An Open Letter to Le Captain, or, coiffé d'un chapeau ass Collingwood.



Dear Captain,

How goes Paris? Thanks for emailing through your Blogger password. My own blogger account seems to have imploded, so I'm using yours here to post this update. I ran into a few Big League readers before the game on Saturday, who mentioned there'd been a few colourful jabs at Mrs Watson for being a less than active poster. It's strange when I think we started this monster via email to keep ourselves amused at work, and now feel some responsibility to keep it up to speed. Anyhoo...I thought I'd send you a rundown on what happened Saturday night, as I know you weren't successful in locating a suitable French dive bar to view it in. Do understand that by half time I had consumed quite a number of Melbourne Bitters, and was kept quite busy keeping you updated via text as best I could, so if I miss something substantial, I'm sure our readers will be more than happy to fill in the gaps (see comments), but here's a few thoughts the iphone couldn't convey...

Last night Geelong wore Collingwood as a fucking ass hat. Now, while this sort of head attire probably doesn't sound as classic, or tasteful, as say, the beret – of which I'm sure you've seen a many of late – let me assure you, Captain, the ass hat is something that, despite it's grubbily graphic aesthetic, can fill it wearer with tremendous self belief and confidence. Now, the ass hat is not something one just stumbles upon, or shoplifts from IGA; the ass hat is something one earns, usually through making a damn fool one's opposition. So much so, in fact, that one is literally able to separate the legs of said opposition, and insert the top of one's head far enough inside the anus to fashion a hat. Sure, I've probably taken this analogy a little far, but honestly, nothing paints a more accurate picture of what happened during the second half of Saturday night's Preliminary final.

The first quarter was a little disappointing to be honest, and seemed all too familiar. After the first few minutes we had a shit ton of ball, but couldn't really tick it over on the score board and only led by 10 at quarter time. The bright light for me though, was the fact that in these early stages Hatchet was playing like a man possessed by a really good footballer. He was setting up goals, kicking straight from tough angles, and kept the Cats in the game, along with Chappy, while our other guys got their shit together. In fact, not since I last played NBA Jam have I seen such an unlikely man pull off such superhuman feats.

Things got tight in the second and in hindsight it appears as if this was Collingwood's last gasp at making a game of it. As a result, to no surprise, this was our backline's quarter, particularly in the last ten minutes when the Pies threw whatever they had left at us. After a shaky start, Taylor tightened up, and the usuals were good, but I'd like to give a shout out to James Kelly. The return of Kelly from injury has tightened up that end amazingly. His hard work back there helped the Cats keep what little lead they had at half time. It was a brief interlude, sure, but this was when the game was on the line, and that mattered more than many of the goals scored during the last half's free for all.

Admittedly, Collingwood had spent a lot of energy the week before scraping home against the Crows, so by the last half they were looking pretty much done. Having said that though, many of their more important players, scorers, had not put their hand up at any stage of the game. Cloke, Anthony, and Davis shared 30 possessions, which isn't impressive, but even these low numbers surprised me when I saw them...I only remember seeing these three dropping ambitious marks or getting knocked out of contests. Anthony can kick, sure, but seems as soft as Cloke is clunky, and Davis jogs around like he deserves more than he works for. I'd slam a huge question mark on Cloke's future – he's had a shithouse year, in my view – and Malthouse should treat Anthony less like Tony Lockett, and more like a work in progress.

I don't really know what to tell you about what happened after half time. It was dominance, sure, but it was the dominance we needed to show St Kilda. The whole team was dominant. The Saints beat Collingwood in the first round of the finals in probably one of the most lackluster performances of the entire series, and just got over the line against the Bulldogs – they probably should have lost. The fact that the TAB now has Geelong as favourite to win next week, in my opinion, is justified. A regular season record, no matter how outstanding, does not warrant confidence in a team's ability to win a grand final; especially after such an uninspiring few weeks. Put simply, I think the Saints look shaky. I think we'll win.

Spread 'em wide St Kilda. I hear it's gonna be a hot summer, and we'll no doubt need a hat.

Over and out.

Mrs Watson.