Introducing: Shane Benace, or, Engineering Mooney



Ok, so Geelong is not travelling so great. I’ve skirted discussing the team for quite a while, hoping that they’d get their shit together on their own, but it’s time someone stepped in. Now, I’m not saying that my opinions on Geelong’s current woes are in any way authoritative, or even insightful for that matter, but is it not our job as supporters to bitch and put forward ridiculous, ill-informed suggestions on how to improve our team’s luck? Yes, I believe it is. So here goes, four absurd suggestions on how to get the Cats out of the litter tray, and back into the soft cushiony comfort of the top four.

1. Fuck Mark Blake off: I mean seriously, I’m all for giving the kid a run – hell, I’ve even stuck up for the poor guy, (after all, who would you rather, Peter Street?) – but enough is enough. The Captain was correct when he said, “The Blake experiment is over, Lips,” a few weeks back. As a replacement, I suggest sitting Shannon Byrnes on Tenace’s shoulders and letting them ruck. Sure, they’d still be shorter than most opposition ruckmen, but think of the pace this new, improved footballer would be capable of. I’d call him Shane Benace. With the capacity to split in two at any time, such a player would elude any would be tackler simply by separating at the waste, leaving the bottom half to be tackled while the upper half darted forward. Check that out, Spider! Genius!

2. Kick more people in the face: sure, it sounds harsh but as Stephen King proved in last year’s finals game against the Demons, a swift kick to the face can not only be easily disguised as just “part of the contest”, it can also have the desired effect of rendering your opponent motionless for several seconds. The Cats face Melbourne again tonight, and I suggest that any time the ball is bounced, every Geelong player should kick their defender right in the face, freeing themselves up for a few seconds, giving them the required time to clear the ball.

3. Don’t kick the ball to Cameron Ling: I’m deadly serious, under no circumstances, should any Geelong player consider giving Ling a possession. I don’t know if you’ve been watching this guy the past few weeks, but despite the fact he racks up a healthy number of possessions every game, those touches seem to end up back in opposition hands because of fuckin’ ridiculous handballs and inaccurate kicks. It seems to me that the only time Lady-killer hits a target is when he’s kicking backwards, and even then he puts his team mates under unnecessary pressure. Hey Linga, how about this: Get a haircut, learn to kick, and stop shitting yourself every time an opponent is approaching. We used to just tease you cause you were a red knob, but right now your football is the real joke – and it’s not fucking funny!

4. Start cloning Moonies: while the Ablett birthing project is well and truly in full swing (and is going great guns), I think the GFC should take advantage of recent scientific breakthroughs in the field of genetic engineeernig. Sure, it’s a costly option, and more than a little complicated (not to mention time consuming), but the sooner we clone ourselves a few more Cam Moonies, the better. And what about this: enough Moonies to fill almost an entire team. Yeah, that’s the ticket, with Shane Benace in the ruck the Cats might just be unstoppable.

So there you have it. Some great suggestions, I think. If only two of these tactics were introduced tonight, the Cats’d be a Goddamn shoe in. One can only hope…

Out.