In it to Win it, or, Anyone but Collingwood

I have attempted to write something, anything for this site for several weeks now. I have had ideas come and go: Some good, that I might use later in the finals (like Darren Milburn), and some not so good, that will be forgotten and dismissed as an obvious mistake (like Brent Grgic). Finally I realized what the problem was: It wasn’t that I didn’t have any “good” ideas, it was that I didn’t have any “good and relevant” ideas and, really, any football season is made “good” by how “relevant” your team is. So this equation all comes down to the one, nay, the only question worth asking: Can “we” win the flag, or, rephrased as 2011 specific, can anyone beat Collingwood? Let’s work it out, bottom to top:

The Jim Corr “Unnecessary” Group:
Fremantle
The Dockers are predictably flaky again and, like some sort of bullied schoolkid, have an unhealthy reliance on their big-man-on-campus, Lurch Sandilands. Their other “superstar”, Matthew Pavlich, is so quickly, and unfortunately, developing into the Karl Malone of the AFL that I’m just gonna go ahead and start calling him “The Mailman”.

North Melbourne
I can’t help but like North Melbourne because; a) I used to live there and it’s a great suburb that features one of my favourite pubs which serves my favourite parmi; b) they never beat Geelong; c) I feel extra, oddly connected because of the Scott bros, and d) Drew Petrie has made my otherwise insipid Supercoach team mildly competitive this season. (I lost this week to the top team in the 2nd round of finals. Not a bad result considering most of the season I didn’t make any trades, repeatedly forgot to assign emergencies, managed to make the worst captaincy choices and, for comedy purposes, carried Karmichael Hunt all season.)

Essendon
God, I hate Essendon.

Sydney
This season the Swans seem strangely anonymous, without identity and completely forgettable. Perhaps John Longmire is still finding his feet. Or perhaps they’re so bland that they’re slowly being wiped from the collective AFL fan base’s memory, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind style. I mean, besides Adam Goodes, who is their next best player? Mumford & Son? Kieran Jack? Jesus. Send Mark Ruffalo back in to finish the job. And while he’s there, get rid of the 2008 Grand Final, Beverly Hills Cop 3, Nick Dal Santo’s package, the 2nd date I had with that chick whose name I forgot and every You Am I album after Hourly Daily.

The Jackson Browne “Runnin’ on Empty” Group:
St Kilda
People will say, “don’t write the Saints off”, or, “on their day they can beat anyone”, but don’t be fooled: The Saints want this season over with. Ross Lyon is (or should be) thinking about the Melbourne job and, mentally, the players are already crowding into a Thailand, lady-boy nightclub and shelving rohypnol. They’ve done well to turn their season around after a particularly putrid start, but, like an armed veterinarian to a limping thoroughbred, the sheet is about to be pulled.

Oh, and did I ever tell you about my idea to re-shoot the “Saints Footy!” ad? It would feature the same shitty song but the on-field highlights would be replaced by Riewoldt crying, Kim Duthie in a bikini, Kosi passing out on David Schwartz, various players walking into/out of court, Mick Malthouse calling Stephen Milne a rapist and then looking smugly self-satisfied and, of course, Zac and Nick the Dick. Saints Footy!!

Carlton
Carlton are flat track bullies. They’ve beaten none of the top 4 teams and feasted on the chumps like Port, Melbourne and Richmond. Their key position guys are sketchy, at best (Lachie Henderson? Brett Freakin’ Thornton? Really?), they feature Mrs Watson’s most hated player, Mitch Robinson, and they rely far too much on small forwards for their goals, which as we know, is a September no-no. I’m sick of the hoopla surrounding these assholes. They’re going nowhere. And while we’re here, why was Chris Judd allowed to sign the $1m, outside the salary cap, VISY deal and yet Gary Junior was specifically prevented from making any such arrangement with Frank Costa or any other of the numerous Geelong millionaires? What exactly is Judd’s role at VISY? Can anyone remember him doing anything for them? Does he even sort the recycling from the rubbish at home? At least he’s not writing for The Age anymore, now that was rubbish... (Thank you! Goodnight everyone! Please, try the veal...)

The Colonel Samuel Trautman Memorial “They’re close” Group:
West Coast
A very surprising season for the Coasters will culminate in a top-4 finish and a date with Collingwood round one of the finals. So, to answer our initial query, can the Eagles beat Collingwood? In a word, no: Experience counts for a lot more in post-season action and the Eagles aren’t quite there yet. They are a dangerous team, however, as Geelong fans found out not too long ago. They have a young, developing midfield, two very good ruckmen, some tall forwards who can take grabs, a genuine home ground advantage and the best “frosted-tips-per-player” average in the league, narrowly upsetting St Kilda who was almost single-handedly carried to victory by Jason Gram. Quick question; do they test for PEDs in WA? They do? Ok, forget I said anything... HGH included? All that Tour De France shit too? Yeah? Alright, not a problem... John Worsfold is a pharmacist, right? You’re not sure? I think he is... No, I’m not accusing anyone of anything... Just asking a question... Why so defensive?

Hawthorn
Sigh. This is becoming like a bad horror movie. Not these assholes again. The Cats are going to have a pretty tough assignment first up, but we’ll get to that when we get to that. Is Hawthorn a genuine flag threat? I don’t see it. Their midfield is strong, their forward line is dangerous, but their backline is relying too much on inexperienced, B-graders (Schoenmakers, Murphy, Whitecross, Suckling, Shiels) who haven’t been tested on the big stage (you know, because Hawthorn keep missing the finals). Plus, one should be automatically sceptical of any team who would willingly involve Cameron Bruce and the on-going comedy of his rapidly expanding bald spot; he’s two seasons away from looking like either George Costanza or David Hale.

For all the press they have been getting, they’ve only beaten up a few average teams and played a good half against Carlton. Plus, they played Collingwood earlier in the year, when they were in good form and everyone was talking up their “short-kicking, possession game style” as a Magpie killer. And they got smacked. Next!

The Irish Terry Conklin “Only Team to Beat Them” Group:
Geelong
The premise of this blog is, “Who can beat the Pies?” And so far this year, only one team has done it. Make no mistake, however, Collingwood have been far and away the best team this season and 2011 will go down as one of the greatest seasons in VFL/AFL history – that is, if they win the premiership.

As Geelong supporters know only too well, remarkable seasons tend to be forgotten (or deliberately removed from the memory) if they fail to produce a flag at the end of them. This also confuses idiotic, hyperbole-driven sports writers, who have clamoured to find adjectives for the 2011 Magpies, using words such as “unprecedented” when, really, a perfect precedent exists from only 3 years ago.

In “the season that shall no longer be named”, The Cats finished a staggering 21-1 with a percentage of 162; this year the Maggies are 19-1 with a percentage of 179. The ‘08 Cats were coming off a premiership the year before, as are Collingwood this year. Geelong’s only loss of that season was to Collingwood, Collingwood’s only this year was to Geelong. Some interesting parallels, no?

Are Collingwood tiring after performing at such a frenetic pace for such a long time? Are Geelong better rested, trained to the minute, for a September (October) run? Let’s not forget that there’s still a long way to go and that injuries and sheer dumb luck will surely play their part (I still believe that Tom Harley getting KO’d in ’08 was the biggest reason for losing that day).

Another thing Geelong supporters know, and was painfully demonstrated in 2008, then gloriously demonstrated in 2009, is that you don’t need to be the best team all year, only the best when it counts. Be that as it may, the premiership goes through Collingwood in 2011. But Geelong’s best is more than good enough: It already has been once this year.