2006 AFL Season Preview, Pt. 4: With a Sniff

And here we are, the final four (well, almost).

West Coast

Captain: I get the feeling that Pablo Escobar’s favourite team is going to slip this year: The off-field incidents, the injuries, the fact that Michael Gardiner is still on the list… I could go on… and I will. Their forward line was horrible last year, and they’ve lost their leading goal-kicker, Phil Matera, and now it’s being reported that John Worsfold is losing his shit, apparently charging some 70 metres to call a group of reporters ‘spastics’. Very PC there, ‘Woosha’. Maybe he’s on the gear as well, after all, he is a pharmacist, and no-one needs that many packets of Sudafed. Does anyone know if the TAB offers odds on things like “John Worsfold to physically assault Andrew Embley before round 4”? (5th)

Mrs. Watson: The Eagles aren’t spastic. They’re anything but spastic. They’re the opposite of spastic, if you will. Un-spastic. A little more spastic than they were last year, but still not all the way spastic. Spastic. 11 teams of spazzoes and a team of retards will do worse than West Coast this year. A good back line won’t be bothered too much by the Eagles’ spastic forward line, but they’ll win their share. (4th)

Sydney

Captain: The most boring premiers since, well, colour television, the only reason I’ve got them this high is because they play half their games at the ‘fun-size’ SCG where their coma inducing style of play is so effective. Plus, the league will give them another bullshit run with a fairy floss draw, (their first 3 games in Melbourne are against Carlton, Essendon and Richmond) ridiculous tribunal let-offs and continued leniency from the umpires and time-keepers. (3rd)

Mrs. Watson: I don’t think Sydney will make the top 4. That makes me happy. Paul Roos is a chop whose team got lucky one year and got itself an AFL Premiership. Let’s be honest, they were never really Premiership material anyway. Leo Barry, mark of the year? Please, don’t insult me. And don’t get me started on Adam Goodes’ Brownlow medal. Worst fucking day of my life! Brownlows, Premierships, favourable tribunal decisions, mark of the year honours, when will the hand outs end!? Sure, they have to live in Sydney, the 2nd biggest craphole in Australia (second only to Wagga Wagga Wagga), but for the love of God, quit it with the charity already. Let’s at least make them work for it this year. Sheesh! And can someone in the Swans camp please tell me where I can get some of those candy cane socks? My sister wants a pair, thanks. (5th)

Geelong

Captain: Did you ever see someone you vaguely knew as you were walking, and as you were about to pass each other you start to over think it, and all these questions start to arise, ‘should I say something? What if they don’t say anything? Should I just smile and nod? What if they’ve forgotten me? Should I pretend I didn’t see them? Should I stop and chat?’ And so you decide to pretend you never saw them, but you can’t resist a peek, to see what they decided on, and then they say ‘how are you?’ and you begin to respond but they just keep walking, never really wanting a response so your words just kind of tail off on the breeze, ‘yeah, I’m… pretty good… actually…’ and so you end up feeling worse than if you had said hello and they completely ignored you? Has that ever happened to you? (I’m that confident that Geelong will finish top 4 that I thought I’d use this paragraph to share my idiotic insecurities). (2nd)

Mrs. Watson: I quite like Geelong. Good team. They'll do alright. (2nd)

Adelaide

Captain: The Crows are gonna be tough this year; (which makes the Cats’ NAB cup win all the more impressive) great defence, good coach, good midfield and an impressive array of fanatical, bogan supporters. They maybe lack a bit of firepower up forward but, similar to Geelong, they spread the load offensively and have some promising key position guys in Trent ‘Potential’ Henschel and Ken ‘Pot-head’ McGregor. They have enough experience to know how to travel and win big games, and Neil Craig has everyone thinking it’s his sports science background that has turned them around, when, really, he’s probably just flogged the shit out of them on the track. Experienced but not yet old, hard-hitting but also skilful, well-coached and tough at home; what’s not to like? (1st)

Mrs. Watson: Poor old Gary Ayres. Almost coaches this team to a wooden spoon, then 18 months later Neil Craig is coaching almost the exact same team to first spot on the ladder. Every team Ayres takes over ends up the laughing stock of the league. But if you ask me (and why wouldn’t you?), there’s nothing all that special about Craigey-boy anyway; the players just like him more than they liked Coach Mullet, and fair enough too. Neil Craig is no coaching wizard. He’s not fuckin’ Merlin, alright! He hasn’t consulted the book of black arts to get this team winning, they’re just good anyway, and they prefer their new coach’s hair style. And while I’m here, coach, answer me this: what’s your first name, anyway: Neil or Craig? Just choose one, I’m sick of it! (1st)