The Chicken Or The Egg



Captain: Alright Mrs. Watson, we’ve finally gotten rid of Chris Connolly, just Terry Wallace to go, right? I remember the good old days when Richmond was a powerhouse team finishing ninth. What a frickin dream ninth is for the Tigers these days! Why does Terry continue to avoid media scrutiny despite the fact that the Tigers are performing worse now than they ever have?

Mrs. Watson: Believe it or not, it's because he's a whiz at putting together very convincing PowerPoint presentations. While many of us struggle to make our own presentations remotely interesting, Wallace is able to spew the most absurd Premiership predictions into a laptop, mash the keyboard with elbows and unleash a presentation the likes of which Richmond devotees have never seen. But seriously, while Tiger fans were busy drooling of Terry’s ridiculous 2011 Premiership prediction (and thereby buying himself another good five years at the helm), the rest of us were wondering where the fuck Wallace got his time machine. Caroline Wilson told me that after blowing Terry Wallace before a press conference, the coach admitted to her that he outbid Dennis Pagan for a working Dolorean on eBay. Dennis was hoping to go back in time, to the late 90’s, when teams coached themselves.

Captain: Is that why Caro’s got a lisp? Anyway, let’s recap: Daniher’s gone, Connolly’s gone (albeit 2 seasons too late), Pagan is halfway gone and Terry, having just returned from covering Biff in manure, is getting ready to coach Essendon in 2027. Lips Thompson is also out contract at seasons end, you think other clubs will come sniffing?

Mrs. Watson: Sure, there'll be a lot of sniffing, but nothing will come of it. There's a fresh contract sitting in Lips' inbox as we speak, just waiting for him to run his PaperMate across the dotted line. I mean, really, Costa's got enough cash in glove box to keep Thomo happy for a few years, and after this year, I can't see the coach giving up the easiest coaching job in football for a mere change of scenery. I mean, while there ain't much more to G-Crack at the moment than cash loan shops and rape headlines, we do have the best football team in the land - and coach Lips knows it. I did notice, however, that you left Sheedy off your list there, El Capitano. Are you confident he'll be there in 2008?

Captain: No-one at Essendon has the balls to fire him and he knows it. Hell, they’ll probably still be propping him up in the box Weekend at Bernies style in another 28 years. And besides, whose gonna give Gary Ayres another team to ruin? A little closer to home, did I read the ‘ins & outs’ correctly? Varcoe out, Shannon Byrnes in? I’d like to go on the record right now saying that we’ll lose to the Dogs due to Byrnes kicking 1.7.

Mrs. Watson: Not a truer thing ever written, my friend. Varcoe was appalling last weekend, but surely there’s someone other than Monty to squeeze into the forward line. When’s Davenport going to get a game? What about Prismall? I guess Byrnes is pacier than those guys, which is what we need this week, but it’s not as if Donnie’s a slowcoach either. What are your thoughts on our friend Varcoe, anyway? You a fan?

Captain: I’ll tell ya what I’m a fan of, have you seen Mark Philipoussis’ new reality TV show? They line ‘The Poo’ up next to a 35mm timber chisel and contestants have to pick who has the better personality. Outstanding. Speaking of dickheads, any thoughts on Jeffrey Farmer?

Mrs. Watson: None whatsoever. I’d forgotten he’d existed. Life was good. Luckily I don’t think we’ll be seeing much more of him on the footy field in the future, though. Despite the fact the Dockers are an ass sandwich this year, Farmer’s a walking fist fight, and not worth the trouble. Sure, he kicks goals on shallow backlines, but the Fremantle Football Club can’t afford the distraction of another press conference the next time Farmer gets boozey and king hits a parked car. What the fuck is going on in Western Australia, anyway? How did the majority of wife bashing, coke sniffing, ass baring, mulleted footballers end up out there? I mean, were these guys douchbags before they hit Perth, or is this how WA rubs itself off on people? The chicken or the egg?

Captain: Let’s see, the douchebag hatches from the egg, which is laid by a chicken which then moves to Ocean Grove and fits right in. Quick, let’s do some word association: Travis Cloke.

Mrs. Watson: Who?

Captain: Ross Lyon.

Mrs. Watson: Asshole.

Captain: Campbell Brown.

Mrs. Watson: Invisible.

Captain: Hawthorn, the real deal?

Mrs. Watson: Are you joking? No! That’s ridiculous.

Captain: Freo’s next coach.

Mrs. Watson: Sumich.

Captain: Friday night’s game.

Mrs. Watson: Certain victory.

Captain: Well I can’t say I share your confidence. I sense a danger game. But it’s good to have you back, Mrs. W.