What Dallas has to do with Ladykiller, or, how to remove the walnut smell – permanently!



Captain: Although it’s the right move to sack ‘Walnut’ Thomas, from a comedic standpoint, I think I would have preferred to see him stay in the job for the next 25 years; I’ve got a whole bag full of ‘Nut’ jokes I haven’t used yet. The Saints aren’t completely out of the woods though, they still have the joker that employed Thomas to begin with as club president; seriously, did you see Rod Butters’ hair at the press conference? They ain’t winning shit if he stays involved.

Mrs. Watson: You heard it here first folks (or maybe you’ve already heard somewhere else), Leigh Matthews has his sights on the St Kilda coaching job. And, in order to fashion some sort of premiership side out of the pack of pretty boys that currently exist in Saints-land, he’s asked that the whole side shave their heads, drop all D-grade celebrity girlfriends, and stop drinking Bicardi Breezers (at least in public). He’s also asked for a dry cleaner to sweep through his new office as the strong stench of roasted nuts is a little too much for even Leigh Matthews to bear. He was given the job after promising not to use any sentence with the word “injuries” in it as an excuse. Anyway, Captain, I have a two part question for you. Part one, what chance do we have of scoring Daniel Bradshaw down here in Catland? And, two, do we want him?



Captain: In short, not much, and hell yes! You know Brisbane will be demanding at least the Cats first round draft pick, a good young player and potentially Tom Lonergan’s good kidney. And if history, and the Kangaroos, has shown us anything, it’s that it’s not worth mortgaging your clubs future by giving up no. 1 picks for recycled players. Especially in what is widely regarded as the deepest draft in years. Now, if we can get him for a reasonable price, well, the Cats need to pursue that as hard as they can. What’s a reasonable price? Maybe a second rounder, a player and the deed to Kent Kingsley’s bar. Check out Bradshaw’s stats from this season. I think he was top 5 in contested marks and kicked 50+ goals; having him would allow Ottens to spend more time in the ruck, where his tap work is excellent. Any other ideas?

Mrs. Watson: Well, no doubt James Kelly is going to be involved in that trade some how. Excuse me while I picture our new improved forward line for a second…Daniel Bradshaw…Nathan Ablett…Hatchett Hawkins…Brad Ottens…Steve Johnson…Man, that’s sweet! Throw in the usual goals from Gablett and Chapman and we’re looking alright. Particularly when you consider Playfair won’t be around to drop sitters and Kent won’t be there to steal certain marks off the other forwards. Any nickname ideas for our new addition?

Captain: We’ve reached the nickname stage already? Hmmm, Bradshaw sounds pretty uppity, how about the Aristocrat? What about Dallas? No real reason for that one; it just sounds right. Who would you be ok with Geelong giving up to get Dallas? Using my player review as a rough guide, you probably wouldn’t want to lose any of the top level guys, but how about ‘Tickets’ Bartel, or ‘Boris’ Enright? Steve ‘Dog’ Johnson? What exactly is the Aristocrat worth?

Mrs. Watson: I think we’ll go with Dallas. Great nickname! In all honesty, I think I’d give’em Cameron Ling. Enright is brilliant, and most of the time, his possessions matter. We need him. I don’t think Brisbane would touch Dog Johnson with industrial grade gloves on, and as far as Tickets goes, I think without Ladykiller around to swoop on all the junkstats, he’d see even more of the ball than he already does. As much as I hate to say it, Ling would be my first option. I’m not sure the bastard could handle the Queensland sun though. He’d probably end up playing every home game with a 36+ sunblock mask on and still come off the ground bright red and swollen. Brisbane is no place for red knob, although Akermanis did seem to thrive up there.

Captain: I think we’d see the first Brisbane player in history to play all home games in long sleeves and a peaked cap. You know, I was kinda leading the charge to give Lips the ass, I figured 6 years is long enough, but now, and maybe its just the knowledge that Grant Thomas is available, I think maybe he should be given one more year. I know you are an unabashed Thompson fan; what should the club do about its head coaching position, and what will they do?

Mrs. Watson: Well, I think Lips will get at least another year and I think that’s fair enough. I mean, sure, if you buy into all the crap about Thompson screwing every player’s girlfriend under the Target sign on the Gary Ablett Terrace at KP, then you’re probably wanting to see him sacked. But if, like me, you see this year’s ridiculous rumours as typical Geelong bullshit, dreamt up by some skinner newbie sports reporter at the Geelong Fucking Advertiser trying to drum up his first big scoop, then you’re probably also smart enough to realise that the last half of the season was quite promising. And, while we may have taken a few steps back this year, do you really blame Lips entirely? C’mon, give me a fucking break! I think we’ve got a young enough list to give him another year, and I’m confident that 2007 won’t look anything like 2006. Having said that, if we could secure Guy McKenna for the position, I’d go back on everything I’ve just said.

Captain: Guy McKenna does seem like he’d be thorough; thorough in a ‘investigate the perfect angle to hit someone to buckle their ACL’ kinda way. I think Geelong could use a guy like that. In other coaching news, how’s Carlton’s form? They ask the AFL for a $2 million salvage package and then try and sack Pagan with his half a mil buy-out option! I reckon the only reason he’s still there is because Demetriou stepped in and said, ‘I don’t think so, boys’. Carlton are a joke; salary cap rorts, inflated player salaries, terrible coaching choices (Wayne Brittain, anyone?), idiotic off-field leadership and not to mention that they stink on the field. Seriously, how hard could it be to run a football club? I reckon you should approach them about the job, and be sure to put your categorical dream-team victory on your C.V.

Mrs. Watson: Ah, yes, what a sweet victory it was. A 2000 point trouncing! Man, I hope you guys are planning on putting forward a bit of a challenge next year. Geez! Perhaps the reason I won though, was because I wasn’t stupid enough to pick any Carlton players. It might be good idea if the Blues selection committee did the same next year. I thought Ottens was a good pick-up too, and I really only drafted him cause no-one else would. In my view, Scumbag had a pretty good season, and the fact that he was celebrating his good year in the driver’s seat of a moving vehicle, a week after Round 22, only makes me like him more. I have it on good authority that he was actually in Melbourne, because of a dare he had with Cameron Ling, to nick-knock all his ex-Richmond teammates in the middle of the night. Apparently at Matthew Richardson’s house, Terry Wallace came to the door rosy cheeked and dressed in a bath robe.

Captain: Geez, we can’t go a whole blog without taking a shot at Richo, or Terry Wallace, or just Richmond in general, can we? Not that they don’t deserve it. Yeah, I picked a couple of Carlton players (Brad Fisher, Jared Waite) and a whole group of players 3 years past their prime; essentially I was the dream team version of the Kangaroos. I’m warming to your Brad Johnson Brownlow tip, I think we should put a couple of green-backs down on him for a top 5 finish at least.

Mrs. Watson: Yeah, he’ll go well. I’m smelling an Adam Goodes victory, though, and I gotta tell ya, it reeks of a backed up porta-loo on the last day of the Colac Show. And while I’m whinging, I’d like to take this opportunity to question Nick Reiwoldt’s inclusion in the All-Australian team. This raises more questions than the recent Geelong Football Club Member Survey, but seemingly means that if you’re a good mark, and willing to do whatever it takes to keep Gary Lyon’s dick hard, you’re shoe in. What did you think of the team, Captain?

Captain: Ridiculous as always. Every year they pick a full-back, 3 full forwards and the rest are midfielders who they slot into the flanks. And Joel Bowden as centre half back? To use the immortal words of Jeff Thomson, Joel Bowden isn’t a centre half back’s asshole. He’s a loose defender who shares cheap possessions with his piss weak brother, and if he ever does play on the true power forwards in the league, he lasts 15 minutes before Terry Wallace goes to plan B, which, unfortunately for Tiger fans is usually Ray Hall. I would have preferred to see Lance Whitnall, or even Kane Cornes at CHB, Aaron Davey in a forward pocket and Ryan O’Keefe under a bus.

Mrs. Watson: Yeah, how did Kane Cornes miss out? As for Joel Bowden, as part of my dream team this year, he was a pleasure to coach. Keep him in mind for your 2007 team, Captain, or anyone else who racks up 20+ useless possessions every week, for that matter. They’re a fuckin’ goldmine! It might be a good idea to give David Hille a miss in the future, as well. Just a suggestion.

Out.