Fitter, happier

I think it’s fair to say that so far this season Geelong has failed to live up to expectations, in fact, it wouldn’t be going too far to say that they have fallen a long way fucking short of expectations. But I guess that’s the thing about expectations, very rarely does anything live up to them. To get lost in the hype of where one team stands as opposed to the others, and what would be a reasonable return in terms of wins and losses for the season, is dangerous business, for in this ever empirical, increasingly binary world of ours there is no such thing as should; there is only 1 and 0, or 1 and not 1.

It’s a very simple idea; the only games you should have won, are the ones you did win. You can never say, “We deserved to win that game,” if, in actuality, you did not win. It’s a retro-active concept; that is, applied after the fact. So, after 9 games this year we can safely say Geelong should have won 3 of those, which they have. Hopefully that much is obvious.

Here is where it gets a bit curly. Purely in binary terms, Geelong’s remaining games will be either wins or losses. No other meaning or value can be applied to them. There will not be games they should have won. There will not be games they could have won. Remember, 1 or 0. This is the only value that will be applied to each game, and only after the fact: Much like Schrödinger’s Cat, the remaining matches are simultaneously wins and losses.

This season Collingwood have been performing well above popular expectation, and therefore make for an interesting case study. Last year they finished the season in 15th place, one spot above wooden spooners Carlton. This season, so far, they have lost only twice, to Adelaide and West Coast, and currently sit 2nd on the ladder. They are undoubtedly playing good football, but where has the improvement come from? How are they suddenly a 10 goal better side than last season? (And for those of you who quickly answered, injuries, or lack thereof, that is but one small aspect. Geelong’s injury list was comparable, if not longer than Collingwood’s last year, yet when they met this year, both at full strength, Collingwood won by 102 points.)

Commentators and so-called football ‘experts’ struggle to adequately explain, or avoid all together, the quantifiable differences between winning and losing teams, and instead point to abstract concepts such as confidence and belief as the difference; tell me, how can the collective consciousness of a rotating group of 22 men be so simply and categorically stated, let alone measured?

Changing tack now, when’s the best time to bet on AFL matches? The first 4 rounds of any season. Why? Because the bookmakers, like the rest of us, have no idea how good or bad any particular team is. Sure, they have expectations; after all, that is how they frame a market. But it is also what makes them fallible, as evidenced by the big odds payed out in the Geelong v Hawthorn game Round 3, and Brisbane v Richmond in Round 4.

Flashback, March 21st 2005: Sydney, the eventual AFL premiers, are quoted by Centrebet as an 18-1 chance to win the flag that year. Carlton, who would finish last, is 14-1.

Let me ask you this; everyone wants, and likes the idea of an even competition, but do you think we will ever see a season where every team finishes with 11 wins and 11 losses, with ladder positions being assessed purely on percentage? Why not? Surely that is what the draft and salary capping is aimed at, complete parity. Would that be a great season, or a terrible season? Who would be the premiership favourite then?

This year Centrebet currently has more money invested on Paul Roos’ boys to finish last in 2006 than them making it back-to-back flags. Veteran Centrebet bookmaker Gerard Daffy; “It's unprecedented, unheard of, in any code. We have had more bets on Carlton and Hawthorn winning the flag than we’ve had on Sydney.” Madness or genius?

So, what am I driving at here, what is at the crux, at the heart of this series of seemingly connected questions that I have offered you? Where is this trail of bread crumbs leading you: to the safety of Grandma (a neat conclusion), or the peril of the big, bad wolf (chaos and uncertainty)?

The binary system, 1 and 0, does a good job of representing wins or a losses for football clubs because it’s only ever that bottom line that is measured, valued, remembered. If a team lost every match of the season, by a single point in each game, the fact would remain that they had lost every game; the gap between 1 and 0 may as well be a mile if it’s an inch, it doesn’t matter.

However, a paradox exists in that every facet of AFL football, from playing lists to coaching staff to tactics to off-field aspects, is incredibly close, and the results, be it week-to-week, or season-to-season, echo this, swinging wildly in either direction after what appears to be minimal change. Should we be disappointed Geelong lost to Richmond? Sure, but we shouldn’t be surprised.

If all this has confused things rather than clarify, then I apologize. But let me take one last stab at it by looking at the object of every players desire; (no, not Anthony Stevens’ wife) the ball itself. Every other ball sport in the world uses the round ball, good ol’ predictable round ball, be it soccer, tennis, Gaelic football, volleyball, netball or even handball. The only other sports that use a similar shaped ball are Rugby and American Football; only in these sports whenever the ball hits the ground the play is stopped. The Australian Rules oval shaped ball by its very nature is unpredictable. This unpredictability is a lot like the AFL itself; the variables in our game are so many, and the range of outcomes for any particular contest, or even the bounce of the ball, is so great, that the game itself will always be unpredictable. Some days it bounces right into your lap and others, right over your head, and into the arms of Nick Fucking Davis. The trick is not to blame, or become too frustrated with this unpredictability, but rather accept it as part of what makes our game unique and exciting.

So I’ll be at a half capacity Skilled Stadium this Saturday, cheering for Geelong against ladder leaders West Coast, you never know, Geelong will probably win by 5 goals, or rather, it’s equally as likely that they’ll win by 5 goals as lose by that margin, or reel off 10 straight wins. After all, it’s only 1’s and 0’s.

Crime & Punishment: a conversation

Captain: See Brodie Holland in the paper today for punching a woman over a cab? I don’t know where to start with that one. Apparently she got in first, Holland’s girlfriends’ friend tried to steal it, that escalated into a cat fight, Holland grabbed the woman in a headlock, while the two ladies layed into her mind you, she bit him and he snotted her. It was deemed high contact, reckless and behind the play. Cheap shot. Actually, he's probably lucky it wasn’t on the field; if Richie Vandenberg got 4 weeks for that elbow on Robbo, Holland would be out for 6. But with our legal system's bias towards athletes he’ll escape with a punishment of having to do 'Dancing With the Stars 2'. Fucking asshole football players.

Mrs. Watson: Geez, just for stealing a taxi. Imagine what he'd do to someone pushing in line at the tanning salon. Excellent point you raised there though, Captain. Why is it that when football jerks get caught speeding, drink driving, punching women, or organising illegal cock fights, they're left to face only what their club wants to dish out; when does the law step in? Now I know why the game is so popular. Apparently if you can get yourself drafted to Collingwood you're immune to criminal charges of any kind. Fuck it, why stop at drink driving, or violence against women? Why aren’t footballers taking the families of umpires hostage? “If you call one more ridiculous 50 meter penalty, McLaren, I’ll remove the kid’s thumbs with a Stanley knife.” A bit harsh? Yes. But if you can make the firsts at any AFL club, apparently such behaviour is in no way illegal.

Captain: You may be onto something there, Mrs. Watson, but lets take it to its natural conclusion, that is, transgressing the law purely to further your football career: Collingwood utility Dane Swann in the paper today, and I quote, “I have got a criminal record, which is obviously not a good thing, but football-wise it was probably the best thing that happened.” See, I always thought it went; become a footballer, belt someone, get away with it. When really, it goes; belt someone, get away with it, become a footballer. It’s like a rite of passage thing. At Collingwood, however, it goes; appear on reality TV show, belt a woman, possess an IQ lower than neck size, charge straight to the top of the ladder. Incredible. Can I keep going? I feel a pattern developing here. Collingwood with woman beating Holland, crim Dane Swann and drink-driver Chad Morrison are 2nd on the ladder. Who’s leading them? Only West Coast of course, with Mafioso Gardiner, wife beating Sampi and police evading, drug mule Cousins. Now we know why Andrew Mackie is back this week! I feel like Columbus, just strolling out onto the deck one day and happening to spot America.

Mrs. Watson: You think Mackie is enough to save us?

Captain: It may take a bit more than the self proclaimed title-holder, but with Steven King sticking to his ‘one week in-two weeks out’ routine, at least they spared us Mark Blake. Monty Byrnes has been included however, as has Monica Wojincski; I like our chances, you?

Mrs. Watson: Hmmm, do I like our chances? How should I point this?...No fucking way! Richmond beat Adelaide last week playing piggy-in-the-middle with an in form Crows side, while Geelong got publicly fist fucked by a pack of overconfident deroes. Tomorrow’s game also promises to be one of the ugliest games all season. Expect all the backs on the ground to rack up huge possession stats, as both teams’ll be kicking backwards for most of the day. I also noticed your man Fluffy Kingsley is getting another go, Captain. What a joke! Oh, and don’t expect me to be backing James Kelly for first goal again this week, either. Sheesh!

Captain: Alright, alright, so you’re not too confident; no need for the Brian Taylor-esque personal attack. I think one of these weeks we should tackle a ‘Geelong’s best 22’ type of blog. And that reminds me, where will Gaz Jnr line up this week and where are they going to hide Josh Hunt? Surely there is a better way to utilize one of the longest kicks in the league.

Mrs. Watson: I’m glad you said “kicks”, just then, Captain. Poor old Smelly Hunt, hey, what do we do with him? It’s obvious that when asked to be closely accountable for an opposition forward, he can’t handle it, but he seems to be getting it a bit himself. I say try him out up the ground a little. He can’t get any worse. I blame the whole “Nick Davis” event of last season for his recent demise into super-shitness. Did anyone else see Mooney whisper in Hunt’s ear towards the end of that Sydney final? “Yes, Josh, that’s your man who’s just kicked the last two goals. Can you please man up for a few seconds, we wouldn’t want him to kick a third. That would end our season, Josh.” He still hasn’t quite recovered, has he? Well, Josh, neither have I, you asshole! As for Gablett, I still don’t see how bringing him closer to the ruck contest will free him from taggers. But let’s not have that argument again, Captain. What about tonight? Bulldogs or Pies?

Captain: I think Collingwood. As they say, you can’t teach height, plus, they beat Geelong by 100 points last week and I aint tipping against a team that has seen the inside of a courtroom more times than Natasha Ablett [Thanks Mrs. Watson]. If one of the Clokes serves time during the season, they’re certainties for the flag.

Gin & Juice

A friend of mine, an artist, once showed me a poem he had written about the beauty of a blank canvas, and how any brush strokes he might make, no matter how deft, could only destroy its beauty. It was a moving and surprising insight into the thought process of one of my mates who is known to wear a “Psycho: Just Add Gin” t-shirt. It has also taken on new meaning for me in the wake of Geelong’s poor start to the 2006 season; I must say it’s much easier to expend 500 words talking about the improvement of Kane Tenace in the pre-season and the apparent decline of dentistry in South Australia than it is trying to make sense of what’s happening now. Yes, ignorance is bliss. Or at least I thought it was. Let’s back up a bit.

Geelong, at 2-4 after 6 games, had the same record as Sydney did at the same point last season, their premiership season. This, I used to comfort myself. Geelong goes on to beat St.Kilda and things look back on track. Then, last Saturday night, the game which shall not be named happened. Now, I went through the typical range of emotions as a fan; anger, disgust, incredulity, rationalization, numb acceptance, disgust again and then a feeling of disassociation, not only with the current underperforming Geelong team, but with the Geelong Football Club, it’s members and fans, the AFL in general and my origins of supporting such a tease of a sporting team (ok, this last one may not be typical). I figured, maybe I should return to basketball, at least the Supercats know they’re crap. Mind you, this entire inner monologue only took about 30 seconds, sometime early in the 3rd quarter; about the same time I walked out on the game to go smoke Stuyvo Lights on the balcony. Needless to say, at times like these it’s not easy to be writing a Geelong Football blog.

And so I tried to approach this blog, the one you are reading right now, from various points and angles (well, technically I first hoped Mrs. Watson would write something and then I thought about it). I thought about the life of the fan, both distant and connected to the team; about the inevitable pressure that would be brought to Lips Thompson; about how Geelong had not rorted the salary cap, tanked games for draft picks, or had players accused of date rape. I thought about football strategy and game plans, hell, I even started drawing a diagram (seriously), but then I realised the one thing, that above all, is most important in football; clichés.

A week is long time in football. Just ask Jason Akermanis, who went from being blamed for all of Brisbane’s problems to being part of another formidable Lions team. Just ask Richmond, who went from being flogged by Sydney to beating premiership favourites Adelaide. Yes, you might say a week is a long time in football, but you might also say that a week is the same length of time in every walk of life, but that many things can happen during those seven days, some of which may even influence the outcome of a football match.

Take it one game at a time. I shouldn’t have walked out on that game and I feel bad now that I did. I should have realised it’s a long season and that someone has to lose. If anything, as a football fan, I should have stayed just to observe Collingwood; I might have been able to contribute something a little more practical to this blog in terms of why Geelong were beaten and how all is not lost for the season. I might also have been able to shed some light on why the Pies are flying. During the week Terry Wallace said Collingwood on Saturday night had played the best football he had seen in the past 5 years. I couldn’t agree or disagree. I didn’t see it. I was on the balcony.

Such humbling losses, like the one experienced on the weekend, provide us all with a timely reminder of the ups and downs of elite-level sport, of the narrow gap between the ugly and the sublime, that losing is an important part of winning and that even the sun shines on a dog’s ass some days.


So with Richmond coming to town this week, I am left with only one question; who else would you rather face when you desperately need a win? And besides, Richmond supporters are used to this type of thing, perhaps I should ask them how they deal with it, or at least remind them that, hey, a week is a long time in footy.

A Brief Interlude

I don't know about you, but I could use a break from football just at the moment. Here are some pictures of Finnish metal band Lordi, who recently won the Eurovision song contest. Notice how he is weilding an actual axe, as opposed to the rhetorical expression for a guitar. No wonder they won. Hats off Finland.



Back with more footy stuff soon.

Why Richmond still stinks.



Here’s an interesting stat: the Richmond football club has only made the finals twice in the past 23 years. No shit. I’ll say it again so it sinks in: In the past 23 years, those good ol’ Tiges from Richmond have only qualified for the finals twice. Now, when I first read this stat, much like you no doubt, I found it a little hard to believe. I mean, come on, twice – that’s pathetic right? Right! Surely this was a typo. Surely this was some kind of sick joke. Surely an AFL team could not continue to exist without having at least a little recent success. But the more I thought about it, and the more I looked back, I simply could not remember a time (EVER!) when Richmond were playing finals football. Hell, it was a struggle just to remember the team’s most recent victory. (A very lucky escape against Essendon a few weeks back, in case you yourself were wondering.)

Say what you want about Geelong’s freakish number of Grand Final losses, football fans, but this quip isn’t even in the same league. The Richmond Tigers are a national embarrassment, a team very fuckin’ lucky to have even a few hundred memberships after two decades of absolute failure, let alone a spot in the AFL at all. I say leave the Kangas in North Melbourne and ship these shit hacks off to Southport, or Canberra, or wherever the hell they’re hiding unsuccessful clubs these days, and forget about them for a while. I mean, twice in 23 years for fuck sake! Something has to be done. Not even an overdose of first round draft picks has made a difference. Richard Tambling!? Well, that was a waste, wasn’t it? And what happened to that Roach kid? [On a positive note they did recruit the over-rated, underachieving brother of over-rated underachieving Joel Bowden – Captain]

Now, any avid Tigers supporter could probably reel off excuse after boring excuse, explaining the several key events which have destroyed any real chance of success in the past couple of years, but I’m not that well informed about the club. In fact, I’ve found the yellow and black so insignificant up until now, that I’ve done my best to ignore the Tigers completely. But something has to be said. Something has to be written. Goddamn it, the public should know the reasons behind Richmond’s failure to win more than a handful of games each season. Why have the Tigers been the worst team in recent years? Allow this relative ignoramus to explain…

First of all, let’s talk about Mick Molloy. Now, as a drinking partner, or a cigarette machine, Mick would do just fine, but as far as celebrity football club affiliates go, he’s hardly the most inspiring character, is he? And what about Rex Hunt? Surely a guy who has to pay for a root isn’t the ideal candidate for a club representative either. (Although it’s no surprise that after kissing a few million fish over the years, he’s finding it difficult to pick up.) Think of Lleyton Hewitt and the Crows; Shane Warne and the Saints; or, how about the Cats and that bald, fat, rich dude who was taken hostage in Iraq and somehow put on 11kg on a diet of water and rice before his rescue – against all odds, this man actually got fatter! These are the kind of inspiring characters you want supporting your club in the public eye. These are the kind of characters players want to win for! Hell, the only thing Mick Molloy inspires anyone to do is pick up the remote control to change the fuckin’ channel.

Secondly, it has to be said that Matthew ‘Point Blank’ Richardson has contributed a great deal to his team’s failure. I don’t have his stats on hand, but I’ve been to many a Cats v Tigers game over the past 10 years and I’ve got to say, this man has no trouble dropping sitters or hitting the post from inside the goal square. Oh, and if the ball doesn’t hit him lace out every time, Richmond midfielders, you’ll be the first to cop a spray from him. Believe it, or not, this is the man the club named their kicking coach over summer. A very curious appointment, indeed; after all, how does one coach others to kick when one can’t kick themselves? That’s like Gehrig teaching others to spell. Preposterous.

Thirdly, Terrace Wallace: the man’s a chop. Does this guy hold a press conference every fuckin’ day? I mean seriously, I can’t watch a sports report these days without this guy vomiting at me about some bullshit no-one asked him about, and acting like he’s the fucking last word on every AFL issue. Take your head out of your own ass, Wallace; no-one cares what you think about flooding – just shut the fuck up. Honestly, if you payed the same amount of attention to your own team as you did your public statements on the “state of the game”, you might see your win/loss ratio become more favourable. Or have your players stopped listening to you as well?

Lastly, Nathan Brown. Poor old Brownie was recruited as the great saviour a few years back and last year, before the “accident”, was the only reason the Tiges were able to string a few victories together. Now, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Richmond fans, but you need to let Nathan go. There’s a certain, “just wait until Nathan Brown gets back” attitude around the club at the moment which is being used as an excuse for recent poor form. News flash, fuckoes: if Brownie does make it back, the poor bloke can’t be expected to get your shithouse team over the line every week. Right now he’s finding it hard enough not to regret leaving the now semi-successful Bulldogs to go to a team that’s only managed 2 finals appearances in his lifetime. Someone should have told him this fun fact before he signed on the dotted line. As a result, your best player is now not only recovering from a more-than-likely career ruining injury, but he’s also finding it difficult to get motivated enough to recover.

A 3-4 win/loss ratio, and two losses by over 100 points this season suggests that 2007 hasn’t turned out the way many Tigers supporters might have predicted. Wallace might throw around words like “rebuilding”, and “unlucky”, but the truth of the matter is this Richmond team appears no different to those that have failed in the past 23 years. Sure, Geelong has 3-4 record as well, but you get a sense that they’ll more than likely turn this record into another finals appearance in 2007. Does anyone feel this way about Richmond? Anyone at all?

Out.

The curse of the carrot top

This season has seen the beginning of a new chapter, in a very old and long book, from the library that is the Geelong Football club. And if said, ridiculously used as a euphemism book had a name, it would be Blood Nut: Redheads and the Geelong Football club, a history.

Yes, the Cats boast a proud history with the red knobber, one which has been added to with the short first appearance of borderline rusty crotch Brent Prismall and the pre-season debut of carrot topped midfielder Nick Batchelor. These two youngsters join a long line of famous fanta-pants Geelong players and join Cameron Ling as the only other current Ginger Meggs’. So without further ado, here is a brief rundown of former Geelong blood nuts, from the 1980’s onwards.

Neville Bruns: Young Cats fans used to flock to his sporting goods store’s in late 80’s and early 90’s, purely in the hope of catching a glimpse of the diminutive redheaded rover who lived up to the tag of ‘fiery red head’. Let’s face it though, most red heads get their temper due to constantly having shit hung on them about their hair colour. Stupid knobber.

Damien Bourke: A red-headed captain was unheard of until Geelong opened the doors for equality among the hair colour challenged. The big man in the middle anchored those famously high scoring teams of the Malcolm Blight era and later settled out of court with Don Burke over the naming of his garden supply business, ‘Bourke’s Front-yard’. I bet they needed high powered lawyers for that case, “but, your honour, ours is Bourke’s front yard… FRONT YARD!”

Barry Stoneham: One of the best centre-half forwards in Geelong history, Bazza had a career shortened by injury, yet lengthened by his orange hair. My own Stoneham experience happened while I was eating a hotdog late at night, after a big session on the sauce. Stoneham, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, asked me how it was, to which I replied, “About as good as that shirt.” To this day I still haven’t thanked him for not beating me.

Darren Forssman: Largely underappreciated player, who was once famously called ‘Darren Foreskin’ by a drunken fan in the outer. Went on to sell security systems door-to-door. I’d call him a red headed success.

Tim McGrath: Given the common rusty crotch nickname of ‘Bluey’, Tim McGrath was reliable and rarely beaten at centre-half back. Matched up surprising well with Wayne Carey on the field, but was always beaten badly by the Duck in the ladies department. No shame in that.

Cameron Ling: Previously one of Geelong’s most reliable midfielders, Lady-killer Ling is slowly catching up to past form. Carrying the torch for the new breed of blood nuts at the club, he is indeed a beacon for the younger generation, both figuratively and literally.

Footnote: With Jason Akermanis seemingly destined to become available at seasons end, perhaps the place he would feel most comfortable is in Geelong, with our proud association with the fair-headed. Perhaps his troubles in Brisbane stem from the shame of his hair colour, forcing him to don the ridiculous white hair-black beard combo. There would be no need for ‘Aka’ to take the peroxide route here, no, in these parts, you can be proud to be red.

Fear and Loathing in Geelong: The case for Steve Johnson

As previously mentioned here at Big League, Little League, I’m a bit gun-shy about attending games, thinking that somehow my mere presence, or non-presence, will upset the universe’s cosmic balance and lead to an unfavourable result. Well, I now find myself unable, or unwilling, to watch games ‘live’ on television. Mrs. Watson asked if we would be watching this week’s game at my gaff or his, and I answered, I don’t think I want to watch.

When I was younger, and Geelong was playing on a Saturday afternoon, I’d cut myself off from any live scores and instead watch the first half “live” on the delayed telecast. Then, depending on how that first half went I’d switch on the radio to get a final score. I could then either comfortably watch the second half, safe in the knowledge of a Geelong victory, or, having discovered Geelong lost, switch it off and go build cubby houses or throw rocks at the girls down the street or whatever the hell it was that I did. And, in answering Mrs. Watson the way I did, I think I may need to go back to this ‘pain-limiting’ technique.

Now, a lot of you may argue that this is cheating, that it takes the very sport out of the sport itself, but I say, well, yeah, you’re probably right, but goddamn it this Geelong team will do that to ya. The only way I can sit down and watch Will Slade continually give away free kicks, or Cameron Ling continually give the other team the ball, is armed with the knowledge that Geelong will end up winning. I mean, in the middle of a 2 point game, in the 4th quarter, there’s only so many times I can be expected to watch Charlie Gardiner take a mark, look bewildered, hold up play allowing defenders to flood back and then bomb the ball into the now crowded forward line without wanting to stab myself in the neck with my GFC biro. Jesus Charles, at least Scott Lucas has the decency to fire at goal immediately. And that’s the problem; it’s the same players making the same mistakes, and after a while, that gets frustrating.

So how about changing it up a bit and taking a risk? Run past your man and kick long and quickly, deep into the forward line, who knows, Kent might even take a mark, or more likely, receive a dubious free kick, but the point remains; as Mike Whitney used to say, who dares, wins. And this is why Steve Johnson (due to make his return tonight after consecutive 5 goal games in the reserves) is needed in the current Geelong line-up.

The evenness of the Geelong team has been well documented, and while this can be perceived as a strength, with the exception of Garry Jnr., no player possesses the creative flair necessary to provide that spark, to manufacture something out of nothing the way Chris Judd or James Hird can. Now look, I’m not saying Steve Johnson has all the answers, and those who have been to games with me know I’ve been on his case all year, but perhaps the team could use a bit of his élan at the moment. And at least he finds new and exciting ways to fuck up; short of Keith Richards getting brain damage from falling out of a palm tree, breaking your ankle and potentially ruining your career by jumping the fence at the Torquay Hotel is a fairly spectacular disaster. Shannon Byrnes running into open goals and continually missing from 25m out however, is just plain painful. Welcome back, Johnno.

Waiting for the Bubble to Burst



Collingwood. Who would have thought, ay? After six rounds, those toothless ferals find themselves atop the AFL Premiership Ladder, and fair enough too; after all they’ve won enough games to be there. But don’t get ahead of yourselves, Collingwood supporters. Your team is yet to leave Melbourne, and I gotta tell ya, while your 5 game winning streak is legitimate, you’ve only really beaten…hmm, how should I put this?...shithouse teams. Please, allow me to elaborate…

If any of the last five wins have meant anything, it’s probably the Magpies thumping of the Hawks in Round 2. In my opinion, Hawthorn isn’t a great side, but they’re playing tough football, and of recent times haven’t conceded victory without a good midfield skirmish. The Hawks are currently 5th on the ladder, and while I don’t think they’ll stay there for long, of all Collingwood’s wins so far this season, this was their most convincing. The next four rounds saw the Magpies beat four of the five bottom sides on the AFL ladder: the Kangaroos (12th) which, quite frankly, have been an absolute embarrassment so far this year; a Lloyd-less Essendon (14th) on ANZAC day by only 17pts; Pt Adelaide (13th) in Melbourne; and, everyone’s whipping boy, Carlton (15th) last week.

Now, don’t get me wrong Magpies fans, these are good victories, but by looking at this early season breakdown, it’s pretty easy to see why your team is on top of the ladder – Collingwood’s draw, so far, has been very Goddamn kind! In Round 1, the Magpies got pumped by Adelaide in Melbourne. No surprises there, I guess, but a 34pt loss at home to an interstate side is not flattering. In fact, I’d say that this loss says more about Collingwood’s real ability, than the team’s last 5 wins. Against good sides, you fuckers stink!

Collingwood’s new found confidence is completely unwarranted, and not just because of unconvincing victories against below par sides, but also because the team itself is no different to the team that last year, and the year before, well….sucked ass. Think about it; how is this team any different from last year? Dale Thomas? C’mon! The guy takes a schoolyard hanger on ANZAC day and every member of the Collingwood cheer squad gets a boner (yes, that does include the females, but who can tell the difference in cheer squads?). [Also, I’d have serious reservations about the future prospects of anyone named Dale – Captain] I remember after Jared Brennan played one good game in his rookie season, the entire state of QLD had him pegged for a Brownlow medal, and where’s that jerk now?

I’d encourage those Collingwood folks gleaming with confidence at the moment to put a lid on it, except the more they gloat now, the stupider they’ll look when the black and white bubble bursts, spewing shit over every member of the McGuire freak show. But just quietly: take it from a Geelong supporter in 2006, Collingwood fans, DON’T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELVES!

Expect a trouncing in WA, Magpies. And before you start smiling Cats supporters, we can expect one tonight as well. It’ll be a depressing ol’ weekend in G-town.

Out.

Never been better, or, I wish I knew then what I know now

Where do I start? The last time I posted Geelong was sitting 3rd with 2 wins and 1 loss, I was looking forward to Hird vs. Buckley on ANZAC day and Beaconsfield was just another Tasmanian shithole that no-one had heard of. Well, they say a week is a long time in football, but 2 weeks is fucking eternity, especially in Beaconsfield. Two miners survive, one doesn’t and Richard Carlton drops dead, presumably whilst scrambling with every other media rodent, attempting to give us his latest update, since the last one 11 minutes ago, about what the miners-wife’s-aunties-grandmother had for breakfast the morning she realised someone she hasn’t seen for 6 years was stuck somewhere she didn’t really know anything about, and thinking about how he was going to end his 60 minutes report with a wide-lens, tracking shot of the rugged Tasmanian wilderness, a gentle ballad, a generic sentiment about giving a small town hope and thinking ‘They’re gonna give me a fucking logie for this’. Do I sound cynical? A little jaded? Like I’ve lost all hope in humanity, truth, sincerity and any order to the world in general? Well, I’m a Geelong supporter, and like I said, where do I start?

Let’s start with what we know:

Geelong’s midfield is seriously underperforming
The Geelong midfield, Joel Corey, Jimmy Bartel, Cameron Ling and James Kelly, with the rest of the rotation, Jarad Rooke, Kane Tenace, Peter Riccardi, Corey Enright, Shannon Byrnes, David Johnson and Paul Chapman, have been massively outplayed. The depth and versatility is there, it’s just they don’t seem to be doing much, something never more evident than in the Sydney game. It’s almost as though they are so wrapped up in the ‘one-on-one’ footy mindset they get caught watching their opponent, rather than taking a chance to run and win the ball themselves. This may be over simplifying the problem, or even over complicating it; as Mrs. Watson put it, we might just be shit.

Garry Ablett Jnr. is a very, very good player (and just might be the solution for the midfield)
His ability to win the ball and then take on defenders is something all too rare in the current Geelong team. He hits most targets by foot and makes excellent decisions by hand. He keeps his feet in almost every contest and applies enormous pressure to opponents when he doesn’t have the ball. More than that, however, he has poise. While other, unnamed redheaded team-mates are throwing blind, ‘panic’ handballs, Garry knows where opponents and team-mates are and, importantly, where they will be. If tackled, he gets his arms free and ensures Geelong maintains possession, or at least has a chance of retaining possession. In the Western Bulldogs game we saw another string to Junior’s bow, something perhaps owing to the legacy of the Old Man, Garry Jnr. at full-forward. When playing there he knows when to lead at the right time, how to out manoeuvre a defender one-on-one and has excellent hands in the marking contest. He is excellent value in the forward half, but it’s time to play him in the midfield, Lips.

Josh Hunt is a liability
With the new kick out rules, it isn’t as important to have a designated kicker anymore; it’s just whoever’s closest. I don’t think he could stop me from kicking 4 at this point.

The delivery to the forwards has been piss poor
Maybe they don’t kick enough balls at training, maybe they grew up with poor techniques, maybe it’s more a confidence issue than technique; whatever the case, all I know is that way too many passes are landing at the leading players’ feet, or being kicked well over their heads. This one, simple facet of the game would probably make the biggest difference. You’re professionals, figure it out.

Now, I hear you ask, what is we don’t know?

Cameron Mooney’s best position
Through the first 6 rounds this year, Mooney has probably been Geelong’s second best player and is so important because of the variety of roles he can fill. However, he has been playing where he is most needed, not necessarily where he is best suited. So where should he play? Ottens has been doing well in the ruck recently, so if King can tape himself back together he may not be needed there. With Scarlett back, Matthew Egan developing and reports surfacing that Tom Harley can actually walk again, he may not be needed in defence. The forward line is probably the most obvious and pressing need, but if someone like Hank Playfair or Nathan Ablett can prove to be a consistent performer along half-forward, it might be a bit crowded, especially with a resting ruckman and Lips Thompson seemingly having a hard-on for Kent Kingsley, Charlie Gardiner, Andrew Mackie and Steve Johnson. Perhaps he is best left to roam free; name him on a wing but leave him free to wander forward or back, or into the midfield as need be. If has the fitness to do fill this role it would certainly cause some match up problems, and hey, he could still fill in whenever Scarlett wants to belt someone, or when Brad Ottens starts losing body parts.

What happened to Cameron Ling
Was Cameron Ling just horribly over-rated, or has he fallen further than a refinery workers’ sperm count? Seriously, he is a turn-over waiting to happen these days. And it looks like he’s lost half a step, which is saying something.

Where James Kelly is
Has he been playing? He was thought of as the next player to make the leap, someone capable of reaching a similar level to that of say Cameron Bruce. He looked like a true utility, one who could play rover, centre, wing, forward or back flank, even line up at full-forward. And he seemed to have that polish and poise that Cameron Ling, who is as graceful as a 3-legged dog, so desperately lacks. Yet for all that he looks about as interested as Vince Vaughn did in ‘Dodgeball’.

Who, in the reserves, is ready to step up
Steve Johnson and Shannon Byrnes were dropped; Tim Callan, Tom Lonergan and Nathan Ablett have had their chances, so who is left? Paul Koulouriotis has not been sighted this season, Tom Harley has made his return, Geelong’s no. 1 draft pick, Travis Varcoe, is playing and apparently the Matthew McCarthy era is not quite over just yet (a quick check of GFC.com revealed he kicked a couple on the weekend). [Don’t forget Stokes, Captain, BOG last coupla weeks – Mrs. Watson.]

And finally
Why can’t Shannon Byrnes kick a goal? What is actually wrong with Tom Harley? How is Will Slade continually being selected for the seniors? Will Steven King ever play in consecutive games again? Can someone please get Leigh Tudor a haircut? And can someone get this memo to Charlie Gardiner: move the ball quickly into the forward line, Chuck, QUICKLY… Travis Varcoe… Travis Varcoe… Travis Varcoe… Travis Varcoe… Travis Varcoe… Travis Varcoe… Travis Varcoe… Travis Varcoe… Travis Varcoe… Travis Varcoe… Travis Varcoe…

Introducing: Shane Benace, or, Engineering Mooney



Ok, so Geelong is not travelling so great. I’ve skirted discussing the team for quite a while, hoping that they’d get their shit together on their own, but it’s time someone stepped in. Now, I’m not saying that my opinions on Geelong’s current woes are in any way authoritative, or even insightful for that matter, but is it not our job as supporters to bitch and put forward ridiculous, ill-informed suggestions on how to improve our team’s luck? Yes, I believe it is. So here goes, four absurd suggestions on how to get the Cats out of the litter tray, and back into the soft cushiony comfort of the top four.

1. Fuck Mark Blake off: I mean seriously, I’m all for giving the kid a run – hell, I’ve even stuck up for the poor guy, (after all, who would you rather, Peter Street?) – but enough is enough. The Captain was correct when he said, “The Blake experiment is over, Lips,” a few weeks back. As a replacement, I suggest sitting Shannon Byrnes on Tenace’s shoulders and letting them ruck. Sure, they’d still be shorter than most opposition ruckmen, but think of the pace this new, improved footballer would be capable of. I’d call him Shane Benace. With the capacity to split in two at any time, such a player would elude any would be tackler simply by separating at the waste, leaving the bottom half to be tackled while the upper half darted forward. Check that out, Spider! Genius!

2. Kick more people in the face: sure, it sounds harsh but as Stephen King proved in last year’s finals game against the Demons, a swift kick to the face can not only be easily disguised as just “part of the contest”, it can also have the desired effect of rendering your opponent motionless for several seconds. The Cats face Melbourne again tonight, and I suggest that any time the ball is bounced, every Geelong player should kick their defender right in the face, freeing themselves up for a few seconds, giving them the required time to clear the ball.

3. Don’t kick the ball to Cameron Ling: I’m deadly serious, under no circumstances, should any Geelong player consider giving Ling a possession. I don’t know if you’ve been watching this guy the past few weeks, but despite the fact he racks up a healthy number of possessions every game, those touches seem to end up back in opposition hands because of fuckin’ ridiculous handballs and inaccurate kicks. It seems to me that the only time Lady-killer hits a target is when he’s kicking backwards, and even then he puts his team mates under unnecessary pressure. Hey Linga, how about this: Get a haircut, learn to kick, and stop shitting yourself every time an opponent is approaching. We used to just tease you cause you were a red knob, but right now your football is the real joke – and it’s not fucking funny!

4. Start cloning Moonies: while the Ablett birthing project is well and truly in full swing (and is going great guns), I think the GFC should take advantage of recent scientific breakthroughs in the field of genetic engineeernig. Sure, it’s a costly option, and more than a little complicated (not to mention time consuming), but the sooner we clone ourselves a few more Cam Moonies, the better. And what about this: enough Moonies to fill almost an entire team. Yeah, that’s the ticket, with Shane Benace in the ruck the Cats might just be unstoppable.

So there you have it. Some great suggestions, I think. If only two of these tactics were introduced tonight, the Cats’d be a Goddamn shoe in. One can only hope…

Out.

Siren, anyone?



Ok, ok, now be honest: did you hear the siren, or not? If, like me, you were bored as fuck last Sunday afternoon and couldn't scrape together anything better to do than watch these two pansy teams play ringa-ringa-rosey for a couple of hours on tv, then you also would have missed the siren completely. No big deal, I guess;after alll, we're just half drunk, couch-bound, no-lifes with zero influence on our own bowels, let alone the outcome of an AFL game. But when an AFL umpire doesn't hear a siren - something that's supposed to be the loudest sound made that day - you've got shit soup, my friend. Shit Fucking Soup!

At the time of writing this sorry excuse for an article, the AFL was yet to complete its thorough investigation, meaning that until anyone hears otherwise the game is a draw: 2 points Freo, 2 points Sainters. The final decision on this debacle will be made on Wednesdy apparently, but it can't really be that hard, or time consuming, a decision to make, can it?

Let's face it, it's simple, one team is lying. At the moment it seems we've either got a team of Dockers who've somehow evolved into a pack of superheroes with wolf like super-hearing, or a team of Saints doing their best to pretend that the low warbling sound towards the end of the 4th quarter was just another one of Grant Thomas' famous walnut farts. I prefer the first option. Think about it. After weighing it up, I've decided that Connolly has developed himself a team of Phantoms. And no, I don't mean that masked Frank Spencer poonce, spat out of Andrew Lloyd Webber's date hole. I mean that super hero dude, with the skull belt. Couldn't he conjure super-hearing at will? I mean, c'mon, run with me, The Phantom is purple and everything! And how else were these guys the only people in the whole fucking country who heard this sorry excuse for a siren?

But I digress...let's get back to the siren itself because, after all, this was the actual cause of the fuck-up.

Who makes a siren you can't hear anyway? Isn't that the fucking point of the siren: to be able to hear it over other noises, be it crowd noise or Gherig's grunting? God Damn! Only a Tasmanian would design and construct a device so useless. And how about this: if the siren didn't sound right before the ball up, which is when the Freo players say they heard it, well then, when did it? The umps say they never heard the siren sound, but at no stage after the ball up did a siren sound either. This means, that technically, the game should still be going right now. The siren has yet to sound.

To avoid such confusion again, I hear that the AFL won't be letting anyone through the gates from now on that doesn't promise to keep their voices down during the game. Great solution, I say. Anything to shut those fuckin' cheer squads up gets a big tick from me. Now, if we could only outlaw those ridiculous banners...…

Ah, it's great to be back.

Out.