Brownlow, Schmrownlow, or, Just Give it to Chris Judd

You know what? I don’t really give a shit about the Brownlow medal. I didn’t watch it, didn’t see Adam Goodes collect his second award and didn’t see the awkward mixture of raised champagne flutes and crown lagers stubbies. For me, the Brownlow is a distraction.

The fact that it is held on the Monday of Grand Final week is an indication that the event itself doesn’t hold much weight, but merely the circumstance it is set in. I think it’s probably a case of the further you take it away from the Grand Final, the less interest it would generate. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for the leagues supposed highest honour.

I’m not just talking about the event here either, no, I think the medal itself needs the hype of Grand Final week to attract the amount of interest it does. Let me ask you this; if the event was held 2 weeks after the Grand Final, would you watch it? And does anyone actually barrack for their team’s players to win? I mean, I understand the whole ‘anyone but him’ thing, otherwise known as the Liberatore Rule, but unless you’ve got money on someone, for me it’s a mild curiosity at best, and I write an AFL blog, for Chrissakes.

You see, everyone is waiting for the Grand Final, the season climax, the thing that actually counts. And they are so desperate for knowledge or insight into the game, that they watch an award ceremony, hoping for someone to let slip with some tactics, some late injury news, or some genius theory as to who will win and why.

But the players who are actually involved in the Grand Final don’t give anything away. When they get those always uncomfortable ‘roving interviewer in the audience’ moments, they give the stock standard responses, afraid to say anything, less it somehow be misinterpreted as motivation for the other team. Seriously, these guys look more frightened of their coach than the Cobra Kai kids.

They don’t want to be there and fair enough. I wouldn’t want to either. They’ve go the biggest game of their life that week and now they have to sit through 4 and a half hours of someone reading out names and numbers? Seriously, this is passing as entertainment? We don’t even have the unintentional comedy stylings of Wayne Jackson anymore; “Essudon verse Pordadelay, S. Campo-wee-arley, 1 vote…”

About the only reason to watch the Brownlow is to see the players get drunk and potentially make an inappropriate joke, start a fight with an opposition player, fall down some stairs, or hit on Paul Roos’ wife. There’s also the 20 minute cleavage montage at the beginning of the telecast, which is where I think they should award the medal, and from the photos in the paper, St.Kilda defender Jason Gram would have been a big show.

Quick, name the best player you’ve ever seen. Unless you’re 15 or younger, that should have been answered with an unhesitating ‘Carey’, or ‘Ablett’. And not only did neither of these win a Brownlow medal, they hardly got any votes. Hell, Gary Snr. didn’t get a free kick until about 1994.

Now look at these players who have won it in recent times; Jim Stynes, Scott Wynd, Tony Liberatore, Gavin Wanganeen, Shane Woewoedin and Robert Harvey twice. Are any of these guys getting into any team ahead of The Duck, or Gaz? I mean, Wanganeen won it playing as a loose man in defence for Chrissakes, and you wonder why the Brownlow has lost credibility.

So not only is there a continuing history of undeserved winners, as well as great players who have been continually stiffed, but nowadays it is widely accepted to be a ‘midfielder’s award’, essentially ruling out half of the leagues players.

However, the league does seem to have got it more right than wrong in recent times, Robert Harvey’s back-to-back medals aside. It would be pretty hard to argue that the likes of Voss, Hird, Akermanis, Judd and Cousins aren’t deserved winners. And at least Adam Goodes’ team is competing for a repeat premiership, so someone who impacts the win/loss column is getting recognised. And I’m sure the 6’ 5” Aboriginal running ahead of the ball and getting cheap kicks without a direct opponent didn’t stand out at all in Sydney’s workmanlike midfield.

The whole umpire voting system is so unique, so quaint and so ridiculous that it relegates the Brownlow medal to nothing more than a quirky, gimmicky, throwback that we keep for the sake of tradition. But at least Goodes winning the Brownlow guarantees one thing; West Coast is a mortal lock for the premiership.

Finals Fever, (a cure for)



First of all, to all readers throughout the year, and especially to those small few still regularly checking in, I would like to extend a thank-you on behalf of myself and Mrs. Watson, for making Big League Little League the no. 1 blog to 'print-out-and-read-while-on-the-toilet’ in 2006. We especially appreciate, and look forward to, the various contributions, varying in length, intelligence and accuracy, from you, the readers, in the comments section. You are the Steven Silvagni to our Hudson and Walls, and we look forward to providing more roughage for you in ‘07.

But we aren’t going to disappear completely. You can still look forward to our Grand Final blog, part II of the look-a-likes, and other assorted AFL offerings in the coming weeks. Over the summer, I, the Captain, will pop up from time to time to offer my random babblings and solutions to the worlds various ills. I might even persuade Mrs. Watson to join me. But until then, more football…

Did anyone see the footage of Kane Johnson at the Richmond B&F letting slip which players are to be delisted? I reckon Terry Wallace deliberately told him, knowing the slightly liquored up club captain would do his dirty work for him. Pretty tough way to find out I’d imagine. Actually, I take that back. From now on, I’d like to receive all my news from a half pissed Kane Johnson inappropriately bumbling his way through it. I’m just surprised a drunk David Rodan didn’t storm the stage yelling, ‘What about 2004? Do you remember that goal I kicked over my head? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?’

It was also reported that Steven King has stepped down as skipper of the Cats to concentrate on getting himself right. In related news, I’m still waiting for Mrs. Watson’s Cameron Ling for captain article. But really, what do we need a captain for? As far as I can tell all they do is call heads or tails and then appear in a Herald-Sun poster. So, as an extension of the rotating captain policy, how about we go completely captain-less? Imagine sending a different player to the coin toss 22 times a year. It would confuse everyone, the opposition players wouldn’t know who to target and it could also open up a whole new betting angle, wagering on who will be Geelong’s captain each week. Wait, do I sound like I’ve got a gambling problem?

The VFL Cats are in the Grand Final this Sunday, which funnily enough has coincided with the Great Kent of Kingsley announcing he’ll leave the club at the end of the year. I hope he gets picked up by another team, I really do. That way, the supporters of another club can understand the pain of the Kingsley phenomenon, and we won’t look so bad for constantly ripping him. Well, Mrs. Watson won’t seem so bad. I was more of a Kingsley apologist, appreciating the eccentricities of Geelong’s favourite playboy millionaire. Still, I wouldn’t mind giving him the ‘scolding-hot meat pie’ send off Mrs. Watson so desperately wanted to give Peter Street.

Onto the real stuff now, and Adelaide has announced the return of Brett ‘the Budgie’ Burton, once again cementing them as the most hated team in the AFL. Anyone else hoping he re-injures his hammy in the opening minutes as Robert Walls cries, ‘The Birdman is down; he’s had his wings clipped… it doesn’t look good, Luke’? Seriously, if Wallsy gets any further up Luke Darcy’s ass they’re going to have commission an ‘inner space’ style expedition to find him. And by the way, if Quinten Lynch kicks 4 goals or more, the Eagles won’t be beaten. By anyone.

Tonight’s game, is a bit more interesting. I figure it could go one of two ways; Sydney crushing the Dockers spirit with their ugly, ugly, brand of ‘drag everyone down to our level’ football and winning comfortably, or, the Dockers continuing their ridiculous roll, despite having perhaps the most over-whelmed coach in the AFL, and that includes Dean Laidley… Actually, make that the 2nd most overwhelmed coach in the AFL. For the record, I think Freo could roll Sydney and make it an all WA Grand Final.

For the final thoughts on the Preliminary Finals, here’s Mrs. Watson.

First of all, let me just say that I have NEVER been less interested in an AFL Finals Series. I mean, sure, there are no Victorian teams in the four sides left, but this has little, if not bugger all, to do with it. It’s just that there’s something stale about the whole thing this year, something predictable, something utterly boring about the four teams left and as a result I’ve found myself enjoying Channel 9’s Sunday afternoon coverage of Women’s Touch Rugby a hell of a lot more than the poonce fest that currently is, the AFL Finals Series. Having said that, the Grand Final will no doubt capture my attention, as it always does, and this year I hope it’ll be Craig’s Crows vs Roo’s Swans (wow, that’s kind of confusing).

Not an ideal outcome, I know, but really, look at the four teams I have to choose from. A West Coast side so arrogant, so full of steroids and hair product that only a club-wide piss test, or a game in Victoria, could stand in the way of their Grand Final birth. But I refuse to back a dead set favourite. That’s just shite! And boring! And fucking un-Australian, for that matter. No, I’m backing the Crows because, despite my general refusal to support any team harbouring the likes of Brett Burton (possibly the biggest wanker in AFL history), they’ve gone from Premiership shoe-ins to stench ridden, ball sniffing under-dogs in the space of only two months. I’m backing them because, if they win, it’ll be through hard work, blue collar bloody football and not through pooncey, fucking swan lake-style tactics, like the ones the Eagles’ midfield perform every week. Geez, that whole team would be right at home on a Channel 7 reality show about metro sexual footballers learning the ins and outs of a Tchaikovsky performance. I mean, I fucking hated Matera, Sumich, and the other West Coast assholes of the nineties, but at least they went about their football with a bit of grunt. Go Crows!

And as for the blouse carnival that will take place in Sydney tonight, I will only say this: If the Fremantle Football Club makes the Grand Final next week, there is no God.

Sydney by 30pts
Adelaide by 8pts

Out.

The Mirror Has Two Faces (Part I)

Six months in the making, it's finally time to present the Captain's long awaited look-a-like blog. Don't miss part II coming next week, featuring a Collingwood player with 'movie-star' good looks.



This is David Johnson and Paul Chapman. Or Paul Chapman and David Johnson.



It's an old picture of Fev, so picture him minus the dreads, but plus an over-active pitutary gland, and you get NRL star Willie Mason.



On the right is German midfieler Michel Ballack, and on the left is Jeff Farmer, who we wish was German so we had another reason to dislike him.



That handsome fellow is my brother, pictured in my 50c op-shop footy jumper. For the record it was actually a Greek take-away shop owner who first mistook the Captain's first mate for the legendary Bulldogs centreman.



First came to my attention when the Hawthorn coach called Luke Hodge a 'fan-taz-dic' young player.



Stephen Milne looks like a rat.



It was then that I realized I didn't have to be anyone else; I was Geelong's second ruckman, and that was good enough for me. [cue motor ace song. end scene]



There is no mercy in this dojo. Sweep the leg, Travis, sweep the leg.

What Dallas has to do with Ladykiller, or, how to remove the walnut smell – permanently!



Captain: Although it’s the right move to sack ‘Walnut’ Thomas, from a comedic standpoint, I think I would have preferred to see him stay in the job for the next 25 years; I’ve got a whole bag full of ‘Nut’ jokes I haven’t used yet. The Saints aren’t completely out of the woods though, they still have the joker that employed Thomas to begin with as club president; seriously, did you see Rod Butters’ hair at the press conference? They ain’t winning shit if he stays involved.

Mrs. Watson: You heard it here first folks (or maybe you’ve already heard somewhere else), Leigh Matthews has his sights on the St Kilda coaching job. And, in order to fashion some sort of premiership side out of the pack of pretty boys that currently exist in Saints-land, he’s asked that the whole side shave their heads, drop all D-grade celebrity girlfriends, and stop drinking Bicardi Breezers (at least in public). He’s also asked for a dry cleaner to sweep through his new office as the strong stench of roasted nuts is a little too much for even Leigh Matthews to bear. He was given the job after promising not to use any sentence with the word “injuries” in it as an excuse. Anyway, Captain, I have a two part question for you. Part one, what chance do we have of scoring Daniel Bradshaw down here in Catland? And, two, do we want him?



Captain: In short, not much, and hell yes! You know Brisbane will be demanding at least the Cats first round draft pick, a good young player and potentially Tom Lonergan’s good kidney. And if history, and the Kangaroos, has shown us anything, it’s that it’s not worth mortgaging your clubs future by giving up no. 1 picks for recycled players. Especially in what is widely regarded as the deepest draft in years. Now, if we can get him for a reasonable price, well, the Cats need to pursue that as hard as they can. What’s a reasonable price? Maybe a second rounder, a player and the deed to Kent Kingsley’s bar. Check out Bradshaw’s stats from this season. I think he was top 5 in contested marks and kicked 50+ goals; having him would allow Ottens to spend more time in the ruck, where his tap work is excellent. Any other ideas?

Mrs. Watson: Well, no doubt James Kelly is going to be involved in that trade some how. Excuse me while I picture our new improved forward line for a second…Daniel Bradshaw…Nathan Ablett…Hatchett Hawkins…Brad Ottens…Steve Johnson…Man, that’s sweet! Throw in the usual goals from Gablett and Chapman and we’re looking alright. Particularly when you consider Playfair won’t be around to drop sitters and Kent won’t be there to steal certain marks off the other forwards. Any nickname ideas for our new addition?

Captain: We’ve reached the nickname stage already? Hmmm, Bradshaw sounds pretty uppity, how about the Aristocrat? What about Dallas? No real reason for that one; it just sounds right. Who would you be ok with Geelong giving up to get Dallas? Using my player review as a rough guide, you probably wouldn’t want to lose any of the top level guys, but how about ‘Tickets’ Bartel, or ‘Boris’ Enright? Steve ‘Dog’ Johnson? What exactly is the Aristocrat worth?

Mrs. Watson: I think we’ll go with Dallas. Great nickname! In all honesty, I think I’d give’em Cameron Ling. Enright is brilliant, and most of the time, his possessions matter. We need him. I don’t think Brisbane would touch Dog Johnson with industrial grade gloves on, and as far as Tickets goes, I think without Ladykiller around to swoop on all the junkstats, he’d see even more of the ball than he already does. As much as I hate to say it, Ling would be my first option. I’m not sure the bastard could handle the Queensland sun though. He’d probably end up playing every home game with a 36+ sunblock mask on and still come off the ground bright red and swollen. Brisbane is no place for red knob, although Akermanis did seem to thrive up there.

Captain: I think we’d see the first Brisbane player in history to play all home games in long sleeves and a peaked cap. You know, I was kinda leading the charge to give Lips the ass, I figured 6 years is long enough, but now, and maybe its just the knowledge that Grant Thomas is available, I think maybe he should be given one more year. I know you are an unabashed Thompson fan; what should the club do about its head coaching position, and what will they do?

Mrs. Watson: Well, I think Lips will get at least another year and I think that’s fair enough. I mean, sure, if you buy into all the crap about Thompson screwing every player’s girlfriend under the Target sign on the Gary Ablett Terrace at KP, then you’re probably wanting to see him sacked. But if, like me, you see this year’s ridiculous rumours as typical Geelong bullshit, dreamt up by some skinner newbie sports reporter at the Geelong Fucking Advertiser trying to drum up his first big scoop, then you’re probably also smart enough to realise that the last half of the season was quite promising. And, while we may have taken a few steps back this year, do you really blame Lips entirely? C’mon, give me a fucking break! I think we’ve got a young enough list to give him another year, and I’m confident that 2007 won’t look anything like 2006. Having said that, if we could secure Guy McKenna for the position, I’d go back on everything I’ve just said.

Captain: Guy McKenna does seem like he’d be thorough; thorough in a ‘investigate the perfect angle to hit someone to buckle their ACL’ kinda way. I think Geelong could use a guy like that. In other coaching news, how’s Carlton’s form? They ask the AFL for a $2 million salvage package and then try and sack Pagan with his half a mil buy-out option! I reckon the only reason he’s still there is because Demetriou stepped in and said, ‘I don’t think so, boys’. Carlton are a joke; salary cap rorts, inflated player salaries, terrible coaching choices (Wayne Brittain, anyone?), idiotic off-field leadership and not to mention that they stink on the field. Seriously, how hard could it be to run a football club? I reckon you should approach them about the job, and be sure to put your categorical dream-team victory on your C.V.

Mrs. Watson: Ah, yes, what a sweet victory it was. A 2000 point trouncing! Man, I hope you guys are planning on putting forward a bit of a challenge next year. Geez! Perhaps the reason I won though, was because I wasn’t stupid enough to pick any Carlton players. It might be good idea if the Blues selection committee did the same next year. I thought Ottens was a good pick-up too, and I really only drafted him cause no-one else would. In my view, Scumbag had a pretty good season, and the fact that he was celebrating his good year in the driver’s seat of a moving vehicle, a week after Round 22, only makes me like him more. I have it on good authority that he was actually in Melbourne, because of a dare he had with Cameron Ling, to nick-knock all his ex-Richmond teammates in the middle of the night. Apparently at Matthew Richardson’s house, Terry Wallace came to the door rosy cheeked and dressed in a bath robe.

Captain: Geez, we can’t go a whole blog without taking a shot at Richo, or Terry Wallace, or just Richmond in general, can we? Not that they don’t deserve it. Yeah, I picked a couple of Carlton players (Brad Fisher, Jared Waite) and a whole group of players 3 years past their prime; essentially I was the dream team version of the Kangaroos. I’m warming to your Brad Johnson Brownlow tip, I think we should put a couple of green-backs down on him for a top 5 finish at least.

Mrs. Watson: Yeah, he’ll go well. I’m smelling an Adam Goodes victory, though, and I gotta tell ya, it reeks of a backed up porta-loo on the last day of the Colac Show. And while I’m whinging, I’d like to take this opportunity to question Nick Reiwoldt’s inclusion in the All-Australian team. This raises more questions than the recent Geelong Football Club Member Survey, but seemingly means that if you’re a good mark, and willing to do whatever it takes to keep Gary Lyon’s dick hard, you’re shoe in. What did you think of the team, Captain?

Captain: Ridiculous as always. Every year they pick a full-back, 3 full forwards and the rest are midfielders who they slot into the flanks. And Joel Bowden as centre half back? To use the immortal words of Jeff Thomson, Joel Bowden isn’t a centre half back’s asshole. He’s a loose defender who shares cheap possessions with his piss weak brother, and if he ever does play on the true power forwards in the league, he lasts 15 minutes before Terry Wallace goes to plan B, which, unfortunately for Tiger fans is usually Ray Hall. I would have preferred to see Lance Whitnall, or even Kane Cornes at CHB, Aaron Davey in a forward pocket and Ryan O’Keefe under a bus.

Mrs. Watson: Yeah, how did Kane Cornes miss out? As for Joel Bowden, as part of my dream team this year, he was a pleasure to coach. Keep him in mind for your 2007 team, Captain, or anyone else who racks up 20+ useless possessions every week, for that matter. They’re a fuckin’ goldmine! It might be a good idea to give David Hille a miss in the future, as well. Just a suggestion.

Out.

(The Captains Own) GFC player review

The Guns
Gary Ablett, Paul Chapman, Joel Corey, Darren Milburn, Cameron Mooney, Matthew Scarlett.

This group picks itself really and will probably finish 1-5 in the Cats Best & Fairest. With the exception of Mooney of course; that whole ‘fairest’ thing really gets him. He’s in this group, however, because the Cats are a different, much better, team with him at centre half forward. Interesting to note, Cam was once voted ‘most likely to punch a teacher’ by his school peers.

The 2nd tier
Jimmy Bartel, Corey Enright, Brad Ottens, Jarad Rooke, Cameron Ling, David Wojcinski, Josh Hunt, Matthew Egan.

‘Tickets’ Bartel is probably in between this group and the one above, and Corey Enright is pretty close. The rest have been consistently good without really breaking out and having massive games. Josh Hunt improved as the season went on, Egan has been amazingly good for an inexperienced player and Wojcinski, although down a little due to coming back from injury, has shown that when he runs, Geelong plays well. Great hair too.

Last Chance
Tom Harley, James Kelly, Kane Tenace, Steven King, David Johnson, Shannon Byrnes.

For the sake of this article, we’ll say these guys deserve at least another year to prove themselves; and most have some genuine excuse, be it injury or just lack of opportunity. Others just don’t fit into the team balance. However, a series of tough decisions need to be made and don’t be surprised if some of these are delisted this year. The clock is ticking. Ooh, dramatic!

Who fucking knows?
Steve Johnson.

The guy gets his own section because, well, I guess the title says it all. He could comfortably fit into any of the other categories on any given day. Personally I think Geelong need his ‘tin-ass’ and willingness to roll the dice in the forward line. And besides, who else is going to be there to receive those handpasses over the top in the goal square?

The Future
Nathan Ablett, Matthew Spencer, Mark Blake, Tim Callan, Andrew Mackie, Brent Prismall, Matthew Stokes, Travis Varcoe.

In this group there is potentially a 10 year key forward, a tall key defender, a 200+ game ruckman, a courageous tagger/defender, a clever utility, a classy midfielder, a high energy small forward and possibly the quickest player in Geelong history. Of course, now that I’ve mentioned all that, they’ll be involved in a plane crash and be forced to eat each other’s flesh to survive. Ah well, at least Mackie will be safe.

Delist immediately
Peter Riccardi (retired), Will Slade, Matthew McCarthy, Paul Koulouriotis, Sam Hunt, Tim Sherringham.

We never really offered our Peter Riccardi tribute here at Big League, and in a weird way, it’s kind of fitting, seeing as though one of Geelong’s best players over the past 15 years also had his testimonial dinner cancelled. He is exactly the kind of player Geelong will be looking to recruit now; fast, durable and never missed a target. We all have favourite memories of him but, gee, does anything stand out more than that mullet? And a curly mullet to boot. Outstanding, Ricco, outstanding. As for the rest, Koula’s chance has passed, Sherringham never really panned out, Sam Hunt was a cheap gamble, The Matthew McCarthy Era was all too short-lived, and as for Will Slade, well, the injuries hurt, but not as much as constantly giving the ball to the other team.

Trade Bait
Kent Kingsley, Henry Playfair, Charlie Gardiner.

Notice they’re all key forward types? I just thought these 3 might return something for teams looking to ‘top up’. Who might take them, you ask? The Bulldogs might take a one year punt, The Kangaroos have a long recycling history, likewise Sydney, Carlton is always a chance, and for some reason Port Adelaide seems to make sense.

Time for further assessment
Nick Batchelor, Ryan Gamble, Todd Grima, Tom Lonergan, Stephen Owen, Trent West.

Poor Tom Lonergan. He had been in the best every week in the reserves, he finally got his chance against Melbourne and then gets crushed doing the team thing. I haven’t seen much of Grima, Owen or West, and Gamble’s only senior game was a brief but promising audition.

Absence of Malice: A preview, of sorts



I think I’ll just skip any comment on the Geelong v Hawthorn game, other than to say it was over in the first 10 minutes. You can tell very quickly if the Cats are interested or not, and in the early going, they looked about as interested as Picture Magazine would be in naked pictures of Bea Arthur. Not that I can blame them, (the players, or Picture) the lack of effort is completely understandable. Have you ever given your two weeks notice at a job, and then completely cruised through those final days? Exactly. You have no possible motivation to work. What I would be interested in are the stats on teams who lead by 25 points or more at quarter time; I reckon they’d have a 90% winning record, and most of them by that amount or more.

(Before I move on to a look at the upcoming finals matches, we here at Big League will be conducting our own football department review of the Geelong Footy Club which will be shared with you all over the coming weeks. This will include player reviews and a look at who won’t be around next year and who the new coach may be [we can’t give too much but we have mail that Lips won’t be back]. If we’re lucky, Mrs. Watson might also divulge some Brownlow betting advice, a how-to guide on winning your office footy tipping and reveal the Michael J Fox like secrets of his success in waltzing to victory in our dream team competition. Smug bastard. But I digress…)

The finals are all about the end of one season, and the beginning of a new, knock-out season lasting only four weeks. It is a cliché, but it’s a whole new ball game. The games are more intense, more physical, more defensive and scrappier than the regular season. Often complex game plans go out the window as teams, and men, under more pressure than ever, revert back to the most basic of under 15’s strategy; gain yardage. The teams that best weather the physical pressure, and are quickest to get their emotions and nerves under control, often quickly gain the ascendancy. This goes double for the Grand Final. So what do we look for when trying to pick finals winners? I humbly submit the following;

1) Experience – This counts when trying to reign in the adrenaline and nerves, and is why everyone shouldn’t be wetting their panties [I hate that word! – Mrs. Watson] about the Dockers just yet. The Crows have plenty of finals experience to the Dockers’ zero. They know what to expect and that’s why they’ll get up. Adelaide by 41 pts.

2) Physicality – As the games get more intense and scrappier, it’s all about having the big bodies that can withstand pressure and apply pressure and force the ball forward through strength alone. This is especially true for the forward line and is why I expect the Pies to overcome the Dogs. Collingwood by 21 pts.

3) Home Ground Advantage – Like most things in the finals, this is magnified, especially with the performance of the non-Victorian teams this year. This is also why I’ll be taking the Weagles over the Swanies; if it was in Sydney, I’d probably go the other way. West Coast by 12 pts.

4) Mental fragility – That’s a nice way of saying stay away from chokers. And seeing as though Richmond isn’t involved (again), I’m dedicating this to the Demons. St.Kilda by 28 pts.

Photo Opportunies: The Ridiculousness of Rumours (and other Fleetwood Mac classics)



Kent: So whaddya reckon Bomber, you gonna give me a game this week?

Lips: Probably not, but if you continue tickling me in this manner your chances may improve. By the way, the rumours about me shagging your girlfriend, are true. Perhaps if you were to lease her out once in a while – no strings attached, of course – you might find yourself in the team a lot more often. Hell, I might even be able to look the other way if you go goalless a couple of weeks in a row. No need to answer me right away…but just keep smiling for the cameras. We want this cheesy shot on the cover of The Geelong Fucking Advertiser, don’t we?

Kent: Yeah, I’ll keep smiling Bomber, you smug prick. And I’ll be smiling all the way through Brian Cook’s football department review, otherwise known as ‘a reason to fire the coach’. And you wonder why the rest of the blokes don’t like you. They love me though. Mooney said on Fox Footy that I’m his best mate; he even got suspended so you could squeeze me into the team. The Hawthorn blokes are lining up to give John Frickin’ Barker a farewell game, you gotta pick me! It’s my last chance to audition for the Kangaroos! Hmmm, you don’t have the number for Jon Hay’s agent, do you?

Lips: No, but I have his girlfriend’s number. I wouldn’t get ahead of yourself anyway, Kent, you’ll be staying in Geelong next year. Sure, you’ll be on the pay roll as a senior player, but you won’t be seeing any game time. Hatchett Hawkins’ll need a personal whipping boy next year to attend to his every need, and I put your name forward during my own Brian Cook review session. Cooksey seemed rather chuffed with the idea, actually. It won’t involve anything too difficult: washing his clothes, driving him to training, cooking his meals, etc, etc. Pretty much everything except playing football and screwing all the women the rookie’ll have swarming around him next year. Keep smiling…

Kent: I’ve been doing that for Otto for 2 years anyway. And you think I’ll miss the pressure of seniors, what, with the chasing and tackling and getting dirty? Screw that. The only thing I miss is that brief period after Brett Spinks and Mitchell White; I looked like the second coming of Jason Freaking Dunstall to these people. Maybe it’s time for me to move on, after all, I have my bar, my restaurant, my stocks and my millions of dollars to count… all I need is a good woman to share it with and I can settle down. So, is it too early to ask for your soon-to-be ex-wife’s number? Just kidding, I wouldn’t touch her with Linga’s dick. Addy photographer, 3 o’clock…

Lips: Speaking of Ling, who was it who shagged his Brownlow date? Ah, that’s right, it was me, wasn’t it! Hell, according to the rumours, I’m a regular fucking Casanova. Mind you, it’s no wonder he’s shitty; I think that red knob is the only guy who finds it hard to pick up in this town. Otto has apparently scored with every female between Warrnambool and Werribee, but we can hardly blame this sexual free-for-all for our team’s demise now can we, Kent? If you had of shown some nuts on the rare occasion we might have seen some September action this year. What’s your problem anyway? I mean, have you washed your game day jumper even once this year, Fluffy? Fluffy? Kent!!!

Kent: What’s that? Ah, sorry Bomber, just want to make sure they got my good side. Aaaaaand we’re clear. So, training over yet? I’ve got beer lines to clean. Oh, and that reminds me, does Hatchet Hawkins like starch in his collars?