Keeping Your Nose Clean (How Not to)
This summer I’ve attempted more blogs than Andrew Lovett has sex crimes (allegedly), and every time I have either gotten stuck, or realised that, “Hey, that’s just not that interesting or funny or insightful or even legible.” (I was going through some old notebooks recently and found three full pages of drunken ramblings that look like someone was trying to get the ink flowing again in a pen.) Not even Shane “Shame” Watson morphing into Jacque Kallis was enough to rouse me from my slumber. But on a scale of 1-to-10, of “things I should probably write a blog about”, Matthew Stokes trafficking cocaine comes in at about a 48. (By the way, apologies for the title that sounds like a Radiohead song.)
Here’s a rundown of my rambling thought process immediately after Mrs Watson emailed me the news on Wednesday:
The police don’t usually charge someone unless they know they can get a conviction… I wonder if any other players are involved… How much coke was he actually doing? Are we talking a NYE bump or two, or Lindsay Lohan circa 2008...? Frank Costa will sack Stokes… Sack is a funny word… I wonder how the club will handle this… Will Demetriou get involved…? Will Stokes play the addiction card? Will someone else play the race card…? The girl who played Velma in the Scooby-Doo movie had a nice rack… How much salary cap space will it save us if he’s in prison…? The Geelong Advertiser is going to cover this like it’s the Cuban missile crisis… The Mentalist is getting more ridiculous every week… How should Geelong supporters feel about this? How do I feel about this? Shit, what do I write about this?!
(By the way, where does “having a Cuban drug-dealer moustache on the day you’re arrested on drug charges” rank in terms of inappropriate coincidences; below or above wearing a Gary Glitter t-shirt to a grade 6 calisthenics show? Seriously, he looks like he’s auditioning for ‘Underbelly 4: Lamby’s Revenge’.)
As usual, I needed the steady hand of Mrs Watson to guide me through the sea of questions, self-doubt and C-grade movies. Here’s his take:
“The fact that this useless prick keeps getting referred to as a "Premiership Forward" is the most annoying thing about this story. Sack him, let's move on.”
And that’s probably all there needs to be to it. (Ah Mrs Watson, if only the rest of the world possessed your cold pragmatism.)
However, in this current environment, we all know the modern media are ready to jump on this and fuck it to death like an untrained Labrador. Hell, they’re already halfway up your leg. And when this happens, a relatively small criminal matter becomes a national litmus test for anybody with any kind of public voice.
So before Barnaby Joyce or Tony Abbot or anyone at all with any kind of tenuous link to the Catholic Church starts telling us all about all our problems, allow me to get in first. (Speaking of which, do we know what Dawn Fraser thinks of all this? Really, she hasn’t said anything? Are we sure she’s still alive?)
Taking the initial police reports (and Stokes’ story) at face value, trafficking seems like an overblown charge for such a small amount of cocaine (especially on-sold at cost price. But, whatever). Nonetheless, Stokes, it would appear, is guilty of something. Is he more naive 25-year old than connected drug groupie? Probably. Being somewhat in the media spotlight, should he have known better? Yes. Is the charge a little trumped up because he has a profile? Of course it is.
This is not a sign of a “drug problem” in AFL clubs. It’s not an AFL player thinking he’s above the law. It’s not about rehabilitation, education and/or the eternally vague, “support”. It’s about a guy, who once played forward pocket quite well, who bought some drugs. So let’s treat it and punish for what it is, not what talking heads with obvious agendas may twist and fit it to be.
Lots of people buy drugs and use drugs and get caught by police with drugs and lose their jobs because of drugs. Now Stokes is probably going to lose his.
Let’s not lose our heads (or any sleep) over it.
And besides, look at bright side; how’s the form of Shane Watson!
This summer I’ve attempted more blogs than Andrew Lovett has sex crimes (allegedly), and every time I have either gotten stuck, or realised that, “Hey, that’s just not that interesting or funny or insightful or even legible.” (I was going through some old notebooks recently and found three full pages of drunken ramblings that look like someone was trying to get the ink flowing again in a pen.) Not even Shane “Shame” Watson morphing into Jacque Kallis was enough to rouse me from my slumber. But on a scale of 1-to-10, of “things I should probably write a blog about”, Matthew Stokes trafficking cocaine comes in at about a 48. (By the way, apologies for the title that sounds like a Radiohead song.)Here’s a rundown of my rambling thought process immediately after Mrs Watson emailed me the news on Wednesday:
The police don’t usually charge someone unless they know they can get a conviction… I wonder if any other players are involved… How much coke was he actually doing? Are we talking a NYE bump or two, or Lindsay Lohan circa 2008...? Frank Costa will sack Stokes… Sack is a funny word… I wonder how the club will handle this… Will Demetriou get involved…? Will Stokes play the addiction card? Will someone else play the race card…? The girl who played Velma in the Scooby-Doo movie had a nice rack… How much salary cap space will it save us if he’s in prison…? The Geelong Advertiser is going to cover this like it’s the Cuban missile crisis… The Mentalist is getting more ridiculous every week… How should Geelong supporters feel about this? How do I feel about this? Shit, what do I write about this?!
(By the way, where does “having a Cuban drug-dealer moustache on the day you’re arrested on drug charges” rank in terms of inappropriate coincidences; below or above wearing a Gary Glitter t-shirt to a grade 6 calisthenics show? Seriously, he looks like he’s auditioning for ‘Underbelly 4: Lamby’s Revenge’.)
As usual, I needed the steady hand of Mrs Watson to guide me through the sea of questions, self-doubt and C-grade movies. Here’s his take:
“The fact that this useless prick keeps getting referred to as a "Premiership Forward" is the most annoying thing about this story. Sack him, let's move on.”
And that’s probably all there needs to be to it. (Ah Mrs Watson, if only the rest of the world possessed your cold pragmatism.)
However, in this current environment, we all know the modern media are ready to jump on this and fuck it to death like an untrained Labrador. Hell, they’re already halfway up your leg. And when this happens, a relatively small criminal matter becomes a national litmus test for anybody with any kind of public voice.
So before Barnaby Joyce or Tony Abbot or anyone at all with any kind of tenuous link to the Catholic Church starts telling us all about all our problems, allow me to get in first. (Speaking of which, do we know what Dawn Fraser thinks of all this? Really, she hasn’t said anything? Are we sure she’s still alive?)
Taking the initial police reports (and Stokes’ story) at face value, trafficking seems like an overblown charge for such a small amount of cocaine (especially on-sold at cost price. But, whatever). Nonetheless, Stokes, it would appear, is guilty of something. Is he more naive 25-year old than connected drug groupie? Probably. Being somewhat in the media spotlight, should he have known better? Yes. Is the charge a little trumped up because he has a profile? Of course it is.
This is not a sign of a “drug problem” in AFL clubs. It’s not an AFL player thinking he’s above the law. It’s not about rehabilitation, education and/or the eternally vague, “support”. It’s about a guy, who once played forward pocket quite well, who bought some drugs. So let’s treat it and punish for what it is, not what talking heads with obvious agendas may twist and fit it to be.
Lots of people buy drugs and use drugs and get caught by police with drugs and lose their jobs because of drugs. Now Stokes is probably going to lose his.
Let’s not lose our heads (or any sleep) over it.
And besides, look at bright side; how’s the form of Shane Watson!
posted by the captain at 6:01 pm
12 Comments:
He's a tad unlucky (and f'in stupid) that he happened to pick a drug dealer under investigation from the cops, however, he's still a f'in idiot, and he deserves little sympathy.
My guess is they'll drop the trafficking charge if he flips on the dealer, who seems to be the target of their investigation.
On the bright side, this solves our forward line problems. No more Byrnes v Stokes v Varcoe.
Welcome back Captain (and Mrs W, succinct and spot-on as always). Looking forward to another entertaining season.
One of your best blogs yet, you summed all of it perfectly (and as always made me fucking laugh all through it)
-Tee from Vancouver
Apparently Stokes was the fruit of a four month wire; they busted a guy buying a gram for his mates.
McNulty would never have settled for a rip-and-run at the expense of busting Barksdale. I bet Randall's dumped his burners on Burdoo Drive.
I think it is clear to all of us that the messages were sent from Stokes' phone by Shan-Shan. Varcoe tried to do it, but after stealing the phone beautifully, then doing an exciting dash through the middle, he shanked the final part. Again.
Oh - and credit for the Dawn Fraser reference - gold!
The most ridiculous thing is that if Stokes had lied (I bought the drugs for myself, I'm an addict etc) then he would get a slap on the wrist and counselling. But by telling the truth (I bought them for my shitbag mates who won't buy their own drugs) he is looking at a trafficking conviction and life ban - sheesh. I imagine the first two bits of advice he got from Cook/his lawyer would have been a) shut your damn mouth and b) get rid of that goddam moustache.
Welcome to 2k10 Captain/Watson, hope the pre-season finds you in good trim.
What's everyone think about Crawf's Bulldogs flag, Cooney Brownlow prediction? Shane must have had his nose to the coffee table the night he dreamed that little pearl up. Oh, and the little twit has the Cat's pencilled in at 5th!
Stokesy you twat.
...fustercluck...
coke free since 5.20pm
Spooky coincidences?
The previous blog has attracted 27 comments.
The previous blog is entitled "Room with a view" which is what Stokesy will be hoping for if he's shipped off to Barwon Regional as the latest Bellarine drug lord.
- Basso Divor
Seriously, 1 gram - are they fucking kidding themselves or what? The average Londoner right now is carrying at least 2gms.
The AFL, the media and the police need to chill the fuck out!
Fuck worrying about 'real' crime, let's focus on making some martyrs out of some guys that play sport.
At $500 a go, pretty much only AFL players can afford it, roughly 7 times the cost it is here in London, and that's if you do the conversion... puhlease!
Shane Watson, decent opener these days, I reckon he'd be a rock-star at number 6 though. Pity they don't fuck off Peter North, and bring in DHuss or Klinger.
How's Phil Hughes' return to the team, it must rank up there with Bjorn Borg on the 'fucking-horrendous-return-to-the-fray' scale?!
Two words *giggling*.... Chris Gayle!!!
Well I don't know about you Mr spam and Viagra man, but I'm on the Podsiadly love train.
The idea of a Pods/Hatchet forward 50 with Moons at Centre Half Forward delivering the ball inside has lots of appeal. Mooney played his best footy in 2007 when he was a potent CHF, it was no consequence that the Cats scored at will that year.
Pods needs to play every NAB cup game as a lead up to the real stuff in March, he may be 28, but that's his VFL age, theoretically his AFL age could be closer to 25. He may have to compete with tougher defenders in order to mark the pill, but I'll wager he has never had midfield delivery so precise or plentiful.
I am looking forward to another season of high risk, high reward football from the beloved Cats machine, no team to date has been able to get near them on their day, playing their way.
Captain isn't it great now that the Tigers 2010 look every bit as talented and hungry as the 2005-2009 model. Hardwick already has quicksand on his Reeboks.
Happy days indeed.
...fustercluck...
Oh and the Saints were so happy with the last rapists they recruited, they went out and got another.
Let's hope this one can kick a wet footy!
Andrew Lovett, welcome to the fold.
...f...
Love your work Fuster.
I hope they do play three (non-drug dealing) forwards, and I am on the Pods bandwagon with the best of them. Sure he is old, a bit slow, looked over for an AFL slot for years and is no good once the ball is on the deck - but goddam if it wouldn't make an awesome story if he gets on the end of a continual stream of pinpoint midfield disposal and kicks a shitton of goals.
Memo to pods - be really really nice to Selwood Mackie over the next few weeks. Seriously.
heh, it looks like a few of us are pretending Sunday didn't occur. Although it was only an NAB match, it still chafed my stones sitting at Etihad and trailing North freakin Melbourne by 49 freakin points. I am glad they pulled the thumb out eventually but seriously fellas...
Shan-shan was shit-shit again. Varcoe looked good. Hatchet looked good for 20 minutes. Pods ran around a lot, kicked one, shanked a couple, and didn't get reported for punching someone in the head - sweet!
Still, given Motlop only got one week for a WWE style tackle, I think the tribunal doesn't like sitting in February and therefore just fast forwards through most of the replay tapes.
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