Welcome to The Captain’s Cabin as I present a running diary of the Collingwood West Coast game! Tonight’s game is brought to you by 3 Melbourne Bitter long-necks and half a pack of Dunhill Blues!
Pre-Match: Beau Waters, my sleeper Norm Smith pick last year and front-runner for ‘off-season alcohol/violence/drug problem’ this year, is a late withdrawal. The Pies have lost Josh Fraser. Not to injury, they've just lost him.
1st Quarter: You know, seeing as though the Cats will be playing the winner of the tonight’s game I thought it might be a good idea to get a little insight into each team, make a few jokes about Matt Priddis’ hair and pray for players to start dropping like in the first five minutes of ‘Saving Private Ryan’. But after 15 minutes of David Schwarz and no goals, I’m thinking I might have to cut this thing short.
12 minute mark: Replay of Sean Rusling going at a mark and then completely dropping his head out of the way. Straight out of the Kent Kingsley play book that one. Not good signs.
15 min: Great. Ashley Hansen looks like he’s done that hamstring again. Well, there go the Eagles chances. When Hansen plays the Eagles are something like 40-5 over the past 3 seasons. Without him it’s about 7-12. Something crazy like that. Oh, and yes, I’m going for West Coast.
20 min: Finally someone scores a goal and it’s Paul Freakin’ Medhurst? I just spent 20 minutes telling my friend Matt how the Pies need to lose this joker. Mind you, Dean Cox kicked it straight to him. Must have thought he was a team-mate with that hair cut.
Quarter Time
West Coast 0.4 (4) Collingwood 1.5 (11)
Channel 7 just showed a stat that the Eagles have never had a goalless first quarter at Subiaco. They followed this up with a stat that said Tim Watson and David Schwarz have never been seen in the same room together.
2nd Quarter
5 min: After an early Dean Cox goal, Andrew Embley runs along the wing, has two bounces and bangs one in from 50. Hey, remember when Embley had that throat thing, and couldn’t talk for a while? Did anyone else find him more likeable when he couldn’t speak?
7 min: Dane Swan, most over-rated man in the AFL, goals from a set shot. Look how short his legs are. He’s like a centaur with the back half cut off.
20 min: Finally this game is opening up a bit! In the space of 3 minutes we’ve had goals to Chad ‘Flatline’ Fletcher, Alan ‘Killer’ Didak and Mark ‘Frenchie’ LeCras. In that same time I’ve had three terrible nickname jokes.
28 min: The Pun-dog! David Wirrpanda goals after James Clement’s kick-in goes straight down his throat. I’m now looking forward to the next Collingwood kick-in and the obligatory, “I’ll take this one, Champ.”
Half Time
West Coast 5.5 (35) Collingwood 4.8 (32)
For West Coast, Dean Cox has been really good and Matt Priddis has 20 disposals already. If they win, Ling will probably get him next week in what will be a 'handsome' match-up. Rowan Jones, on the other hand, has to be the worst Eagle ever, narrowly edging out Daniel Metropolis.
For Collingwood, Sean Rusling looks a little out of his depth tonight while that mid-week trip to the Spearmint Rhino seems to have freshened up Alan Didak.
3rd Quarter
6 min: Quentin Lynch throws Wakelin and goals early for the Eagles. While we’re talking about the big Q-tip, where would you put his IQ? I’m guessing somewhere between a fig and Miss Teen South Carolina.
9 min: Goal to Priddis. Seriously, someone at the club needs to say something about that hair.
15 min: Another goal to the Pun-dog! Another fuck-up from James Clement! Eagles look like they’ve finally found their rhythm and go 22 points clear. This one could be over. Cue crucial Daniel Chick mistake…
25 min: Travis Cloke wakes up for long enough to take a grab and snap a goal from in close. Meanwhile, somewhere in Australia, his brothers are on to their 9th bourbon can and deciding whether to call their used car dealership ‘Cloke Bros Motors’ or ‘Jason and Cameron’s crazy world of fantabulous automobiles and flying machines!’
30 min: John Worsfold puts his hand up for the memorial Grant Thomas Award by simultaneously taking Dean Cox out of the middle and Darren Glass off Anthony Rocca. Collingwood respond to these devastating tactics by getting two quick centre clearances and 2 goals to Rocca in 2 minutes. (By the way, don’t you think we should start calling him Tony Rocca? It just seems to fit.)
Three Quarter Time
West Coast 8.10 (58) Collingwood 7.12 (54)
Thanks to Woosha’s genius moves the Pies are not only within a kick, but have a huge sniff. Both teams haven’t been great so it’s going to come down to who has the momentum at the right time. Well, either that or a crucial Daniel Chick fuck up.
4th Quarter
8 min: Frenchie LeCras gets a light free kick which I was about to complain about until I saw it was against Heath Shaw. Another over-rated Magpie. Meanwhile, Rowan Jones has just broken the record for ‘most contests pulled out of’ for a game. Daniel Metropolis is rolling in his grave.
12 min: Goal to Medhurst. I can’t believe the commentators keep saying how well he’s played. Then again, it is Channel 7. And while we’re on the subject, what’s Leigh Matthews doing there? He’s not on the game call, but popped up at half time with two or three useless sentences. That’s Tim Watson’s job. I’m confused.
15 min: Didak pulls one out of his ass from outside 50. Pies in front. Fucking wannabe gangster.
20 min: Matt Rosa goals from a set shot from 50m after marking a Nathan Buckley kick from deep in defence. Bucks has missed a few targets tonight, maybe it’s not time to start penciling him in next year just yet. Eagles back in front.
24 min: Daaaaale. Daaaaale. Dale Thomas puts Collingwood back in front. Not long to go.
28 min: Andrew Embley levels the scores. The ball is in Collingwood's forward line, players go everywhere, diving on it, trying to force it forward or back. Spoils, smothers, tackles, SIREN! We’re going to Overtime!
4th Quarter Time(?)
West Coast 10.12 (72) Collingwood 10.12 (72)
For only the second time in AFL history we’ll have extra time. Two five-minute halves, a two-minute break as they change ends, no coaches allowed on the ground, hands wrapped in bandage, dipped in resin and covered in broken glass.
Overtime: After a point each, Carlton reject Chris Bryan kicks the first goal of overtime. If they’re still tied after extra time I believe they’ll play another 10 minutes. And after that I think it comes down to a spelling bee. Good thing for Collingwood that Josh Fraser is out.
The second half of overtime flies by with the Pies spilling a crucial ball out of the middle to Pendlebury who goals. Dane Swan then pumps his little legs into an open goal right on the siren. The Pies kicked nine of the last 11 goals of the match. Ouch.
Final Score
West Coast 10.14 (74) Collingwood 13.15 (93)
Next Friday night. Preliminary Final. Geelong v Collingwood. Let the good times roll.
posted by the captain at 3:21 pm
6 Comments:
I'm glad you mentioned Geelong is playing Collingwood next Friday night, because you can bet your stunningly literate gob that the cats will have a total of 13 words written about them while the entire Amazon is destroyed in order to provide enough surface for all the Collingwood print that will be shoved down our throats in the next 6 days.
Miss Teen South Caralina.. gold.
Right now I am in a cold sweat. The AFL have decided to play the Geelong v Collingwood match at 7pm on a Friday night. What does this mean? It means that any Australians in California have no chance of seeing this match live on TV, as it's aired at 2am, and we all know bars in California close at fricking 2am. What am I to do?! If anyone knows anyone in California with a TV, 6 pack of Miller high life and the Setanta sports channel, throw me a line!!
The saturation coverage of Collingwood and their low-altitude-flying, clash jumper-wearing antics will be perfect for the Cats, who can rouse themselves from a relaxing two-week break sometime midweek and wander down to the MCG on Friday night feeling relaxed and refreshed.
Meanwhile the bookies are not fooled. Collingwood paying $3.85.
I am more nervous now that I think I will be for the GF.
I can't do this again next year...
Good luck Geraldo, hope you manage to find a telecast.
(Pardon me while I indulge in a bit of a whinge!)
Meanwhile over here in the West, Cats' supporters continue to be treated shabbily. Would you believe that channel 7, in their infinite wisdom (and total disregard for non-Wet Toast Seagulls or Shockers supporters), have decided NOT to provide a live telecast of Friday's game? When I phoned and spoke to the channel 7 receptionist yesterday, she told me that we have to settle for a 40 minute delay, so that the footy doesn't interfere with their news broadcast. Mind you, that rule didn't apply last week when the WCE/Pies game was shown live in Perth!
The West Australian media appears to have it in their heads that the national competition is the
(WA)AFL!
PRICKS!!!!
-Basso Divor
Basso: I go through this shit all the time. Friday just gone I was in Cambodia and watched it with about a 20 minute delay. I think next year I might move there in the winter in order to get better AFL coverage
-Tee (also from Perth)
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