Catching up, or, the Last Photo of Kent

1. The big announcement everyone had been waiting for finally came down last week; Kent Kingsley – delisted. You know, I think Kent quickly became the scapegoat for Geelong’s ‘season gone bad’ this year. I mean, sure he missed crucial goal after crucial goal, and he refused to chase or tackle or even compete if the ball didn’t hit him lace out, but I for one will look back on the Kingsley years with a particular fondness, the same way Lance Armstrong might look back on his removed testicle; sure it was a big part of who you were but if its gonna kill you, get rid of it. Also officially delisted were Paul Koulouriotis and Matthew ‘Mitts’ McCarthy, while rookie listed players Will Slade, Nick Batchelor and Tim Sherringham will not have their contracts renewed. It’s a tough game, isn’t it? If you don’t grab every chance you get, or in the case of Andrew Mackie and Charlie Gardiner, if you don’t have compromising photos of the club president, you can find yourself gone pretty quickly. And thus the Matthew McCarthy Era is over seemingly before it ever began. If only he could play against Carlton every week. Slade and Batchelor had their fans too, but no-one really cares about Sherringham. Ouch.

2. Speaking of the Club President, ol’ Franky has revealed that he was once being forced into buying Mafia approved food & veg. Since when has the Mafia been involved in produce? What was wrong with gambling, prostitution and drugs? How are you supposed to scare a guy, he wakes up and finds a head of lettuce in his bed? Anyway, apparently Frank scared them off. The quote in the paper was, “You go back and tell him that if one hair of any of my family is touched at all, he will get double that back in return to his family... Now I wouldn't know where to start finding somebody to go and do that sort of thing..." Did I not tell you Frank was a Godfather? Can’t you just see him now, walking around the GFC boardroom with a baseball bat, tapping it on the desk right in front of Bomber Thompson “Five losses in a row? I wouldn't know where to start finding somebody to do that sort of thing, now would I Mark…” No wonder that extraordinary general meeting never took place; there won’t be any board spill while ‘Don’ Costa is in charge. Never go against the family.

3. Does anyone give a crap about the International Rules Series? I mean, when it first started it was a kind of interesting experiment, a nice side project, to the usual AFL matters, but after watching it on the weekend it quickly became apparent that it’s lost any meaning it may have had. Firstly, the selection of the Australian team has quickly gone from the best players in the game, to the best players suited to Gaelic football, to whoever is available: Selwood, Fisher, and Campbell Brown? What, they couldn’t get Mark Chaffey? Was Adrian Deluca busy? (My name’s Deluca… I’m Carlton’s 2nd tall…) And as far as I can see, there are no ‘international’ rules, it’s Gaelic football. And our guys can’t kick the round ball. It’s embarrassing. Our countries toughest, fittest athlete’s getting beaten by potato farmers. And Gaelic football is ridiculous. It’s like playing soccer, only everyone can use their hands and you don’t have to kick it into the soccer goal. Tell me, what is the point of the goalie in Gaelic football? Then there's the fans invading the field, the streakers, the lack of security... But still, what did you expect from the Irish; these are the same people who gave us the IRA and Shane McGowan’s teeth. The AFL needs to axe this and bring back state-of-origin immediately; if you want to play against the Irish, fine, but don’t parade it as ‘International Rules’ to us AFL fans. Play Gaelic football and select Gaelic football players, ok? Otherwise Chris Johnson must be selected every year so his insatiable blood lust against the Irish can continue. Either way.

4. Neil Balme has just been named the General Manager of Geelong’s football operations, after coming across from Collingwood where he served a similar role. Personally, I like the decision. Sure Collingwood seem to be struggling both on and off the field, and he was an average coach in his time at Melbourne, but I always trust a fat man, for a fat man is incapable of guile. Completely guileless.

5. The 2007 fixtures were also recently announced, with Geelong getting a reasonable draw. (I think from now on we should call this the schedule. Draw is confusing because that is also a potential result, and fixture sounds like you’re shopping for light fittings or something.) The Cats only travel interstate 4 times (from memory) and have 8 games down at the Cattery. My only problem with this is that 5 of the KP games are on Sunday; don’t they realise that Mrs. Watson and I are chronic alcoholics? How can we be expected to consume our usual game-day amounts of booze and still maintain the thin veneer of an everyday work-life? I might have to get Frank to send a few people that 'he doesn’t know' to get this fixed. I mean, sure, Frank Costa has never laid eyes on me, so getting him to send some heavies to the AFL office to change the schedule for more Saturday games so I can continue drinking may be a stretch, but what, you what me to NOT drink at the footy? Now who's being naive.

Trade Week, or, No-one Wants Bobo

I don’t know what has me more excited; the combination of the two Bendigo hoodrats, Dean Solomon and Chris Tarrant, and the Greater Fremantle/Perth nite club scene, or the potential Michael Gardiner/Fraser Gehrig double arrest that I have tentatively pencilled in for early May. Yep, another trade week has been and gone and it seemed a little empty this year without Geelong overpaying for a washed up full-forward, although, there were stories that The Cats were chasing John Longmire…

Thumbs up
Richmond: Let’s see, the Tigers picked up Graeme Polak, who has played 70 games, is only 22 years old, is 6’5” and plays key-position defence, and it only cost them moving back 5 places in the 1st round. Seems like a steal, right? However, the question now is what exactly is wrong with Polak? It’s like when a guy you know breaks up with an absolute stunner who was out of his league to begin with; you immediately think, ‘shit, there must be something seriously wrong with her’, but then you also think, ‘still, it’d be worth it…’ Which is exactly what Richmond did. It’s basically a cheap gamble, and because I like gambling, I’m giving it the thumbs up.

Western Bulldogs: Sure there was the whole Akermanis thing, but they also picked up Andrew MacDougall from the Eagles for a swap of 3rd round picks, which means they finally have a full-forward who doesn’t belong in the 6 foot and under league and it only cost them 5 or so places in the 3rd round. Plus he has that whole W.A. mullet thing going on. Outstanding. As for Aker, yes they got him for a good price (pick 34), yes he’ll be 30 next year, yes he is constantly seeking attention via the press (someone give the man a hug) but really, I don’t know why they wanted him. It’s not like they’re short on pace. And the guy obviously needs things going his way; winning Brownlows and premierships, nice as pie – start losing and he’s giving away team plans, calling his coach a fuckwit and isolating team-mates. If it didn’t work for Lethal I can’t see it being any different for Rocket. But we’ll see, and I guess I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt for now.

Collingwood: I must admit, I’m a bit of a Tarrant fan, but the Pies did well getting as much value for him as they did, including another top 10 pick, especially considering the last time he played a decent game The Baha Men had a no.1 single. As for Medhurst, he’s basically there to keep Alan Didak’s seat warm for him. And although they’re big shoes to fill, he already has the stumpy legs and terrible hair, so now he just needs to assault some women, drunkenly abuse some cab drivers and kick people on the field. Congratulations Collingwood, here’s another player every other AFL fan hates. Wait, did I put this in the ‘Thumbs up’ or ‘Thumbs down’ section?

Thumbs down
Fremantle: Let me get this straight; the Dockers gave up Graeme Polak, Paul Medhurst, and their 1st, 2nd and 3rd round draft picks, to get Chris Tarrant and Dean Solomon? They get Victorian games televised over there, right? I mean, I’m pretty sure Dean Solomon retired 2 years ago and just hasn’t told anyone.

St.Kilda: We all know they needed a ruckman, and that they didn’t give up too much to get him, but Michael Gardiner? I’d rather have Barry ‘The Cougar’ Dawson doing tap-work for me. It’s just not worth the extra scrutiny having ‘Chains’ Gardiner at your club – and Ross Lyon watched the 2005 Grand Final, right? Gardiner looked about as co-ordinated as a 3 day old horse. It was probably the last time he played seniors too, having lost his spot to Mark Seaby, which should tell you everything you need to know. On the bright side, at least he doesn’t have a history of alcohol & drug abuse and ties to organized crime…

Sydney & Hawthorn: I hate when writers (The Age’s Greg Baum) write articles of mock horror about trade week, using the obvious meat market analogy, when in reality, players choose the clubs they want to go to, negotiate a contract before hand, and then hold their existing club to ransom to get a deal done. Everyone knew Spida wanted to go to Sydney, everyone knew the Hawks wanted a 2nd round pick and yet the deal gets done at 1:59 on Friday. At least The Bulldogs and Brisbane had the decency to get it out of the way on Monday. If I was Andrew Demetriou I’d find some way to void this deal, just to spite Paul Roos, Alistair Clarkson and these two idiotic clubs.

No Thumbs
Geelong: Apparently, in the end, the Cats offered Steve Johnson to Essendon for a cassette copy of 1927’s Ish and the Bombers still baulked. Makes you wonder how dodgy those ankles are, and also why he hasn’t sued the Torquay Pub yet. On the bright side, discussing this potential trade with Mrs. Watson did lead to a new nickname for SJ – Bobo, due to his clown-like hair and behaviour. Tim Callan wanted out, we heard rumours of Playfair to Adelaide and James Kelly wasn’t even brought up. But you know, sometimes inaction is a good thing, especially if you look at The Cats track record in trading for washed up forwards (Brett Spinks, Mitchell White, Jason Mooney). And even better than inaction, is addition-by-subtraction, which means the delisting of Kent Kingsley could be the best move Geelong has made with a washed up forward in years.

Farewell to Season '06 (it's only 152 sleeps til March)

Captain: Great Grand Final, Mrs. Watson, the only thing better would have been a draw, meaning that we’d get another Grand Final to watch and that people would still be reading this blog.

Mrs. Watson: People still read this blog? The hit counter at the bottom there hasn’t moved since Round 22. But you’re right, great Grand Final. Too bad Sydney couldn’t get up though. I would have paid good coin to see the Eagles lose two years in a row. But do you know who I blame? Barry Hall. Where were you Barry? There was no bloody sign of you all day. Even with the umpires giving you dodgy free kicks, and at one stage, even letting you change your mind after you’d played on, you couldn’t drum up even one goal? I did enjoy your early brawl with Cousins, though. Never before have I seen such a girlish attempt at a bit of biffo, as Cousins’ on Saturday. One word of advice though, Hall, if you had of just choked the little twerp on his own Perth Mullet, your day might have ended more positively. What is it with that guy’s hair anyway, Captain? Is it a joke? And why did he feel the need to fix it post-game on Saturday, like some nancy boy Australian Idol contestant?

Captain: Firstly, the Cousins mullet is outstanding. It took us completely by surprise as well; one week it appeared like he had normal hair, the next, he’s got the Adam Hunter special. I think for next year’s photo I might lose the moustache and go the W.A. mini-mullet. Secondly, you’re absolutely correct about those shonky decisions, as Goldstink single-handedly umpired the Swans back into the game during the 3rd quarter, but, is Barry Hall the biggest hoax in the league? I mean, if Michael O’Loughlin gets that much praise in Sydney, and Ryan O’Keefe is All-Australian for Mike Willasee’s sake, perhaps it’s the forward set-up that makes these players look good. While we’re on the subject of looking good, would it be completely self-indulgent to mention I won money on the Eagles? Yep, a cool $26 to be exact. I know, I know, big time money, right? Although, the Beau Waters for Norm Smith experiment almost paid off at $101. I read in the paper today that Waters, in the midst of drunken celebrations, ate Adam Hunter’s goldfish, which in my mind should guarantee him some kind of medal.

Mrs. Watson: By ‘almost paid off’, do you mean, ‘not really close at all’? I swear to God, if I have to listen to your delusions of how Beau Waters was only an inch away from winning a Norm Smith any longer, I’m going to go berserk! Adam Hunter has a goldfish!? Geez, grow up Hunter! Does he have guinea pigs and a bunny rabbit as well?

Captain: Speaking of bad bets, Geelong is currently 6th favourite for the 2007 premiership at $12 behind West Coast, Adelaide, Sydney, St.Kilda and Fremantle. And did you know trade week begins next Monday? Any last words for James Kelly?

Mrs. Watson: Yep. How about, “It’s best not to handball directly to your opponents.” It’s too bad, really. I really liked the kid once upon a time. He played with poise, confidence, and skill; but there’s nothing like a broken leg to shatter all those things, is there? Perhaps someone should start a Dream Team next year of players who’ve suffered broken legs: Robert Murphy, James Kelly, Trent Henschel, Matt Maguire, and Nathan Brown. If you incorporated “off the bone” hamstrings as well, shit, you’d have a fuckin’ All-Australian team, less the Reiwoldt-mirage. Apart from Kelly, though Captain, who else from GFC is leaving our fair city come trade week, do you think?

Captain: Who will be leaving, or who should be? The Kent is a goner, that much is for sure, and I wouldn’t sign that long-term lease just yet if I was Kane Tenace. Really, they need a heap more pace, not to mention skill, in the midfield, so none of the on-ballers should be safe. Seeing as though Harley has now been made captain I guess that crosses him off the list. Hmm, I really don’t know, considering that to trade you need a willing participant to not only take Geelong’s reject players, but give something in return for them. At least we finished the year without any major injuries, I mean, is it too early to start calling Trent Henschel ‘House MD’?

Mrs. Watson: It is my wish that Ladykiller Ling be put forward as possible trade bait. It’s a big call, I know, but the poor guy has tapped all the resources in Geelong and has still come out single. Maybe he could pick up in the Big Smoke, or, go Neitz-style and just hook up with his mum. Seriously though, while he’s a huge possession getter the guy’s about as useful to our team as Mackie is in an arm wrestle. And perhaps if we take the ball out of Ling’s hands, it might end up with someone else who’s not just going to cough it up. Look for Bartel to be that person. I predict a better year for Tickets next year. Or, what if Lips puts forward a Ling/Kelly type package at trade week? Hell, throw in Playfair as well. Hatchet’ll have ‘em all covered next year.

Captain: Now, we’re not in the business of spreading rumours, but David Neitz is gay, right? Anyway, I think it’s about time Chapman and/or Ablett be given a serious chance in the midfield, and Rooke is emerging as our best tagger, so you’re right; unless Ling can find some use for himself at the pointy ends of the ground, he might become expendable. Plus, Prismall and Stokes will be pushing hard for full-time senior duties next season. Let’s see, a Kinglsey-free forward line featuring Ottens, Mooney, Steve Johnson and Nablett; a defence anchored by Scarlett, Milburn, Harley, Egan and Hunt; a midfield with Tickets, the 2 Coreys, Rooke, Gablett and Chappy; plus the up and comers, Hatchet and the other draft picks… Goddamn, I can’t wait for March! What would you like to see happen in ’07, Mrs. Watson?

Mrs. Watson: Number one: I’d like Harley to really make an impact as captain, and something tells me he will. Number two: I’d like to see Koschitzke continue to be on the wrong end of head clashes with players, coaches and other stationary objects. Sure, this sounds harsh, but it would put the poor guy out of his misery once and for all. I mean, did you see Koschitzke’s two finals games this year? He looked liked he’d just stepped off the Gravitron the whole time. I’m pretty sure he had no idea which way his team was kicking. Number three: it would bring me much pleasure if the Fremantle Dockers failed to make the finals next year. That way, 2006 could be written off as the mere fluke it was for that football club. Connelly did his best to look like he knew what he was doing in September, but everyone knows Chris’ game plans are about as tactical as girls’ pillow fight, and that he ultimately had about as much impact on this year’s finals series as say, Terry Wallace. Ouch!

Captain: Ah yes, there it is, our final shot at Richmond for 2006. I can’t wait for the Tiger insults to start flying next season. See ya then, Mrs. Watto.

Mrs. Watson: Out.

Part II: The Mirror Has More Faces

Before we get into part II of the look-a-likes, just a quick note to say we'll be back to wrap up the Grand Final and the season in general in the coming week. After that, you'll probably be on your own until the AFL draft, trade week, or Michael Gardiner's next felony. Enjoy...




Both of these horse-faced, mullet-ed jokers have a distinctive comedic style; Seinfeld's observational, Gehrig's more physical, i.e. urinating on people.



Although they share a ginger mane, one gets the feeling the Paddlepop Lion has Ling covered for pace.



At least Keef has years of drug and alcohol abuse to blame.



It may be unfair to blame Woosha for the Weagles stubborn, predictable tactics; I'd be looking more at the guy with his hand up his date.



Baby... Ruth!



One of these is Nick Fucking Davis.



Yeah, cheap shot here, but look at that hair... Riewoldt's that is.