Call and Response

Thanks to atilla, Tee, the two Chris Jacksons (seriously, one of you has to become Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf), Baxter, BTO, MattyP and Dr Seuss for contributing. And sorry I didn’t answer all the questions but we’ll do this again in the near future. Without further ado…

Why the fuck isn't Max Rooke the Cats tackling coach?

Rather than tackling coach, I’d like to see Max Rooke in charge of something a little more abstract at Catland. I’d like him to encourage Daniel Menzel to grow some weird facial hair; to recommend a second hand car to Allen Christiansen; or to take Nathan Vardy to a Polvo reunion gig. I guess you would call him something like ‘cultural affairs officer’ or ‘Dude who hangs around and makes sure everything is awesome’.

Why did Fox Footy let Tiffany Cherry go? Why do we get David King instead? Would even Freo agree to such a trade?

I cannot comment on Tiffany Cherry, other than not since Misty Hymen have we seen such a porn-ready name. I do, however, always get a kick out of seeing who Fox Sports trot out for the Sunday, twilight, “Freo v Sydney” type games. Safe to say you’re deep in “B-team” territory when you find yourself saying, “Dear God, is that Tony Shaw? I miss Glenn Jakovich.”


Does the absence of Shan Shan and Silkworm, coupled with our unbeaten start to the season, prove we were right about them all along? Actually, I'll answer that one - too fucking right it does.

Although this has already been answered, and correctly, I might add, I’ll speak to a larger point: The rotation of players through the team we see each week is fantastic man management by Chris Scott. Under Lips the team rarely changed and he did seem to have his favourites, like Monty and Silkworm, but Scott has made 3-4 changes every week, and although its probably true that the players are legitimately not 100% fit, the same could be said for every player in the league. So, this rotation is most definitely “resting” but it also has another, massive positive; experience and game time for the younger brigade you couldn’t get into the side under Lips. This year we’ve seen Vardy, Christiansen, Cowan and Cam Guthrie (the bloke that everyone forgotten from round 1, who deserved his spot after a great preseason) all debut, plus more consistent game time for Taylor Hunt, Fletch and Menzel (who Mrs Watson and I were calling “Dog Junior” for a while due to his uncanny biomechanical resemblance to Steve Johnson. This, I should point out though, is NOT an endorsed Mrs W nickname. He’s still working on it, which, from what I can see, involves him drinking 3-4 IPAs, insulting every opposing player and then randomly coming up with gold.) Scott has also publically commented that Mitch Brown will get his chance soon and that Steve Motlop is a chance too. And, as I pointed out to Big League sympathizer Parker not long ago, the bloke everyone was most excited about from last years draft, who apparently has a bit of Goddard about him, Billy Smedts, is still up their 2012 sleeve. God, when Mrs W sees him that’s gonna be some nickname.


Does Brent Moloney look slow? Or does he just not blink much?

Brent Maloney is “The Situation” of the AFL. He would also be leading Melbourne’s Best & Fairest. By a mile.


Falou or K-Hunt?

Is there a third option? I haven’t seen anything of Falou, and very little of Karmichael, so, based on the extensive range of multivitamins he consumes and all the international training he seems to do, I’d probably take... Wait, Folou’s first name is Israel, right? And that means I’d get to call him Izzy? Yea, Izzy, I’d take Izzy.


Can we officially lay to rest rock music?

You mean in the sense that everything in the charts seems to be soulless, auto-tuned, over-marketed, tween-fap produced from, as Bill Hicks might say, “corporate suckers of Satan’s cock”? Who cares. Let the baby have its bottle. As long as Bob Pollard is alive, I’m ok.


Does Mitch Duncan run like a girl?

C’mon, that’s a cheap shot. I will not have a bad word said about “Fletch”.


Does Daniel Menzel like look Justine Bateman circa 1986?

Careful, you’ve been warned. (Note: I think the Family Ties repeats underestimate the perceived hotness of Justine Bateman during her TV prime. It’s easy to watch now and judge, but back then she was considered a genuine hottie. Then again, that may have been due to years of working next to Tina Yothers. Ugh, I’d rather bang Michael Gross.)


Has Justin Koschitzke usurped Mark Blake as the worst regular senior footballer in the league?

My theory is that West Coast’s Mark Nicoski is the worst player in the AFL, and has been for some time, but just like good players in WA are sometimes ignored by the larger (read: Victorian) football media, so to do the assholes. As for the on-going Kosi rubbishness, it is a constant source of enjoyment for Mrs Watson and I, W especially. And I never tire of Grant Thomas on Footy Classified explaining that all Kosi needs is a bit of freedom and confidence that “a run in the ruck” will provide: I hate to break it to you, Walnut, but that ship sailed around the time that he started running into inanimate objects and collapsing into the arms of various TV presenters.


How the FUCK did Nick Maxwell get a media gig?

That Nick Maxwell is able to achieve a lot of things is a mystery, but this idea of employing active players as commentators is bizarre. I mean, I know they want to get into the media and they’re supposed to give us an insider’s view, but won’t somebody please think of the recently retired players?! This seems to be the career options for ex-AFL players: Assistant coach, commentator/media role or drug addled, gambling-addicted adulterer. And it’s this last category that needs to be given the “special comments” jobs. I’m not interested in Tom Harley talking about body-positioning for key defenders, I want Ben Cousins’ insight on the post-game party scene in Sydney, or Fev telling a hilarious story about the time he dropped 40K at the Adelaide casino and then pegged Simon Goodwin’s wife. Get on it, One HD!


Are the Saints higher/lower on the 'karma-scale' than they deserve?

They’re probably still better off than they should be, considering they’re inflicted Steven Baker, Stephen “Allegedly” Milne, Grant “Walnut” Thomas, Nick Riewold’t cock and the hair stylings of Jason Gram upon us. I think the “St Kilda schoolgirl”, Kim Duthie, is bat-shit crazy, however and she seems a prime candidate for the “rabbit-head-in-the-soup” trick. (By the way, do we have a more current yardstick that Fatal Attraction for insane women? Surely there’s something more recent we can use. Suggestions?) The one person who has yet to receive their cosmic comeuppance, however, is Ricky Nixon. Besides all the usual slime-ball/soul glow remarks to be made here, (btw, I think Shane Mumford has the same hairdresser) Nixon has put on a clinic on “how not to run a public relations campaign”. Pretty safe to now add “professionally incompetent” to his list of charges.


Would Ottens, Byrnes, Mackie and Wojcinski make a good barber-shop quartet?

Or Law firm. Or a below average starting centre-square.


Can the big German take the Mavs over the top of Wade & his sidekicks?

I didn’t get to this one in time, but will give you my take on the NBA anyway. Firstly, after the Chicago series, I was all aboard Miami: Their defence was awesome, Mike Miller’s corpse was resuscitated, Haslem looked confident again and they finally figured out that Mario Chalmers is to Mike Bibby as Kim Kardashian is to Chloe. Plus, LBJ looked like he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. As for Dallas, Dirk was Dirk but their backcourt rotation of Kidd, Terry and Barea couldn’t guard me at this point. With home court advantage I was expecting Miami in 6 games. So what happened? LeBron was below par, simple as that. As to why, well speculation ranges from “he was tired” to, “he has no dick”: So which one is it? How will LBJ and Miami respond? Will the failure fuel LeBron to work out all off-season, develop a low-post game, learn to play off the ball and get a go-to-move so he doesn’t just jack off-balance 3s when the game is close? Will they fire coach Spoelstra? Or trade Bosh? For a team that’s only played together 8 or 9 months I think the Heat had a great season. If they can find a better way to utilize their weapons offensively (were Wade and James EVER in a pick n roll?) they’ll be right back in the Finals. And only then, will we have an answer on LeBron.


Where should I spend this New Years Eve: South America, Europe or Africa?

Interesting choices... How do you feel about AIDS?


Finally, not a question, but a comment: I understand that the match review panel will occasionally offer up some inconsistencies as there are some grey areas in the game and the way charges are assessed. However, the Joel Selwood case seems absurd, even for the MRP. Consider the following: He has a squeaky-clean tribunal record, apparently dating all the way back to under 10s; the footage is inconclusive at best; and he testified that he did not deliberately strike him. For the MRP to then suspend him for four weeks, when Dale Thomas served one and Campbell Brown two, is not only baffling but insulting. Appeal that shit.