Stay Positive (Sometimes Actresses Get Slapped)

Captain: So, Mrs Watson, the finals are upon us, the Cats have got some players back and last week I spelled out a method to stop the Bulldogs… Wait, do you even read this blog any more?

Mrs Watson: Only to shut you up.

Captain: At least all the Big League fans, spread across the globe, are still interested. And if you don’t perform in my absence, those three people will be very disappointed. You got any ideas up your sleeve?

Mrs Watson: I think my caretaker coach role will resemble that of Darren Crocker’s: mostly invisible, but nevertheless, not a complete failure.

Captain: I like it! Now, on to the games, shall we?

Adelaide v Essendon
Captain: Regarding last week’s melee action, what a petulant and massively hypocritical reaction from Hawthorn. They are, without doubt, the biggest team of snipers in the league, possibly in league history. I can’t even think who would be close to them. Weak as piss. Essendon will get smashed but at least they showed Hawthorn up last week.

Mrs Watson: I completely agree, although for me the embarrassingly wimpish behaviour post game only made the Hawthorn loss more satisfying. Anyway, this game is going to be an absolutely undressing, and like Rabbit Hutch mentioned on Monday night, it’s likely Adelaide will end up knocking one of the top four teams out in straight sets. Naked tennis, in other words. Which is a shame, because that sounds like something Matthew Lloyd would be interested in. What a joke – the first time someone has been handed four weeks for probably trying to get out of the way. He normally gets free kicks for that kind of shit.

Captain: And don’t forget, it was originally a 6-week suspension, which is a completely hysterical, not to mention baffling, reaction given that Buddy only copped one week and Chance “cheap-shot” Bateman only got one for a roundhouse shot on Lloyd that wouldn’t be out of place at QBH on a Saturday night. Who’s running the match review panel, David and Margaret from ‘At the Movies’?

Mrs Watson: Melbourne Demons; no stars.

Brisbane v Carlton
Captain: This game is interesting for a couple of reasons; one, if Geelong happens to lose they will play the winner of this game, and two… Alright, it’s interesting for one reason only.

Mrs. Watson: You’re right, this game is only interesting “if” we lose. So really, it’s of no real interest at all. However, I bet all Carlton fans are super dooper excited about watching their side of young champions finally play some finals football. How cute. * Vomit.* I do so hope J Brown punches someone in the throat.

Captain: Can I go one further and hope that Brett Thornton is on the end of said throat punch?

St Kilda (Greatest Draw of ‘09) v Collingwood (Very Good Draw)
Captain: Here’s where it gets interesting. The two teams everyone wanted to back for the flag two weeks ago now face each other and then a red-hot Adelaide. Glorious! The Saints, or, as one of our more creative readers called them, the ‘indoor flood monkeys’, got their first look at the MCG last week and struggled against Melbourne. Granted, the Saints kicked away, but the Demons moved the ball quite easily and found plenty of space against them in the first half. Funnily enough, the Pies are MCG specialists.

Mrs Watson: And people think the Cats look unconvincing! Losses to Essendon, North Melbourne and then a worrying performance against the freakin’ Demons, sheesh, at least our losses came at the hands of decent teams. What would really make my year would be a Collingwood victory here, and then an Adelaide victory the week after. Wouldn’t that be the most hilarious fucking thing that has EVER happened? Yes. Like all the games this weekend though, I think this match will be tight. Collingwood looked a bit average last week, and my thinking is that a similar performance will not result in a victory against the Saints, no matter how out of form St Kilda “appears” to be. I really don’t think Collingwood are much to worry about actually. But I’ve been wrong before. Many, many times.

Captain: Hypothetically, is it possible for Alan Didak’s head to be crushed while simultaneously disintegrating Nick Riewoldt’s ACL on impact? Is that a medical possibility, no matter how unlikely? If so, that’s the outcome we should be barracking for.

Mrs Watson: Awesome. I’d love to know what the TAB is offering on such a scenario. I’m phoning them this afternoon to get some odds on whether or not we’ll ever again see a freakin’ live game of AFL on free to air TV in Melbourne, so I’ll check the odds on the Riewoldt/Didak smash up while I’m at it.

Geelong v Western Bulldogs
Captain: What did Channel 10 pay for the AFL TV rights, $900 million? And they still can’t show this game live because the AFL wants to potentially squeeze in another 2000-3000 MCG punters? Give me a fucking break. Channel 10 should just buy the remaining tickets, make them into a papier-mâché of Doug Hawkins and stick them up Andrew Demetriou’s ass.

Mrs Watson: Is it bold of me to feel confident about the Cats’ chances this September? I mean, I’m rarely positive about anything, so it really hurts me to say this, but I really think we can win this WHOLE GODDAMN THING!! And that’s with Matthew Stokes in the team. Get positive, Captain!

Captain: Usually your optimism does not bode well, so I’m going to say I’m quietly confident. Is it too much to ask of you, however, that if we are forced to watch a delay of this match, to stay away from your iphone for 2 hours?

Mrs Watson: C’mon man, I checked the score once. Once! Let’s not make out like I’m a repeat game spoiler or anything. Besides, if Cam Mooney’s haircut tells us anything, is that we should point our mobile devices down, there’s nothing to worry about.

Captain: That’s kind of a good sign, for September, isn’t it? Man, my heart is starting to race, my palms are getting clammy, my body is twitching… and that’s just thinking about the raping I’m about to receive courtesy of the Euro! GO CATS!