Feeding the Lyon to the Saints, or, How to make a Walnut Salad

How’s the form of former St.Kilda coach Grant Thomas? After being fired by his best mate he refuses to repay a million dollar loan, invites players out on the piss during the week, trys to get a job with the club’s main sponsor and now he’s taking shots at Matthew Pavlich. How anybody, let alone ‘Walnut’ Thomas, can assume what The Pav, or anyone else, would say under hypnosis is ridiculous. Why does Walnut even have those kind of thoughts? “I just reckon, that if Richo was on the Titanic he’d save the women and children first… But he might have trouble launching the life boats…Especially if he’d been drinking… Although, if it was with dinner, probably not… Unless he had the fish… and a good Riesling, say the 2000 Reserve Particuliere Kientzler…” Why be so cryptic about it? Couldn’t he just say that he thinks The Pav lacks leadership?

I mean, that’s just what we need, another untrained monkey with a column in the age and an axe to grind. Talk about a conflict on interest, I don’t know how all these coaches get 800 words a week to push there own agendas while I’m left here writing this GOLD to the handful of people I know left in Geelong and two blokes in Perth. It’s not fair. Malthouse writes for the Australian, Sheedy works for the Herald-Sun, Rocket Eade is on Fox Footy, Chris Connolley’s got his own segment on the Western Australian news and I’m pretty sure Paul Roos and Dean Laidley are in discussions to star in a remake of ‘Top Gun’.

And while I’m at it, how is it we have player agents like Liam Pickering commentating games? No conflict of interest there? You’re telling me we can’t find anyone else in Australia that can tie a Windsor knot and make the kind of game breaking insights that Pickers does? ‘Hey, that Chris Judd’s pretty good around the stoppages.’ Good pick up there, Liam! And for a while there Eddie MacGuire was president of Collingwood and the frickin TV station that broadcast their games! Talk about a conflict on interest, Rene Rivkin must have been rolling in his grave… Or was still alive then, giving shady stock market advice and balancing Steve Vizards chequebook?

But at least ‘Walnut’ Thomas has taken the focus of his under performing former team. Did you know they are only above Richmond and Melbourne on the ladder? Did you know they’ve scored the fewest points in the league? That’s right, the forward line of Gehrig, Riewoldt, Koschitzke and Milne, is not only harder to spell than the entire United Nations cabinet, but has kicked less goals than the winless Tigers.

I wonder if Saints fans miss the Grant Thomas era yet; the crazy crash diets, the trips to the movies, those creepy shots of him and his 15 kids… Seriously, who would have thought that when the Saints essentially had to choose between Walnut Thomas and that prick Rod Butters, that they made the wrong choice. Granted, it’s like choosing between an hour long prostate exam and an extended colonoscopy, but Thomas is coming up smelling like roses in all of this: Look at what’s happened since they fired Walnut.

1) The same team that played finals last year are now 14th on the ladder;
2) they recruited Michael Gardiner and Matthew Clarke as their ruck solution, which is like booking Hall & Oates as the headliners for the Warped tour;
3) Their injury list is comparable, if not better than last year, although recent tests have revealed that Aaron Hamill is actually made of straw;
4) the board has lost the members and fans, to the point that they’re considering Steve Bedwell as a replacement, a man most famous for writing for ‘Tonight Live with Steve Vizard’;
5) and their best players have been the 40 year old Robert Harvey and ‘alleged’ date rapist Leigh Montagna.

This is the team that everyone tipped for a succession of flags? This is the ‘best young list’ in the competition? This is Victoria’s only hope? Gimme a break.

Ross Lyon, eat shit. This is what you get for bringing that bullshit, ruining the AFL, rugby/soccer style of play to Melbourne. Although he is doing something else that’s pretty difficult – making Grant Thomas look like a frickin’ genius.