Things We Think We Know Now: Part Two

Note: Before we pick up where we left off, let me just say that Pavlich’s kick looked good all the way, and there a several Roswell-style missing seconds from the end of match, but the Cats are 6-0 and 2-0 interstate, so let’s be happy with that. However, they’re currently getting away with playing 1 and a half good quarters and still winning games, which I think is a good sign, but Mrs W thinks otherwise. I’ll expand on this in the coming weeks, but as I said, 6-0…

The ‘Billy’ from Predator, False Hope Group

Essendon
Windy Hill was a turbulent place in the off-season, with more tears spilled over Sheedy’s departure than the death of Bambi’s mum. Then, the bombers won their first game of the year, everyone took a big gulp of the Matthew Knights Powerade and suddenly people were clawing over one another to get a seat on the bandwagon. Well, that same wagon is now on its roof, burning and skidding towards the edge of a cliff: Ladies and Gentleman, your 2008 Essendon Bombers! (And seeing as though I just mentioned it, I’m surprised no-one has ever brought up the whole ‘The Bombers is an insensitive name’ thing and given it a decent whinge in the media citing several irrelevant, ‘political correctness’ arguments… Wait, forget I said anything before I inadvertently write Greg Baum’s next column and we get stuck with the 2010 Essendon Desert Spoons or something. Back to the column…) Knight’s has implemented what he calls an ‘attacking game plan’, in which his main objective appears to be trying to get a record amount of goals kicked on Mal Michael. Now, he may have the most unrecognisable midfield in the history of the game and I’m pretty sure he thinks Adam McPhee is Nick Riewoldt, but still, Knighter, some accountability, please! I’m pretty sure at one point on the weekend Dale Thomas had a booth set-up on the half forward flank and was selling Anzac Day badges. Oh, and did I mention they’re soft as shite? This is gonna get worse before it gets better, Essendon fans.

Improver: Bachar Houli. Uses the ball well, seems a promising player and you gotta love anyone named “basher”, although from all reports that name should go to his team mate Andrew Lovett, with the pre-fix “wife” firmly attached. It will be interesting to see how Houli goes during the religious observance of Ramadan, when Muslims are obliged to fast between sunrise and sunset. This is not to be confused with the observance of Ramanouskas, in which clubs are obliged to stick with an over-the-hill player due to personal sentiment. (See also Lonergan, Tom.)

Stinker: There’s bad draft picks, and there’s bad draft picks. And then there’s Courtney Johns.


Port Adelaide
Quick question: At what point does a 20-goal Grand Final hiding become an over-achievement? During said humiliating Grand Final defeat, The Cats inflicted some, what Ricky Ponting might have called, ‘mental scars’. This season was always going to be about how they dealt with those scars. It would either; a) motivate them to return fit, focused and another inspiring word starting with F, or; b) lead to a complete collapse and lack of confidence that would ultimately ruin their 2008 season. Firmly entrenched in the “b” camp, Port has proven to be what Shane Warne might have called, “poofs”. (And while we’re here, even though it was good to see Warney still in top form [3/18, I believe] I just can’t get it up for the IPL. Now I like seeing Symonds smash people around as much as anyone, but if the players don’t give a shit, then I certainly can’t. And I’m starting to think that Gilchrist’s retirement was influenced by the arrival of this league. Think about it; here’s a guy who is acutely aware of his public persona and his legacy, who gets to kill two birds with one stone in terms of going out on top and making a shit load of Indian dollars all while never be able to be accused of chasing money or abandoning his country. Hats off, Gilly, hats off.)

Improver: I guess this one reaches back in to 2007 as well, but David Rodan has become perhaps their most consistent player not spawned by Graeme Cornes. Richmond fans, commence the banging of heads against walls.

Stinker: Let’s go with NAB rising star winner Danyle Pearce and ask a question frequently posed by Mrs Watson: What, exactly, has he done? Um, made David Rodan look good?


Carlton
There’s something inherently ham-fisted about the current Carlton line-up. Even when they’re up and going, like when they beat Collingwood a few of weeks ago, it looks like its all on the verge of falling apart. It’s like watching Britney Spears these days; you squint and you can just make out the smoky, school-uniform clad vixen she used to be, and then you blink, and she’s bald, running over photographers and smoking crack through her baby’s milk bottle. Sure they have had an excellent recruiting class coming in to this season, but for every Chris Judd there’s a Cain Ackland. And that’s the way it’s going to go for the Blues this season, up and down. But there is hope. There is a future in place. And once Brett Ratten figures out how to coach, and Judd comes good, and Kruezer develops, and they lose the Irish idiots, and Stevens loses the gut… Well, they might win around 6 games.

Improver: Outside the obvious additions, I like the Richard Hadley addition, if only for the possibility of the resurrection of the “Hadley’s a wanker” chant.

Stinker: Andrew Carrazzo. Worst ‘Best & Fairest’ winner since Scott Wynd won the Brownlow (and the Bulldogs have had a few stinkers; Wynd, Libba, Brad Hardie, hell, didn’t Chris Grant miss one because of a dodgy suspension? Sheesh, what the Hell is up with all these shithouse Bulldog Brownlows?)


Part Three coming soon (At this point I have know idea how many parts there'll be).

Things We Think We Know Now: Part One

After the first five games of any season you reach a certain benchmark. New players have made an impression, old ones have confirmed they’re slipping, bookies finally have a handle on the form and Michael Gardiner fills out his annual workcover form. So as the teams begin to separate themselves, let’s take a look at where we are at right now, working our way from the bottom up. And as this bastard is likely to blow out to 5000+ words, I’ll break it up into easy to digest parts, just like they’re doing for Brent Staker at the moment.


The Charlie Sheen memorial “Cue Officially Back in the Rack” Group

Melbourne
Although Mrs Watson and I knew The Dees would be rubbish this year, I don’t think anyone could have foreseen they would be this bad, although, some actually thought they’d be better. Yes, Caroline Wilson cemented her AFL credentials by predicting they’d finish fifth this year. That’s right, fifth. She thought there were only 4 better teams than Melbourne. The top four and then Melbourne next in line. Well, I’m sorry, but that is just shit. That’s all I can say. Pure shit. Utter poo. Crapola. Dump city. Deuce central. The Age should have printed an apology. And then fired her. And then gathered all the wasted paper she has used on Richmond articles over the years and used it to build Melbourne a decent training facility. Seriously, that is more ridiculous than Melbourne fans celebrating losing to Geelong because it was by less than 100 points. I would like to hear her explanation, her rationale, her raison d'être for this ludicrous prediction. Try and make me see, Caro, how a team that finished 14th last season, who has a new coach, who traded their best midfielder, who had three players arrested in the off-season and was bringing back their creaky 45 year old captain was going to improve that much? How does that make sense? I think its best we move on before I burst a blood vessel.

Improver: Cale Morton, the rookie, looks really good; composed, skilful and a good decision maker. Although he is as skinny as the Olsen twins.

Stinker: Take your pick here, but I’m going with Jeff White. Supposed to be a leader as a senior player but has been absolute rubbish. Russell Robertson, consider yourself lucky.

Richmond
Ahh, the Tiges. How it wouldn’t be an AFL season without your pitiful hope. And how it wouldn’t be Round 5 unless that hope was cruelly, but predictably crushed. The Tigers choked away a win beautifully against the Bulldogs on the weekend, giving up 3 goals in the last 2 minutes after Richo started the “let’s slow things down” play about 6 minutes too early. Seriously, the only way for Richmond will ever improve is to get rid of Richo. You watch, as soon as he retires the Tigers will start to turn it around. They didn’t win in Fremantle because of his great game on the wing; they won because he wasn’t in the goal square missing easy set shots and crawling up the ass of his midfield. And as for Terry Terrific, don’t get me started: The man starts more fires than an abused step-child in a daytime movie (bit of a stretch?); look, an umpiring mistake there! A fake injury here! I’ll never coach another club again! Well, that last statement could be true sooner rather than later, as in the coming weeks the Tiges face Hawthorn, and then St.Kilda, Geelong, Essendon, Sydney and Adelaide. Hmm, 2 wins, a draw and 8 losses sounds about right, doesn’t it?

Improver: Well, technically he hasn’t really improved, but Mitch Morton has been an excellent addition, and with that gentleman’s perm he’s got, a blond moustache would be another excellent addition.

Stinker: Brett Deledio. Doesn’t do enough. Has been an up & comer for too long. Awful, awful hair.

Fremantle
It’s bad enough their uniforms are made from Captain Planet off-cuts (thank you Odey) but losing to Richmond? At home? Mark Harvey should be sacked for that alone, not to mention the continued trend of recruiting his washed up ex-team-mates: Mark Johnson, Dean Solomon, Kepler Freakin’ Bradley!?! They now have more shit Essendon players than Essendon does. Not to mention the over-the-hill Carr bros, the over-rated Chris Tarrant, the over-weight Des Headland and the just plain over-it Peter Bell. Although something tells me Mark Harvey is deliberately giving them second and third chances; if he’s serious about it, they’ll all be gone next season, along with that hideous theme song. And while we’re on the subject, and since I have nothing left to add, here’s a list of songs I never need to hear again: Jack & Diane, Hey Mickey, The Time Warp and everything ever recorded, or to be recorded, by Madonna.

Improver: Every time they swing Luke McPharlin forward, in their last, desperate attempt to get some respectability on the scoreboard, he ends up taking grabs and kicking goals. Here’s a thought, Harvs, how about you give him a decent run up front? I’d love to see Mark Harvey on Mastermind, or one of those other quiz shows:

“Mark Harvey, your time starts now: What is the capital of Zaire?”

“……”

“Who won the Pulitzer prize in 2002?”

“……”

“Who will you play at full-forward this week?”

Stinker: Ugh. I don’t want to get into it again. Choose someone already mentioned above and insert joke here about the difficulty said player encounters trying to get clearances with a giant fork sticking out of his back.

West Coast
I must admit, I thought the Eagles would be alright this year. I figured Cousins hardly played last year anyway, Judd was running around on his wafer thin groin and they’d be better off without the distractions. (Plus, they de-listed Daniel ‘Pinky’ Chick, which is a positive any way you look at it.) But it seems to be falling apart fairly quickly over there. They’ve had their fair share of injuries (at this point Ash Hansen must have seen more Doctors than East Timor’s President.) but more importantly they’ve lost all confidence and moral. Can you imagine Tom Harley getting smoked like Brent Staker did and not one Cats player charging in? That’s a fairly piss weak act, or lack thereof, by Staker’s team-mates. Tough guy wannabe Adam Hunter pretended to remonstrate, but they only one I’ll give kudos to is Beau Waters, who found Hall at quarter-time and got a blood lip for his troubles. (Incidentally, Waters was robbed of the Norm Smith medal in the 2006 GF).

Improver: Beau Waters. Did I mention he should have had a Norm Smith medal by now?

Stinker: Chad Fletcher was supposed to step into the void created by Judd and Cousins’ departures and keep the West Coast midfield afloat. Instead he’s on the verge of playing WAFL two’s. In his defence, when he ‘flat-lined’ in Vegas, he may have brought the spirit of Phil Narkle back with him.

Part Two coming, well, probably next week.

Barry, Bucks & Funny Dog Poop

As I was not quite happy with yesterday’s blog, and cause I wanted to get rid of that picture of Mark Williams, this week is now value packed, with some more random thoughts:

Barry Hall
Australian sport hasn’t seen a whack like that since the Olympic swimming trials. Granted, Barry wasn’t really looking where he was swinging when he smoked Brent Staker on the weekend, but he certainly hit the sweet spot. Staker was out like Julian Clary. Of course, with the Swans recent Tribunal record, they’ll probably blame Barry’s off-season laser eye surgery, bring Adam Goodes in as a character witness and then have a physiological expert from the Kennedy assassination testify to the “Glass Jaw Theory”. If Jordan Lewis got a week for his “strike” on Daniel Pratt then Barry Hall has to get eight. Either that or the captaincy for any future Irish tours.

Richmond Power
Let me get this straight, after four rounds Richmond are in the top eight, have won interstate and have two more wins than last year’s Grand Finalists Port Adelaide? While I’m disappointed to have to put my “Good Riddance Terry Wallace” blog on hold, it’s great, just great, to see Port struggling. In the last quarter against Brisbane, at home, in the teeming rain, they gave up 9 goals after leading by 40+ points at three-quarter time. Their next four games are against West Coast in Perth, St.Kilda, the newly-awesome Richmond and then Hawthorn in Tassie. So, it’s quite conceivable that Port could be 1-7 after the first two months of the season. Perhaps I should hang on to a draft of that “Good Riddance” blog and just change the name from Terry Wallace to Mark Williams.

Numb3rs
If there are that many cases that can be solved using mathematical algorithms, shouldn’t the FBI just hire their own maths guy? I mean, sure, it’s his brother and all, but he’s got a full-time university job, I’d imagine he’s a busy guy: “Ahh geez, you want me to solve another one of your cases? You know I have my own shit to do, right? What do you guys do when I'm not there?”

Hawthorn
Alright, you’ve convinced me, Hawthorn. I’ll stop tipping against you, I’ll stop saying “I’m just not sold yet” and I’ll start taking you seriously. Seriously. And Richard Tambling over Buddy Franklin could go down as the AFL’s version of Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan. Hear that, Hawks? I just compared Buddy to MJ. Happy now? No such luck for you though, Western Bulldogs. Like a red-headed step-child you’ll have to work twice as hard for my love.

Worst Case Scenario
Let’s assume all three possible Geelong tribunal candidates (Mooney, Gamble and West) miss next week, who do we have to come in to the side? (And by the way, losing Mooney has been one of my only fears for this team; there doesn’t appear to be anyone else capable of holding down centre half forward for any long stretch of the season.) In the VFL we have Brent Prismall unlucky not to be a walk up starter in the seniors, Gamble clone Jason Davenport who kicked four this week, Mackie possibly coming back from injury as well as Varcoe, Tenace, Byrnes and David Johnson all fighting to get back into the side. Add to that a couple of rookies who have been ok in key forward Scott Simpson and ruckman Shane Mumford. Personally I don’t think West will go and therefore will be available to pinch hit down forward. I’d go with Prismall and Mackie if he’s fit, and if not, another runner like Davenport. I’d also give Junior some time in the forward line this week, just a hunch.

Toy Dump
Did you know there’s a toy dog on the market now that actually takes little toy dumps? Is that going a little too far? We already have dolls that piss themselves, so now we’ve got little kids changing the fake kid and then picking up the fake dog’s fake crap? I’d want a fake divorce. Who, exactly, wants to pretend to clean up shit? Why don’t you step up to the real thing? How about we start selling child size buckets and mops and send the kids over to my place to ‘play’? “Start in the bathroom kid, and I hope you brought your toy plunger cos last night’s Thai did NOT go quietly.”

St.Kilda
Just a thought, but perhaps it’s not their three man forward line, or their lack of leg speed that’s hurting them; maybe they’re just not that good. Have a look at their list. After Riewoldt, Kosi, Hayes, Dal Santo and maybe Goddard, it drops away pretty bloody quickly. Montagna? Leigh Fisher? Gram? Maybe. After that comes the Clarke Bros. and Jason Blake. Ugh. Maybe Walnut was a genius and over-performed in his reign, making the list look better than it was, kinda like the anti-Terry Wallace.

Commentators
I’ve really been enjoying Nathan Buckley’s work on Channel 7. He actually gives you insight and knowledge from someone obviously not long out of the game. Mind you, his columns in The Age are still pretty bad, but on TV he sounds like Noam Freakin’ Chomsky compared to David Schwarz.

Captain out.

"I Can't Get Me No..."

It is a modern day rivalry. Two young upstart Victorian teams, battling it out in highly anticipated, physical and usually entertaining contests. And even though the Cats have taken the upper hand in recent time, there is still something extremely satisfying about beating the Saints.

There is something satisfying about hearing Leigh Montagna, talk up his team’s chances during the week, minutes after dismounting a Luna Park roller-coaster. I got flashbacks of Walnut Thomas taking his then undefeated team to a midweek session of ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ instead of hitting the track at Moorabbin, and then getting duly beaten that weekend. Montagna was quoted as saying, “if the midfield start getting their hands on the footy first and give good supply to our key forwards and the defenders hold up…” So let me get this straight, Leigh, if the midfiled plays well, and the forwards play well, and the backline plays well, you might be a chance to win? Gee, ya think? As Mrs Watson said, “Leigh Montagna: Alleged rapist, confirmed asshole”.

There is something satisfying about beating the Saints vaunted, three-pronged tall forward line. (Yes, I used the word vaunted.) As the game has evolved into a constant flowing and running midfielders game, St.Kilda has been stuck with a top-heavy forward line which leaves them vulnerable on the rebound. With forward pressure being a buzz term at the moment, the Saints had Fraser Gehrig leaning against the point post and Stephen Milne eyeing off open drinks in the crowd as Scarlett and co repeatedly waltzed out of defence to set-up goals. It was also satisfying to see Harry Taylor more than hold his own against Riewoldt. (While we’re on Taylor, are we sure it isn’t just Matthew Egan in a different jumper? Great draft pick, Cats.)

There is something satisfying about seeing the Cats midfield respond after getting dominated in the clearances in the first quarter. Corey, Ling, Bartel and the rest turned it on when the Cats were challenged and, through a quick burst of about five goals in ten minutes during the third quarter, put the game out of reach. They have the look of a team that knows how to win and is hungry for a fight. The more the Saints pushed the more the Cats pushed back.

There is something satisfying about seeing Geelong’s second and third ruck options compete well against a team with a notoriously shitty ruck division. The silkworm Mark Blake, Mrs Watson’s favourite player, is growing in confidence and has already improved from last year. Trent West has also been impressive and looks surprising capable down forward as well (you heard it here first.)

There was something satisfying about the Cats physicality and willingness to impose themselves on the contest and the man. There are probably a few incidents that will be looked at by the match review panel, but it is good to remember that it is a contact sport, and the best teams have always had a physically imposing element to them. It’s also satisfying to see guys like Dal Santo and Clarke get whacked occasionally.

There is something satisfying about sending Saints fans home early, and hearing Mrs Watson heckle them down the aisle, regardless of age (yes, that’s right, he gave a Granny a send-off). Actually, it was good to hear him, and occasionally join in, in sledging any Saints fans within earshot all day. If any of them were in doubt about our thoughts regarding Aaron Fiora having testicles, well, we certainly cleared those concerns up.

Whatever it is, that sense of extra satisfaction is always present after beating the Saints. Perhaps it goes back to that pre-season grand final and the whole ‘best young list in the competition’ thing. Perhaps it’s because of the amount of hype and press they have received over the past few years. Perhaps it’s because of their over-styled hair, or because Grant Thomas was a ‘Grade A’ whack-job, or because Stephen Milne is a dirty, rat-fuck, ‘alleged’ date rapist…

Actually, yeah, it’s probably that last one.