Round 11: Coughlin’s Law

Since Mrs Watson is a late apology, and I’m completely uninformed about this week’s games, here’s some gambling (or tipping) advice based on one of my favourite running movie themes; “Coughlin’s Law”. That’s right, I’m going to ask you to part with your hard-earned based on a set of laws propounded by a fictional film character who eventually ends up in such massive debt that he kills himself. Good times.

1. Something different is always something better.
There’s always at least one ‘upset’ each round, so don’t be afraid to go against the odds or Mike Sheehan’s awful, awful tipping. Go against teams who have over-inflated expectations, teams who over-performed last season or those who have had a soft run over the last four rounds. And when in doubt, try and imagine Tom Cruise and Bryan Brown arguing about it and take Bryan’s side.

2. Bury the dead they stink up the place.
Stay away from teams who are out of finals contention, they have nothing to play for. This goes double for late in the season when full tank mode is on. Richmond, I’m looking at you. (Speaking of the dead, is there any program in place where registered organ donors could potentially donate a hamstring to Tom Harley? Are we sure this isn’t why Max Rooke went to Germany? Is that why he had to change his name?)

3. Never show surprise, never lose your cool.
Look, the thing about punting (or publishing your tips on a website for all 7 of your international readers to see) is that you’re gonna get some wrong, or, in Mrs Watson’s case, a lot wrong. But what do you do when fall off the horse? (Besides humanely putting it down, grinding it up and making glue) You get right back on that bastard. Stick to your guns. And don’t be fooled by late week media rubbish; you already know who the better team is, so why listen to David Scwharz at 4pm Friday arvo on SEN talk about some late mail he’s just heard? This is the same man who once dropped 20K on a completely random Sydney-to-Hobart yacht and who early last week thought Essendon was “really taking it up to Geelong”.

4. Never tell tales about a woman. No matter how far away she is she’ll always hear you.
Don’t big note yourself when you pull one out your ass. Take it from Terry Wallace, who has just given the most inglorious press conference I’ve ever seen. It was like a grade 4 kid making excuses to the principal; “yeah the buck stops with me BUT what about the recruiters? Yeah, I did most of the recruiting BUT how about those Western Bulldogs that I built? Oh, and who put Matthew Richardson on the wing, huh?” Jesus, Terry, let it go. I’ve heard German prison guards who sounded more convincing.

5. All things end badly, or else they wouldn’t end.
This applies to winning streaks, records, hot gambling runs, any night that involves multiple shots of chartreuse, apparently Tim Rogers’ song-writing ability, Seinfeld, the whole ‘friend’s with benefits’ idea, and, unfortunately, the 2008 AFL finals series. (By the way, what a great line, turned into an instant classic by Bryan Brown’s completely over the top delivery. And while we’re here, do you remember the scene where Tom Cruise gives the “I am the world’s last barman/poet” speech? Has any recent film scene dated worse than that? I mean, I remember cringing a little at the time, but watching it now I keep hoping for Coughlin to pull Tom off the bar and give him the whole, “Maybe you should take it easy, Champ, stop talking for a while” bit. Hell, at least Bryan Brown was drunk for half the film.)


Captain: WB, StK, Bris, PA, Adel, Haw, Geel, Coll.
Season Tally: 60-20

Mrs Watson: WB, StK, Carl, PA, Adel, Haw, WC, Coll.
Season Tally: 49-31

Julia Gillard might as well face it, she’s addicted to love.
Season Tally: 50-30