The Ashes: Day One, or, Michael Slater: Backseat Driver

There’s nothing quite like that first morning of an Ashes series. And as Hayden and Langer entered the arena, it struck me that opening batsmen are the modern day gladiators, heading out to do battle with helmets, armour and swords of willow. And as the crowd roared to a fervour pitch, Harmison delivered the first ball of the series, passing the batsmen and smacking it nicely into the hands… of 2nd slip. Yep, an absolutely wild delivery that Langer would have been lucky to reach with a barge pole. So much for a competitive series, I mused. And as Australia eased their way to 1/140 after the first session, I feared I may have been right. Some other thoughts:

Channel 9 has abandoned the tried and tested method used for cricket commentary everywhere else in the world, and has inexplicably included a third man in the booth. It’s almost like they’re so hyped about the series themselves that they decided to put an extra man in, looking to squeeze every possible angle out of every ball. The only thing is I’m so used to the 2 man commentary team, that when the 3rd voice pops up, it’s completely confusing. Two commentators will be in the middle of a civilised conversation and then Michael Slater chimes in, completely off-topic, with his 2 cents worth. I keep thinking that Slats must have over-powered Richie Benaud and forced his way in. It’s like talking to someone in the front seat of a car and having a guy in the back poke his head through the gap in seats, eager to join in. It’s off putting and I wonder whether Channel 9 will persevere with it throughout the series. I mean, if they cancel it now they can write it off as a first day once-off, but if they cut it halfway through the next test it’s gonna be uncomfortable. Especially for Slater, the ‘backseat specialist’.

Dick Ponting looks in good nick, and I can not understand why fast bowlers continue to give him anything short. At the time of writing, tea on Day 1, he has reached the 60’s and is starting to look more and more comfortable and confident. And most of those runs have come from pull shots. Ponting has a habit of looking very scratchy at the start of his innings, walking across his stumps, and getting stuck planting his front foot, but you can always tell when he’s up and going ‘cos his feet start to move. And watching him wander down the wicket to James Anderson, on a pretty flaccid GABBA wicket, means he could be in for big one.

It might be the nerves of the first test, the travel, or the batting friendly GABBA pitch, but England’s bowling line-up looks like it’s lacking a fair bit of penetration. They do miss Simon Jones, who is whippy and swings it both ways, and Flintoff is just back from injury where he didn’t bowl at all for months on end, but the others haven’t stepped it up. ‘Ugly’ Hoggard looks useless without England’s permanent overcast conditions and ball affecting throat lozenges; Harmison looks like he could barely tie his shoelaces and is all over the shop; and James Anderson hasn’t exactly looked dangerous either. Personally I would have gone with Mahmoud instead, something the English selectors might do sooner rather than later. And as for Ashley Giles, talk about lacking penetration, the guys spins it less the Darren Lehman, and when he bowled the on-screen graphic actually read, ‘left-arm darts’.

And finally, it’s good to see that Richie Benaud is still as dry as ever. After Kevin Peterson injured his knee while sliding awkwardly to field a ball, Richie chimed in with, “Shades of Simon Jones…” referring to the English paceman who famously wrecked his knee sliding into a fence on the very same ground during the last Ashes tour. I reckon the whole Northern stand could collapse, crushing thousands, and Richie would pause, letting the viewers take in the horrifying scenes for just long enough, then, ‘I’d say they’d be in a bit of trouble there…’ Hats off, Richie.