Round 10: Tech Support!

Carlton v West Coast
Captain: This season continues to be a battle between the shit and the shitter. I mean, really, besides Geelong and St Kilda, would you be surprised if any other team missed the finals? You could show me a list of the other 14 teams in any order and tell me it’s the ladder and I’d believe you. Having said that, I reckon Carlton is a bit like Brad Haddin; monsters average bowling and gets found out against the top class. The flat-track bully Blues will win this one though, and I reckon Fev might just kick a bag for your Supercoach team.

Mrs Watson: I was just watching Channel Ten's Master Chef, and I realised during tonight's show that I hate the asshole in the hat more than I've ever hated anyone. Point Fev in the direction of his “beer restaurant” and have him urinate in the general direction of the kitchen. When the joke is over, have Chris Judd mop it up. Carlton.

Captain: Like Judd doesn’t have enough to do already.

Mrs Watson: Um....exactly.

Western Bulldogs v Sydney
Captain: The Dogs ran us pretty close Friday night but luckily Brad ‘slipknot’ Johnson was left in charge of finishing the job. The Dogs won the hardball and their small forward line was good for 17 goals. I don’t reckon the Cats were at their best, (more on that later) but it’s good enough for me.

Mrs Watson: Yeah, no brainer... Bulldogs. Captain, why do Sydney refuse to drop Michael O'Loughlin? What is he, like, 75 years old now? He's gone from being just ok, to being kinda shit, to being long in the tooth, to just now being rather invisible. Surely there's someone else playing in the Sydney reserves who's pretty good at doing nothing. Is Henry Playfair still an option? Will we ever stop hanging shit on Henry Playfair? When will these questions stop? Now? Yes.

North Melbourne v Brisbane
Captain: You know what, Brisbane look alright! Vossy can coach; who knew? Plus, North Melbourne are garbage. You know what else, my Dad has a weird thing for ‘Micky Magic’, but then again, he also has a weird thing for Gordon Lightfoot, Nigella Lawson and that old guy who used to play Lenny on Law & Order. Plus, I don't think he knows who Henry Playfair is. So getting back to your original query, I have no bloody idea what I’m talking about.

Mrs Watson: I don't know whether Brisbane's relative mediocrity this year equates to Vossy being a good coach. I would expect a list like his to do exactly what it's been doing: winning at home sometimes. This shouldn't be a problem though.

Fremantle v Richmond
Captain: Do you think this is the week that Terry finally snaps and starts wearing a mask and wandering around the WACA like Tom Cruise wandering around a deserted Manhattan in Vanilla Sky? Open your eyes, Terry, you’re a knob. Fremantle.

Mrs Watson: I'm going to tip Richmond, because let's face it, one of these teams lost to North Melbourne last week, and the other did not make that mistake.

St Kilda v Melbourne
Captain: So, this season I’m adding the Saints to my “never tip Richmond” and “always tip Geelong” corollaries. Here it is: “Always tip St Kilda until they play Geelong and then we’ll see”. Sure, it’s a half-assed rule, but you gotta admit, Mrs W, they look pretty darn good.

Mrs Watson: Wow, don't go out on a limb or anything there, Captain. Always tip the two teams that haven't lost yet, until they play each other? You make me sick. Sorry, that was harsh. I'm at work... it's making me tense. St Kilda.

Captain: Yeah, that was kinda tongue in cheek, but I’ll let it slide; I understand the pressure you’re under, doing, well, whatever the hell it is you do, but tipping Richmond and then questioning my choices is more than throwing stones from a glass house; it’s like flicking matches from a paper mache boat, floating in lake of petrol... Or some such thing. Where were we?

Adelaide v Hawthorn
Mrs. Watson: Like I said last week, I refuse to comment on Adelaide games.

Captain: Hmm. I can’ tip Adelaide on exposed form, but they always seem to go alright against the Hawks. I’m just saying… Ah fuck it, I've said it now. Adelaide.

Essendon v Geelong
Mrs Watson: I never envy the team that has to play Geelong the week after they're nearly beaten, but I wouldn't be surprised in Essendon push the Cats. This smells like one of those games where that Essendon player you've never heard of kicks 5 goals on Andrew Mackie, while Trunks does what he likes, poncing about the wings ala Adam Goodes. I can see it now. Another scary victory.

Captain: Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. And while Andrew Mackie is about as loose as an Amish kid on rumspringer, take it from a Supercoach owner, he hasn’t exactly been tearing it up the other way either. (You’re on fucking notice, Muscles!) Anyway, my theory about the Cats is as follows: Because they played all the way through September they started their pre-season late… which means they’re essentially just finishing it up now… therefore they’re a little tired and seemingly behind teams like St Kilda… and as a result are ripe for the beating around this time of year. Oh, and that hiding that Collingwood gave us last year was in Round 9. So, that a decent bit of rationalising, or what?

Collingwood v Port Adelaide
Mrs Watson: Decent? Yes. But can you rationalise Collingwood winning this one? I can.

Captain: Ooh, a tricky one! Wait, no it’s not. The Collingwood players quit on Mick Malthouse months ago, Port. Oh and before we go, this week’s euphemism, “Giving the full-back a chop-out”.


Captain: Carl, WB, Bris, Freo, StK, Adel, Geel, PA.
Season Tally: 54-18

Mrs Watson: Carl, WB, Bris, Rich, StK, Haw, Geel, Coll.
Season Tally: 42-30

Julia Gillard has had some styling work done.
Season Tally: 44-28

Round 9: Schrödinger’s Tanning Bed

So close. It was so close, in fact, that it was reported as true. Then they took it back, like so many broken promises, like so many unfulfilled 5-year plans. In the time it took me to cut and paste a picture of a recently fired, particularly solarium-tanned coach, and email it to Mrs Watson, Terry Terrific had escaped the noose once again.

I have spoken to a few of the Tiger faithful and most of them think that Terry’s performance has been up to scratch. They have somehow rationalised that his hiring was not, essentially, a million dollar plus, 5-year mistake. They are still, unbelievably, blind to the fact that he has somehow left a club that has played finals twice in 27 years in worse shape than he found it. They are willing to put up with him for another four months even though every day he stays there is another turd sandwich in the lunchbox of the Richmond Football Club. This is a man who is more concerned with the press-box than the coaches-box; a man who spends more time in the tanning salon than the training track; a man who has, and will, willingly throw 20-year old kids under the bus to save his own skin; look at what he said to Mitch Morton after the Port Adelaide loss – “You’ve just cost me my career” – Not, “You’ve cost us the game”, or “You’ve cost your team-mates a win”. The guy is a snake and, as we’ve been saying here at Big League for about three years, Richmond will never have a chance until he (and Richo) is gone.

I thought about all this in those 15 minutes of “Schrödinger’s Cat” territory, where Terry was both fired and safe. I thought about this and I thought, “Fuck it, I hope they keep him; that would be some hilarious shit”.


Captain: Gee, NM, Adel, WC, Ess, Syd, StK, Haw
Season Tally: 47-17

Mrs Watson: Gee, Fre, Carl, WC, Ess, PA, StK, Haw
Season Tally: 38-26

Julia Gillard once killed a rat with her teeth… No, wait, that was Chuck Norris.
Season Tally: 40-24

Round 8: Terry Returns to TV

Fremantle v Hawthorn
Captain: Before we start, let me gloat, just a little, about my incredible tipping performance thus far; 40-16, at an average of 5.7 winners a round, as good as money in the bank. And, having said that, I continue to tip Hawthorn, despite them mailing in so many performances that training this week is being conducted by Charlie Sheen. Have I been scarred/fooled by last year?

Mrs Watson: Yes, but who hasn't? I mean, I'm going to tip them again this week despite that fact that I'm absolutely certain they'll lose.

Captain: I think this is what it feels like to be a Richmond supporter.

Melbourne v Western Bulldogs
Captain: Strange season thus far; two really good teams, two awful teams and a lot of average ones. The Dogs have a chance to move up to the good category while the Dees are in weekly danger of losing their rightful No. 1 draft pick to Richmond, who, if they get it, would probably do something ridiculous with it anyway, like draft Kent Kingsley. Oh wait, they already did that.

Mrs Watson: Of course Bulldogs are going to win this. But there's a difference between being a good side and looking like a good side – and beating Melbourne can make any team “look” like a good side. As can beating North Melbourne, Fremantle and West Coast.

Captain: Therefore, conversely, losing to Melbourne can make you look like an asshole. Hey, I’m 3-for-3 on game previews and Richmond insults!

Geelong v North Melbourne
Captain: I’ve missed the past couple of Geelong games, Mrs W, having been reduced to watching highlights on the AFL’s clunky website and listening to SEN’s vanilla commentary. But from the little I’ve seen, heard and read, The Cats are winding up nicely. Any thoughts to share on the Sydney game? How was the KP outer?

Mrs Watson: To be honest...the outer has been a little lacklustre of late. I put it down to the fact that everyone there is 100% sure that Geelong will win. It makes for a stale-ish atmosphere, but I can't have it both ways, I guess. It's still the only ground where you can piss over the back of the stand and gladly assume it's going to hit someone. Cats.

Captain: It is a strange feeling, being a Cats fan at the moment. It’s a bit like following the Australian cricket team a few years ago, when they were handing everybody their asses, inexplicably lost the Ashes to an England team who played out of their minds, and then went back to dishing out ass-whippings. The Cats, winning 48 out the last 51, have just been incredible. I don’t know how much better a football team can get, really. Oh, Geelong will win.

Brisbane v Adelaide
Mrs Watson: Brisbane at home. Is it just me, or are the Crows the epitome of beige? I'm not going to write anything about Adelaide games for the rest of the season.

Captain: I blame Neil Craig and that hideous, hideous city. But wait! I think I’m having one of my trademark funny feelings… Crows to win due to the giddiness of being out of that South Australian Hellhole, if only for the night.

Sydney v West Coast
Captain: Sydney will win. Oh, and Adam Hunter is apparently hanging up the mullet. Since I have nothing else, here’s two long over due taking-a-dump euphemisms: “Attending the Coburg match committee meeting”, and, “prosecuting Rex Hunt”.

Mrs Watson: Yeah, Syders. Wait...Adam Hunter is hanging up the mullet? Did the Ice run out?

Captain: The ice ran out a looooooooong time ago for the Eagles whose next big hope is a Fijian kid with injury problems and a bowl haircut. Not good times.

Port Adelaide v Richmond
Captain: And speaking of coaches in deep shit, I reckon Choco Williams could be right behind Terry Terrific in sniffing around Channel 7’s sphincter for a job next year. And the only way that “could” turns into a “is definitely” is if Port lose to Richmond at home. Power, easily.

Mrs Watson: Agreed. But I'm trying to imagine some of Wallace's expert comments if he gets a gig next to Bruce next year... “{Insert Team Name Here} should really flood in this situation...they should have selected Tambling...let's cross to me at a press conference.”

Captain: Dear God, he’d be unstoppable! Here’s my idea for a footy panel show next year: A ‘musical chairs’ type of set-up where Wallace, Grant Thomas, Blighty, Choco Williams and David Schwarz all make ridiculous statements while Hutchy is trying to deliver serious news about Brendan Fevola’s new boot sponsorship. Wait, we might have another entrant on our hands…

Collingwood v Carlton
Captain: Seriously, the players have completely given up on Mick Malthouse to the point that he’s taking consolatory phone calls from Brendan Nelson. Blues to bounce back.

Mrs Watson: Blues? Magpies. Blues? Magpies. Blues? Magpies. Magpies? Blues. Magpies? Blues. Blues? Yes...Blues. Magpies? No. Blues. Blues.

StKilda v Essendon
Captain: Saints look pretty darn good. Should we be worried yet?

Mrs Watson: I'm going to bed. Saints.


Captain: Haw, WB, Gee, Adel, Syd, Port, Carl, Stk
Season Tally: 40-16

Mrs Watson: Haw, WB, Gee, Bris, Syd, Port, Carl, Stk
Season Tally: 30-26

Julia Gillard did not sleep with Matthew Johns.
Season Tally: 33-23

Round 7: Poetry in Motion

Essendon v Hawthorn
Mrs. Watson: Hawthorn.

Captain: You’re not even trying, are you? You know, I feel a bit ripped off that after their shaky start, Hawthorn are only 3-3; 1-5 would have been so much more fitting for the Steven Bradbury memorial premiers. And now they’re getting a walk-over against an even shakier team that are fast turning into Richmond 2.0 thanks to the appointment of that lazy-eyed, albino coach who probably has the worst win/loss record of any 200-game AFL player. Where’s the justice?

Richmond v Brisbane
Mrs Watson:
Richmond will lose.
I will wager my own pants,
That Richo won’t return

Captain: Is that Haiku? You’ve been watching too much Walnut, but you're right; it doesn’t look good for the ‘cho. Should we be surprised? Terry Terrific moved him from the goal square to the wing at age 35, I mean, what were they expecting? Just merge already, Richmond, faaaaaaaark.

Geelong v Sydney
Captain: Do Sydney still make you nervous, Mrs W? I remember when the mere sight of those candy-stripe socks would send you into a catatonic state where all you could do was shake your head, chain smoke Stuyvo lights and repeatedly mutter something about Josh Hunt manning up.

Mrs Watson:
Sydney once scared me.
But Cats need now only fear,
Sheer number of sideburns.

Captain: Are you doing this whole thing in haiku form? Great, I’m sharing a blog with Jack Freakin’ Kerouac over here. And I’m still yet to confirm your report that the sideburn ratio in Sydney is ridiculously greater than Melbourne’s.

Kangaroos v Port Adelaide
Captain: It’s no surprise the Kangas are this stinky. We had a run on Arden St last weekend and although the turf there is pretty good, let’s just say I’ve seen better facilities in Turkish prisons. Speaking of Turkish prisons, Port Adelaide is completely unpredictable and I can’t believe I actually clicked, “Yes, I would like to trade for Daniel Motlop in Supercoach”. Having said that, I’m going out on a limb with a North upset.

Mrs Watson:
No chance at all.
Port look like rubbish at times, but
North equal faeces.

Carlton v Fremantle
Captain: Speaking of turd sandwiches, I was able to somehow pick Freo last week but this week I will not be going near them with a 40-foot septic tank hose.

Mrs Watson:
I'll pick a close one,
But Carlton to win, I guess.
Just don't hit the post.

Adelaide v Western Bulldogs
Mrs Watson:
Neil Craig, listen up.
How to beat a Western hoax:
8 goals is enough.

Captain: This Haiku thing is getting confusing, who did you pick here? I’m torn; Adelaide let me down against Port and the Dogs have fallen in heap faster than Trevor Marmalade’s career. Um, Dogs to win away and then tell everyone, ”we’re back on track”.

West Coast v Melbourne
Mrs Watson:
Nothing doing here.
The game you'll forget is being played.
West Coast easily.

Captain: Agreed. But while we’re here, let’s play a game. Choose who looks in the better shape for the next ten years; Melbourne or West Coast. Now, whoever you didn’t pick, halve their expectations, fire their coach, double their members and I believe your card is… Richmond.

Collingwood v StKilda
Captain: Monday night footaball, frickin finally! Bring it on, Hell, bring on Tuesday night football too! Actually, fuck it. Play one game everyday of the week for seven straight months. I would quit my job and do nothing but watch football, drink beer and eventually balloon to retired-Stuart Dew type proportions. Whaddya reckon, W?

Mrs Watson:
Monday night football.
Sure as shit beats Good News Week.
About fucking time.

Captain: Best Haiku ever.


Captain: Haw, Bris, Gee, NM, Carl, WB, WC, Stk
Season Tally: 34-14

Mrs Watson: Haw, Bris, Gee, Port, Carl, Adel, WC, Stk
Season Tally: 26-22

Julia Gillard is from Adelaide.
Season Tally: 28-20