Timing, Momentum & Pop Music, or, Where's Mrs. Watson?

It’s funny, sometimes, the timing of things. Like my moving house, and subsequent period of time without broadband, that coincided perfectly with the time the Cats were inactive due to the split round.

Momentum too, is a funny thing. Once you’ve got it, you don’t want to lose it; you want to keep building on it, keep it rolling.

I recently passed 100 posts on Big League Little League (if you click on “The Captain” underneath contributors it should give you an exact amount) and my last blog, about St.Kilda of all things, generated the most comments we’ve ever had for a single post. It was encouraging to read the responses and just how far around the world we were reaching. Big League seemed to be moving in the right direction. (Although I have no frickin idea how its possible that there are two Chris Jacksons, on opposite sides of the globe, who not only found, but continue to read, the same low-brow blog, about a small town football team, written by a couple of bum supporters with minor alcohol issues and an endless repertoire of Richo jokes).

The Cats too, are moving in the right direction. Sitting on top of the ladder, Geelong is both four premiership points and a healthy slice of percentage clear, having reeled off six impressive wins in a row before having to sit out last weekend.

Both of us have had to endure forced breaks just as we were building momentum. As I said in the beginning, timing can be funny sometimes.

This week the Cats have to rebuild that momentum against a Sydney team with their backs fairly and squarely against the wall; a familiar position for them (no Mardi Gras jokes please) in which they have proved they are at their most dangerous. It will tell us just what, if any, the affect of the split round had on both teams.

Meanwhile, as we speak, Telstra is scouring the country for their most incompetent team to hook up my broadband (speaking of Internet service providers, have you seen those Dodo ads? Is Tara Reid getting paid directly in cocaine these days? I mean, she looks about two more Red Bull & vodkas away from pulling a Boogie Nights and taking on four guys in the driveway as William H. Macy looks on in disgust) and Mrs. Watson is back to his usual pessimistic ways.

Yes, eventhough he no longer involves himself in the blog, we still talk footy, and he is insistent that Geelong will lose this match, even going as far as to urge me to take my last pennies to the TAB and get on the Swans under 35.5 points. But you know what? I’m not gonna listen to him and I encourage you to do the same.

If we take the parallels between the GFC and Big League – the momentum, the break and the need to recapture form – we can focus our collective energies into this blog as a way of positively influence the Cats. Mrs. Watson be damned! So far he’s contributed only once this season, and that was a shared, conversation blog. If he was an AFL team he’d have a draw only. He’s the Richmond of Big League Little league! That’s right, I said it, Mrs. Watson is Richmond, and are we gonna take advice from Richmond?!? I mean, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even read the blog anymore, probably too busy deconstructing New Pornographers albums in the search for the perfect pop song.

This is a call to arms! Let’s stick it right up Watson and the Swans, as E.J. would say. Leave a comment and let him know how disappointed you are. Then get some new punters on board. Email your friends and collegaues and drop them this URL. Spread the Big League word! Pass this bastard around like a crack-pipe at a West Coast pie night. Share this thing like Rohypnol on a St.Kilda end of season trip. Deliver this thing to a mate like a lightning Corey Enright handpass out of a pack.

Let’s get everyone involved in a singular, integrated movement to will the Cats over the line and bring back Big League’s other so-called contributor, our own Slow Wonder, Mrs. Watson and his ridiculous titles. But could someone could let him know for me? I can’t seem to get hold of him. A.C. Newman must have a new album out.

Feeding the Lyon to the Saints, or, How to make a Walnut Salad

How’s the form of former St.Kilda coach Grant Thomas? After being fired by his best mate he refuses to repay a million dollar loan, invites players out on the piss during the week, trys to get a job with the club’s main sponsor and now he’s taking shots at Matthew Pavlich. How anybody, let alone ‘Walnut’ Thomas, can assume what The Pav, or anyone else, would say under hypnosis is ridiculous. Why does Walnut even have those kind of thoughts? “I just reckon, that if Richo was on the Titanic he’d save the women and children first… But he might have trouble launching the life boats…Especially if he’d been drinking… Although, if it was with dinner, probably not… Unless he had the fish… and a good Riesling, say the 2000 Reserve Particuliere Kientzler…” Why be so cryptic about it? Couldn’t he just say that he thinks The Pav lacks leadership?

I mean, that’s just what we need, another untrained monkey with a column in the age and an axe to grind. Talk about a conflict on interest, I don’t know how all these coaches get 800 words a week to push there own agendas while I’m left here writing this GOLD to the handful of people I know left in Geelong and two blokes in Perth. It’s not fair. Malthouse writes for the Australian, Sheedy works for the Herald-Sun, Rocket Eade is on Fox Footy, Chris Connolley’s got his own segment on the Western Australian news and I’m pretty sure Paul Roos and Dean Laidley are in discussions to star in a remake of ‘Top Gun’.

And while I’m at it, how is it we have player agents like Liam Pickering commentating games? No conflict of interest there? You’re telling me we can’t find anyone else in Australia that can tie a Windsor knot and make the kind of game breaking insights that Pickers does? ‘Hey, that Chris Judd’s pretty good around the stoppages.’ Good pick up there, Liam! And for a while there Eddie MacGuire was president of Collingwood and the frickin TV station that broadcast their games! Talk about a conflict on interest, Rene Rivkin must have been rolling in his grave… Or was still alive then, giving shady stock market advice and balancing Steve Vizards chequebook?

But at least ‘Walnut’ Thomas has taken the focus of his under performing former team. Did you know they are only above Richmond and Melbourne on the ladder? Did you know they’ve scored the fewest points in the league? That’s right, the forward line of Gehrig, Riewoldt, Koschitzke and Milne, is not only harder to spell than the entire United Nations cabinet, but has kicked less goals than the winless Tigers.

I wonder if Saints fans miss the Grant Thomas era yet; the crazy crash diets, the trips to the movies, those creepy shots of him and his 15 kids… Seriously, who would have thought that when the Saints essentially had to choose between Walnut Thomas and that prick Rod Butters, that they made the wrong choice. Granted, it’s like choosing between an hour long prostate exam and an extended colonoscopy, but Thomas is coming up smelling like roses in all of this: Look at what’s happened since they fired Walnut.

1) The same team that played finals last year are now 14th on the ladder;
2) they recruited Michael Gardiner and Matthew Clarke as their ruck solution, which is like booking Hall & Oates as the headliners for the Warped tour;
3) Their injury list is comparable, if not better than last year, although recent tests have revealed that Aaron Hamill is actually made of straw;
4) the board has lost the members and fans, to the point that they’re considering Steve Bedwell as a replacement, a man most famous for writing for ‘Tonight Live with Steve Vizard’;
5) and their best players have been the 40 year old Robert Harvey and ‘alleged’ date rapist Leigh Montagna.

This is the team that everyone tipped for a succession of flags? This is the ‘best young list’ in the competition? This is Victoria’s only hope? Gimme a break.

Ross Lyon, eat shit. This is what you get for bringing that bullshit, ruining the AFL, rugby/soccer style of play to Melbourne. Although he is doing something else that’s pretty difficult – making Grant Thomas look like a frickin’ genius.

The State of the Nation

With the AFL’s 150th anniversary looming, and everyone from Luke Darcy to Channel 10 calling for a return to State-of-Origin football, I find it absurd that no-one remembers that the reason the AFL put an end to State-of-Origin was because no-one wanted it. No-one.

The coaches and the clubs certainly didn’t want their most valuable assets risking injury mid-season. The players, either swayed by clubs or managers or because of a simple lack of interest, weren’t responding. And the most important ingredient, the fans, were staying away.

In 1989, at the height of State-of-Origin, the Victoria v South Australia match drew 91, 000 fans to the MCG. The last State game, only 10 years later, featuring the same teams at the same venue, drew only 26, 000 people. Even this years Demons-Dockers stink fest attracted more punters than that.

In 1989 the Victorian forward line featured Gary Ablett Snr, Dermott Brereton, Tony Lockett and Jason Dunstall. That last state game featured Ang Christou donning the Big V. Ang freakin’ Christou!?

In 1989 the West Coast Eagles were only 2 years old and Ice was something the players put on a corked thigh, not in a crack pipe. It was a different time.

In the 80’s the AFL was still the VFL so State-of-Origin was a novelty. By 1996, however, Victorian AFL fans were so used to loathing interstate sides all year round that no-one gave a shit about mid-season State-of-Origin; there were higher stakes at risk in the league.

So, what do we do? We lost interest in State-of-Origin so quickly and thoroughly last time that to bring it back in its old form will resign it to the same fate. So if want to bring it back, the AFL needs to go another way. Here are my suggestions for State-of-Origin.

An All-Star Exhibition feel
The AFL will never build the same level of passion for State games as the NRL; Rugby has only two competing states and a traditional, continuous history. So instead of billing it as ‘State-vs-State’, market it as more of a collection of the games best players matching up against each other and the State lines as just a way of dividing up the teams. Highlight the individuals, not the teams they will be representing. They could even produce commercials highlighting this aspect of it; spliced together footage so Scarlett charges out of defence, gives to a running a Judd, he hits Pavlich on the lead, Pav handpasses over the top and Jon Brown slams it into the upper tier. (I know, I’m a genius.)

They should play two games, back-to-back, at the same venue, for the same price, featuring Victoria, Western Australia, South Australia and the Allies. And no final between the winners; just two exhibition matches.

Play the game after the season
Pausing the season halfway through a premiership campaign is what leads to player unavailability, as well excluding players who find form later in the season. The other suggestion, to have it in place of the pre-season competition, is just plain ridiculous.

Not to even mention the stupidity of picking an all-star team on the previous season’s form, the pre-season is where teams and players hone their skills, build their fitness, experiment with tactics, intergrate new players, trial positional changes and everything else. Not to mention the AFL itself working out new rules and innovations. To take this away from clubs would suicide for the league. And what about players who don’t get selected for their state? How do they warm up for the season proper?

And do you remember the quality of pre-season games? The skill errors, the ugly play, Byron Pickett the size of Kirsty Alley… Do we really want our showcase game, the best of the best, to be played when they’re just getting their touch back? Do we really want to assemble the leagues best players only to have them turn out a match that best resembles a Richmond training session? No, we don’t. That’s why we should play the game the week after the Grand Final.

Those few hours after the Grand Final are always so empty, it’s like Christmas night; this thing that has been built up and looked forward to has just come and gone and all you’ve got to show for it is a Steven Segal DVD and hardening arteries. It would be great to have another game to look forward to, a ‘warm down’ from the finals, if you will. The Irish thing has pretty much run its course, why not have the State series post-season instead?

Give the players some incentive to play
Didn’t the AFL just sign like a $900 million deal for TV rights? If you want a good State-of-Origin product, let’s sink some money into the bastard! Make the players want to be a part of it. So for starters, a good cash payment for representing your state and maybe even some sort of promotional/sponsorship tie-in; each player gets a set of Cobra Golf clubs, or a Cartier watch or a Toyota Kluger. And how about taking the players away to somewhere a bit exotic as a reward? A 4 day training camp in Fiji? A team bonding session in New Caledonia? At the very least a weekend on the Gold Coast. And take all the teams to the same place, Hell, they could even train together; there are no secrets with this sort of thing. Make it a social occasion for the players too, where they can mingle with the other elite players. Each year the NFL selects the best players to play in the Pro-Bowl, which is played the week after the Super-Bowl, in Hawaii every year. And every year, the best players go and play. It’s an honour, its fun for the players and it’s essentially the idea that I’m ripping off.

Some protection for the clubs
There’s always going to be the risk of injury in any game, from a pulled hammy to a collapsed kidney. It can’t be removed completely. However, giving State teams expanded benches, say, 10 or 12 players, would minimize the time each player is on the field, not to mention mean more players could be involved in the State series. And perhaps the games could be shortened somewhat, no time-on for example.

Make it a TV Event
As I said earlier, play both games back-to-back with perhaps some light entertainment between games, similar to All-Star weekend in the NBA. You could invite players who didn’t make the state teams, as well as any players best suited who are in the squads. And again, cash prizes people, cash money!

So you’d have the longest kick comp, which is always a favourite, perhaps the 100m sprint event and a couple of new ideas. I propose some sort of goal-kicking game of H-O-R-S-E, where players have shots from selected areas of increasing difficulty. Then you could also have a skills comp, where the player starts at the kick-out and has to hit a target on the defensive 50m line. He then has to run to several spots through the mid-filed where he must pick up a ball and hit a handball target. Finally he runs, bounces and must goal from 40m out. Well, something like that anyway.

I think people want State-of-Origin, not because of state pride, but because of the potential assembly of talent. The AFL needs to keep this in mind, I mean, they don’t think we watch the International series because we like Gaelic football, do they?