Application Pending



Dear Rick Hart, Cameron Schwab and the Fremantle board,

Re: Coaching Vacancy

Hello, my name is The Captain and I'm writing in application for the role of senior coach at the Fremantle Football Club. Admittedly, my coaching experience is slim to none; my last stint being that in charge of my younger brother’s under-15 basketball team. And my involvement with football as a player has been limited; my playing days having ended in the under-14s when my body refused to cooperate and initiate puberty, thus leaving me to receive a weekly pummelling from my further developed, so-called peers. I do, however, have some ideas for the FFC ‘moving forward’, as they say, so please read on.

If appointed to the role the first thing I would do is a full player review, which, in case you didn’t know, is code for “sack the shit players”. Now, if you’d just look inland a little bit, just up the Swan River, you’ll see that other shining example of a West Australian club who have had plenty of success while you clowns on the coast have had none. The difference? The players. The Eagles players are big personalities, well known, celebrities even. Who are the Dockers players? A bunch of frickin no-ones, that’s who! Everyone knows Chris Judd and Ben Cousins and Daniel Kerr, but even I, a leading applicant for the head coaching position, wouldn’t know Steven Dodd if Aaron Sandilands shat him out onto the bonnet of my car. This must change! We’ve got to leave the Dodds and the Grovers and the Hadrills of the world behind! We need bigger names! (Did you notice how I’m already saying ‘we’? That’s how confident I am in getting this job, I mean, seriously, you’re not gonna hire Harvey, the man can barely pour his own Coco Pops in the morning, let alone solve the ‘monkey maze’ on the back of the packet.) Now, this Shaun McManus bloke, he’s related to that little twerp on TV, isn’t he? Well bloody hell, what are you waiting for? Let’s get the players their own segment! Let’s generate some publicity, a bit of buzz! We could have ‘Guess Chris Tarrant’s Ass’ in which we’d show a series of Dockers players dates and have Hamish & Andy guess whose backend it is. We could even call it “Whose Ring is it anyway?” Get Drew Carey involved. Is it Matthew Carr’s ass? No, sorry, it’s vice-captain Peter Bell’s ass. Or how about a game show format where Jeff Farmer, Dean Solomon and Taz take 18 shots of Bourbon and members of the audience have to walk past them without being belted? Maybe we should get Rove to test drive that one. Or maybe we should just get them on the cans and let them kick the stuffing out of Rove, I mean, who wouldn’t watch that?

Next up those ridiculous uniforms must be changed. Now, you might be thinking that this is a minor, aesthetic issue, but you’re wrong. Put yourself in our players’ shoes; how are they expected to perform in a physical, full contact sport in fucking purple? No wonder everyone thinks you’re soft. You’re named after the most notoriously violent and brutal workers in this country’s history and you’ve got them wearing purple? Do you reckon any of these dock workers wear purple? No? You know why? ‘Cos it’s a poofter colour! Geez, how about we ditch the shorts and have them wear tutu’s instead? Our uniform should be made from the blood and bone and ground organs of the non-unionised workforce. It would come out a nice paisley-like brown colour and we’d never need clash jumpers because it would differ week to week and player to player depending on how many scabs we could round up that week. Merchandising may suffer, however. But, if you thought Victoria Park was a hard place to visit, imagine manning up on Pav in the goal-square when he’s wearing some bloody casual labour hire asshole’s asshole on his Guernsey!

We gotta change the theme song too. It is without a doubt the worst theme song anywhere. In fact, fuck the song; we won’t even have one, that’s how tough we’ll be. When we win we’ll go into the rooms and sacrifice the other team’s mascot, and I don’t mean the animal that represents them, I mean the actual fucking person inside the over-sized suit doing cartwheels at halftime. And then we’ll slow roast him over a low flame or maybe even bury him in a charcoal pit, hangi-style: I’m not sure yet but we’ll consult the dieticians to ensure the healthiest option for the players.

Also, I would cancel the end-of-season trip. This may not be popular at first, but I believe that by not drinking all year players develop a lower tolerance to alcohol and therefore are more inclined to do something stupid in a once-off binge. What we need is planned and controlled alcohol regime throughout the season to ensure our players have ‘match-hardened’ livers to better cope with public outings. I could also see this having a flow-on effect on game days; remember Ben Cousins’ run from the law? Now imagine that energy channelled onto the field, in all of our players. Again, I’ll check with the dieticians, but I believe straight vodka ought to keep the skin folds down and would be virtually undetectable in ‘Powerade’ bottles.

These measures might seem a little ‘left-field’, but the Fremantle Football Club can’t afford not to implement them! What do you think any of the other candidates are going to suggest? If you take one of these up-and-coming assistant coaches all they’re going to implement are a better fitness regime, refined skills and a competent game-plan. If that’s your bag then be my guest. You’ll be the laughing stock of the AFL. Or at least you would be, if you weren’t already.

Regards,

The Captain