The T-birds and the Scorpions, or, Hird vs. Buckley

As we head towards another ANZAC day showdown, I remembered watching the Monday night game between Collingwood and Adelaide of round one this year, and seeing the difference between Nathan Buckley and the rest of his team. I was reminded that ‘Bucks’ is still a pretty handy player. Age and injury are catching up with him a bit, but at his FIGJAMing best, he was probably one of the top 5 players in the AFL.

Similarly, James Hird has been slowed by injury in recent times, but returned last week, making the game look as ever as it ever was for him, just in time to reclaim the captaincy this week. And so as ANZAC day approaches, and talking about where Buckley’s legacy stands in the grand scheme of things, the question was raised; who is/was better, Nathan Buckley or James Hird?

Hird was used as the counterpoint to Buckley because, for some reason, it feels as if their careers are connected, like they have something in common, some kind of bond I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I emailed the question to Mrs. Watson and received this reply:

Hird heads the T-Birds: has great driving skills, but he also likes to sing and dance while working on the engine; he's flashy, but not so confident to be arrogant. Buckley heads the Scorpions; sure, the guy knows how to drive well enough, but he's all about intimidation - and sharing blood. Tell me more, tell me more... Hird has got it all, skills and smarts. Buckley just ain't that great, but no-one is brave enough to tell him.

Exactly! Hird and Buckley make such great counterpoints to each other because they have the feel of natural enemies, of cross-town rivals, of dopey, 1960’s, musical, gang-leaders.

Mrs. Watson had put me on the right track, but it’s more than that; it’s almost a dark and light thing, like Hird is playing Luke Skywalker to Buckley’s Vader; both are great Jedi’s, but choosing one or other comes down to a choice between the Empire or the People. Bear with me…

Hird, the forgotten kid from Canberra, slips through the cracks of the draft, all the way to pick no. 79, and humbly plays 2 years of reserves before debuting in the seniors. No word on whether an old hermit mentored him in the ways of the pig-skin. As analogised by Mrs. Watson, he plays with the flair a ballet dancer and with the look of a pop-star. Deceiving with his speed and strength, he can be unconventional, but he makes things happen. He is the gifted, oft-injured, flawed genius. He is the natural.

Contrastingly, Buckley has the look of a man who spends hours on the track, days in the weight room and seconds in the mirror. Everything is by the book, down the line, disciplined and almost mechanically perfect. From early on Buckley was used to playing the role of villain: Taken by the Brisbane Bears under the ‘zoning’ policy of the time, ‘Bucks’ burst onto the scene with a fantastic 1st year and then demanded to be traded to a bigger team, a bigger market, a bigger pay check and someone that wears black. If Buckley turns out to be Hirds father, well, that’ll be just plain weird.

So, what does this all have to do with the original question, namely, who is/was better, Hird or Buckley? There’s not much between them in terms of skill level, career accomplishments and personal attributes; Hird is 2cm taller, Buckley 2kg heavier. Both have won Brownlow Medals and both have taken their team to the big dance in September. I think a case could be made for either player being better than the other, which is why all this other stuff is important. It’s more how they go about it; do you want robotic precision or flawed humanity? How about a straight answer?

At his best, Hird was undoubtedly the better player. A versatile, goal kicking utility, Hird spent his best years at centre-half forward, roaming in to the middle and defence when required. His vision, ability to adapt to condition and circumstance, plus, the uncanny ability to come through with something special, when it was most needed, put him up there with the modern Greats of the game.

Buckley has always been the best player on his team, and he knows it. He has been a durable, reliable and a constant driving force on a series of mediocre Collingwood teams. His ability to hit targets on either side of his body makes his team-mates look 2nd rate, and he isn’t afraid to let them know. His focus and determination are unquestionable, yet this virtue may also be his weakness.

Buckley demands excellence from himself and expects it from everyone else; whereas Hird recognizes his teams limitations and plays to its strengths. This is the major difference. Buckley’s focus is so narrow and, well, focused, that anything peripheral suffers as a consequence. Like Darth Vader and the Deathstar itself, his sole purpose and intent exposes a very major weakness within. On the other hand, Hird always seems relaxed, like he knows eventually it will come to him, and so he should, he has the Force.

Ok, so maybe I’ve stretched a one line joke into a 900 word article that you didn’t really want to read, but let me remind you of two affecting images from the last couple of seasons; one, Buckley wiping his blood on to Cameron Ling, and two, James Hird hugging a fan in the front row after kicking the winning goal. Now ask yourself, am I for Empire, or the People?

Why I’m never going to the football again, or, the Cats ruined Easter.

It was going to be the perfect weekend; four days off work, Mrs. Watson’s birthday, a friend visiting from overseas, the annual Easter Bender (a four day drinking event, conceived by Mrs. Watson some 3 years ago. It commences Thursday night, continues Good Friday, and reaches its peak Easter Saturday before winding down Sunday night. Just like in the bible) and a Geelong home game against Hawthorn, which I assumed would be another victory. Well, you know what they say about assumption being the mother of all fuck-ups.

It’s my own fault, really, it is. I’m not superstitious by any stretch, but there are certain things that shouldn’t be messed with during any kind of streak. Ask any gambler, they’ll have some weird set of rules about upsetting the status quo during a run of luck. You might even do it yourself. Have you ever been watching a game on TV, and your team is losing, so you go to the kitchen, to get a drink or something, and when you come back you sit in a different seat and they immediately start playing better, chipping away at the lead, and now you can’t leave the new seat, because you think your slight change of seating has affected the very fabric of the universe itself, that it has somehow changed the course of this particular sporting event and you’d never forgive yourself if you moved again and they started losing? No? Oh… me neither. Anyway, what did I do wrong? Well, where do I start…

Firstly, I went to the game. The last two matches have been on a Saturday, at Kardinia Park and televised on Fox Footy, exactly the same as Round 3. The past two weeks I have watched from the relative comfort of my uncomfortable couch. And Geelong has won both, handsomely.

Secondly, I wore a Geelong beanie, (a gift) which has only been worn once before. The first time I put this beanie on was immediately before the NAB cup grand final. Adelaide kicked about the first 4 goals, I took it off, and the rest, as they say, was on the front page of the Geelong Addy.

And thirdly, I took a friend of mine with me, not just any friend, no; this was a Hawthorn supporter, who hasn’t been to Kardinia Park in about 5 years. Geez, talk about a deal breaker, this is like rocking up to an open bar with Robert Downey Jnr. and wondering what went wrong. I don’t think I could have been given a bigger sign unless I had seen an actual hawk swoop down, grab my neighbour’s cat, eat it and shit it out all over my windscreen.

So yes, the Cats ruined my perfect weekend, ruined Easter, in fact, and I’m never going to another game again. Unless…Unless this is exactly what they wanted, unless the Geelong Football Club want to keep people from coming back to Skilled Stadium. Why would they want to do that, you ask? Listen up.

GFC membership sales have recently topped the 30 000 mark, somewhere around or above the capacity of Skilled Stadium. The Hawthorn game was a sell out, with people being turned away at the gate. A winning team means more fans, so if they beat Hawthorn, the demand for tickets to the next home game would have been even higher. So, with 30 000 members, plus general admission sales, what happens when the people who want to come to games at Kardinia Park just won’t fit? Would they turn away GFC members? Refuse to sell tickets to home games to the general public? What if buying a Geelong membership can not guarantee you’ll get in the gate at KP?


While you’re thinking about all of this, let me just raise the fact that Hawthorn was paying $6 for the win on Sportsbet. That’s 6-to-1 in a two horse race. (You think Frank Costa couldn’t come up with a lazy ten grand in unmarked, non-sequential 20’s and split it between 15 different bookies? Have you ever seen The Sopranos?)

Now remember, they didn’t appeal the Scarlett suspension and Steven King went off after 5 minutes with a mysterious hamstring injury, leaving the great Mark Blake to carry the ruck duties against the no. 1 tap ruckman in the league, ‘Spida’ Everitt. And have you ever seen any AFL team drop that many uncontested marks? Or kick 10 straight behinds? At their home ground where they have won 17 of their past 19? Plus, before the Hawthorn game Geelong were flag favourites, and favouritism, that is, being expected to win, is not something Geelong has a historically handled well. Perhaps they saw a chance to kill a few birds, albeit not Hawks, with one stone.

But before I tell you that I saw Hansie Cronje buying Cam Mooney a beer at the George & Dragon, let me just say that I will be back at the football, might even go this week. I just need to find a Geelong fan that hasn’t been to the Telstra Dome, a haunted Footscray beanie and a bulldog small enough to be eaten by a cat. Well, either that or Frank Costa’s bookie.

The Gambler, or, Kenny Rogers sucks.

So, Scarlett entered the early guilty plea, took the two week suspension rather than risk three weeks, and all because Bomber Thompson isn’t a gambler. Or rather, he’s a very shrewd gambler. If ‘Lips’ and the GFC brains trust chose to appeal the two week suspension, they would have been faced with three potential outcomes: 1) Scarlett gets off, free to play against all teams. 2) The Tribunal gives the maximum three week sentence. 3) The tribunal upholds the guilty verdict but dishes out something less, say a one game suspension.

Now, Thompson and the GFC staff probably figured that they could do without Scarlett at full back this week against Hawthorn for two reasons; firstly, because Scarlett probably wouldn’t have played on Hawthorn’s full forward, Mark Williams, who is a smaller, faster full forward, and secondly, Hawthorn aren’t very good. So let’s take option 3 out of the equation for now.

The video evidence may not show Scarlett’s fist actually making contact with Leigh Harding’s eye, but it looks pretty bad nonetheless. So the Cats hierarchy must have known the AFL would want to punish him somehow, meaning option 1 was somewhat unlikely. Which leaves us with, (drum-roll please…) option 2, Scarlett suspended for the maximum three weeks.

The next three Geelong opponents are Hawthorn, the Western Bulldogs and Sydney. Similar to Hawthorn, the Western Bulldogs don’t have a powerhouse full forward and rely on an even contribution from smaller, quicker, players, so again, no obvious match up for Scarlo. Sydney, however, has Barry Hall.

Taking the two weeks now makes sense. Geelong can get Scarlett rested and refocused, and anyway, he may not be missed all that much against the smaller, quicker forward lines. So relax Kenny, Bomber knows when to hold ‘em, when to fold ‘em, and when to swing Cam Mooney into defence.

In completely unrelated news, the other half of Big League Little League’s dynamic duo, Mrs. Watson, will be absent for the next week as he takes some time out of his busy schedule to take over as Richmond’s kicking coach, St. Kilda’s stylist, Chris Connolly’s lawyer and act as a consultant on a new Reality TV series based around the life of Michael Gardiner, tentatively titled, “The Chop”.

He will remain, (and I will join him for this week) drunk and churlish in Skilled Stadium’s outer. So if anyone is at the game, and wants to know what churlish means, come say hello, we’ll be under the scoreboard.

Diary of a Madman

For our overseas friends, and those who missed the game, I was good enough to keep a running diary of the Round two clash between Geelong and the Kangaroos. (All times relative to my rarely adjusted VCR. To be honest, you’re lucky it’s been changed since daylight savings.)

1:59 Coming to you live from the Captains couch! The fox footy team today is Jason Bennett, Glenn Manton, Wayne Schwass and boundary rider Richard Osbourne. Good to see foxtel brought the big guns down to Kardinia Park; what, was Phil Knarkle busy?

2:00 Line-ups are introduced, late changes for both teams, for Geelong, Shannon ‘Monty’ Byrnes out and Andrew ‘Smacky’ Mackie in. For the Kangaroos, Jon Hay out and first gamer Joel Perry in.

2:02 Interesting stat: Geelong has won 16 of their past 18 at Skilled stadium, holding opponents to an average of 65 points, opposed to 90 points at all other venues.

2:09 First gamer Perry keeps Ottens quiet for about 20 seconds before the big man marks 25m out. Good job there coach, way to build the rookie’s confidence. Ottens misses, which is unlike him, perhaps he’s wearing Kinglsey’s boots.

2:11 Mackie, who doesn’t seem to have an opponent, goals. Great, that’s another week in the seniors for him. Perhaps Laidley is trialling the rarely used, ‘opposition loose man in attack’.

2:13 Glenn Archer, who has lined up at full-forward is past it. He should have retired, stick a fork in him, he’s done. Shannon Grant has a ponytail that Cindy Brady would be embarrassed about. It’s about an inch long, completely unnecessary and makes him look like a poncy Euro soccer player.

2:15 Kingsley leads straight up the middle and marks, good signs. The Roos might miss Hay more than I thought. Kent kicks a point however; as Dr. Evil would say, pretty standard, really.

2:17 Archer hit’s the post from 2 metres out. What did I tell ya?

2:20 Kingsley marks again 15m out, on a slight angle. Meanwhile, there’s a scuffle in the goal square so Kent waits for the fight to escalate to the get the 50m penalty. Done and done. Hats off, Kingsley you magnificent bastard.

2:22 Kent again! That’s his second goal. Archer has been moved from full-forward already.

2:23 How good is Corey Enright? While being tackled he faked a right footed kick, then squeezed out one on the left, straight to a team-mate. Outstanding.

2:25 Mooney leaving the ground, bleeding like he’s just come back from Fight Club. I hope for the Roos sake that was an accident.

2:26 Steve Johnson replaces him and immediately fires a no-look, over the shoulder handball that misses the target. Oh well, back to the reserves. Or the Torquay pub.

2:29 Steve Johnson turns it over again, lucky it was to Cameron Thurley, who does nothing good with it.

2:29 Apparently Shannon Grant dives like a soccer player too. Dodgy free kick awarded, but he kicks into the man on the mark. Justice!

2:31 Ooh! I think Scarlett just belted Leigh Harding, good choice Matty!

2:32 Did Kingsley just take an overhead mark? Replay pending… Nope. Just touched it with the hands before bringing it back safely into the chest. He kicks truly, 3.1 for Kent so far, hammy must be fine.

2:36 Jess Sinclair claims a half-volley as a mark. I haven’t seen one that blatant since Australia’s cricket tour of South Africa. Umpire pays the mark and Sinclair gets a 50 metre penalty for the tackle which followed. Good to see the umpiring standards are similar to South Africa as well.

2:38 Wayne Schwass calls Joel Corey ‘under-rated’ for the 3rd time in about 25 seconds, breaking the previous record set by Dwayne Russell talking about Leo Barry. How long do people need to call you under-rated before you’re not?

2:39 Quarter time. The Kangaroo’s are shit, they’re never going to play any significant finals with their current coaching staff, playing list, and club philosophy. Just fuck off to the Gold Coast already. Geelong will shit this in.

2:48 Gary Jr. has the ball deep in the pocket on a set shot. It looks alright, it’s coming back… hits the post. His old man would have kicked that.

2:49 Archer throws it, not called. I think the umpires are afraid to call against him; he gets away with more cheap shots than anyone in the league. Well, maybe not Lloyd, but its close.

2:50 David Johnson - great beard.

2:51 Glenn Manton calls the Kangaroos the Lleyton Hewitt of the AFL. What, over-rated and annoying?

2:54 Kingsley has it again, 52m out, but the eyes are darting. This isn’t good.

2:55 Yep, Kent passes it, fucks it up, but Gaz bails him out, gives it back to him and Kent kicks a goal from about the same spot he had it in to begin with. Simple game, this.

2:59 The Roos play ugly, ugly football. You could say Laidley has put his stamp on the team.

3:01 Instead of shepparding for Chappy, Steve Johnson runs ahead, looking for the handball. Geelong, just a little sloppy this quarter.

3:04 Richard Osbourne from the sideline: “For every goal Geelong kicks into the wind, the Kangaroos need two with the wind…” Back to sleep now, Ozzy.

3:09 Geez, enough about the Kangaroos ‘Spirit’ already, they’re down by 5 goals, give it a rest Bennett.

3:11 A non-call leads to a Kangaroos goal, Geelong up by 24. Fox footy, can I get a free kick count?

3:13 Lead down to 18 points.

3:14 Just as the Roos start to come back, Kent marks and immediately stages for the 50m penalty. No dice. He kicks it anyway.

3:17 Halftime. Cats by 24 points. What’s with all the talk about the Kangaroos? The commentators, Jason Bennett especially, keep going on about how brave they were that quarter, yet for all that effort, commentator praise and dodgy free kicks, Geelong still won the quarter.

3:23 Fox footy still cant find a free kick statistic.

3:30 What’s with all these cars being marketed as ‘Extreme’ or ‘Funky’ or whatever other counter-culture is seemingly popular at the time? We’ve got roller-bladers and snow-boarders getting into 4WDs, cars dancing and playing basketball: Who comes up with these fucking clichéd ads? The whole point of any kind of counter, or sub, culture is that it’s moving away from the mainstream. As Eddie Vedder once said, “You couldn’t sell a grunge car because the people who are into grunge aren’t going to buy it; they’re going to say ‘fuck you, man’”. Here, here, Ed.

3:34 Richard Osbourne begins his halftime report with, “Whether you’re a Geelong supporter or a Cats supporter…” Didn’t think I’d ever say this, but I miss Christie Malthouse.

3:35 Quick shot of the Auskick kids and I’m pretty sure I saw Brent Harvey in there.

3:39 Laidley has started the 2nd half by moving Archer onto Kingsley, who immediately kicks a goal. Good job coach, the MENSA membership is in the mail. Even Glenn Manton is skeptical at this point.

3:40 I hadn’t finished writing that and Junior kicks another one, bursting from the middle of the ground.

3:42 Cam Mooney gets tangled up with a Roos player yet against every fibre in his body, doesn’t snot him. Shame, it was Harding again.

3:43 Oh shit! Leigh Brown’s head just bent backwards 180 degrees, as if he was looking at his own ass. He’s ok though. Any chance we can get his neck muscles transplanted into Ottens’ groin?

3:45 Cameron Thurley just got run down from behind by Steven King. Read that sentence again. That’s why we got rid of him.

3:47 That whole, ‘take a mark, then immediately point at the man on the mark’ thing, we get it, ok? It’s not primary school, no-one’s cheating at this point, just go back and take your kick.

3:49 Ablett roves in the forward line, dribbles it forward and hit’s the post again. He’s gotta lead the league in posters, can somebody find this out?

3:50 Milburn is penalized for knocking the arms of a Roos player in a marking contest and the crowd boos. Jason Bennett says, “The fans don’t know the rules”. A little bitter there, Jase? What’s the matter, just buy a Kangaroos membership? Meanwhile, Jarrad Rooke sprints with the flight of the ball and launches himself into the path of an on-coming Nathan Thompson to take the grab. Great stuff.

3:51 Glenn Manton is now taking shots at Archer, while his former team-mate, Schwass, tries to defend him. Gold.

3:52 Harding gets a free for in the back, which was tough on Will Slade. Picture this: two players sprinting for the ball, they both dive at it, the defender, who is behind, gets a clean punch on it, and the ball leaves the area and the contest. Now, as they both fall to ground, the defender lands on the leading forward, almost every time resulting in a free kick for a ‘push in the back’. The ball is well clear, it hasn’t affected the play, and it’s not a push. So why is it a free? I’m just saying…

3:53 While he lines up for goal, a small black eye has appeared on Harding, probably courtesy of Scarlett’s earlier short armed uppercut. Jason Bennett dobs Scarlett in while trying to find out if his membership is refundable.

3:54 Geelong moves the ball quickly and easily as Jimmy Bartel marks and goals. He has been reasonably quiet, however.

3:55 Corey Jones picks up a loose possession in the defensive 50 all by himself as a solitary boo comes from the crowd. Probably Mrs. Watson.

3:56 Kent takes another mark as he leads Archer to the ball by about 10 metres. Archer, probably slowed down by the fork sticking out of his back, subsequently gives away a 50m penalty and gives Kent another easy one from the goal square. That’s 8 goals to Kingsley, 8.1 to be exact. Maybe he did swap boots with Ottens. And by the way, that’s 7 unanswered goals for the Cats.

3:59 Steve Johnson makes it 8 unanswered, no, hang on, over-ruled by the field umpire who says it hit the post. Replay shows it missed the post by 2 feet. In related news, the same umpire will be adjudicating on all Damien Martyn LBW decisions in the next Ashes series.

4:01 Jarrad Rooke just nailed someone with a hip and shoulder while shepparding. I think it was Grant.

4:02 I think Schwass is starting to turn on Laidley now. Grant still sucking in the big ones.

4:04 Great, here’s the flood. Ladies & Gentleman, Dean Laidley!

4:05 Matthew Egan beats Nathan Thompson in the air one-on-one, then sheppards for Josh Hunt as the ball comes to ground. Well played.

4:07 Another rubbish free kick, and 50m penalty resulting in a Kangaroo shot at goal. Where are the fucking free kick stats, fox footy? The goal is missed.

4:07 Three quarter time. That was a 7 goal to zip quarter, Cats lead by 64 points. How’s that Kangaroo fighting spirit, Bennett?

4:18 The fourth quarter seems pretty dead as North get another free kick. ( I’m sick of calling them the kangaroos, its North Melbourne, alright? If not, as I said, just fuck off to Queensland). Still no free kick count. Manton openly questioning Laidley now.

4:20 Glenn Archer gets his second kick for the day.

4:25 I don’t mean to pick on him, but twice now Steve Johnson has pretended to trip over rather than chase his opponent.

4:26 Daniel Wells and Cam Mooney both sprinting to a loose ball, you know what’s gonna happen, right? Wells looks up, hesitates, Mooney bumps him and grabs the ball. Footsteps Wells, footsteps.

4:28 Bartel kicks the first goal of the last quarter. Bartel, David Johnson, Steve Johnson and Joel Corey all sporting a beard.

4:30 Kent takes another one on the lead is lining up for number 9. Not this one. Drifting kick going across the face… OTTENS! The big man takes the grab and kicks the goal, putting the ball onto the roof of the Hickey stand. Nice.

4:33 Another 50m penalty resulting in a goal for North. That’s 4 goals from free kicks for them.

4:35 Geez, North suck, I wonder what the temperature is on the Gold Coast today?

4:40 Corey Jones, another garbage time goal for North.

4:42 Just as the siren is about to go Ablett competes with 2 defenders in the goal square, brings the ball to ground then somehow squeezes a kick between them for the goal, his fourth.

4:43 Game Over. Final Score Geelong 22.6, 138 defeat North 10.9, 69.

Extra: Back to the Fox Footy Central team, Jason Dunstall and Wayne Carey. Dunstall’s hair seems to match his beard; he has the ‘soul patch’ and a corresponding stand alone patch on his forehead. Scary, scary stuff for those with HDTV.

Round 2: Pumping shit, throwing shit.

Mrs. Watson: Nothing would please me more than to see the Saints lose tonight, but it ain't gonna happen. People laughed at my suggestion that Richmond would finish last, but where are those people now? Rowie even bet me they'd make the finals. Then again, he has Warren Tredrea in his Dream Team, so the man obviously has no class. Mo and I reckon Saints by 77 pts.

Captain: Did Warren Tredrea steal Matthew Primus' jumper, as well as the captaincy? Someone told me he's wearing no. 1 this year; what's next, an uncoordinated kicking style and a crippling knee injury? Oh... Tough to choose who I'd rather see lose between Port and Sydney, kinda like when Bruce Willis has to choose a weapon to kill Zed with in Pulp Fiction; either option will be effective, yet ultimately fail to make up for past affronts. Anyone else hoping for a draw?

Mrs. Watson: A nil all draw would be great; Sydney flood all day and forget to kick forward, and Port will again play too shite to score. Sydney will win this one unfortunately. I found the Hawks, Magpies game difficult to tip. Bird vs Bird. I went with the Hawks eventually, but I thought the Magpies did alright on Monday night against the Crows (until Adelaide started trying). In my opinion there are too many bird teams in the AFL: Eagles, Crows, Hawks, Magpies, Swans (if you can call that a bird. It's like calling a girl a boy, really). And what about Fremantle? If a Docker can get a football club named after him then surely other professions deserve a look-in. How about the Gold Coast Stock Brokers? Or the Hobart Guys Who Pump Toilets At Music Festivals? The Adelaide Priests? There's a menacing name! Keep the mascot away from the younger fans though. Speaking of Adelaide, they shouldn't have any problems with the Weagles on Sunday.

Captain: Yeah, what the hell is a Docker? Is it a wharfie? I guess that would be appropriate; you know, overpaid, under productive, generally an embarrassment to the country. And funny you should mention the Gold Coast; if the AFL relocate a team there, where are those guys gonna go on their end of season trip? I think we should also move a team to Bali, perhaps Essendon. The Bombers aren't going that far from Windy Hill this week, but they may as well be, 'cos they aint winning this one. Lethal will have the Lions pumped and ready to knock the fake-tan out of Essendon. Bulldogs v Melbourne is interesting, whaddya think, Watto?

Mrs. Watson: Baby Mooney thinks Bulldogs, but it'll be close. Baby Mooney got 8 right last week. Here's an interesting stat: ex-Cat Brent Maloney had the highest number of long kicks into the forward line last year, but also had the highest number of clearances immediately resulting in opposition goals. Glad we got Ottens for that costly midfielder. Anyone can kick long into the forward line really; it's just a matter of wanting to, or not wanting to. Was that a Bali Bomber joke, Captain?

Captain: Would it be wrong to suggest Jason McCartney as captain/coach?

Mrs.Watson: Yes it would, but it's not illegal, so fair call. I have zero faith in him in either position anyway. The guy's a dumbshit, and always was a very average player. But moving on...we haven't touched on the Cats game yet. I think this is very losable. The Kangaroos make me nervous.

Captain: Ah, saving the best til last we were, just keeping the readers hooked. Speaking of dumbshits, there's my segue to Dean Laidley. The Kangaroos are nothing to fear, my only worry is that without Leigh Colbert the 75 year old Geelong nannas won't know who to boo. Of course, we are talking about the Kangaroos, so it wouldn't surprise me if they've signed Mick Mansfield mid-week. Booo!

Mrs Watson: I say boo Cameron Thurley!

Captain: Ahh, that’s better.

The Captain's random musings on Round 1:

Richmond looked as pathetic as Mrs. Watson hoped they’d be, which reminds me, what ever happened to the whole ‘5 things’ concept?… Quentin Lynch is making Eagles fans long for the glory days of the Brett Spinks era… Mark Harvey is already practising keeping a straight face at the sacking of Chris Connelly press conference, which, as stipulated in his contract, is scheduled for the Tuesday between rounds 5 and 6… Nathan Ablett kicked 6 goals in the VFL, I’m just saying… I’ve complained about free-to-air commentators before, but Foxtel has taken it to a new level with Tony Shaw. I mean, how can anyone take anything he says seriously? The man literally ran into a tree… Despite them winning, and with the exception of Chris Connelly, does any coach inspire less confidence than Dean Laidley?... How long until Hawthorn bite the bullet and just employ their own hair stylist?... Essendon went to town on Sydney in the first half. I mean, everything went right, and yet Sydney were still in the game, which is either worrying for Essendon or reassuring for Sydney; I’m betting it’s the former… Maybe the guy on the National Bank ad should have taught Nick Riewoldt to kick as well, he looks like he’s been getting advice from Ian Baker-Finch… David Wirrpunda looked good for West Coast, although he hasn’t had a direct opponent since late 2001… During Foxtel’s ‘Footy Central’, hosted by Jason Dunstall and Wayne Carey, I couldn’t help but think if Wayne had “met” Mrs. Dunstall, and if the same thought had crossed Jason’s mind… The Port Adelaide midfield looks thinner than Josh Francou’s hair… ‘Bomber’ “Lips” Thompson was disappointed his team only kicked 17 goals. Jesus, someone get this guy some Prozac… Maybe Adelaide isn’t as good as we first thought, and that whole, stop/start, run the clock style of play? Disgusting. Time to take down the Neil Craig posters… Ryan Griffen said Richmond “gave up” during their 113 point loss to the Western Bulldogs. Gee Ryan, you think?... Is it just me, or is Mark Riccuito just a little bit over-rated? [It’s just you – Mrs. Watson]…The Australian Tax Office is investigating over 200 hundred professional athletes, including footballers, over tax fraud. Do you think Shane Woewodin is starting to worry about declaring solarium visits as a ‘work expense’?...

Kennett and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat



For me, two things became perfectly clear during Round 1 of this year's AFL Premiership Season. One, my Dream Team is pathetic. Sure, Daniel Cross, Darren Milburn, and Luke Hodge should come in handy but my drunken selections of Blake Caracella and Ashley Sampi will no doubt come back and bite me square on the rear end. Two, Jeff Kennett has one mean ass fuckin' tailor. Look at this picture; have a long look. Bask in the glory that is Jeffery's wonderful waistcoat. The ex-Prem has promised to don this magnificent jacket after each Hawthorn victory during his reign as club President, and I gotta tell ya, I think it's great. In fact, I think that had Kennett been wearing this golden boy during his 1999 State election campaign Steve Bracks would probably be kicking shit at the Noodle Box on Ryrie St today.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not usually one for such outward expressions of team pride. Let it be said that there's only one thing that annoys me more than that twat who spends the whole game banging on the fence, and it's that over eager football nerd who rocks up at the ground decked out, head to toe, in every possible item of his team's paraphernalia. Beanie, polo, scarf, trackpants, flag; hell, I once saw a North supporter wearing Kangaroo sunglasses; c'mon, GET A LIFE! At a pub after Saturday's Cats game in Geelong, I even met a girl wearing GFC Cons. There's something different about this jacket, though. Something about it screams, "I know I look stupid, but eat some shit while you take a look at the scoreboard buddy, we won!"

But maybe that's the difference: a little sense of humour. Maybe that's why the giant foam hand, or the Scarlett wig are a little bit more acceptable than the try hard face painter. And before you start comparing Kennett's fine taste in football apparel with the sparkling monstrosity Joffa produces on the rare occasion his team crosses the finish line ahead, think about this: which one would you rather wear? Jeff's reversable dreamcoat, or Joffa's white trash mardi gras outfit. I rest my case.

I reckon the Geelong Football club should jump on board Kennett's bandwagon. The Cat's Shop could spew a few thousand of these out at $299 a pop and turn a massive profit. Hell, maybe I wouldn't buy one, but at least I'd know who not to spit beer at. Guy in ridiculous blue and white reversable suit jacket = gutsy. Guy in Bendigo Bank VFL jumper = tosspot.

Out.