Coach Watch

It’s all been about coaches this week; the Scott brothers going head to head, Dean Bailey fighting for his job and Neil Craig losing his shit. So, with that in mind, let’s look at the state of the league’s coaches, from worst to first.

Brisbane Lions: Watching Voss’ post game press conferences it’s impossible to tell whether Brisbane has won or lost. I’m almost certain this isn’t a good thing.

Port Adelaide: As Mrs Watson so succinctly summed up, “I can’t believe Matthew Primus is in charge of an AFL club.”

North Melbourne: Brad Scott seems reasonably smart, dedicated and hard working. Unfortunately his team prominently features Michael Firrito. Seriously, they should have gone to the Gold Coast.

St Kilda: Ross Lyon reminds me of Homer Simpson at the moment, chasing after his ruined roast pig, telling anyone who’ll listen, “It’s still good! It’s still good!”

Gold Coast: I am completely indifferent to the Suns at this stage, but I do have a general, vague dislike of Guy McKenna that no-one can talk me out of.

Adelaide: I think Neil Craig is starting to turn. Once a controlled and composed tactician and thinker, he is now using ambiguous game footage to settle unknown quarrels with unidentified media members. Some Blight-esque antics surely can’t be far away.

Western Bulldogs: Rodney Eade is going to be the best special comments man on Channel 7 next year.

West Coast: Worsfold’s a twat.

Richmond: The real beauty of Richmond’s current renaissance is not the good job that Damien Hardwick is doing, but that it only goes to magnify the ultimate and complete failure that was Terry Wallace.

Sydney: Not much to go on with John “The Horse” Longmire. Sydney is right where they should be. (And since I have nothing else to add, here’s some unrelated Mrs Watson gold: “I want to do a modern remake of Moby Dick: It will be set on a Japanese whaler and at the end they just spear the c#nt and drag him onboard.”)

Melbourne: Melbourne coming out and flogging Adelaide was a good sign for Dean Bailey and, really, the only possible result for them to be taken seriously. I still think Maloney should be captain, however.

Fremantle: Whenever I think of Mark Harvey I envision him as a contestant on the British TV quiz show “Mastermind”. As the host continues to fire questions at Harvey, (“What is the capital of Zaire? Who invented the electric lightbulb? In what year was the French revolution?”) he stares blankly, mouth agape, uncomprehending, unmoved and completely silent.

Hawthorn: For a team that seemingly has a lot of talent yet constantly falls short of expectation and is consistently inconsistent, Alistair Clarkson seems to escape criticism. I wonder, for example, how the Hawks would go with Rocket Eade as coach and how the angry midget would go at the Dogs?

Carlton: Chris Judd saved Brett Ratten’s job, make no mistake about it. Ratten just seems out of his depth to me, but they seem to be going alright, so what the Hell do I know?

Essendon: As Mrs Watson knows, my hatred for Essendon runs deep and irrational, and their current success only fuels that fire. Last weekend, speaking to my Dad about the Cats, he dropped this without provocation: “We just have to beat Essendon and James Hird, the arrogant bastard.” Well said, Dad, well said.

Geelong: What can we say about Chris Scott? So far the defence looks a little more solid, the players seem rejuvenated and Geelong is undefeated. When he speaks to the media he seems humble, straight forward and just generally like he knows what he’s doing. Tactically Geelong seem a little more willing to kick long to a contest and also hold the ball up when required. He’s played James Kelly in the midfield a lot more than Thompson did and Kelly is responding with his best season to date. He’s committed to the next generation of players (Menzel, Duncan, Hunt, etc) and rightfully so. It’s early, but so far Chris Scott looks the goods.

Collingwood: Ahh, Mick...