Crime & Punishment: a conversation

Captain: See Brodie Holland in the paper today for punching a woman over a cab? I don’t know where to start with that one. Apparently she got in first, Holland’s girlfriends’ friend tried to steal it, that escalated into a cat fight, Holland grabbed the woman in a headlock, while the two ladies layed into her mind you, she bit him and he snotted her. It was deemed high contact, reckless and behind the play. Cheap shot. Actually, he's probably lucky it wasn’t on the field; if Richie Vandenberg got 4 weeks for that elbow on Robbo, Holland would be out for 6. But with our legal system's bias towards athletes he’ll escape with a punishment of having to do 'Dancing With the Stars 2'. Fucking asshole football players.

Mrs. Watson: Geez, just for stealing a taxi. Imagine what he'd do to someone pushing in line at the tanning salon. Excellent point you raised there though, Captain. Why is it that when football jerks get caught speeding, drink driving, punching women, or organising illegal cock fights, they're left to face only what their club wants to dish out; when does the law step in? Now I know why the game is so popular. Apparently if you can get yourself drafted to Collingwood you're immune to criminal charges of any kind. Fuck it, why stop at drink driving, or violence against women? Why aren’t footballers taking the families of umpires hostage? “If you call one more ridiculous 50 meter penalty, McLaren, I’ll remove the kid’s thumbs with a Stanley knife.” A bit harsh? Yes. But if you can make the firsts at any AFL club, apparently such behaviour is in no way illegal.

Captain: You may be onto something there, Mrs. Watson, but lets take it to its natural conclusion, that is, transgressing the law purely to further your football career: Collingwood utility Dane Swann in the paper today, and I quote, “I have got a criminal record, which is obviously not a good thing, but football-wise it was probably the best thing that happened.” See, I always thought it went; become a footballer, belt someone, get away with it. When really, it goes; belt someone, get away with it, become a footballer. It’s like a rite of passage thing. At Collingwood, however, it goes; appear on reality TV show, belt a woman, possess an IQ lower than neck size, charge straight to the top of the ladder. Incredible. Can I keep going? I feel a pattern developing here. Collingwood with woman beating Holland, crim Dane Swann and drink-driver Chad Morrison are 2nd on the ladder. Who’s leading them? Only West Coast of course, with Mafioso Gardiner, wife beating Sampi and police evading, drug mule Cousins. Now we know why Andrew Mackie is back this week! I feel like Columbus, just strolling out onto the deck one day and happening to spot America.

Mrs. Watson: You think Mackie is enough to save us?

Captain: It may take a bit more than the self proclaimed title-holder, but with Steven King sticking to his ‘one week in-two weeks out’ routine, at least they spared us Mark Blake. Monty Byrnes has been included however, as has Monica Wojincski; I like our chances, you?

Mrs. Watson: Hmmm, do I like our chances? How should I point this?...No fucking way! Richmond beat Adelaide last week playing piggy-in-the-middle with an in form Crows side, while Geelong got publicly fist fucked by a pack of overconfident deroes. Tomorrow’s game also promises to be one of the ugliest games all season. Expect all the backs on the ground to rack up huge possession stats, as both teams’ll be kicking backwards for most of the day. I also noticed your man Fluffy Kingsley is getting another go, Captain. What a joke! Oh, and don’t expect me to be backing James Kelly for first goal again this week, either. Sheesh!

Captain: Alright, alright, so you’re not too confident; no need for the Brian Taylor-esque personal attack. I think one of these weeks we should tackle a ‘Geelong’s best 22’ type of blog. And that reminds me, where will Gaz Jnr line up this week and where are they going to hide Josh Hunt? Surely there is a better way to utilize one of the longest kicks in the league.

Mrs. Watson: I’m glad you said “kicks”, just then, Captain. Poor old Smelly Hunt, hey, what do we do with him? It’s obvious that when asked to be closely accountable for an opposition forward, he can’t handle it, but he seems to be getting it a bit himself. I say try him out up the ground a little. He can’t get any worse. I blame the whole “Nick Davis” event of last season for his recent demise into super-shitness. Did anyone else see Mooney whisper in Hunt’s ear towards the end of that Sydney final? “Yes, Josh, that’s your man who’s just kicked the last two goals. Can you please man up for a few seconds, we wouldn’t want him to kick a third. That would end our season, Josh.” He still hasn’t quite recovered, has he? Well, Josh, neither have I, you asshole! As for Gablett, I still don’t see how bringing him closer to the ruck contest will free him from taggers. But let’s not have that argument again, Captain. What about tonight? Bulldogs or Pies?

Captain: I think Collingwood. As they say, you can’t teach height, plus, they beat Geelong by 100 points last week and I aint tipping against a team that has seen the inside of a courtroom more times than Natasha Ablett [Thanks Mrs. Watson]. If one of the Clokes serves time during the season, they’re certainties for the flag.