Zeroes & Ones: A Counterpoint, or, Dog’s Ass Theory

Preface

After only a few months of blogging here at Big League, Little League, it seems two separate, and very distinct football voices have emerged. As the Captain’s blog from a few days ago confirms, his calm, rational, common sense posts often act as a perfect balance to my irrational, sometimes angry and preposterous proclamations of know-it-all-edness. Now I’m happy that some of you Big Leaguers feel the need to hold me to my completely ridiculous AFL predictions, but please know that if you do, you’re missing the point. My job round here is to speak shit. It’s not to correctly predict the outcome of games, or the form of teams; it’s simply to be as outlandish as possible, and to hopefully get a few laughs while making a few good points at the same time. I’m sure if you’ve read some of my better posts on this blog, you’ll understand what I’m talking about. So before you point out how wrong I’ve been, or how little I know about football, consider the fact that you’re not in on the joke. If I need any confirmation of my own relative clueless-ness, I’ve got a very fucking unflattering football tipping record to do that. To everyone else, keep up the comments.

So, without further ado, let the bullshit continue…



So, Kent’s been given the ass. I think everyone will agree with me when I say, “Thank Christ for that,” but what’s more confusing than seeing Jarred Rooke driving a late 80s model silver Laser yesterday, is why in the heck wasn’t Fluffy dropped three years ago. I can already hear his supporters screaming, “but he kicked 57 goals last year, which is more than anyone else on the side.” But what I say in direct response to such piddle is this: “just 57!?” Kent’s been our leading goal scorer for the past four seasons, including 2003 when he kicked just 33 goals, but these statistics aren’t enough to warrant his consistent inclusion in the Geelong squad. Is 33, or even 57 goals something for a so-called full forward to be proud of? Shit no! But it’s something the Cats have settled for, and for too long.

Now, if you know me, then you’ll also know that I’ve never been a fan of Kent. To me, the guy’s never acted like a full forward, or even a footballer, really. And why would he? The guy’s a millionaire; he’s got no motivation to perform. I’m not saying he doesn’t try, after all, no-one’s forcing him to play, but what I’m suggesting is subconsciously, Kent doesn’t really care. To me, after making his fortune, football seems more like a way of staying fit, for Fluffy, than it does a true passion. This all sounds a little harsh I know, but I really don’t blame Kent. I mean, it’s not his fault he keeps getting picked.

Now, let’s talk about last week shall we. I was there, underneath the score board, with my lucky blue Cons on, confident of victory. In my opinion, it was a game we could have and should have won. Now, Captain, while I agree with you that post-game, all that really exists is a tick (a 1) or a cross (a 0), where I disagree, is when any conclusions can’t be drawn from these numbers. In my opinion, these binary results all add up. Please, allow me to misinterpret your theory further…

While at the heart of the binary system is the number 1, and 0, things only get done when very complex variations of these two digits are interpreted. If computers ran on just a 1, or just a 0, I don’t think we would have even made it to the development of games like Pitfall, or Mrs. Pacman, let alone to the stage where I can watch high definition porn at work. A computer draws conclusions from long strings of these numbers, much like we as football supporters do. Now, if wins are represented by 1s, and losses 0s, then Geelong’s recent history going into last weeks game would have looked something like this: 1010101111111011111100010. Not a terribly flattering set of numbers, mind you, but when set against Richmond’s own string of binary code, which might have looked something like this: 000000000000000000001, you can see why most of G-town would have been fuckin’ confident of a victory. On a week to week basis, sure, a 1 or a 0, can have little or no meaning, but statistics, ladders, or educated guesses, as we know, aren’t based on single digits.

Predictions based on statistics aren’t always right however, and so teams like Geelong sometimes lose to teams like Richmond, but usually not. This is why I think the Captain has decided to put aside his ridiculous superstitions this week, and go to the Eagles game at KP. It’s because tomorrow, the sun’s rays might even shine on a Cat’s ass. It’d be a nice change.

West Coast by 50pts.

Out.