is unacceptable. No wonder you can’t get a kick after the 7 minute mark, ‘Puffer’, you’re not only out of breath, but you’re to busy sucking down the menthol you scammed from the cheer squad pre-game, to concentrate of taking a mark. Someone get this guy a nicotine patch, for fuck sake! Also known as: Smackie, Truck
12. Kent 'Fluffy' Kingsley: What can I say about Kent that hasn't been said already? Why is he called 'Fluffy'? Because he's soft, that's why! Stick a blue and white jumper on one of your little sister's soft toys, whack it in the Geelong forward line and watch it get knocked around, do nothing, then give up. That's Kent! Onya 'Fluffy'! Also known as: Kent of Kingsley, just plain frustrating.
13. Henry ‘The Octopus’ Playfair: Ok, so I get the Wiggles reference, but there's got to be more to it than that, doesn't there? Is it because he has long arms? Or because he’s about as cluey about football as an octopus might be? Henry sure is slow. I don’t use this nickname at all. Don’t like it. Use ‘H-Bomb’ instead. Also known as: Hank
14. Matt ‘Ego’ Egan: Named ‘Ego’, not for his expanding head size (see Tickets), but rather, for his lack of self-importance. Ego has proved himself an integral part of Geelong’s back line, taking countless tough marks each game, and remaining humble in his attitude despite much praise. Round these parts, "Egan! (is not a dirty word)". Also known as: Shirl, Skyhook, New Harley
Also worth a mention: David ‘Monica’ Wojcinski, Matthew Scarlett ‘Pimpernel’, and Stephen ‘Big Wheels’ King.
Out.
posted by mrs. watson at 12:26 pm
10 Comments:
We were also considering 'Dracula' for Matthew Stokes: Stokes-Stoker-Bram Stoker-Dracula. Get it? It's a stretch, we know, but hey; you got anything better?
How about "different" for Matthew Stokes, as in different strokes, does he have a drug addiction yet? or spookie dokes, you know those crap things you used to put on your bmx wheels? I don't even know the guy...on another note why kind of salty seadogs does captain feathersword ride with, their captain has a feather for a sword for godsake!
Matthew 'Different' Stokes!? Tee, you genius, it's official. Gold!
Cats PJ's:
Firstly, that's technically 3 questions, but I only understand two of them, so we'll let that slide.
Not sure if Kent is technically a millionaire, but he has apparently done quite well out of a few business ventures including a stocks, internet and a juice bar... I fucking hate juice bars... And he is part owner of the George & Dragon Hotel along with Steven King and Matty Scarlett. Mrs. Watson is the G & D expert, however...
And that's TEX who suggested 'Different' Stokes, Mrs. Watson, not TEE. Perhaps we could call Stokes "Arnold", or "Willis". I'm reaching again...
How about Mr Drummond? The old man was called Phil Drummond.
There was a little white kid who was introduced in one of the last few seasons. What was his name? Man, that freak was annoying.
How about 'Junkstats' for Cameron Ling? Has there ever been a more useless player that is so valuable for a Dreamteam side?
How about some other teams players? Like the one Mrs. Watson recently inadvertently created, Nathan 'House MD' Brown. Or a personal favourite of mine, Paul 'Enter the 36' Chambers... How 'bout Stephen 'Roofie' Milne?
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