Gold Coast Gary and the Case of the Missing Meat Pies

Captain: Let me get this straight; Lips is gone, Ablett is gone, Leigh Brown is a premiership player and you’re back. Am I in one of those Twilight Zone episodes where everything has changed but I’m the same?

Mrs Watson: I’m not back, and don’t pretend you watched the Twilight Zone - that shit was produced in the 60s. Regardless, you sound surprised about Ablett. Did you not see Dane Beams' sexual assault allegations on the horizon either?

Captain: Ablett leaving is second only to the closure of Beaumonts Pies as Geelong’s greatest tragedy. Still, as Dane Beams hasn’t apparently learnt yet, free will is alive and well. But, the friggin’ Gold Coast? Really? I guess you can’t buy taste. What do you think about my idea to re-recruit Nathan Ablett in a purely spite-driven move?

Mrs Watson: I pretty much base all my life decisions on spite, so naturally, I fully endorse your plan. I also suggest that once we’ve secured the deal, we trade him immediately to an Adelaide side thereby ruining his life as well. Do you know it’s legal to be Dean Brogan in Adelaide, Captain? And now Richard Tambling lives there. Can’t be a good place.

Captain: Speaking of gawky looking ruckmen and pointless trades, apparently there is ZERO interest around the league in your pet, Mark ‘Silkworm’ Blake. When he returns to KP with his tail between his legs, will he be given the no. 1 job or the Peter Street treatment? Is Trent West gone? Is Nathan Vardy a chance to play seniors? Is Dawson Simpson the reverse Neil Craig? This situation needs to be sorted out; to paraphrase Jeff Thomson, Tom Hawkins isn’t a ruckman’s asshole.

Mrs Watson: Hawkins isn’t a forward’s asshole either, apparently, but anyway... All this Mark Blake hating bothers me. I mean, sure, he’s a really fucking horrible footballer, but let’s not forget that Brad Ottens played only 6 games in 2009 and didn’t show up for the Grand Final. As far as I’m concerned, Blake deserves a break – whether you like it or not, he’s our most recent Premiership ruckman. Man, I hated Peter Street though. That guy was shit.

Captain: Poor old Bradley, he’s really fallen off the face of the earth, hasn’t he? Let me forward a reader question to you; how good can Trav Varcoe become? Is he capable, at least partially, of filling the Ablett void? And is there anyone else we can expect/hope to step up?

Mrs Watson: Travis Varcoe has hit the roof. He won’t get any better. And just to confirm, you’re asking me if he or anyone else is capable of filling Ablett’s void? Is that right?

Captain: ...

Mrs Watson: Ok. Well, let me put it this way. No one can fill Ablett’s void completely. Varcoe could probably fill say, 65, 70% of Ablett’s void, but someone else would have to fill in what’s left. Then you’ve got two people filling Ablett’s void. And who’s going to fill that’s person void?

Captain: …

Mrs Watson: [Look Captain, just a side note here... you’re really going to have to phrase your questions a little more carefully in the future.] What I’m trying to say is, we can’t expect to be completely satisfied with however this unfolds. But nevertheless, this scenario really excites me.

Captain: Yep. They really need to squeeze some of the kids into this team and find out what, exactly, we have. And start with Taylor Hunt, who has some pace and awareness and did not seemed fazed at all playing seniors. While you’re on a roll, Mrs W, make a call on the future of the following players: Ottens, Milburn, Rooke, Joel Corey and Cameron Ling.

Mrs Watson: 2011, for me, will be less about recruiting, and more about caching draft picks, playing some youngsters, and still making the eight. To achieve this, we’re gonna need Milburn (still probably handier than Mackie, in a sense), Ling and Corey. I can’t remember anything Ottens has done since the 2007 Grand Final, and due to injury, we’ve been essentially “doing without” him for some time. Rooke may find a place in a Cats side that needs him to just stand in the one spot, but other than that, him and his outrageous haircut will limp out his current contract, and that’ll be it.

Captain: I like this approach but is there any chance The Cats could transplant Max Rooke’s hair onto the P.O.D.? And perhaps Dasher’s testacles onto Andrew Mackie? Was that a cheap shot? Shannon Byrnes would have been odds-on there, surely. Who is going to coach this ragged outfit, W? I always enjoyed the work of Kenny Hinkley as a player. Any thoughts?

Mrs Watson: Malcolm Blight or Mark Williams. These would be my two choices. In fact, I propose a two pronged coaching setup. Something like this: Mark Williams coaches from the box, and Malcolm Blight from the sidelines. Chocco relays messages to Blighty, who is free to interpret and pass on as he sees fit. Either that or, yes, Ken Hinkley.

Captain: We’ve covered Nathan Ablett, Peter Street, Beaumonts pies, spiteful interstate moves, various voids and now Blighty; if it’s not the Twilight Zone, Mrs W, it must be Big League Little League.