Diary of a Madman

For our overseas friends, and those who missed the game, I was good enough to keep a running diary of the Round two clash between Geelong and the Kangaroos. (All times relative to my rarely adjusted VCR. To be honest, you’re lucky it’s been changed since daylight savings.)

1:59 Coming to you live from the Captains couch! The fox footy team today is Jason Bennett, Glenn Manton, Wayne Schwass and boundary rider Richard Osbourne. Good to see foxtel brought the big guns down to Kardinia Park; what, was Phil Knarkle busy?

2:00 Line-ups are introduced, late changes for both teams, for Geelong, Shannon ‘Monty’ Byrnes out and Andrew ‘Smacky’ Mackie in. For the Kangaroos, Jon Hay out and first gamer Joel Perry in.

2:02 Interesting stat: Geelong has won 16 of their past 18 at Skilled stadium, holding opponents to an average of 65 points, opposed to 90 points at all other venues.

2:09 First gamer Perry keeps Ottens quiet for about 20 seconds before the big man marks 25m out. Good job there coach, way to build the rookie’s confidence. Ottens misses, which is unlike him, perhaps he’s wearing Kinglsey’s boots.

2:11 Mackie, who doesn’t seem to have an opponent, goals. Great, that’s another week in the seniors for him. Perhaps Laidley is trialling the rarely used, ‘opposition loose man in attack’.

2:13 Glenn Archer, who has lined up at full-forward is past it. He should have retired, stick a fork in him, he’s done. Shannon Grant has a ponytail that Cindy Brady would be embarrassed about. It’s about an inch long, completely unnecessary and makes him look like a poncy Euro soccer player.

2:15 Kingsley leads straight up the middle and marks, good signs. The Roos might miss Hay more than I thought. Kent kicks a point however; as Dr. Evil would say, pretty standard, really.

2:17 Archer hit’s the post from 2 metres out. What did I tell ya?

2:20 Kingsley marks again 15m out, on a slight angle. Meanwhile, there’s a scuffle in the goal square so Kent waits for the fight to escalate to the get the 50m penalty. Done and done. Hats off, Kingsley you magnificent bastard.

2:22 Kent again! That’s his second goal. Archer has been moved from full-forward already.

2:23 How good is Corey Enright? While being tackled he faked a right footed kick, then squeezed out one on the left, straight to a team-mate. Outstanding.

2:25 Mooney leaving the ground, bleeding like he’s just come back from Fight Club. I hope for the Roos sake that was an accident.

2:26 Steve Johnson replaces him and immediately fires a no-look, over the shoulder handball that misses the target. Oh well, back to the reserves. Or the Torquay pub.

2:29 Steve Johnson turns it over again, lucky it was to Cameron Thurley, who does nothing good with it.

2:29 Apparently Shannon Grant dives like a soccer player too. Dodgy free kick awarded, but he kicks into the man on the mark. Justice!

2:31 Ooh! I think Scarlett just belted Leigh Harding, good choice Matty!

2:32 Did Kingsley just take an overhead mark? Replay pending… Nope. Just touched it with the hands before bringing it back safely into the chest. He kicks truly, 3.1 for Kent so far, hammy must be fine.

2:36 Jess Sinclair claims a half-volley as a mark. I haven’t seen one that blatant since Australia’s cricket tour of South Africa. Umpire pays the mark and Sinclair gets a 50 metre penalty for the tackle which followed. Good to see the umpiring standards are similar to South Africa as well.

2:38 Wayne Schwass calls Joel Corey ‘under-rated’ for the 3rd time in about 25 seconds, breaking the previous record set by Dwayne Russell talking about Leo Barry. How long do people need to call you under-rated before you’re not?

2:39 Quarter time. The Kangaroo’s are shit, they’re never going to play any significant finals with their current coaching staff, playing list, and club philosophy. Just fuck off to the Gold Coast already. Geelong will shit this in.

2:48 Gary Jr. has the ball deep in the pocket on a set shot. It looks alright, it’s coming back… hits the post. His old man would have kicked that.

2:49 Archer throws it, not called. I think the umpires are afraid to call against him; he gets away with more cheap shots than anyone in the league. Well, maybe not Lloyd, but its close.

2:50 David Johnson - great beard.

2:51 Glenn Manton calls the Kangaroos the Lleyton Hewitt of the AFL. What, over-rated and annoying?

2:54 Kingsley has it again, 52m out, but the eyes are darting. This isn’t good.

2:55 Yep, Kent passes it, fucks it up, but Gaz bails him out, gives it back to him and Kent kicks a goal from about the same spot he had it in to begin with. Simple game, this.

2:59 The Roos play ugly, ugly football. You could say Laidley has put his stamp on the team.

3:01 Instead of shepparding for Chappy, Steve Johnson runs ahead, looking for the handball. Geelong, just a little sloppy this quarter.

3:04 Richard Osbourne from the sideline: “For every goal Geelong kicks into the wind, the Kangaroos need two with the wind…” Back to sleep now, Ozzy.

3:09 Geez, enough about the Kangaroos ‘Spirit’ already, they’re down by 5 goals, give it a rest Bennett.

3:11 A non-call leads to a Kangaroos goal, Geelong up by 24. Fox footy, can I get a free kick count?

3:13 Lead down to 18 points.

3:14 Just as the Roos start to come back, Kent marks and immediately stages for the 50m penalty. No dice. He kicks it anyway.

3:17 Halftime. Cats by 24 points. What’s with all the talk about the Kangaroos? The commentators, Jason Bennett especially, keep going on about how brave they were that quarter, yet for all that effort, commentator praise and dodgy free kicks, Geelong still won the quarter.

3:23 Fox footy still cant find a free kick statistic.

3:30 What’s with all these cars being marketed as ‘Extreme’ or ‘Funky’ or whatever other counter-culture is seemingly popular at the time? We’ve got roller-bladers and snow-boarders getting into 4WDs, cars dancing and playing basketball: Who comes up with these fucking clichéd ads? The whole point of any kind of counter, or sub, culture is that it’s moving away from the mainstream. As Eddie Vedder once said, “You couldn’t sell a grunge car because the people who are into grunge aren’t going to buy it; they’re going to say ‘fuck you, man’”. Here, here, Ed.

3:34 Richard Osbourne begins his halftime report with, “Whether you’re a Geelong supporter or a Cats supporter…” Didn’t think I’d ever say this, but I miss Christie Malthouse.

3:35 Quick shot of the Auskick kids and I’m pretty sure I saw Brent Harvey in there.

3:39 Laidley has started the 2nd half by moving Archer onto Kingsley, who immediately kicks a goal. Good job coach, the MENSA membership is in the mail. Even Glenn Manton is skeptical at this point.

3:40 I hadn’t finished writing that and Junior kicks another one, bursting from the middle of the ground.

3:42 Cam Mooney gets tangled up with a Roos player yet against every fibre in his body, doesn’t snot him. Shame, it was Harding again.

3:43 Oh shit! Leigh Brown’s head just bent backwards 180 degrees, as if he was looking at his own ass. He’s ok though. Any chance we can get his neck muscles transplanted into Ottens’ groin?

3:45 Cameron Thurley just got run down from behind by Steven King. Read that sentence again. That’s why we got rid of him.

3:47 That whole, ‘take a mark, then immediately point at the man on the mark’ thing, we get it, ok? It’s not primary school, no-one’s cheating at this point, just go back and take your kick.

3:49 Ablett roves in the forward line, dribbles it forward and hit’s the post again. He’s gotta lead the league in posters, can somebody find this out?

3:50 Milburn is penalized for knocking the arms of a Roos player in a marking contest and the crowd boos. Jason Bennett says, “The fans don’t know the rules”. A little bitter there, Jase? What’s the matter, just buy a Kangaroos membership? Meanwhile, Jarrad Rooke sprints with the flight of the ball and launches himself into the path of an on-coming Nathan Thompson to take the grab. Great stuff.

3:51 Glenn Manton is now taking shots at Archer, while his former team-mate, Schwass, tries to defend him. Gold.

3:52 Harding gets a free for in the back, which was tough on Will Slade. Picture this: two players sprinting for the ball, they both dive at it, the defender, who is behind, gets a clean punch on it, and the ball leaves the area and the contest. Now, as they both fall to ground, the defender lands on the leading forward, almost every time resulting in a free kick for a ‘push in the back’. The ball is well clear, it hasn’t affected the play, and it’s not a push. So why is it a free? I’m just saying…

3:53 While he lines up for goal, a small black eye has appeared on Harding, probably courtesy of Scarlett’s earlier short armed uppercut. Jason Bennett dobs Scarlett in while trying to find out if his membership is refundable.

3:54 Geelong moves the ball quickly and easily as Jimmy Bartel marks and goals. He has been reasonably quiet, however.

3:55 Corey Jones picks up a loose possession in the defensive 50 all by himself as a solitary boo comes from the crowd. Probably Mrs. Watson.

3:56 Kent takes another mark as he leads Archer to the ball by about 10 metres. Archer, probably slowed down by the fork sticking out of his back, subsequently gives away a 50m penalty and gives Kent another easy one from the goal square. That’s 8 goals to Kingsley, 8.1 to be exact. Maybe he did swap boots with Ottens. And by the way, that’s 7 unanswered goals for the Cats.

3:59 Steve Johnson makes it 8 unanswered, no, hang on, over-ruled by the field umpire who says it hit the post. Replay shows it missed the post by 2 feet. In related news, the same umpire will be adjudicating on all Damien Martyn LBW decisions in the next Ashes series.

4:01 Jarrad Rooke just nailed someone with a hip and shoulder while shepparding. I think it was Grant.

4:02 I think Schwass is starting to turn on Laidley now. Grant still sucking in the big ones.

4:04 Great, here’s the flood. Ladies & Gentleman, Dean Laidley!

4:05 Matthew Egan beats Nathan Thompson in the air one-on-one, then sheppards for Josh Hunt as the ball comes to ground. Well played.

4:07 Another rubbish free kick, and 50m penalty resulting in a Kangaroo shot at goal. Where are the fucking free kick stats, fox footy? The goal is missed.

4:07 Three quarter time. That was a 7 goal to zip quarter, Cats lead by 64 points. How’s that Kangaroo fighting spirit, Bennett?

4:18 The fourth quarter seems pretty dead as North get another free kick. ( I’m sick of calling them the kangaroos, its North Melbourne, alright? If not, as I said, just fuck off to Queensland). Still no free kick count. Manton openly questioning Laidley now.

4:20 Glenn Archer gets his second kick for the day.

4:25 I don’t mean to pick on him, but twice now Steve Johnson has pretended to trip over rather than chase his opponent.

4:26 Daniel Wells and Cam Mooney both sprinting to a loose ball, you know what’s gonna happen, right? Wells looks up, hesitates, Mooney bumps him and grabs the ball. Footsteps Wells, footsteps.

4:28 Bartel kicks the first goal of the last quarter. Bartel, David Johnson, Steve Johnson and Joel Corey all sporting a beard.

4:30 Kent takes another one on the lead is lining up for number 9. Not this one. Drifting kick going across the face… OTTENS! The big man takes the grab and kicks the goal, putting the ball onto the roof of the Hickey stand. Nice.

4:33 Another 50m penalty resulting in a goal for North. That’s 4 goals from free kicks for them.

4:35 Geez, North suck, I wonder what the temperature is on the Gold Coast today?

4:40 Corey Jones, another garbage time goal for North.

4:42 Just as the siren is about to go Ablett competes with 2 defenders in the goal square, brings the ball to ground then somehow squeezes a kick between them for the goal, his fourth.

4:43 Game Over. Final Score Geelong 22.6, 138 defeat North 10.9, 69.

Extra: Back to the Fox Footy Central team, Jason Dunstall and Wayne Carey. Dunstall’s hair seems to match his beard; he has the ‘soul patch’ and a corresponding stand alone patch on his forehead. Scary, scary stuff for those with HDTV.