Monday, September 28, 2009

A Report From The Front - By The Captain

By 6am Paris time I had hit the street. I glanced around nervously, the city looking different in the pre-dawn glow, more menacing. The Metro, like me, was barely awake yet functioning, and I was happy for it’s underground warmth. The blessed Cats beanie was with me, with us. Today was going to be good day, I couldn’t bear otherwise.

I was en route to Cafe Oz, a cringe-inducing Australian themed bar unfairly positioned close to the Seine, to meet former Geelong man, new Paris resident and all-round nice guy, Eddie C. Due to me sleeping in, and getting slightly lost on exiting the Metro station, I missed the first bounce. My problems, however, were just beginning.

On finding the place I realised my lateness would cost double; between me and the door were about 15 Aussies queued up outside the place and a bouncer roughly the size of a 1978 Fiat. The place was packed and the security weren’t letting any more in. I nosed to the front of the queue, hoping Eddie C would spot me and wave me in. But the ‘78 Fiat was running a tight ship; some drinkers had been at it since the night before and he was sensing trouble waiting to burst at the first sign of some implied unfairness. I waited and manage to locate myself within view of the projected action; Geelong were leading 18 to 7 and the drunks inside were roaring.

After a time, a few began to leave. Whether they were non-AFL followers or French locals who could sense the energy was growing, I had no idea. The French are a peculiar people when it comes to sport. They play games like badminton and a native version of bocce. Despite having no idea what was happening on the screen, they had the good sense to leave.

As the Fiat relented, I edged my way forward, squeezing between the bodies of a hundred misplaced Australians. There were shouts of "Ball!" and "Bullshit umpire, you yellow maggot!" and I settled in quick. I found Ed, who had secured a good spot with a nice view of the projectors behind the bar. In front of him was a St Kilda fan, who looked like he’d spent some time in country, behind us, an obnoxious West Coast Eagles fan and next to us a rambling drunk. I was just glad he was supporting Geelong; he had that look about him, like he’d had a week’s worth of booze and was on the edge, and a simple disagreement about football allegiance could end in blood.

The game maintained an unparalleled intensity throughout it’s entirety, and I stood rock still, with a tightness on my chest, for 120 minutes. No drink, little talk, just a small reservoir of Geelong hope buried somewhere deep in my almost malfunctioning heart.

Halfway into the second quarter and The Saints were beginning to take the upper hand. The contest looked willing at every turn, pairs of bodies flying to the ball from all angles. An inch here or there proved pivotal and one team would sneak away to create another skirmish further down field.

Ed, somehow finding the equanimity to exchange pleasantries with the St Kilda fellow, remained quietly confident, and as it turned out, prophetic. As St Kilda dominated possession but kept missing goals, he repeated, almost to himself, “it’s not their day, it’s not their day…” and was happy to go into half-time only a goal down. Mrs Watson, on the other hand, was no doubt feeling the pinch, texting me some very harsh, but not undeserved, words regarding Darren Milburn.

The third quarter began with me praying for something, anything out of Steve Johnson, while the Saints fan in front us said something about him not being anywhere near the player that the “inspirational” Riewoldt was. As I focused on the game, and my breathing, ever so slightly both Ed and I sensed the momentum shift: The Cats seemed to have finally met a worthy foe and were now enjoying the fight.

Hawkins marked and goaled early in the fourth (a sight for Mrs Watson’s sore eyes no doubt) after Chapman had spotted him free in the forward 50 and hit him lace-out; “great composure by Chappy,” said Ed.

The next 5 minutes was a classic arm wrestle. Each contest began to get harder and take on more meaning. The crows sensed it too, not just at the MCG but at the Café Oz, roaring louder and louder as each time the ball emerged in either team’s hands as the game shifted into ‘instant classic’ territory.

True to his day’s form, about eight minutes into the final quarter Ed leaned over; “next goal wins”. I looked at the clock, looked at the scoreboard and then looked at the players; they knew this was true. That that next goal didn’t come for a further 15 minutes only loomed larger the dual sense of doom/glory that was attached to that Sherrin.

Tipping point: Five minutes to play and Geelong repels another St Kilda attack and kicks the ball to a seemingly wide-open Gary Ablett in the very centre of the MCG. Sensing the space, but before he has received the ball, Ablett begins to lean ever so slightly towards the Geelong goal, readying his body to change his momentum in order to storm forward and drive his Brownlow medal down the throats of the St Kilda defence. This split-second adjustment, however, allows his opponent, sprinting from behind Ablett towards the St Kilda goal, enough time to knock the ball loose, preventing the mark.

It’s all there in front us now. A tied game. A loose ball. The very centre of the MCG. And, now, two sets of opposing players. As Ablett and his opponent were positioning themselves, Matthew Scarlett and his marker for the day, Justin Koschitske, are racing to the centre, each trying to swing the contest their team’s way. Like trains on the same track, they are going full-speed, with no option to swerve and are on a collision course with Ablett and the ball.

As Clinton Jones closes from behind on Gary Junior, Scarlett has found himself in front of Kosi and makes a crucial decision as this all unfolds in the blinking of an eye: Jones’ deflects the ball into the path of the oncoming Scarlett, who carefully, casually and yet very deliberately, pokes it side foot back in the opposite direction, past the now stranded Jones and into the hands of a ready and waiting Gary Ablett.

When minutes later Chapman snapped truly we yelled loudly and quietly knew it was enough.

After the place cleared out Ed and I sat down and had our first drink - a 7 Euro pint of Fosters - the best beer I’ve had all year. We walked, somewhat dazed and found some seats in the Jardin des Tulieries and sat in the sun, drinking Kronenberg cans from a nearby caravan for quite some while.

The day for the French had only just begun, but for us the wait (weight) of a year was over.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

An Open Letter to Le Captain, or, coiffé d'un chapeau ass Collingwood.



Dear Captain,

How goes Paris? Thanks for emailing through your Blogger password. My own blogger account seems to have imploded, so I'm using yours here to post this update. I ran into a few Big League readers before the game on Saturday, who mentioned there'd been a few colourful jabs at Mrs Watson for being a less than active poster. It's strange when I think we started this monster via email to keep ourselves amused at work, and now feel some responsibility to keep it up to speed. Anyhoo...I thought I'd send you a rundown on what happened Saturday night, as I know you weren't successful in locating a suitable French dive bar to view it in. Do understand that by half time I had consumed quite a number of Melbourne Bitters, and was kept quite busy keeping you updated via text as best I could, so if I miss something substantial, I'm sure our readers will be more than happy to fill in the gaps (see comments), but here's a few thoughts the iphone couldn't convey...

Last night Geelong wore Collingwood as a fucking ass hat. Now, while this sort of head attire probably doesn't sound as classic, or tasteful, as say, the beret – of which I'm sure you've seen a many of late – let me assure you, Captain, the ass hat is something that, despite it's grubbily graphic aesthetic, can fill it wearer with tremendous self belief and confidence. Now, the ass hat is not something one just stumbles upon, or shoplifts from IGA; the ass hat is something one earns, usually through making a damn fool one's opposition. So much so, in fact, that one is literally able to separate the legs of said opposition, and insert the top of one's head far enough inside the anus to fashion a hat. Sure, I've probably taken this analogy a little far, but honestly, nothing paints a more accurate picture of what happened during the second half of Saturday night's Preliminary final.

The first quarter was a little disappointing to be honest, and seemed all too familiar. After the first few minutes we had a shit ton of ball, but couldn't really tick it over on the score board and only led by 10 at quarter time. The bright light for me though, was the fact that in these early stages Hatchet was playing like a man possessed by a really good footballer. He was setting up goals, kicking straight from tough angles, and kept the Cats in the game, along with Chappy, while our other guys got their shit together. In fact, not since I last played NBA Jam have I seen such an unlikely man pull off such superhuman feats.

Things got tight in the second and in hindsight it appears as if this was Collingwood's last gasp at making a game of it. As a result, to no surprise, this was our backline's quarter, particularly in the last ten minutes when the Pies threw whatever they had left at us. After a shaky start, Taylor tightened up, and the usuals were good, but I'd like to give a shout out to James Kelly. The return of Kelly from injury has tightened up that end amazingly. His hard work back there helped the Cats keep what little lead they had at half time. It was a brief interlude, sure, but this was when the game was on the line, and that mattered more than many of the goals scored during the last half's free for all.

Admittedly, Collingwood had spent a lot of energy the week before scraping home against the Crows, so by the last half they were looking pretty much done. Having said that though, many of their more important players, scorers, had not put their hand up at any stage of the game. Cloke, Anthony, and Davis shared 30 possessions, which isn't impressive, but even these low numbers surprised me when I saw them...I only remember seeing these three dropping ambitious marks or getting knocked out of contests. Anthony can kick, sure, but seems as soft as Cloke is clunky, and Davis jogs around like he deserves more than he works for. I'd slam a huge question mark on Cloke's future – he's had a shithouse year, in my view – and Malthouse should treat Anthony less like Tony Lockett, and more like a work in progress.

I don't really know what to tell you about what happened after half time. It was dominance, sure, but it was the dominance we needed to show St Kilda. The whole team was dominant. The Saints beat Collingwood in the first round of the finals in probably one of the most lackluster performances of the entire series, and just got over the line against the Bulldogs – they probably should have lost. The fact that the TAB now has Geelong as favourite to win next week, in my opinion, is justified. A regular season record, no matter how outstanding, does not warrant confidence in a team's ability to win a grand final; especially after such an uninspiring few weeks. Put simply, I think the Saints look shaky. I think we'll win.

Spread 'em wide St Kilda. I hear it's gonna be a hot summer, and we'll no doubt need a hat.

Over and out.

Mrs Watson.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Stay Positive (Sometimes Actresses Get Slapped)

Captain: So, Mrs Watson, the finals are upon us, the Cats have got some players back and last week I spelled out a method to stop the Bulldogs… Wait, do you even read this blog any more?

Mrs Watson: Only to shut you up.

Captain: At least all the Big League fans, spread across the globe, are still interested. And if you don’t perform in my absence, those three people will be very disappointed. You got any ideas up your sleeve?

Mrs Watson: I think my caretaker coach role will resemble that of Darren Crocker’s: mostly invisible, but nevertheless, not a complete failure.

Captain: I like it! Now, on to the games, shall we?

Adelaide v Essendon
Captain:
Regarding last week’s melee action, what a petulant and massively hypocritical reaction from Hawthorn. They are, without doubt, the biggest team of snipers in the league, possibly in league history. I can’t even think who would be close to them. Weak as piss. Essendon will get smashed but at least they showed Hawthorn up last week.

Mrs Watson: I completely agree, although for me the embarrassingly wimpish behaviour post game only made the Hawthorn loss more satisfying. Anyway, this game is going to be an absolutely undressing, and like Rabbit Hutch mentioned on Monday night, it’s likely Adelaide will end up knocking one of the top four teams out in straight sets. Naked tennis, in other words. Which is a shame, because that sounds like something Matthew Lloyd would be interested in. What a joke – the first time someone has been handed four weeks for probably trying to get out of the way. He normally gets free kicks for that kind of shit.

Captain: And don’t forget, it was originally a 6-week suspension, which is a completely hysterical, not to mention baffling, reaction given that Buddy only copped one week and Chance “cheap-shot” Bateman only got one for a roundhouse shot on Lloyd that wouldn’t be out of place at QBH on a Saturday night. Who’s running the match review panel, David and Margaret from ‘At the Movies’?

Mrs Watson: Melbourne Demons; no stars.

Brisbane v Carlton
Captain:
This game is interesting for a couple of reasons; one, if Geelong happens to lose they will play the winner of this game, and two… Alright, it’s interesting for one reason only.

Mrs. Watson: You’re right, this game is only interesting “if” we lose. So really, it’s of no real interest at all. However, I bet all Carlton fans are super dooper excited about watching their side of young champions finally play some finals football. How cute. * Vomit.* I do so hope J Brown punches someone in the throat.

Captain: Can I go one further and hope that Brett Thornton is on the end of said throat punch?

St Kilda (Greatest Draw of ‘09) v Collingwood (Very Good Draw)
Captain:
Here’s where it gets interesting. The two teams everyone wanted to back for the flag two weeks ago now face each other and then a red-hot Adelaide. Glorious! The Saints, or, as one of our more creative readers called them, the ‘indoor flood monkeys’, got their first look at the MCG last week and struggled against Melbourne. Granted, the Saints kicked away, but the Demons moved the ball quite easily and found plenty of space against them in the first half. Funnily enough, the Pies are MCG specialists.

Mrs Watson: And people think the Cats look unconvincing! Losses to Essendon, North Melbourne and then a worrying performance against the freakin’ Demons, sheesh, at least our losses came at the hands of decent teams. What would really make my year would be a Collingwood victory here, and then an Adelaide victory the week after. Wouldn’t that be the most hilarious fucking thing that has EVER happened? Yes. Like all the games this weekend though, I think this match will be tight. Collingwood looked a bit average last week, and my thinking is that a similar performance will not result in a victory against the Saints, no matter how out of form St Kilda “appears” to be. I really don’t think Collingwood are much to worry about actually. But I’ve been wrong before. Many, many times.

Captain: Hypothetically, is it possible for Alan Didak’s head to be crushed while simultaneously disintegrating Nick Riewoldt’s ACL on impact? Is that a medical possibility, no matter how unlikely? If so, that’s the outcome we should be barracking for.

Mrs Watson: Awesome. I’d love to know what the TAB is offering on such a scenario. I’m phoning them this afternoon to get some odds on whether or not we’ll ever again see a freakin’ live game of AFL on free to air TV in Melbourne, so I’ll check the odds on the Riewoldt/Didak smash up while I’m at it.

Geelong v Western Bulldogs
Captain:
What did Channel 10 pay for the AFL TV rights, $900 million? And they still can’t show this game live because the AFL wants to potentially squeeze in another 2000-3000 MCG punters? Give me a fucking break. Channel 10 should just buy the remaining tickets, make them into a papier-mâché of Doug Hawkins and stick them up Andrew Demetriou’s ass.

Mrs Watson: Is it bold of me to feel confident about the Cats’ chances this September? I mean, I’m rarely positive about anything, so it really hurts me to say this, but I really think we can win this WHOLE GODDAMN THING!! And that’s with Matthew Stokes in the team. Get positive, Captain!

Captain: Usually your optimism does not bode well, so I’m going to say I’m quietly confident. Is it too much to ask of you, however, that if we are forced to watch a delay of this match, to stay away from your iphone for 2 hours?

Mrs Watson: C’mon man, I checked the score once. Once! Let’s not make out like I’m a repeat game spoiler or anything. Besides, if Cam Mooney’s haircut tells us anything, is that we should point our mobile devices down, there’s nothing to worry about.

Captain: That’s kind of a good sign, for September, isn’t it? Man, my heart is starting to race, my palms are getting clammy, my body is twitching… and that’s just thinking about the raping I’m about to receive courtesy of the Euro! GO CATS!