Annoying small forwards, or, the Matthew Robbins corollary

Let me set the scene: Friday night football, a misty Telstra Dome, early in the fourth quarter and Geelong nursing what would normally be a comfortable lead. Events of recent weeks had shown us, however, that there is no such as a comfortable lead with this team. Enter Steve Johnson. Hardly taking possession of the ball, he guides it, one-handed, onto the outside of his right boot and bananas through the sealer. “How’d he do that?,” comes from the mouth of my viewing companion, and simultaneously, from the mouth of Johnson’s opponent. Well, I answer them both, and to some extent myself, that’s Steve Johnson for you; he’s our Matthew Robbins. And thus the Matthew Robbins corollary is born:

1. Every team must have at least one forward line player who;
a) gets cheap free kicks and gets away with dirty and/or sneaky play, all while constantly appealing for free kicks;
b) kicks cheap goals, e.g. receiving a handpass in the goal square, or when his team is leading or trailing by at least 40 points;
c) over celebrates, often with little reaction from obviously unimpressed team-mates;
d) on the rare occasion manages to pop-up and kick a back-breaking goal, often prompting opposition supporters to respond, ‘anyone but him!’

Here we go, team by team, alphabetically;

Adelaide: Brett Burton
Without doubt Mrs. Watson’s most hated of players, the budgie leads the league in ‘denied high fives by team-mates’ and would probably captain the all-ugly team if it wasn’t for Linga. [Grrrrrrrrr! – Mrs. Watson]

Brisbane: Jason Akermanis
Although Tim Notting seems to get himself into excellent ‘handball over the top’ territory, and Ash McGrath is improving in this area all the time, Aker still tops the ‘anyone but him’ stakes. (By the way, did you see that goal he kicked on the weekend, when he turned and asked the crowd, ‘did you see that?’ I love that shit.)

Carlton: Matthew Lappin
There’s a few contenders here; Eddie Betts, Brad Fisher and Heath Scotland, but in the forward 50 no-one’s voice is louder than Lappin’s.

Collingwood: Alan Didak
Has elevated his game to a new level by kicking his opponents this year. When he’s lining up for goal I wish you could bet on things like, ‘Didak to play on and try to take on the man on the mark’.

Essendon: Scott Lucas
Probably a controversial choice as he’s more a key position forward, but gets in because every time he has the ball he is guaranteed to have a shot for goal. Must be great playing with him.

Fremantle: Jeff Farmer/Paul Medhurst (tie)
Two of the very best here, so good, in fact, that this column was almost dedicated to Jeff Farmer… under a bus. (Are you still into it?)

Geelong: Steve Johnson
Johnson possesses all the classic qualities you look for, plus has the right amount of, I believe the correct term is, tin-ass.

Hawthorn: Ben Dixon
I seem to have lost my venom for Brent Guerra now he has hair.

Kangaroos: Corey Jones
Another one of Mrs. Watson’s favourites, it must be noted that Leigh Harding put up a strong fight to be named here but we aren’t considering reserves players.

Melbourne: Aaron Davey
I really wanted to put Russell Robertson here, but unfortunately I could not ignore the league leading amount of ‘free kicks that weren’t really there’ paid to Davey.

Port Adelaide: Brett Ebert
As you’d imagine, the Burgoyne bros. were close but ultimately edged out by Ebert because he looks like the victim of bad plastic surgery… or a stroke.

Richmond: Kane Pettifer
It might be the un-coordinated kicking action, the constant pushing in the back, or an affinity for dribbling goals along the ground, but anyone who can gain this honour in the shadow of Richo, Metro and Krakour etc is doing something very, very wrong.

St.Kilda: Stephen Milne
Who else, but the famous (alleged) date rapist himself? Yep, Rohypnol Milne is in the Didak class when it comes to running around the man on the mark and screaming for the handpass when his team-mate is 15m out.

Sydney: Nick Davis
With Adam Schneider, Amon Buchanon, Michael O’Loughlin, Ryan O’Keefe and even Adam Goodes, it’s just an absolute smorgasbord in the harbour town. I couldn’t go past Davis, however, for obvious reasons. Smug prick.

West Coast: Andrew Embley
Still hurting from the retirement of the second ugliest Matera , Phil, West Coast are lacking a little on this department. Andrew Embley looks like the kinda guy who would pay for a round so he could try to pick up your girlfriend while you're at the bar. Adam Hunter also came to mind with his 80’s hair and permanent blank look, which could indicate steely concentration or the fact that he’s just a moron. I know which one my money’s on.

Western Bulldogs: Matthew Robbins
On a team that fields what seems like 22 annoying, over-rated half forward flankers every week, Robbins still manages to stand out. Managing to squeeze football around a busy schedule of waxing and tanning, Robbins, along with the Budgie, has taken the ‘leaping too early for a mark’ phenomenon to new heights, and has the ‘I haven’t got it’ arms out appeal for a free kick down to a fine art.